Monday, October 22, 2018

Kotas Reviews Lucky Charms Frosted Flakes

Well hello there everyone! Been a long time since I last stepped into this space isn't it? Yeah, well, I had a bunch of stuff go down that ate a bunch of my time up. But that's not why we're here today is it? No, it's the very best month of the year for folk like me: The Season of the Snack is upon us! Halloween, where the holiday is all about costumes and candy and being scared. Welcome one and all to Spooktober! First on our Spooktober Spectacular, we have a hideous abomination stitched together from parts dredged up from the floor of a factory and shoved in a box as hideous as it is colorful. That's right, let's take a look at Lucky Charms Frosted Flakes.

Don't let the smile fool you. He'll cut you but good!
Well, it finally happened. Someone at the General Mills factory fucked up and dumped a container of Lucky Charms marbits into a container of Frosted Flakes instead of the usual oat pieces. Legend has it that rather than take a loss on this disaster, the owners of the place simply ordered up some new box art and this malfeasance filled atrocity was given life. The box art cheerfully informs us of this Kitchen Nightmare, though I admit it was probably a good choice to just use Lucky the Leprechaun as the sole mascot. Though perhaps a half tiger version would play better this month. Anyway, let's open it up.

The first ingredient may be whole grain, but the second one is murder.
Alas, I am disappointed. I must give credit for being exactly what it says on the tin box, but it has suffered from Excessive Marbit Sorting, where in some cereal shapes are not conducive to keeping a good marbit mixture. As shown above, the number of marshmallows in this bowl was criminally low, though subsequent bowls had progressively more and more of them. But you know what? I like Lucky Charms. I like Frosted Flakes. How is this travesty going to stand up?

My word, if all travesties were this tasty, we'd need a different, more marketable word for them. This tastes pretty dang good, actually, if you like Frosted Flakes. The additional sweetness of the marbits is more of an enhancement than a detriment. It is extremely sweet, but it carefully treads that line between very sweet and far too sweet. Nice job, General Mills.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets a solid 2 Smiley Faces. It tastes good and it looks decent, even though it probably isn't on shelves anymore. If you get a chance to try it, it's pretty good, and you can probably simulate it by buying a bag of marbits off of Amazon and dumping it into a box of Frosted Flakes. On the Trick or Treat scale, this is definitely a Treat.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Kotas Reviews Pistachio Oreo Thins

Ah Fall, the greatest and best of all the seasons. Not so hot as to melt the brain, but not so cold as to freeze it either. Jacket and sweater weather is the best weather, as far as I'm concerned. Too bad that, much like Spring, we only get 2 or 3 weeks of actual Fall before Winter starts to settle in. Oh well! Let's eat some Oreos. Ladies and Gentlemen, today we look at Pistachio Oreo Thins.

Not sure what this has to do with Fall, but here we are.
My father loves pistachios. One of our minor traditions for years was for one of his Christmas present to be a huge jar of them that he would eat on for most of the winter. Once I overcame my own disdain for "nuts" in general, I also grew to enjoy pistachios as probably my favorite nut after macadamia. Seriously, I will waste a bowl of these things in an afternoon if I don't pay attention. However, I've never been one to have them in sweet things. Pistachio ice cream is "okay", but it isn't something I generally seek out. So when I saw these in the grocery store, I thought "Eh, what the hell. I haven't seen a new Oreo flavor in a while". The packaging is actually fairly pedestrian. Oreos with green filling, a sad couple of pistachios. Very meh. Let's tear it open.

Is anyone surprised?
Yep, precisely what I expected. Chocolate cookie, green creme filling, all business. They smell excellent though, just like cookies from an Italian bakery in Brooklyn. How do they taste though? Like someone turned Italian cookies into a creme filling, colored in green, and put it between two thin Oreos that's what. These are the best damn amaretto cookies I've ever tasted. Not so much pistachio, though I suppose they have a hint of it, but they are fuckin' delicious nonetheless. Om nom nom nom nom nom nom aw the bag is empty.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 3 Smiley Faces. If you like amaretto, go get 'em right the fuck now. If you don't, well, avoid them at all cost. If you wanted pistachio flavor, uh...go somewhere else. So they fail in that regard, but GIMME GIMME GIMME!