Kotas Reviews the Fried Twinkie

Las Vegas is a town like no other. Giant man-made monuments to consumption and hubris dot the desert landscape, and light up the night with neon and promises of pleasures legal and illicit. Everywhere you go there is someone who wants to put a drink in your hand and a smile on your face. They have a surprisingly high number of aquariums for some reason. Then there is the food, OH THE FOOD! It is glorious in both quality and quantity, though not always at the same time, but occasionally you get the best of both worlds. Then...you don't. I'm just back from a whirlwind tour of some of the most Buffet buffets Vegas has to offer, and from there I turn to today's promised glory. Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a look at the glory of the Fried Twinkie.

TA DAAAAAA!

While feasting at the glorious MGM Grand Champagne Brunch (what a steal, if you drink 3-4 mimosas...and who doesn't?), I came across a whole platter of doughnuts and the like. Nestled next to it was a small pile of the legendary Fried Twinkies, left there almost as an afterthought. Of COURSE I had to snag one. I mean, look at it! The outside has a crisp shell, which leads me to believe this particular variety was dipped in batter first. I'll be honest, it smells heavenly, with a lovely sweet vanilla aroma that makes this thing seem super special. It mostly looks like a Twinkie, but really it could be any old fried cylinder of dough. Let's crack it open!

Stacked all fancy like, because reasons!

Well, it's...pretty much just some fried cake at this point. There is only the barest bit of "not quite as solid as the rest of this" in the middle that hints that perhaps at some point there might have been some filling. Otherwise it's just another doughnut. A sub PAR doughnut. The texture and taste of the crisp outside is quite nice, but the cake inside just got kind of tough and chewy. There's no filling to contrast with, presumably because it has been super-heated and thus dispersed through the cake itself rather than being the burst of sugary sweetness we are used to in a regular non-fried Twinkie. It's not bad, but it's not particularly good either. I expected better of you, Twinkie. Or maybe I should blame those who could not appreciate you for what you are but instead sought to make you more than what you could possibly become. Tough call, really.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 1 Frowny Face. It's not awful, but it is very disappointing. Maybe it could be improved with a more "tempura" light fry sort of a affair, but as presented here it's a big old pile of meh. If you are in the MGM Grand Buffet and see one, you might as well try it for yourself, but as a stand alone product I would pass.

Kotas Reviews Maple Water

Coconut water has been trendy for a while now. If you don't know what coconut water is, basically someone decided that refining the slop that comes out of coconuts was an unnecessary step in the refinement process and just bottled the stuff straight up. Now, it's been the healthy beverage advocated for by athletes and health nuts alike. Me? I can't stand the stuff. I dislike most coconut products in general, and as a flavoring, it isn't my first (or second or eleventh) pick. Still, maybe there's a product that appeals to me? I suppose we have to find out. Ladies and gentlemen, today we crack open some Maple Water.

Yup. Mostly water.

According to the reputed scholars at Drink Maple's Labeling Institute, maple water is just "maple syrup before we boil it into actual maple syrup". Straight from the tree to your throat is where it's at, apparently. Uh, hooray I guess? Honestly, I didn't even know this was a thing until my spouse brought some home one day, but I don't know why I'm surprised at anything anymore. This job is tough sometimes, but we do what we do. 

The label isn't very fancy, just some text, a circle, and a maple leaf. I guess it's hard to make interesting packaging for what is effectively tree squeezin's, so they have my sympathy here. I think the labeling is just somewhat sterile is all. Maybe put a whole maple tree on here? Some bucket icons? Anyway, it's what's inside that counts, right? So let's pour one up.

Yeah, it basically looks like slightly tinged water. It does kinda vaguely smell of maple syrup, but other then that? It's water. Now, I'm not opposed to paying for water in a bottle. I regularly do so as a convenience for camping trips and other outdoor activities, but I can't seeing myself pay too much for bottled water, because it is after all just water. Maple water price wise is about the same as coconut water, which is around $2-$3 a bottle, so I don't know, I kind of expected a bit more from this? Whatever, down the hatch!

Have you ever drunk something that tastes like nothing until after you stopped drinking it? This is what drinking maple water was like. I drank some water, then suddenly smelled maple syrup. It was really weird. I know taste and smell are very tightly linked in the old sense bucket, but my tongue was telling me "water bro" while my nose is all "syrup, yo". It was very...disconcerting to say the least. My 4 year old didn't like it though, so I got to "enjoy" her sampling. Hooray.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 0 Faces. I don't hate it, but I would never seek this out as a treat or a refreshment or anything. If you hand one to me, I would drink it out of politeness. It's just water with the lightest note of maple taste and a heaping of maple scent, but only after you drink it. I'll give it this, it was quite refreshing, but so is tap water. Try it if you want, or just, I don't know, add a few drops of maple syrup to your glass of water.

Kotas Reviews West of Loathing

Well, howdy there partner! We don't get too many people lookin' for NON-food reviews 'round these parts, but I tell ya what. You set a spell and we'll cram your ear full of some high falutin' newfangled review goodness. Or, you know, maybe not. Still, it's been a while since I last did a non-food review, and boy have we got a nice one today. As you all may recall, I enjoy the games quite a bit, especially the games what are on the video. So let's take a look at one that has a...unique pedigree. Ladies, Gentlemen, Cowfolk of all ages, let's take a look at West of Loathing.

With Booze! Because of course.
Picture taken from http://westofloathing.com

Way back in the mists of time known as "the early 2000s", browser based games were just starting to become a thing. The most well known of these is of course the Free to Play MMORPG called Runescape, which still runs to this day. It supported itself with advertising showing on the game play screen, as well as offering subscriptions and other store items. This of course inspired a host of other browser based games, because hey, Web 2.0 and all that, right? Still, Runescape was Java-based, and thus required additional downloads to play, even if they were incorporated in the browser. But, what if you could play in a more leisurely, turn based sort of way? 

Enter Kingdom of Loathing. First published in 2003, this game is a full browser based, turn based Dragon Warrior style RPG with a decidedly minimalist, hand-crafted aesthetic and the humor of a Dad convention run by snarky 90s teens. I discovered it in 2005-2006, when it caught on like wildfire among my coworkers at a help desk job, and it ate a LOT of my time. I loved the jokes, the stick figure "Hey, I could totally draw that" aesthetic, the goofy items, and the surprisingly deep combat and adventure systems. It also is still running to this day, and supports itself with donations.

So what happens when the people who made Kingdom of Loathing go and make an actual game that you can buy for real money? You get West of Loathing of course! Because apparently Western games are all the rage (or about to be, see the upcoming Red Dead Redemption 2 and Wild West Online titles), the fine folks at Asymmetric Games put out their spin on the genre, combining the wit of Kingdom of Loathing, with a wild send up of Western tropes and cliches. From the Options menu, you know this is going to be one of THOSE games. As you can see, the aesthetic is a black and white, hand sketched stick-figure style of art and yet it has a color-blind mode option, with the tool tip of "You never know". That is exactly the kind of game you are going to get, so saddle up, you are in for a bumpy ride.

You start off in your hastily sketched home dreaming of being one of three classes: The Muscle based Cow Puncher, all about melee combat and, well, punching cows, The Mysticality based Beanslinger, who uses bean based magic to smite his or her foes, and my personal favorite, the Moxie based Snake Oiler, using the power of snakes to poison and slither through the world. There are three other stats, Guts, Gumption, and Glamour which add various secondary bonuses and also determine your Liver, Spleen, and Stomach capacity, which determines the number of Booze, Potion, or Food items you can consume for bonuses each game day. Yes, you heard right, you throw back Booze to gain stat buffs. I love this game for that. 

Anyway, after saying goodbye to your family and moseying through the credits, you end up in the town of Boring Springs, after the semi-cataclysmic event When the Cows Came Home. Did I mention there were demonic cows? Yeah, that's a thing. Your goal here is to get to Dirtwater, but you'll need a horse to do it. And thus you start going through the various starter quests where you will get your hat, your horse, and your helper. The hat is based on your class, there are 4 horses, and 4 potential helpers to acquire, though you can only have one of each. There's even an optional "Hard Mode" to find. Already there's gonna be some replayability here. The story doesn't change though, but the details...those do change. 

Combat is turn-based and grid-based (ish). You pick an action, your helper picks and action, and then the bad guys do their thing. Wash, rinse, repeat. Sometimes you go first or sometimes the bad guys get the jump on you (based on your Speed). Your class skills usually require Action Points (AP) to work, and most of them don't use up your turn to use, though attacks always do. My Snake Oiler was able to buff himself pretty high before letting loose a fan of bullets which pretty much murders any single target. Items can be used in combat and using them doesn't generally take up your turn either, so you could, for example, heave a giant pile of dynamite at a foe before you officially "attack" it. Some skills work on the grid, such as "hitting a line" and the like, but the grid interaction is pretty weak.
Experience points are earned for fighting, conversations, interactions, quests, and lots of other things. These points are spent to boost your stats and your skills. The game also has an option for automatic expenditure of points, or you can always divvy them up yourself. I tend to go with "autopick" for a first play through, but you do you man. The skills are all appropriately themed: The Cow Puncher has a buffing skill called "Beef Up", whose icon is a picture of a steak. The Snake Oiler has a skill called Snake Whip, where you literally whip an enemy with a snake. The Beanslinger slings Lava Favas, which explode. There are elemental damage types lifted wholly from Kingdom of Loathing: Hot, Stench, Spooky, Cold, and Sleaze. That's right, you too can inflict Stench damage if you so choose.  

Poke around everywhere to see what you can do, because many things are interactable. There are numerous puzzles to solve, some fetch type quests, and so on. Most are pretty straightforward, but there are a few tougher puzzles that may require some additional thought. Nothing is a real brain buster though. This ain't West of Professor Layton after all. There are lots of optional things, and you CAN absolutely screw up a few bits permanently. Still, nothing you do will cause you to lose the game or get so stuck as to be unable to complete the content. Just lots of sidequests you may or may not complete. There are even multiple ways to get through the main quest, though a primary path is always suggested to you. 

All in all, my romp through the West of Loathing has been an enjoyable one, but there are a few things that aren't great. For one, you can't get through every single option in one playthrough, which mildly pains the completionist in me. For another, the windowed mode is a bit janky, without a proper "windowed full-screen" mode to make tabbing back and forth to things (like say, a blog post) easier. There is replayability, and yes speed runs are going to be a thing in this game, but a LOT of the content is the same stuff with only slight variations (hilarious though they may be). The art style is definitely a "love it or hate it" kind of thing, as is the humor.

On the FACE Rating System, West of Loathing gets 3 Hat Wearing Smileys. I adore this game and if you love lightweight RPGs that don't take 80 hours to finish (though it may take around 20), this will be right up your alley. The Western theme is glorious, the jokes land well, the combat is surprisingly good, and it has a Stupid Walks option. What more could you ask for? Whiskey, the answer is always whiskey.

Kotas Reviews Ritz Crackers Cheese Sandwiches

It's Christmas time again! Time for toys and time for cheer. We've been...well, not good exactly, but we've not been bad! So clearly it is time to dip back into the Mystery Box for some holiday shenanigans! This go around, I at least have some idea of what the food is supposed to be. Today we look at Ritz Crackers Cheese Sandwiches with...Something.

Now with...I don't even know.

Well, other than the language and the mysterious red objects that I believe are supposed to be the flavoring used, this is a pretty ordinary snack package of Ritz Cheese Crackers. Nothing fancy in the package, just the product, a bit of flair, and the name of the filling in a language I can't understand. I'm sure it's fine. Let's open it up!

Can you feel the Christmas Cheer just radiating from these snacks? No. No you can't.

Yeah, looks like a Ritz Cracker Cheese Sandwich all right. The filling smells mostly of something like processed cheese spread with vaguely fishy overtones. It also has little red flecks in it. The crackers look like Ritz Crackers to no one's surprise. I'm not terribly impressed by any of the visuals of this snack. Perhaps the taste will finally rouse my holiday spirit.

The short answer is, no. It did not. The long answer is that these are definitely cheese crackers with a vague fishy flavor. The cheese filling tastes exactly what I would expect from a generic processed cheese spread, with the strange fish flavors added. It's not super strong, but definitely noticeable to me. It's not bad I guess. Bah Humbug. This just tastes like cheap processed cheese that's been left near some fish too long. Yuck.

On the Holiday FACE Rating System, this gets 1 Frowning Ebeneezer Scrooge. It's a cheese cracker sandwich, with an odd to my palette flavor and not a lot to love. I suppose if you LOVE processed cheese spread AND love fish flavor, you might consider eating these. I'll stick to plain old Ritz, instead. 

Kotas Reviews Calbee

Today we dip back into the Mystery Box for spooky treats from beyond the pale...or at least treats we don't really have in this part of the world. Seems the world over loves crunchy snacks, and this one purports to be...well, why don't we just get started with Calbee...whatever the hell this is.

Canadian Bacon and Asparagus, the Snacking Duo I Never Expected!

Yeah, I don't know what this is. It has a little giraffe person on it that seems cute enough. Honestly, at first I thought this might be some form of instant noodle soup, but then I noticed the picture of the vaguely "hot fry" looking things and dared open it. I tried to glean information from the lid, but to no avail for I am an ignorant soul.

Well, I did learn that I shouldn't microwave it.

Every culture has a different flavor profile for snack food that is generally tailored to either an every day flavor or an exotic one. Of course, such things vary and in this case...ham and asparagus. Not really a flavor I look for when snacking, but hey, I suppose it fits the exotic category for everyone. Let's open this thing up!

Vastly underwhelming.

I can honestly say I was not expecting it to look like someone took Andy's Hot Fries, stripped off the "hot" and replaced it with random flecks of green and red. Still, I am a fan of potato stick type snacks, so how bad could it be? Well let me tell you how bad it can be. First, a positive. These things have tremendous amounts of crunch. Now for the rest of it. These things do, in fact, vaguely taste like asparagus and ham. Old nasty dried up asparagus and slightly off, shriveled up ham. It's not "spit out bad", unlike some other things I've tried, but it isn't the most pleasant of flavors. Thankfully both flavors are pretty muted compared with the overwhelming taste of whatever these things are mostly made of. Corn maybe? It isn't much like other corn snacks. It's not much of anything, yet somehow this overwhelming non-flavor mutes the other flavors so that you don't taste much of them. 
On the FACE Rating System, these get 2 Frowny Faces. I find the mix of flavors to be less than enchanting, but the odd anti-flavor that the sticks themselves have is off putting. Visually, they aren't very appealing, and while they are super duper crunchy, I think I can find a better flavor combination than this sad sack of fail. Not recommended unless you REALLY like old asparagus and ham bits, I guess. Bleah. The good Mystery Box Giveth, the good Mystery Box Taketh Away.

Kotas Reviews Suppaiman! Snacks

Oh, we're in for a real treat in the upcoming weeks. So, one day recently I was getting my mail and I found a package on my doorstep. Since I hadn't ordered anything online recently, particularly anything from JAPAN of all places, my curiosity was piqued. After confirming with my spouse that she hadn't ordered anything, I examined the box. The customs label had the word "gift" written on it, but other then that there was no way of identifying the sender. What was inside this mysterious package? Why, a ton of really weird looking Japanese snack foods. Hold onto your butts, we're in for a bumpy ride. Many thank yous to the anonymous soul who sent me these lovely items. This review is for you! And the rest of you. First up, we have...I don't even know. Welcome to Mystery Box Madness!

Why is there a flower on his chest? Why is anything about this?

Well, from the packaging, I think this is whatever was leftover after a superhero of questionable fashion sense punched a cloud. Or possibly some sort of snack food. My goodness is this thing full of wonder. The mascot (I guess?) is appropriately detailed in a mix of art styles both West and East. I have no idea what most of the text says, but "Suppaiman!" is at least something I can parse, so we're gonna go with that being the title of these snacks. I could be way wrong, given the placement of the word as sort of arcing around the more prominent picture. It is quite striking, that's for sure. 

I have no idea what is in these at all

The only thing I know about this is that it has some sort of snack food inside, in little hollow cylinders. Opening these up hits you with a very strong scent of what I think is corn, but might be wrong, and some other scent I simply cannot identify, but is very strong. Almost vinegary in initial impression, it has lots of something else too. I am baffled.

To me it says "prototype Froot Loops", at least visually.

Well damn if these aren't interesting. The flavor is sweet and sour, with some vinegar and tomato elements. It's actually pretty tasty, and if I had to name the flavor I would say "Ketchup". It's got a bit of zing to it, but not too much, and the corn undertones meld nicely with it, though I think it might be an acquired taste. Maybe not though, since my 3 year old ate two without any issue. Given she's really not into most flavored snacks, that's a pretty solid recommendation. I don't know exactly how you fight crime, Suppaiman, but your snack food is pretty tasty, if weird. 

On the FACE Rating System, Suppaiman! gets 1 smiley face. The packaging is loud and obnoxious, the artwork makes little sense, the snack itself is a little oversized, and the flavor combination is not something I would have picked out, and yet somehow the whole thing hangs together pretty well. If you can ever find these, definitely try them, unless you hate any of the following: corn, ketchup, Anime style artwork. This is gonna be a fun romp!

Kotas Reviews Peppermint Oreos

I absolutely love this time of year. You know that scene in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation with the lights? That isn't comedy, that's a GOAL, son! It's the time of year to jingle your bells, stuff your stocking and deck those halls up good! You know, that sounded less dirty before I typed it all up. Anyway, today we (of COURSE) look at one of TWO different holiday flavored Oreos out this year: Peppermint Oreos! Man there are a lot of Oreos these days.

Truth in advertising.

That right there is the essence of a seasonal flavor. No cutesy artwork, no hiding the actual product on the package, just Peppermint Oreos and a picture of Peppermints, in case you forgot what they looked like. Like all Limited Edition Oreos, this comes in a smaller container than regular Oreos, but costs the exact same. Hrm. Maybe that's how you know you've "made it" as a flavor. They put you in the big package. Lookin' at you Lemon Oreos! 

I am a little miffed about their choice to remove the "easy open seal" thing from the packages of limited edition cookies. It was just so convenient! Also, looking back it seems the weight of the limited edition packages has gone down a couple of ounces in the past year. Maybe it cost too much? What's that Nabisco? You needed to squeeze every possible cent out of these things to make your Quarterly Numbers? Augh, screwed again by Big Cookie. And at Christmas Time! Now, where was I?

Oh, right., the cookies. I made a mutant snowman picture with them!

The scent on these is exactly what I thought a peppermint Oreo should smell like: Oreo cookie, and peppermint. I know you are all bewildered by that staggeringly astute observation, but hey, I'm a simple man with simple needs and desires. I'll tell you this: The cookie part makes this work. Without it, the creme by itself is vaguely toothpaste-ish and kind of off putting, but with the cookie to offset that, it tastes like a minty chocolate cookie. Pretty tasty, really! I think this may work better in the Thin configuration, since there would be less creme to interfere with the cookie crunch. I think they would go splendidly with hot chocolate by the fire, though they aren't really so good with milk, probably because of the whole toothpaste comparison. Also because mint and milk are not flavors that should ever really be together.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 2 smiley faces. A simple, straightforward, snack sensation succinctly summarizing seasonal...uh...well, it falls apart there, but you get the idea. I think these would be great at any holiday gathering, or simply snuggling with loved ones in front of the fireplace. I wouldn't want these every day though, so it is best if they remain an annual treat. I do think these could be confused with the Winter Oreos, which are just Oreos with red coloring and "winter" designs on the cookie. Put these side by side for some delightful Christmas Hilarity! 

Kotas Reviews the Caramel Apple Milky Way

Welcome to a much delayed Day 2 of Caramel Apple Week! Once again we delve into the dark mysteries of the up and coming flavor challenger to the venerable and beloved Pumpkin Spice. Will it survive the marketing push that it is under? Nobody knows, but candy is a good place to get your caramel apple on since for a lot of candy you just have to add apple flavoring. Today we look at one such example: The Caramel Apple Milky Way.

Schmancy!

As a child one of my absolute favorite candy bars was the Milky Way (or Mars Bar as it's known everywhere else in the world). I was going through my "I don't like any kind of nut in any of my candy" phase and the Milky Way provided a nice, peanut free alternative to the otherwise ubiquitous Snickers bar. I have never lost my affection for them, but they tend to be a "fall back" candy when I want something comforting and familiar and not necessarily interesting. How does this one shape up?

The packaging is certainly a step up from the "brown and more brown" of the traditional Milky Way. Red stands out from other candy wrappers in this category nicely, and there's some pleasing art of caramel and apples, together. Let's see how these things look!

More like UnFun Size, amirite?

Yeah, pretty much what I expected. As an aside, why are these tiny bits of candy called "Fun Size"? Was "miniature" not entertaining enough? And seriously, wouldn't it be more fun if it was bigger? In fact, if your goal is to reduce waste these bits are a total failure, probably adding 3 times the wrapper for the same amount of candy as in a regular Milky Way. You know what? I'm rambling. Let's eat them! NOW!

That feeling right there? That's "underwhelming" in a nutshell.

Well...it is definitely a Milky Way. The nougat is a little lighter than in normal Milky Ways, but the flavor is mostly the same, except for a hint of "apple-ish something" that seems very tacked on. It never really gels with the caramel OR the nougat, sort of showing up in the aftertaste more than anything as a reminder that "Oh yeah, these are caramel apple and not regular Milky Ways". It's not bad, but it is nothing particularly special. I wanted to like these, but ultimately I doubt I would notice they were different from regular Milky Ways until after I had eaten some. I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to eat one.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 0 Faces. It's a Milky Way with an apple reference and different packaging. Unless you are a candy wrapper art aficionado, don't bother with this one. However, if you are offered one, there is no reason to turn it down. Unless you hate Milky Ways, of course. 

Kotas Reviews So Delicious Dairy Free Nog Coconut Milk

Welcome to Day 5 of Eggnog Week! One type of product that has always kind of weirded me out is the faux-dairy product. I know a lot of people can't drink milk and such, but soy milk, coconut milk, almond milk, and a whole host of other milks that come from "not cows" to readily seem like they are trying much too hard to be "milk" and not "milk substitute". A black bean burger can be delicious, but if it tries to be too much like a meat burger instead of its own thing, it ends up being a crushing disappointment. With all that in mind, let's look at today's subject.

Hang on folks. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

So Delicious Dairy Free makes a wide variety of coconut and almond milk products that I'm sure you've seen in your local green grocers. This is one of their "holiday" flavors, along with Mint Chocolate and (sigh) Pumpkin Spice. I am not a huge fan of coconut flavor in general, but I do occasionally indulge in an Almond Joy or Samoa here and there. This particular incarnation claims to be "Nog" flavored. This is actually a ready concession to the fact that artificial eggnog tastes a lot like...well, nog, whatever that magical substance may be. But how well will it pair with coconut milk? 

Dun, dun, DUUUUUUUUUUN.

Well, it looks a lot like eggnog to me. Smells faintly of coconut and noggishness, but how bad could it really be? Well, I'll tell you, it can be pretty freakin' terrible. This is drinking coconut milk laced with something almost but not quite entirely unlike eggnog. If you've ever entered a room where all the furniture was moved 1 inch to the left but you didn't know about it, that vague and growing sense of "wrongness" is exactly what I am talking about. It's pretty thin in consistency, but it really doesn't taste like eggnog or even just nog. It tastes like you'd expect vertigo to taste like. Off putting and strange, but not undrinkable I suppose. Coconut milk lovers will be much more inclined to like this, but the weird "faux-faux-nog" flavor is still unsettling.

Because of Science, I threw some rum into this because really, that could only improve the flavor, right? The pina colada is a classic for a reason, right? WRONG. The flavor of the coconut milk, coupled with their version of "nog" completely cancels out the rum flavoring leaving you with a glass of creamy alcoholic nothing. Seriously, it has no flavor at all other than the vagueish hint at generic sweetness. This was even MORE off putting and strange than the stuff by itself! Also, adding booze made it even more awful. How is that even a thing? 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets a well deserved 2 frowny faces. It is drinkable, but it is something I would want to do as fast as possible so I could move on to actual good drinks. If you like coconut milk you might be more inclined to enjoy this, but their particular spin on "nog" is just wrong enough compared to normal nog as to push me off my game. If you've never had eggnog before and like coconut milk, you might like this, but everyone else? No. Just, no.

Kotas Reviews Hershey's Pumpkin Spice Kisses and the Russell Stover Dark Chocolate Red Velvet Pumpkin

Hello everyone! I've been taking a bit of a break recently due to a variety of reasons, but now we're back with...more Halloween stuff. Yeah, I know, Halloween was weeks ago, but the plethora of leftover candy has kept me in a bit of a candy coma for a while. Still, I'm back now, and boy do we have some treats for you. First up, Hershey's Pumpkin Spice Kisses.

Ain't she a beaut?

Hershey's Kisses are one of the best ways to enjoy their rather uniquely American take on chocolate, being big enough to be satisfying, yet small enough not to feel like you are gorging yourself. This combines to let you look wistfully into the empty bag and wonder what exactly just happened. Still, I am generally dubious of anything that goes outside the usual parameter of "chocolate, and nothing else". Let's have a look see!

Very underwhelming, really.

These look less like a traditional Hershey Kiss, and more like the inferior white chocolate cousin, the Hershey Hug. Hugs are, at best, something to eat when you want some candy, but have nothing better. I do not particularly care for white chocolate, and Hugs get no love from me. Then again, maybe this one will be the flavored candy that alters my opinion.

A box without hinges, key or lid, yet inside whitish goo is hid!

Well, they certainly smell pumpkin spicey. Much more spice than pumpkin, yet there is a hint of it. Instead of being a solid candy all the way through, this one is a very soft center coated in a durable waxy shell. The Kiss doesn't lend itself well to this sort of thing usually but in this case, it seems to be fairly well done. The flavor is like eating a bit of heavily spiced gingerbread wax filled with some sort of creamy...something. It is incredibly artificial tasting, but it's not bad if you like nutmeg and gingerbread. There might be the barest hint of pumpkin flavor, but I couldn't find it.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 frowny face. They really aren't terrible or anything, but I would describe them as a good presentation of a terrible recipe. The flavor is not pumpkin, but it is spice...gingerbread spice. The mouth feel is waxy and unappealing. I did enjoy the foil though, and the little paper flag is of the highest quality. Not really recommended except for that rare breed of Hershey Kiss Completionist.

Next up from the bargain bin we have the Russell Stover Red Velvet Dark Chocolate Pumpkin. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? There are a large, LARGE number of different flavored candy pumpkins that Russell Stover produces each year, and this one comes from the veritable wall that my local drug store had for sale.

Look at that face! It just screams "legitimate pumpkin candy".

Russell Stover is what I call a "low tier" chocolate maker. They put out a huge variety of average quality chocolates, along with a cornucopia of themed sweets. They are at their best when you want a lot of different kinds of chocolate confections in one box, for cheap, but their theme items are only fair to middlin' in flavor. Great on price though! Let's see what mysteries await us!

That's not very pumpkin-y. It could just as easily be an ornament shape.

Now it is even less pumpkin than before!

Well, I can't say I'm excited to see this. I am not sure what I was expecting, but this is really just a candy disk with a nub at one end. It could be almost anything, so I suppose pumpkin is as likely as any other vaguely round object with a distinctive appendage. It smells of dark chocolate and...maybe devil's food cake. This is actually an encouragement, since Red Velvet cake is just Devil's Food cake with some food coloring and a good marketing department.

The flavor is, in a phrase "fucking terrible". The chocolate makes a bold attempt at being something worth eating, but it has too much of that cheap, artificial flavor to pull it off. The filling tastes like sand mixed with sugar, paste and suffering. The thing actually crunches as I chew it, as if I were consuming aquarium gravel or possibly ground glass. I managed to choke down half of the thing, and gave the other half to my long suffering wife. She boldly consumed as much as I did, and for that, I owe her. I did not gag though, so I suppose that's a plus.

On the FACE Rating System, this travesty gets 3 frowny faces. Stay the hell away from it, unless you hate yourself. Wash it down with  Bud Light Chelada for that authentic taste of misery and despair. Leftover candy is not all it is cracked up to be, that is for sure!