Kotas Reviews Hammond's Pigs N' Taters Chocolate Bar

Well, it's the end of Chip Week, but we're all out of Lay's flavors. So I suppose I'll just have to come up with something on theme. Well loyal readers, I found something that will intrigue you, amaze you, and quite possibly disgust you. Do you dare look into the Potatoy Abyss? Or will you flee into the night screaming, like so many before you? Okay, maybe I'm laying it on a bit thick. Let's take a peek at the Hammond's Pigs N' Taters Chocolate Bar.

F'gnly M'agwah Cthulthu F'atgn!

You read it here first folks, this is an actual candy bar with not only bacon, but potato chips as a primary ingredient. Of course, you are probably wondering "Who the hell is Hammond" and "Why is he selling this bizarre chocolate bar?" Well, Hammond's Candy is an old candy company, but these days mostly sells to the department store crowd. These candies find their way into variety stores, greeting card places, and other purveyors of miscellany. Mostly, they are one of the many makers of "off brand, yet trying to be fancy" chocolates that you see at the check out counters of random stores. Lest ye think this kind of stuff is the norm, they have a wide variety of chocolate bars that are not completely insane (though I will admit that their peanut butter and jelly sandwich bar is in the weird category). 

I am not particularly fond of the packaging here. I have always appreciated companies that use the "foil paper with cover paper" chocolate bar wrapping, because it is the standard I grew up with until they moved to that weirdly clingly "solely super thin plastic" stuff, but this design is very generic and boring. Sure, the pink color stands out a bit, but there's not even a cartoon pig or anything that makes the label jump out at you. I would have totally bypassed this in the store except for my spouse pointing out that it exists. But enough about that, let's get to the real crazy.

Into that black abyss from whence we all come from once I stare and tremble as my gaze slides onto that hideous PIGNESS that is this candy.

Maybe I should be less afraid of this candy than I originally thought. This is wholly underwhelming in almost all ways, though I am impressed at the bit of actual bacon that sticks out from the top right bit of the chocolate bar there. The scent is weirdly chemical for a chocolate bar, which was off putting, but I must give them credit for using actual bacon and potato chips in their chocolate. Sadly, the chocolate is where this whole thing falls down. The bacon bits are okay, adding a LOT of salt and a bit of smokiness to the taste. The chips mostly just add some crunch. The chocolate here is of, presumably, very low quality though, and that plasticy, chemical flavor of shitty chocolate just ruins the whole experience. It's not quite the grittastic nightmare of some of the really cheap "chocolate flavored" candy out there, but it's not a high bar to leap over, and this just barely does so. Yucktacular.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 2 frownie faces. Weirdly, the bacon and chip portions were way better than the chocolate portion they were supposed to be enhancing. Just shows that you can't really put lipstick on a pig and call it a sow's purse...or something. Bypass this entirely, and instead think about what it COULD have been.