Kotas Reviews Caramel Apple Pop Tarts

Well, looks like Caramel Apple has joined the general pool of fall seasonal flavors. Hooray I guess? It was the new hot flavor of 2015, and now it's just another mainstream regular. So clearly we had to have it crammed into a Pop Tart. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a gander at Caramel Apple Pop Tarts.

Does this really need "Limited Edition"? No. It does not.

Honestly, I've never seen the big damn deal about Caramel Apples. They are kind of messy, annoying to eat, and the proportion of caramel to apple is never proper unless you serve it up sliced, and slicing one of these things up (as opposed to dipping apple slices in caramel sauce, which is the proper way to do this) is a pain in the ass. But well, here we are. I'll say, they made a bold choice in using a green apple for the decoration, since in food flavor land those are generally considered to be...significantly more tart than a standard red apple. The packaging is otherwise meh, and I don't know why it kind of looks like there is a hint of snowflakes or whatever in the swirly designs. Did you recycle this from your gingerbread Pop Tarts? Le sigh, let's get on with it.

Brown and green. The perfect color for a tasty pastry.

You know, these look mildly unappetizing, what with the toxic waste green drizzle on it. Still, it smells kind of like apples and maybe caramel. Let's crack one open and peer into the drippy, gooey insides!

Oozing is a fair description here.

This is another "flavor striped" version of a Pop Tart, much like their S'mores offering. There's a stripe of obviously "apple" filling and then some beige goo that is clearly supposed to be caramel flavoring. Honestly, the flavor is reasonable for this sort of thing. There is an apple component that is recognizable, but the caramel is weak enough that it's just sort of sugary without context. It mutes the apple-ness, which I think is a problem. These would be a lot better if the whole filling was the apple stuff, and let the caramel notes come from the frosted parts. As it stands it's kind of a muddle in the mouth.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 0 Faces. They are, at best, okay. I will finish the box, but I would probably never pick these over a more standard flavor, even if I was in the mood for something else. Give them a try, because hey, at least they aren't any more expensive than any other Pop Tart.

Kotas Reviews R.W. Knudsen's Caramel Apple Juice

Welcome to another day of Caramel Apple Week! We've been looking at a lot of candy this week, so today we are going down a different path, to one of drinks! Honestly, outside of the milkshake, I didn't think you could make Caramel Apple into a successful drink. It doesn't really pair well with coffee, though I suppose the case could be made for tea. Today's subject however, went in an unexpected direction. Let's take a gander at Caramel Apple Juice.

Limited Edition! It must be good, right?

Seriously, this is a thing that exists. R.W. Knudsen apparently saw fit to dive into the burgeoning caramel apple craze by being the first (and only that I am aware of) company to take sparkling apple juice (loved by teetotalers the world over on New Year's Eve) and combine it with caramel...or at least caramel flavoring.

Non-alcoholic, of course.

 The label is pretty simple, and I like the artwork that has the apples and the caramel together, yet as separate items, rather than the usual "apple covered in caramel" picture. It's a small touch, but a nice one. Perhaps indicative of what is inside? Let's find out.

Rock that jam jar. Rock it hard!

Well, the smell is very weird and off putting. It has a caramel-ish scent, but it is undercut by something else that I can't quite place, but it made my nose wrinkle in fear. Eh, maybe it just takes some getting used to. Let's take a sip! 

Okay, have you ever had something described as a liquid emotion? As in "this tastes like liquid happy" or something like that? Well, this is Liquid Disgust. I swear that of all the flavors one thinks of when tasting caramel apple, SOUR AS FUCK is not what I was expecting. It actually made me wince when I took a big sip, it was so sour. Look, when making caramel apples, it is supposed to be sweet, not like you just brined the apples in essence of Warheads and children's tears. Also, Dat Aftertaste! It is caramel, but caramel made by Evil Keebler Elves or something, because it tastes like the sugared wails of the forsaken. I did manage to finish the glass, but only just. The carbonation was fine.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 3 frowny faces. Seriously, how the hell do you fuck up sparkling apple juice? Apparently by adding caramel flavoring, or using shitty apples to make the juice or something. SOUR! Why is it SOUR? Not recommended, at all. Shame too, as their usual juice is perfectly fine. Just say no to this one.

Kotas Reviews Caramel Apple Laffy Taffy

Caramel Apple Week continues with...taffy! Taffy is a confection that one sees but rarely outside of tourist traps and any place the purports to do things "the old fashioned way"...by being a tourist trap. Still, it is a candy style that I greatly enjoy and if any candy type would pair well with a caramel apple flavor, it's taffy. But, does it actually work? Ladies, gentleman, children of all ages, today we examine Caramel Apple Laffy Taffy.

Created in a time when misspelling words was kewl.

Laffy Taffy is about the only mass market brand of taffy to exist in stores today that is actually referred to as taffy. Starburst candies are also technically a taffy, but no one seems to realize that, so I will ignore it for now. Taffy pops up in several regional shops, but it was never really a staple of the candy aisle...with the Laffy Taffy exception. Personally, I love the stuff. It is probably the finest brand of edible plastic you can buy and it comes in a variety of yummy flavors. Yes, even the banana flavor. Plus, it's brightly colored! Well, let's see how they do on the caramel apple front. The packaging is...okay, clearly going with a "green apple" motif which is at odds with the stereotypical caramel apple, but whatever. Nothing to write home about. Let's crack these open!

Well, it's...brown.

Laffy Taffy used to come in wax paper squares, rather than the plastic sealed rectangles it arrives in today. Why is this even a thing? Well, you see, this particular formulation is really hard to get out of the package unscathed. Hell, if it gets even slightly warm from, say, holding it in your hand, it can become nigh impossible to get out of the package in anything resembling one piece. I actually had to throw away half of a piece of the stuff simply because I couldn't get the wrapper off. I never had this problem with other flavors, nor with the old wax paper, so I chalk it up to this formulation being extra sticky. You may now make your jokes. 

Speaking of jokes, the central conceit of Laffy Taffy is that it has jokes printed on the wrappers. These jokes are generally submitted by children, and the quality varies from "Dad Joke" to "You should Never be allowed to write Humor again." For example: "What goes to the top of a haunted house? Mon-Stairs!". And this particular gem: "What October holiday do dogs celebrate?" "Bow-wow-ween". I mean, COME ON. The obvious pun there is Howl-o-ween, but nooooooo....we had to go with something nonsensical. This is what happens when you let the public submit content folks. (Full disclosure: that last joke was submitted to me by a former co-worker from HIS piece of Laffy Taffy. You know who you are.)

The scent is heavily on the caramel side, as is the color. So why the HELL is the only real flavor that of an apple? And not even a sour apple, but a regular old apple...well, artificial apple flavoring anyway. Seriously, this stuff is pretty much all apple, all the time in flavor, which is totally at odds with the color and scent. Just...what? 

That's like, three times now that candy makers have messed up a combination flavor in some fashion! How hard is this to do? You put your caramel stuff here, you add some apple there, you add some color there, and you shake it all about. You put them both together and you have caramel apple, This Isn't Exactly Toooooough! Seriously folks, I could take a Kraft Caramel and eat it with Red Apple Jelly Bellies and it would be way more Caramel Apple than this candy is by itself. Not a bad apple flavor though. Way better than most artificial apple flavored things.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 1 frowny face. The actual apple flavor isn't bad, but the disconnect between scent, aesthetics and taste is jarring, especially since I was expecting the apple to be sour apple and not standard apple. Plus, the formula makes unwrapping this much more difficult than it should be. This is definitely in the "eat if offered, don't bother trying to buy" category. At least, if you can get the damn wrapper off.

Kotas Reviews Caramel Apple Twizzlers

Ah, Halloween, when we finally get a holiday that is solely about dressing up in spooky costumes in an effort to extort candy from those we once called "neighbors". How delightfully evil it all is! It is also a season for remembering treats from years gone by, even if you never actually had those treats as a kid. That's why this week is CARAMEL APPLE WEEK!

That's right, the treat that no one ever actually gets at Halloween is this season's Pumpkin Spice, in that I'm seeing Caramel Apple everything popping up. Sure, we had some examples from last year, but this year it has really gotten out of hand. With that in mind, we turn to our first subject, the legendary Caramel Apple Twizzler.

King Size, because you are my fans, and want me to suffer.

It is no secret that my red licorice twist of choice is the humble Twizzler. Only vaguely fruit flavored, it is the finest plastic treat that one can sink one's teeth into. There is just something particularly satisfying about biting into a Twizzler that is hard to explain. Also, if you bite the ends off you can use one as a makeshift straw! A terrible, terrible straw. So...how do these babies hold up?

Kang and Kodos would be proud of these candies. 

Well, they smell vaguely like caramel in some way. The sickly green color is supposed to represent a Granny Smith apple maybe? Or a Sour Apple flavoring? Seriously, was red not good enough here? There is something apple-ish about their odor, so I guess that is on theme. Maybe. Also, the goo inside oozes out a bit when you squeeze the end, which is sort of spooky. Maybe. Let's take a bite.

Oh God, what have I done? Seriously, this is all the worst parts of candy ever conceived and rolled up into terror. There is nothing apple here, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. In fact, if anyone says "Yeah, that's sort of like an apple" they are clearly evil space zombie communist vampire werewolves and need to be driven from their space enclaves. Seriously, fuck this flavor. The so called caramel fairs a little better, in that it is caramel in the same way a Sugar Baby is caramel...if that baby was barfing at the time. WHY IS IT GRITTY? When will manufacturers learn that GRITTY IS NOT A THING? The combination of both of these fucking terrible flavors is as nauseating as it is offensive to the mind. Come on Hershey's (the parent company of Twizzlers). Did someone put you up to this? DID THEY? STOP RUINING THINGS I LIKE. I ate two. I threw the rest out. I NEVER DO THIS.

On the FACE Rating System these get a Damning FOUR frownie faces, because seriously, fuck this shit, fuck the factory it was made it, and to hell with the person who thought this would be a good idea. If I never see another package of this travesty again, it'll be too soon. No one should eat this. DOGS should not eat this. I wouldn't wish these on prisoners. GAAAAAAAAAAH.