Kotas Reviews Fiery Snickers

Hoo boy, it's been a hell of a month or two hasn't it? Once again I find myself talking about how it's been a long time since I wrote one of these. Well, let's just cut to the chase here: Work has been a Bear, and that bear decided my face was a delicious pile of salmon it had to try and chew off. Still, now that bears have been fended off, I can get back to what's important: Red Dead Redemption 2. Or rather, I would if I owned a video game console and also had some time! Which I don't. Let's eat some candy instead. Folks, we're looking at the Fiery Snickers today.

www.reddit.com/r/gatekeeping called. They want their childish shame tactics back.

So, what the hell is a Fiery Snickers you might ask? Well, it's a Snickers...that is fiery! Much like our previous delve into "hot" candy, I question the existence of this product. Who in the hell ate a fuckin' Snickers bar and thought "You know what this needs? BURNING!" Eh, maybe it will meld better this go around? Whatever. The packaging is just insulting, but I think that if the word "Wimpy?" was replaced with "Snickers" it would at least be something that lets you know what to expect. Let 'er rip!

The prank potential is strong in this one.

Yeah, it's a Snickers bar. Nothing special about that, really. This isn't quite the laziest food change ever, but it's damn close. But we all know why you are here, so let's not beat around the bush anymore. How does it taste? Exactly as you'd expect. It's a Snickers, with some burning. The heat isn't overwhelming or gag worthy, but it is quite noticeable and adds nothing to the overall taste experience of a Snickers bar. It's just there, mocking you and hurting you with its own pointlessness, having ruined yet another candy for no good reason.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 2 Frowny Faces. It's pointless, it's not tasty, it isn't even all that clever. Fuck off Mars with your lazy bandwagon riding bullcrap. 

Kotas Reviews Sweet Heat Starburst

Sometimes a food trend comes along and is just something I don't understand. Sriracha sauce is fine and all, but did it need to be in almost everything? Probably not. Then there are food trends that I both don't understand and are stupid from the get go. Ugh, let's get this over with. Ladies and gentlemen, today we look at Sweet Heat Starburst.

Behold the agent of your downfall.

 Who the fuck asked for this shit, eh? As I've stated before, just adding 'hot' to something does not make it more interesting or fun. It just makes it hot. Well, not everything needs to be hot, damn it! I have to wonder who on the executive board of Wrigley said "Oh man, I love Starburst, but imagine if I could burn the shit out of my mouth while enjoying their juicy fruit flavor! That would be great!" Well, not only did that person NOT get dragged screaming out of a board meeting in a straight jacket, they apparently got put into the position of New Product Design! LOOK AT THIS! It's BLACK PACKAGING for shit's sake! Let's rip it open.

Not pictured: My everlasting hatred.

I have to admit, at least the wrappers for the individual taffy bits have little flames on them, to warn you away from trying them. They all have clever names like "Flaming Orange" or "Fiery Watermelon", none of which really make any damn sense in the context of "juice fruit flavors". How do they taste? Well, they taste like Starburst, and then they taste like burning. At least the flavor has the decency to put the heat after the fruit (however THAT happened). The fruit flavors are fine, but the hot adds NOTHING to them and in fact detracts most harshly from their taste. I ate one of each flavor, just to see, and I will not be touching these again. Fuck off, candy spawn of Mephisto!

On the FACE Rating System, these get 2 Frowny Faces. I guess if you like fruit that is immediately followed by agony, maybe you'd like this. Me? I hate it. It's an insult to candy lovers everywhere, and I swear it was made as a joke just to piss people off. Why would anyone have thought this was a good idea? I may never know. Stay away!

Kotas Reviews Hammond's Pigs N' Taters Chocolate Bar

Well, it's the end of Chip Week, but we're all out of Lay's flavors. So I suppose I'll just have to come up with something on theme. Well loyal readers, I found something that will intrigue you, amaze you, and quite possibly disgust you. Do you dare look into the Potatoy Abyss? Or will you flee into the night screaming, like so many before you? Okay, maybe I'm laying it on a bit thick. Let's take a peek at the Hammond's Pigs N' Taters Chocolate Bar.

F'gnly M'agwah Cthulthu F'atgn!

You read it here first folks, this is an actual candy bar with not only bacon, but potato chips as a primary ingredient. Of course, you are probably wondering "Who the hell is Hammond" and "Why is he selling this bizarre chocolate bar?" Well, Hammond's Candy is an old candy company, but these days mostly sells to the department store crowd. These candies find their way into variety stores, greeting card places, and other purveyors of miscellany. Mostly, they are one of the many makers of "off brand, yet trying to be fancy" chocolates that you see at the check out counters of random stores. Lest ye think this kind of stuff is the norm, they have a wide variety of chocolate bars that are not completely insane (though I will admit that their peanut butter and jelly sandwich bar is in the weird category). 

I am not particularly fond of the packaging here. I have always appreciated companies that use the "foil paper with cover paper" chocolate bar wrapping, because it is the standard I grew up with until they moved to that weirdly clingly "solely super thin plastic" stuff, but this design is very generic and boring. Sure, the pink color stands out a bit, but there's not even a cartoon pig or anything that makes the label jump out at you. I would have totally bypassed this in the store except for my spouse pointing out that it exists. But enough about that, let's get to the real crazy.

Into that black abyss from whence we all come from once I stare and tremble as my gaze slides onto that hideous PIGNESS that is this candy.

Maybe I should be less afraid of this candy than I originally thought. This is wholly underwhelming in almost all ways, though I am impressed at the bit of actual bacon that sticks out from the top right bit of the chocolate bar there. The scent is weirdly chemical for a chocolate bar, which was off putting, but I must give them credit for using actual bacon and potato chips in their chocolate. Sadly, the chocolate is where this whole thing falls down. The bacon bits are okay, adding a LOT of salt and a bit of smokiness to the taste. The chips mostly just add some crunch. The chocolate here is of, presumably, very low quality though, and that plasticy, chemical flavor of shitty chocolate just ruins the whole experience. It's not quite the grittastic nightmare of some of the really cheap "chocolate flavored" candy out there, but it's not a high bar to leap over, and this just barely does so. Yucktacular.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 2 frownie faces. Weirdly, the bacon and chip portions were way better than the chocolate portion they were supposed to be enhancing. Just shows that you can't really put lipstick on a pig and call it a sow's purse...or something. Bypass this entirely, and instead think about what it COULD have been.

Kotas Reviews the Green Tea Kit Kat Bar

Now that our patriotic duties are over, it's time to get back down to business. The business of reviewing things from both far and near. Today's subject is from "far", and was made possible by the extremely generous donation of my awesome friend [REDACTED]! This one's for you! By the way, it's from Japan! Let's dig into the Green Tea Kit Kat Bar.

私は休憩を与えます

Green Tea is one of those flavors that the Japanese love in damn near any product, and that hasn't really caught on here in the States. Mostly because green tea isn't our drink of choice. No, we get coffee flavored everything out the wazoo in Eagleland, don't we? God Bless America.

Anyway, I do enjoy Kit Kats quite a bit. My preferred Halloween candy bar as a child, I have always been partial to chocolate covered wafer cookies, and the Kit Kat is the literal Alpha and Omega of this treat on our candy shelves. There are a few variants available in the States (Dark Chocolate, White Chocolate, and uh...Big), but there is a truly bewildering number of variants sold in other countries. Mostly this is because everywhere else it is manufactured by Nestle, but in the good ol' United States, our boy Hershey has all the rights, and Hershey's isn't exactly known for changing things for change's sake. The Kit Kat bar originated with Rowentree in Britain before it was snapped up by Nestle, because of course it did. But hey, we're not here to discuss history, but the here and now! Here.

Truly the embodiment of sophistication and delight. 

It is very green, that is for sure. With flecks of...something in the coating. Maybe it is meant to be fragments of tea leaves? No idea. Otherwise, it's a typical Kit Kat, with a candy coating probably based in white chocolate rather than the traditional dark, and holding all or almost all of the flavorings. It looks exactly as you'd expect, really. Let's take a nibble, shall we?

That is definitely Great Teaness right in your face, that is. I doubly appreciate the fact that the sugar wafer inside is ALSO tinted green. Nice job Nestle, staying on theme. The coating is, as expected, a flavored white chocolate and while I'm not a huge fan of white chocolate in general, I recognize that it is an excellent vehicle for non-traditional flavorings, a role it performs admirably here. Still, it's not like "Green Tea" is a particularly bold flavor. Just a weird (to me) one.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets a smiley face. It is certainly not my favorite flavor of candy (or, well, anything really), but it absolutely lives up to the promise of as much Green Teaness as you can cram into a single candy while still holding true to the nature of that candy. If you love green tea, shove one in your face hole as soon as you can, but for the rest of us it is but a pleasant novelty best enjoyed in small portions over a long period of time. Also, Green Teaness. SOPHISTICATED YA'LL.

Kotas Reviews Coffee Nut Peanut M&Ms

Hola peeps. Been a while since I rapped at ya. I fell on some tough (well, mildly inconvenient) times recently, but we're back in the saddle and raring to go! Just in time for the summer! Is it Fall yet? Let's get this over with, here's our look at Coffee Nut Peanut M&Ms.

Why the hell does this exist?

Coffee and Chocolate go together like mocha and latte. They compliment each other very well, and each brings something to the table that accentuates subdued elements in the other without overwhelming the good parts of each. I often think of it as the best of both worlds, really. So why the fuck would I want to throw a peanut in there? And really, "Coffee Nut"? It's coffee berry or coffee bean, not coffee nut. This is just bizarre to me. Were you really running that thin on "nut" flavors? Ugh. Let's rip it open.

Brown, More Different Brown, and "Cream". Fan-fucking-tastic.

This color palette is almost as bad as the Honey Nut one. At least it stays mostly on theme. Coffee simply doesn't have that many ranges of color, so I'll forgive them...sort of. Let's eat a few and be disappointed.

You know, I'm a stubborn man, but I can admit when I was wrong. These are actually fairly tasty, to my surprise. The coffee adds a bit to the chocolate and the peanut, while there, doesn't get in the way too much. Not bad, Mars, not bad at all! Not great, but not bad. Of course, I love coffee, so I am more inclined to eat these than others might be. 

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 smiley face. I like them a bit better than regular Peanut M&Ms, but I am not going out of my way to get them over non-Peanut M&Ms. Give 'em a whirl if you love Peanut M&Ms and Coffee. Not the pairing I would have chosen, but it does work fairly well.

Kotas Reviews Chili Nut Peanut M&Ms

Well, we're back again. This time with more M&Ms! The first attempt at combining "nut" flavors with Peanut M&Ms was just sort of...meh. What will today's iteration bring? The heights of rapture, or the sinking depths of terror? Maybe the level plain fields of okay? Let's dig into Chili Nut Peanut M&Ms!

That's a mighty suggestive pepper there, bud. 

I never really understood the whole "spicy chocolate phenomena. It is totally a trend, and yes, I realize that some ancient cultures consumed chocolate with various peppers and chillies, but it is a trend I simply rarely see done well. I like spicy food, but the spiciness must be paired with a good flavor or else it just seems like "burning" was added. This occasionally can work, but I remain skeptical of its use in chocolate by a major manufacturer. The packaging is nice at least. Onward!

Ah orange. Nature's Danger Signal.

The color scheme here fits pretty well. Red, more different red, and Orange. You know, like fire. Or possibly an angry flying social insect. Anyway, it's on theme, which as anyone who is me will tell you, is quite important. The taste is...well, disappointing. It tastes like a Peanut M&M, and then your mouth catches fire. This is absolutely the basest form of "make another food burn and call it spicy" that I've encountered in the candy world. It has no chili flavor of any kind, only "chocolate, peanut, and suffering." This is pain for pain's sake. It doesn't accentuate anything, it's just there as an afterthought. More likely they were like "oh man, we need at least three flavors to vote on. Honey nut is obvious...what else is there? Dry Roasted? Nah man, how about Spicy? Hot peanuts are totally a thing!" "Well, could we make it based on chillies?" "Sure, I guess if you don't want to try..." "SHIP IT." It's not awful, but it is also not particularly good, is what I'm sayin'. Good for practical jokes, I suppose.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 0 Faces. I don't hate it, but I certainly don't like it either. It seems like they didn't really put a lot of effort into it to make it interesting beyond "people like spicy things, right?" If you really just love the mouth feel of "spice burn", this might be right up your alley, but me? I'll give it a wide berth. Except maybe when pranking.

Kotas Reviews Honey Nut Peanut M&Ms

I told you this was going to happen. First the chip companies, then Oreo, and now even the vaunted Mars company has gotten on the "Flavor All The Things!" bandwagon. Much like Lay's "Do Us A Flavor", the popular M&M candy is being subjected to "taste these flavors, and vote for your favorite" indignities. Oddly enough, only the Peanut M&M subtype is getting this treatment. Well, let's 'ave a gander at Honey Nut Peanut M&Ms

VOTE! YELLOW M&M DEMANDS YOUR ALLEGIANCE!

A special shout out to a friend who went totally out of their way to bring these to me. Thanks [REDACTED]! This review (and some others) would not have been possible without your generous contribution. 

Well, the packaging is pretty much what I expected it to be, what with the honey comb background, the Yellow M&M, uh, sensuously licking a honey covered finger with a..beehive stuck on his thumb? There is a story here that I am grateful I missed out on, but it looks to me like there is some seriously weird shit going on in the M&M House. Anyway, it is at least eye catching. Also, frankly, the Honey Nut variation makes total sense from an idea perspective. People love honey roasted peanuts, and Honey Nut Cheerios has survived countless competing flavors to remain a beloved breakfast treat. So clearly, this is the place for this flavor to make a transition to a popular candy right? RIGHT?

WRONG!

Could you have picked blander looking colors for this mix? I mean, I get it, but seriously. Yellow, black, and brownish-gold. My appetite is whetted, let me tell you. Whatever, it's an M&M. How bad could it be? Well, the answer is that it isn't bad. The problem is it tastes JUST LIKE A REGULAR PEANUT M&M. I'm not a huge fan of Peanut M&Ms to begin with, but they are a perfectly fine candy that I have no issues with. These bring absolutely nothing new to the table except the vague sensation that someone wasted a lot of effort to transform an ordinary Peanut M&M into...a Peanut M&M. Once or twice I felt I might taste something honey related, but for all I know it was just my brain vainly trying to find something, ANYTHING to set these apart from regular old Peanut M&Ms. 

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 frowny face. They are simply indistinguishable from regular Peanut M&Ms taste wise, and the color mix is shittier, so they don't even look all that great. Just go buy a bag of regular Peanut M&Ms and take joy in the spectrum of color. These? Leave 'em for the bees. A whole lot of effort for a whole lot of nothing. At least you tried, Mars. At least you tried.

Kotas Reviews Caramel Apple Laffy Taffy

Caramel Apple Week continues with...taffy! Taffy is a confection that one sees but rarely outside of tourist traps and any place the purports to do things "the old fashioned way"...by being a tourist trap. Still, it is a candy style that I greatly enjoy and if any candy type would pair well with a caramel apple flavor, it's taffy. But, does it actually work? Ladies, gentleman, children of all ages, today we examine Caramel Apple Laffy Taffy.

Created in a time when misspelling words was kewl.

Laffy Taffy is about the only mass market brand of taffy to exist in stores today that is actually referred to as taffy. Starburst candies are also technically a taffy, but no one seems to realize that, so I will ignore it for now. Taffy pops up in several regional shops, but it was never really a staple of the candy aisle...with the Laffy Taffy exception. Personally, I love the stuff. It is probably the finest brand of edible plastic you can buy and it comes in a variety of yummy flavors. Yes, even the banana flavor. Plus, it's brightly colored! Well, let's see how they do on the caramel apple front. The packaging is...okay, clearly going with a "green apple" motif which is at odds with the stereotypical caramel apple, but whatever. Nothing to write home about. Let's crack these open!

Well, it's...brown.

Laffy Taffy used to come in wax paper squares, rather than the plastic sealed rectangles it arrives in today. Why is this even a thing? Well, you see, this particular formulation is really hard to get out of the package unscathed. Hell, if it gets even slightly warm from, say, holding it in your hand, it can become nigh impossible to get out of the package in anything resembling one piece. I actually had to throw away half of a piece of the stuff simply because I couldn't get the wrapper off. I never had this problem with other flavors, nor with the old wax paper, so I chalk it up to this formulation being extra sticky. You may now make your jokes. 

Speaking of jokes, the central conceit of Laffy Taffy is that it has jokes printed on the wrappers. These jokes are generally submitted by children, and the quality varies from "Dad Joke" to "You should Never be allowed to write Humor again." For example: "What goes to the top of a haunted house? Mon-Stairs!". And this particular gem: "What October holiday do dogs celebrate?" "Bow-wow-ween". I mean, COME ON. The obvious pun there is Howl-o-ween, but nooooooo....we had to go with something nonsensical. This is what happens when you let the public submit content folks. (Full disclosure: that last joke was submitted to me by a former co-worker from HIS piece of Laffy Taffy. You know who you are.)

The scent is heavily on the caramel side, as is the color. So why the HELL is the only real flavor that of an apple? And not even a sour apple, but a regular old apple...well, artificial apple flavoring anyway. Seriously, this stuff is pretty much all apple, all the time in flavor, which is totally at odds with the color and scent. Just...what? 

That's like, three times now that candy makers have messed up a combination flavor in some fashion! How hard is this to do? You put your caramel stuff here, you add some apple there, you add some color there, and you shake it all about. You put them both together and you have caramel apple, This Isn't Exactly Toooooough! Seriously folks, I could take a Kraft Caramel and eat it with Red Apple Jelly Bellies and it would be way more Caramel Apple than this candy is by itself. Not a bad apple flavor though. Way better than most artificial apple flavored things.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 1 frowny face. The actual apple flavor isn't bad, but the disconnect between scent, aesthetics and taste is jarring, especially since I was expecting the apple to be sour apple and not standard apple. Plus, the formula makes unwrapping this much more difficult than it should be. This is definitely in the "eat if offered, don't bother trying to buy" category. At least, if you can get the damn wrapper off.

Kotas Reviews the Caramel Apple Milky Way

Welcome to a much delayed Day 2 of Caramel Apple Week! Once again we delve into the dark mysteries of the up and coming flavor challenger to the venerable and beloved Pumpkin Spice. Will it survive the marketing push that it is under? Nobody knows, but candy is a good place to get your caramel apple on since for a lot of candy you just have to add apple flavoring. Today we look at one such example: The Caramel Apple Milky Way.

Schmancy!

As a child one of my absolute favorite candy bars was the Milky Way (or Mars Bar as it's known everywhere else in the world). I was going through my "I don't like any kind of nut in any of my candy" phase and the Milky Way provided a nice, peanut free alternative to the otherwise ubiquitous Snickers bar. I have never lost my affection for them, but they tend to be a "fall back" candy when I want something comforting and familiar and not necessarily interesting. How does this one shape up?

The packaging is certainly a step up from the "brown and more brown" of the traditional Milky Way. Red stands out from other candy wrappers in this category nicely, and there's some pleasing art of caramel and apples, together. Let's see how these things look!

More like UnFun Size, amirite?

Yeah, pretty much what I expected. As an aside, why are these tiny bits of candy called "Fun Size"? Was "miniature" not entertaining enough? And seriously, wouldn't it be more fun if it was bigger? In fact, if your goal is to reduce waste these bits are a total failure, probably adding 3 times the wrapper for the same amount of candy as in a regular Milky Way. You know what? I'm rambling. Let's eat them! NOW!

That feeling right there? That's "underwhelming" in a nutshell.

Well...it is definitely a Milky Way. The nougat is a little lighter than in normal Milky Ways, but the flavor is mostly the same, except for a hint of "apple-ish something" that seems very tacked on. It never really gels with the caramel OR the nougat, sort of showing up in the aftertaste more than anything as a reminder that "Oh yeah, these are caramel apple and not regular Milky Ways". It's not bad, but it is nothing particularly special. I wanted to like these, but ultimately I doubt I would notice they were different from regular Milky Ways until after I had eaten some. I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to eat one.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 0 Faces. It's a Milky Way with an apple reference and different packaging. Unless you are a candy wrapper art aficionado, don't bother with this one. However, if you are offered one, there is no reason to turn it down. Unless you hate Milky Ways, of course. 

Kotas Reviews Caramel Apple Twizzlers

Ah, Halloween, when we finally get a holiday that is solely about dressing up in spooky costumes in an effort to extort candy from those we once called "neighbors". How delightfully evil it all is! It is also a season for remembering treats from years gone by, even if you never actually had those treats as a kid. That's why this week is CARAMEL APPLE WEEK!

That's right, the treat that no one ever actually gets at Halloween is this season's Pumpkin Spice, in that I'm seeing Caramel Apple everything popping up. Sure, we had some examples from last year, but this year it has really gotten out of hand. With that in mind, we turn to our first subject, the legendary Caramel Apple Twizzler.

King Size, because you are my fans, and want me to suffer.

It is no secret that my red licorice twist of choice is the humble Twizzler. Only vaguely fruit flavored, it is the finest plastic treat that one can sink one's teeth into. There is just something particularly satisfying about biting into a Twizzler that is hard to explain. Also, if you bite the ends off you can use one as a makeshift straw! A terrible, terrible straw. So...how do these babies hold up?

Kang and Kodos would be proud of these candies. 

Well, they smell vaguely like caramel in some way. The sickly green color is supposed to represent a Granny Smith apple maybe? Or a Sour Apple flavoring? Seriously, was red not good enough here? There is something apple-ish about their odor, so I guess that is on theme. Maybe. Also, the goo inside oozes out a bit when you squeeze the end, which is sort of spooky. Maybe. Let's take a bite.

Oh God, what have I done? Seriously, this is all the worst parts of candy ever conceived and rolled up into terror. There is nothing apple here, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. In fact, if anyone says "Yeah, that's sort of like an apple" they are clearly evil space zombie communist vampire werewolves and need to be driven from their space enclaves. Seriously, fuck this flavor. The so called caramel fairs a little better, in that it is caramel in the same way a Sugar Baby is caramel...if that baby was barfing at the time. WHY IS IT GRITTY? When will manufacturers learn that GRITTY IS NOT A THING? The combination of both of these fucking terrible flavors is as nauseating as it is offensive to the mind. Come on Hershey's (the parent company of Twizzlers). Did someone put you up to this? DID THEY? STOP RUINING THINGS I LIKE. I ate two. I threw the rest out. I NEVER DO THIS.

On the FACE Rating System these get a Damning FOUR frownie faces, because seriously, fuck this shit, fuck the factory it was made it, and to hell with the person who thought this would be a good idea. If I never see another package of this travesty again, it'll be too soon. No one should eat this. DOGS should not eat this. I wouldn't wish these on prisoners. GAAAAAAAAAAH.

Kotas Reviews Brach's Pumpkin Spice Candy Corn

Ah, Fall. Probably my favorite season of the year. The weather is cooling, but not freezing. The leaves on the trees are pretty colors. I can wear long pants without dying in the sweltering heat. Fall also contains two of my favorite food based holidays: Halloween and Thanksgiving. There is, however, a more sinister side to Fall, and that is the Oncoming Storm of Pumpkin Spice. Yes, the flavor that cravers love to savor is back and in full force once again. Let's see how it handles another fall favorite. Today we look at Brach's Pumpkin Spice Candy Corn.

May Glob have mercy on our souls.

I admit that I am a candy corn aficionado. Candy corn was always a staple in my house while I was growing up and though I was not a huge fan at first, I came to enjoy the subtle waxy sweetness that a good candy corn can bring, along with its cousins the mallow pumpkin and the "autumn mix". Candy corn is definitely an acquired taste and is certainly not for everyone, though they've tried broadening the market with such things as chocolate candy corn, "reindeer corn" which is just candy corn in red, green, and white, and other seasonal varieties. My preferences run toward "traditional" candy corn, because most variants are not very good or just recolors of the traditional. Not so with today's offering. Let's dive in!

Yep. It looks like candy corn. Candy corn has always had a very distinctive odor associated with it, but this stuff smells more like a Yankee Candle in the Pumpkin Spice scent. The colors are fine, being the traditional orange, white, and yellow, so it would be indistinguishable from ordinary candy corn in a bowl. Clearly, that is how they get you. But appearances aren't everything, how does it taste? 

I actually like Pumpkin Spice in myriad forms. The Starbucks Latte variety is delicious, and pumpkin doughnuts are always a treat. Pumpkin pie is one of my staple fall desserts, and who doesn't love a hint of gourdly goodness in their muffins now and again? So, as you can see, I am certainly predisposed to like these two flavors. But...how do they pair?

Have you ever smelled a candle and thought "man, that smells delicious. I wonder how it would taste?" Yeah, well, eating this so called food is exactly like what I imagine eating a pumpkin spice candle would taste like. I mean, yeah, candy corn has a bit of waxiness to it, but for Crap's Sake, this is the waxiest thing I've ever put in my mouth, and I've tried Wax Lips candy...which is real wax! The terror is exacerbated by the most nauseatingly fake pumpkin flavor imaginable, marching over the taste buds in horribly malignant saraband. There is something resembling artificial "spice", but what spice it could be I could scarcely comprehend.   I really hated this stuff, as did my long suffering mother who is also a candy corn connoisseur. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 3 Frownie Faces. It is just fucking awful and we would all be better off if this abomination had never escaped the lab to threaten us in our homes. Run as far as you can from this nightmare concoction and don't turn back, like I did. You may never recover from your experience. Don't wait for me, it's too late. Save yourself!

Kotas Reviews a One Pound Gummy Rabbit

Yeah, yeah, I know Easter is well and truly over, but damn it, this is my space and I'll review what I want to review! I am a huge fan of Easter Themed Candy, starting with my unabashed love of Cadbury Creme Eggs and Peeps of all shapes and colors (There are Lemonade Peeps! And they are amazing! GO EAT THEM!). One of the most quintessential pieces of Easter candy is the chocolate rabbit, always doomed to have the ears consumed first. While my spouse and child received the appropriate chocolate offerings, this year I decided to switch it up a bit. No chocolate for me this year. No, I was headed into the danger zone of artificial fruit flavoring and oddly synthetic textures. Ladies and Gentlemen, today we review the One Pound Gummy Bunny.

MAGNIFICENT!

I'm not a huge fan of gummy candy, but I do enjoy it on occasion, and of all gummy flavorings, I love cherry flavor the most. It reminds me of my childhood, and seeing this darling brought back some of the magic of receiving a ridiculously oversized piece of candy as a gift. Let's crack this sucker open!

Paper Towel for extra classiness.

This thing is pretty substantial to hold, and incredibly sticky. It took a bit of effort to peel it off the paper towel without bits of the towel sticking fast to the underside. The smell is almost exactly like that of raw ICEE cherry flavored syrup, or maybe that of a cherry Slush Puppie. This is a dense candy that knows how to party.

No hollow rabbit here! Solid all the way through.

The taste of this thing is the same super sweet, super fake cherry-esque flavor that an ICEE or Slushie would have once all the ice melted and you had just the syrup. This is pure solidified fake cherry syrup goodness, and every bite reminds your pancreas that you hate it. It is surprisingly tough to tear, and I had to resort to a knife to slice off acceptably sized pieces to consume and share. Even then, it was really tough to eat. It was most efficient to just take bites straight from the carcass candy mass, but just biting through it could be a chore, as it was also very chewy.

On the FACE Rating System, this glorious rabbit gets a solid two smiley faces. I would not recommend it to anyone with easily lost fillings or those who hate artificial cherry flavoring, but for gummy lovers and fake cherry lovers, I have but one suggestion:

LIVE THE DREAM!

Kotas Reviews Hershey's Pumpkin Spice Kisses and the Russell Stover Dark Chocolate Red Velvet Pumpkin

Hello everyone! I've been taking a bit of a break recently due to a variety of reasons, but now we're back with...more Halloween stuff. Yeah, I know, Halloween was weeks ago, but the plethora of leftover candy has kept me in a bit of a candy coma for a while. Still, I'm back now, and boy do we have some treats for you. First up, Hershey's Pumpkin Spice Kisses.

Ain't she a beaut?

Hershey's Kisses are one of the best ways to enjoy their rather uniquely American take on chocolate, being big enough to be satisfying, yet small enough not to feel like you are gorging yourself. This combines to let you look wistfully into the empty bag and wonder what exactly just happened. Still, I am generally dubious of anything that goes outside the usual parameter of "chocolate, and nothing else". Let's have a look see!

Very underwhelming, really.

These look less like a traditional Hershey Kiss, and more like the inferior white chocolate cousin, the Hershey Hug. Hugs are, at best, something to eat when you want some candy, but have nothing better. I do not particularly care for white chocolate, and Hugs get no love from me. Then again, maybe this one will be the flavored candy that alters my opinion.

A box without hinges, key or lid, yet inside whitish goo is hid!

Well, they certainly smell pumpkin spicey. Much more spice than pumpkin, yet there is a hint of it. Instead of being a solid candy all the way through, this one is a very soft center coated in a durable waxy shell. The Kiss doesn't lend itself well to this sort of thing usually but in this case, it seems to be fairly well done. The flavor is like eating a bit of heavily spiced gingerbread wax filled with some sort of creamy...something. It is incredibly artificial tasting, but it's not bad if you like nutmeg and gingerbread. There might be the barest hint of pumpkin flavor, but I couldn't find it.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 frowny face. They really aren't terrible or anything, but I would describe them as a good presentation of a terrible recipe. The flavor is not pumpkin, but it is spice...gingerbread spice. The mouth feel is waxy and unappealing. I did enjoy the foil though, and the little paper flag is of the highest quality. Not really recommended except for that rare breed of Hershey Kiss Completionist.

Next up from the bargain bin we have the Russell Stover Red Velvet Dark Chocolate Pumpkin. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? There are a large, LARGE number of different flavored candy pumpkins that Russell Stover produces each year, and this one comes from the veritable wall that my local drug store had for sale.

Look at that face! It just screams "legitimate pumpkin candy".

Russell Stover is what I call a "low tier" chocolate maker. They put out a huge variety of average quality chocolates, along with a cornucopia of themed sweets. They are at their best when you want a lot of different kinds of chocolate confections in one box, for cheap, but their theme items are only fair to middlin' in flavor. Great on price though! Let's see what mysteries await us!

That's not very pumpkin-y. It could just as easily be an ornament shape.

Now it is even less pumpkin than before!

Well, I can't say I'm excited to see this. I am not sure what I was expecting, but this is really just a candy disk with a nub at one end. It could be almost anything, so I suppose pumpkin is as likely as any other vaguely round object with a distinctive appendage. It smells of dark chocolate and...maybe devil's food cake. This is actually an encouragement, since Red Velvet cake is just Devil's Food cake with some food coloring and a good marketing department.

The flavor is, in a phrase "fucking terrible". The chocolate makes a bold attempt at being something worth eating, but it has too much of that cheap, artificial flavor to pull it off. The filling tastes like sand mixed with sugar, paste and suffering. The thing actually crunches as I chew it, as if I were consuming aquarium gravel or possibly ground glass. I managed to choke down half of the thing, and gave the other half to my long suffering wife. She boldly consumed as much as I did, and for that, I owe her. I did not gag though, so I suppose that's a plus.

On the FACE Rating System, this travesty gets 3 frowny faces. Stay the hell away from it, unless you hate yourself. Wash it down with  Bud Light Chelada for that authentic taste of misery and despair. Leftover candy is not all it is cracked up to be, that is for sure!

Kotas Reviews Candy Corn M&Ms

M&Ms were always sort of a stand in for "generic" candy. They were colorful, relatively inexpensive, had the usual array of urban legends associated with them, and they have a catchy slogan. You always knew what to expect from M&Ms and that was chocolate goodness wrapped in a candy shell, sometimes with a peanut accompaniment. Holiday specials were usually limited to different color mixes for the candy shell, while keeping the same old chocolate (and maybe peanut) insides intact.

Through the miracle of modern marketing, M&Ms is making the same leap that Nabisco has with a variety of interesting flavors and textures. We've had Mint M&Ms, White Chocolate M&Ms, Pretzel M&Ms, Crispy M&Ms, Peanut Butter M&Ms, Dark Chocolate M&Ms, Raspberry M&Ms, Almond M&Ms, and even  Pineapple M&Ms. Some of these have been available for a long time, some rotate in an out, and some are only available in selected markets. Which brings us to today's experiment.

He looks about as happy about the situation as I do.

Bask in the gleaming magnificence of marketing ambition. The packaging is pretty terrific actually. Familiar character? Check. Proper logo? Check. Unusual outfit for familiar character? Check. A picture of the damn product itself? Check. Semi-clever usage of an image of candy corn to replace the A in "Candy Corn"? You bet that's a Check. Mars certainly has presentation down pat. Let's rip open the bag and gorge on the innards!

Innards! Hideous piles of Innards!

The color palette chosen for this is pretty obvious: Candy corn is usually white, orange, and yellow, so naturally these would be too. The smell is almost but not quite exactly NOTHING like candy corn though. It actually reminds me more of the most artificial egg nog you've ever smelled than anything. The candies themselves are about twice the size of an ordinary M&M, so I would advise against gobbling them down by the handful. I would advise that for other reasons as well, but this seemed like an important safety tip for adventurous snackers. 

I guess this is kind of like candy corn. Maybe.

The flavor is most definitely White Chocolate laced with what aimed for "candy corn" and ended up with "egg nog" flavoring. I happen to enjoy candy corn (Brach's being my brand of preference), and this is So Very Much Not Candy Corn in flavor. Like, at all. I've never particularly liked white chocolate either, having always considered it the bastard offshoot of cacao extracted sweets. So of course I was predisposed to not like these candies, but coupled with the utter and complete failure of the candy corn flavor I would not recommend this even to white chocolate lovers, unless you happen to really really like artificial egg nog flavoring. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 2 frowny faces. I ate my allotted portion, but I do not think I will be eating any more of these. Save your money and just get regular M&Ms or, if you are a white chocolate lover, white chocolate M&Ms. Even die-hard candy corn enthusiasts would be better off just eating some regular candy corn.

Kotas Reviews Pineapple M&Ms

There has been a pattern lately of people going to extraordinary lengths to get review material to me. Root Beer Oreos from Atlanta and Marshmallow Crispy Oreos from Arizona were provided to me by very generous friends, but perhaps it is getting out of hand. Today's product arrived from literally halfway around the world to grace the pages of this blog. Behold the unabashed oddity that is Pineapple M&Ms.

G'day Mate!

Candy 'round the world is often flavored in ways that seem weird and unusual to our unsubtle American palates, and today's product is no exception. I cannot recall ever eating an M&M and thinking "You know what this needs? PINEAPPLE." I will admit I do enjoy the idea of the Yellow M&M dressed up as a pineapple, though so I suppose I'll give this a fair shake.

I'm not sure what I was expecting with these, really.

Just look at that bold array of colors! Green, brown, yellow, and...uh...Other Green! Yes, these are definitely M&M candies. I get that they were trying to go with a "pineapple" color theme here, but...really? Green and Other Green? Just green and yellow would have been fine folks. It looks like Overstock Day at the M&M store is what I'm saying.

The scent from the package is a strong pineapple one, though it smells less artificial than some pineapple candies do. The taste is exactly what you would expect if you ate some M&Ms directly after finishing some pineapple. It is M&M chocolate, with a bit of pineapple taste lingering in the mouth, but mostly M&M chocolate. It's not bad, exactly, but it makes me question why these are even a thing that exists. The two flavors are not meshed well together at all. The pineapple taste is just sort of half-assedly there. 

On the FACE Rating System I give these 0 Smiley faces. They aren't bad, but they aren't particularly good either and mostly just confused me. That said, if you really like pineapple and chocolate, these might be for you. My mother quite enjoyed them. Definitely worth trying if you ever happen to be Down Under, but they are not the M&M for me.

Kotas Reviews the District 12 Chocolate Bar

Welcome to Day 6 of the Hunger Reviews! Today we wrap up our sojourn into the freakish world of designer candy movie tie-ins with the final bar I was able to get my hands on. Will it tantalize? Will it enrapture? Will it be fucking boring as shit instead? Let's find out!

Reuse of mix-ins? FOR SHAME WILD OPHELIA!

Well, the label is on par with almost all of the other labels, so I can't really complain too much. This is Yet Another Salted Chocolate Bar and it shows nothing like the creativity shown in the last chocolate bar I tried. Salt and Milk Chocolate eh? Well, they failed miserably the last time they tried to salt chocolate, let's find out if this will be pleasure or poison.

My money is on poison.

The bar is still that same, stupid, boring pattern with not a single outstanding thing to show that this is different from any other chocolate bar. It smells of milk chocolate and...that's pretty much it. Guess what? It tastes like milk chocolate and that's pretty much it. If the salt adds anything to this bar, I certainly couldn't tell. The texture was at least smooth and not gritty like the other salted chocolate bar, so it has that going for it. This might very well be the single most boring piece of fancy chocolate I've ever consumed. It is certainly not worth $5, and I'm not even sure it was worth the $2.50 I paid for it, but it IS a step above Ye Olde Hershey's. 

On the FACE Rating System, this bar gets 0 faces on sheer dullness. I can't hate it, because there are no outstanding features to hate, but I can't like it for the same reason. You'd be better off just buying one of those giant Cadbury bars and actually enjoying yourself. 

So ends the Hunger Reviews with 6 bars competing and only 2 showing anything like promise. The average FACE Rating for all of these is 0 faces, and I cannot recommend people bother picking them up, at least at their full price. You might hit up the District 5 and District 10 bars for reasonably tasty and/or interesting choices, but the others? Meh to AUUUUUUGH. 

Kotas Reviews the District 10 Chocolate Bar

Welcome to Day 5 of the Hunger Reviews! Today we finally get away from lame add ins and put the gore in gourmet with the District 10 Bar. District 10 is known for livestock, so what sort of candy could POSSIBLY represent livestock? Turns out, no candy at all. BEHOLD THE NIGHTMARE.

Fire up the abattoir, we've got chocolate to make!

Beef Jerky AND Smoked Mesquite? In a Milk Chocolate Bar? The world has gone mad, and I am at the center of that whirlwind. The label has a nice color scheme and FINALLY we get something off the wall and unorthodox in our progression through this chocolate line up. My prediction upon first viewing this was that it would be wretched. Let's crack it open and see if I am right!

Well, it looks fairly normal.

The first thing you notice upon opening the package is the smell. It smells like mesquite flavored beef jerky AND chocolate. There is NO mistaking this for a non-beef-jerky infused chocolate bar that's for certain. The taste is...surprisingly decent! The sweet creaminess of the milk chocolate is an interesting contrast to the smoky meaty taste of the beef jerky. It is really in there, and you will find your self chewing on a small morsel of the stuff long after the chocolate has dissolved. It is certainly a hefty step above the wretched District 3 bar, which should be purged from existence as soon as possible. Guess I'm no Kreskin, eh? Or for you younger readers, no John Edward.

On the FACE Rating System, this chocolate bar gets 1 smiley face. It's still not worth $5, but the novelty of it along with the unexpectedly decent taste brings up the score significantly. Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion of the Hunger Reviews!