Monday, May 13, 2019

Kotas Reviews Mexican Jalepeno Peanut M&Ms

I suppose some people never learn a lesson. No matter how much you try and teach them a thing, all you get is a vague nod and then six months later they do the exact same thing wrong, again. One can only shake one's head at it, and either give up, or try again, hoping for a different outcome. Well call me stupid, because here I go again. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's dive in to Mexican Jalepeno M&Ms.

Thanks, I hate it.
This is not the first time Mars has come out with a spicy peanut M&M, but I guess it's been three years and they needed something as filler for their latest promotion, which is "International" flavors. Now, jalepenos make sense here, because they are widely grown in Mexico, and can be used in a lot of traditional Mexican cuisine. But...really? Just Yellow holding a bunch of peppers in a sombrero? Where's the Mexican flag? The package is green, sure, I get it, but...this is it? The art is very disappointing is what I'm saying. I don't even get the color scheme they went with: red and green for the peppers, sure. But...why yellow? Because it is the 'famous' peanut M&M? White would have been MUCH better to really hammer home the International theme as those would be the colors of the Mexican flag. This just screams of laziness. Oh well, maybe it'll taste good. 

This is just sad.
Well, it looks like M&Ms. So that's cool, I guess. Why the hell are we using Peanut M&Ms for this? The flavor is just like it was with the Chili Nut M&Ms: Peanut M&M, then hot. I thought I maybe got the barest hint of jalepeno-esque flavor at one point, but I think I can chalk that up to wishful thinking. There's nothing Jalepeno about this, it's just the same old crap repackaged in slapdash "international" packaging. I don't really see the appeal of mass produced chocolate and "burning", but I guess I don't understand marketing.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 Frowny Face. I don't get why these needed to exist, but I gather they needed something for their dumb ass promotion and slapped this together in about 3 days. Don't buy these, don't bother with these. If you really need spicy chocolate and nuts, sprinkle some cayanne pepper on a Mr. Goodbar and save yourself some trouble. They ain't paying me enough for this job.

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Kotas Reviews Bang Rainbow Unicorn Energy Drink

It hasn't been that long since my last review of Bang products, but I had a moment of weakness after a very rough day and needed a serious pick me up. Lo and behold, I found that Bang was there for me. Or, was it? Perhaps it was simply a gateway to strange and twisted vistas, where dark presences lurk and wait for us to blindly stumble past them unaware, disdainfully gazing upon our forms with all the contempt one summons for the insect that buzzes your ear. Or maybe I was just really, really tired. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Bang Rainbow Unicorn.

UUUUUUUUUUNICOOOOOOORN!
Why the fuck is this named Rainbow Unicorn? As I've stated before many energy drinks have odd names that only vaguely relate to what they actually taste like, but this one really pulls out all the stops and just straight up won't tell you what it tastes like. "What flavor is this?" "Mythical Animal". "No really, what flavor is this" *raised middle fingers*. If there was any whimsy that could be injected into this in the name of having something "cute" I could almost understand it, but there's nothing whimsical about this at all. The can isn't even RAINBOW COLORED! What is it about this drink that I am supposed to glean? Eh, fuck it. Let's open it up.

Damn it, Bang. HAVE SOME FUCKING COLOR.
Once again the drink is straight up clear, further emphasizing how far away from anything resembling normal drink this is. A clear medium through which flavors are communicated is the clearest sign of Chemical Magic occurring, and is never something to be taken lightly. Also, where is my GOD DAMN WHIMSY? Ugh, can you lose Sanity from consuming a drink? WELL I GUESS WE'RE ABOUT TO FUCKIN' FIND OUT.

Oh god, it tastes like the blood of Care Bears. So sickeningly sweet and cloying, yet also completely mishmashed as a concept! The primary flavor is "artificial watermelon", but it is cojoined in an awful way with "artificial bubblegum" flavoring. No, not "Watermelon Bubblegum", but "Watermelon AND Bubblegum simultaneously". If you cannot tell the difference, that's probably a good sign, given that I may have been driven to madness by this eldritch drink. I'll say this though, if you can choke it down, it will put a bit of pep in your step. I don't know that it's worth the journey, but the destination could be worse. 

On the Face Rating System, this gets 3 Frownie Faces. If you feasted on the entrails of a Popple, or maybe just ate a Snork whole, this is the flavor of the juice that would drip off your chin. Stay the hell away if you value your taste buds.