Monday, February 26, 2018

Kotas Reviews Sweet Heat Starburst

Sometimes a food trend comes along and is just something I don't understand. Sriracha sauce is fine and all, but did it need to be in almost everything? Probably not. Then there are food trends that I both don't understand and are stupid from the get go. Ugh, let's get this over with. Ladies and gentlemen, today we look at Sweet Heat Starburst.

Behold the agent of your downfall.
 Who the fuck asked for this shit, eh? As I've stated before, just adding 'hot' to something does not make it more interesting or fun. It just makes it hot. Well, not everything needs to be hot, damn it! I have to wonder who on the executive board of Wrigley said "Oh man, I love Starburst, but imagine if I could burn the shit out of my mouth while enjoying their juicy fruit flavor! That would be great!" Well, not only did that person NOT get dragged screaming out of a board meeting in a straight jacket, they apparently got put into the position of New Product Design! LOOK AT THIS! It's BLACK PACKAGING for shit's sake! Let's rip it open.

Not pictured: My everlasting hatred.
I have to admit, at least the wrappers for the individual taffy bits have little flames on them, to warn you away from trying them. They all have clever names like "Flaming Orange" or "Fiery Watermelon", none of which really make any damn sense in the context of "juice fruit flavors". How do they taste? Well, they taste like Starburst, and then they taste like burning. At least the flavor has the decency to put the heat after the fruit (however THAT happened). The fruit flavors are fine, but the hot adds NOTHING to them and in fact detracts most harshly from their taste. I ate one of each flavor, just to see, and I will not be touching these again. Fuck off, candy spawn of Mephisto!

On the FACE Rating System, these get 2 Frowny Faces. I guess if you like fruit that is immediately followed by agony, maybe you'd like this. Me? I hate it. It's an insult to candy lovers everywhere, and I swear it was made as a joke just to piss people off. Why would anyone have thought this was a good idea? I may never know. Stay away!

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Kotas Reviews Chocolate Hazelnut Oreos

Hola Amigos! Now that Winter is slowly (or not so slowly, amirite?) leaving us, time to get back to what we do best: Eat new flavors from Nabisco. I don't know about the rest of you, but Hazelnut and Chocolate are two flavors that pair extremely well together. From Ferrero Rocher to Nutella, people have been obsessing about this combination in "semi-fancy" treats for decades. Well, Nabisco just had to horn in on that action, eh? Of course it did. Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a gander at Chocolate Hazelnut Oreos.

Legally distinct from Nutella!
Image Source:
Honestly, I love the taste of chocolate hazelnut things and Nutella has always been my favorite way to ingest it. I dip fruit in it, smear it on cupcakes, or just plain bread and make a sandwich out of it. Mixes well with peanut butter too! It's damn tasty is what I'm saying. Naturally, I saw these Oreos and was all "Hot diggity dawg, I bet these are amazing!" Anycrap, the packaging is bog standard for limited edition Oreos at this point. Nothing outstanding, but nothing terrible either. I'm sort of surprised they went with the vanilla Oreo on this one, but I guess I kind of get it. Chocolate on chocolate might be a little overwhelming. Let's see how they look!

Yup, that's a chocolate looking Oreo all right.
Well, they smell very Chocolate Hazelnut, that's for sure. The vanilla from the cookie though is much more noticeable than I would have thought. So, how does it taste? Kind of disappointing. It's certainly chocolate hazelnut, but the vanilla in the cookie really mutes the flavor and makes it taste a lot less strongly that I would expect. It's good, but not nearly as good as I would have thought. I feel that the chocolate cookie, as counter intuitive as it might seem, would have been the better choice. The extra bit of bitterness from the chocolate cookie would enhance the hazelnut part instead of mostly drowning it out. The cream itself is a little less chocolatey than I would like as well, though if I mash two cookies together in some sort of Double-Stuf nightmare, that tasted about right. 

On the FACE Rating System, I give these 1 Smiley Face. Pretty good, but not quite as good as I would have hoped. Still, it's not bad, and I'd eat them again. If you don't like Hazelnut, these have nothing to offer you, and if you don't mind a strong vanilla overtone, these may be right up your alley. Grab some and see for yourself!

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Kotas Reviews Hot and Spicy Cinnamon Oreos

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! A time when marketing moguls have convinced us all that there is exactly ONE day a year during which we can really show our love for a significant other, and the best way to express that love is with a stuffed bear emblazoned with a heart. Also with candy. Because always candy. So of course Nabisco is gonna try and horn in on that sweet sweet Valentine's money, right? Right! Today we're looking at Hot and Spicy Cinnamon Oreos.

Made with love...and pain.
Well, I'm pretty sure no one ever asked for this and yet, here it is. This Limited Edition wonder sports a jaunty heart theme, made up of Legally Distinct Cinnamon Candy From Red Hots, and a picture of the Oreo itself. Red is nature's warning color folks! Seriously though, it is a remarkably nice piece of packaging for conveying what kind of cookie you are getting yourself into. Let's tear it open and see what's inside.

You know you wanna. Come oooooooon.
Well, they certainly smell like cinnamon Oreos. There is no hint of trickery or tomfoolery with these. It just lays it out there, and you can take it or leave it as you wish. Would that all businesses were as upfront with their wares as Nabisco has been lately. But, ultimately, the truth is in the tasting. Let's eat!

Yup, this is exactly what I would expect if you took Red Hots, ground them into paste, mixed them with a little bit of Oreo filling, and put it in a cookie. A bit underwhelming really. I appreciate the fact that the cinnamon burn is muted, but the flavor itself is very meh. It's cinnamon yes, but 'nuthin' but cinnamon' just isn't that great a flavor to start with, and who would mix it with Chocolate of all things? Chocolate and Cinnamon generally do not go all that well together in my opinion, so this cookie is just a solution looking for a problem. For a Valentine's Day special, you sure are unloved Cinnamon Oreo. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 1 Frownie Face. It certainly is exactly what it says on the tin, er package, but what it is just isn't very good. It's not bad, it's just something I never wanted. The fact that I've now tried it only affirms my original conclusion of "no one would want that". If you really like Red Hots, maybe this might be for you. But really, outside of that very particular fetish, stay away. Go find a bear to hug.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Kotas Reviews Doritos BLAZE

Well well, another Superb Owl come and gone. Our household spent the noble affair...not watching the game, as illness has swept through House Kotas. Still, I heard some birds won, and that's good for birds everywhere, right? Right! Still, you ain't here for my pathetic attempts to talk about sports ball. There was, however, a snack brought to prominence by a relatively high budget ad, starting a certain Peter Dinklage of Game of Thrones and Knights of Badassdom fame. So strap on your flame retardant clothing, it's time for us to take a look at Doritos Blaze.

And the dragon comes in the NIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Okay, I sort of love the art on the bag, which I feel would be best served airbrushed onto the side of a van. There is a tortilla chip, coated in red dust, ON FIRE, with vague Steve Ditko background elements that convey...weird. It's weird and I love it. Still, it's not the outside that counts, but what lies within! Let's crack it open.

This is less rad than I thought it would be, given the bag art.
Well, they are definitely the same as on the package. Tortilla chips coated in the angriest looking Mars Red flavor dust I've ever seen. The scent is at once burning, but cloying, with a hint of spicy goodness and various other seasonings I can't place. Let's eat! HOLY JEEZ those are spicy! Now, they aren't nearly as mouth destroying as certain other things I've reviewed, but they will clear the old sinus cavities and the burn lingers a bit. However, they ALSO have an amazing hot salsa type flavor that does exactly what I would hope all really spicy foods do: Hit you hard with the flavor, and THEN let you feel the burn. And what a burn! These chips do not fuck around...but I found myself happily chomping them down. The flavor is intense and the burn is really, really hot. But not unbearably hot. Why, I didn't even need milk after this! Nice job walking that line of flavor to burn ratio Frito-Lay.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 2 Smiley Faces. I certainly wouldn't want them all the time because the consequences of that would be...well, very burny, but if I really want some super spicy flavor filled Doritos, these are my go to pick. If you like really spicy food, you owe yourself a bag of these. If you don't like spicy food though, avoid these, because the name isn't a lie.