Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Kotas Reviews Scotch in a Can

Summer is a time for hanging out on the porch, sitting around with your friends, and may partaking of the occasional adult beverage to wash your cares away. But sometimes you want something a little fancy, but not TOO fancy if you know what I mean. Sitting on the porch with people in flip flops doesn't exactly say "sophisticated drinker". So, what do you do if you'd love some, say, Bowmore 25, but just aren't classy enough? Well, have I got a beverage for you. Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you Scottish Spirits Single Grain 3 Year Scotch Whiskey...

Yes, this is a real thing and does exist. It was Memorial Day when I brought this out to liven up an already spirited porch discussion of board games. The more savvy drinkers were, ahem, somewhat aghast at the very existence of such a thing, but this ain't my first time drinking booze from a can. Naturally, it was decided collectively that the only way to truly experience this was in the form of shots. So yeah, it's Scotch in a Can, and the label is...well, fine, I guess. I mean, at least it doesn't say Victory Scotch on it, right? Oh, and it has a little rubberish cap cover so you can "save" any leftover scotch in the can without having to try and transfer it to a flask, decanter, or the sink drain. Neat, eh? Let's drink up!

In the Harvard shot glass, because I'm fucking classy.
You know, I was actually pleasantly surprised by this Scotch. For one thing, it did not taste like turpentine, or distilled sadness. For another, while I wouldn't call it good, it was very distinctly Not Bad. At $6 can, or roughly 10 shots, I wasn't expecting much, but I certainly wasn't expecting it to be drinkable, let alone "not bad". I'm sure a real Scotch aficionado would have terrible things to say about it, but it was relatively smooth, and the flavor was okay. This is way better than I was expecting, and several at my table shared that opinion. To be fair though, we'd already had a few rounds by this point, so your mileage may vary.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 1 Smiley Face. It was way better than I expected, and certainly has enough novelty factor for me to bring a can or two to outings so I can force encourage others to join me in this particular brand of dumpster drink diving. It will NOT however open you up to the wide wondrous world of Scotch Tasting. It does not really pretend to be more than it is, and for that, it has my respect. Give it a whirl!

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Kotas Reviews Jelly Donut Oreos

National Doughnut Day has come and gone. Ostensibly a holiday to celebrate the glory of the humble doughnut, it's really just a marketing scheme cooked up to push delicious fried dough treats into your food hole by several corporate entities who seek to make a profit off of doughnut awareness. What better way to celebrate than a corporate entity producing a shameless cash in variant of its signature product? Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Jelly Donut Oreos.

Sure, why the fuck not.
Honestly? I'm not a huge fan of jelly doughnuts. This is not to say that filled doughnuts aren't enjoyable, but the jelly filling used in most commercial doughnuts is less like jelly and more like a robot's version of what it think jelly should taste like, soullessly extruded from various nozzles to satisfy its cruel human masters. They are okay, is what I'm saying. Still, I can honestly say I've never felt the need for a cookie version of this, even if my beloved Oreos are so desperately trying to make me love them by including a doughnut flavor. I mean, their Cinnamon Bun Oreos were pretty tasty, so maybe pastry lightning can strike twice? Let's find out!

That's lookin' real good there Lou.
The packaging is nice, though I wonder at the efficacy of specifically pointing out the "jelly flavored center", when it is plainly obvious what it is supposed to be. The scent is vaguely chemically flavored sugar-ish, with an unrecognizable yet still "berry-ish" overtone. Honestly, I'm not that impressed with the look of these things. I don't know what they were going for, but what they got was "Golden Oreo that someone used to stop the bleeding from a shaving cut", and that's not super appetizing. Seriously, this is some lazy ass shit right here. Take Golden Oreo, drip a few drops of "jelly essence" into it, and bam, charge $2 extra for the privilege.

The flavor is a forsaken wasteland of "meh". Basically, it tastes like it looks: Like a Golden Oreo that someone dripped a melted Jolly Rancher on, and oh man is this flavor not good. It's not poison, and I didn't gag. It's not even "okay". The package sits untouched by me or my spouse for over a week. Even my kid has only asked for one, though it may just be she forgets they are there. I don't care for Golden Oreos much anyway, because the "vanilla" cookie just doesn't have the same robustness of the chocolate, and the vanilla creme really needs a contrast, not a compliment to work. This is all of that with some shitty jelly-esque nonsense on top. What a waste of everyone's time.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 2 Frownie faces. A meh cookie with a lazy gimmick that sucks leads to much disappointment. There is nothing doughnut like about it anyway. Unless you feel like eating someone's mistake, stay the hell away from these and get some actual good cookies.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Kotas Reviews Twinkies Ice Cream Cones

Ah, the glory and menace of Summer is finally starting to beat down upon us! June is traditionally the start of the "summer season", even if it isn't the official calendar start, and that's okay. I'm more into the pop culture of summer than being a super stickler about dates and whatnot. After all, we live in a time of "Christmas in July" as being a thing, so the rules are clearly very flexible. Anyway, I'm not here to talk about that, but instead a sweet treat to beat the heat. Ladies, Gentlemen, and I dunno, Lizardfolk, let's take a gander at the Twinkies Ice Cream Cone.

When life gives you lemons, throw them away and eat ice cream!
I can hear the complaints now. "Didn't you already review this?" In response, I say, "No. Because Ice Cream Treats are distinctly different from plain ice cream". And I would be correct. So, here we are. Premade Ice Cream Cones, such as the venerable Drumstick, have been around since, well, 1928, and have been a staple of the freezer aisle for a long time. The only other version of this I have seen is the Nutty Buddy, currently produced by Purity Dairy, and the Twinkies Ice Cream Cone is a very close match to both the packaging and overall shape. Fun fact: Nutty Buddy Ice Cream Cones share a name with a Little Debbie snack cake and a brand of athletic cup! The more you know!

Protect me, cone!
Yeah, this thing pretty much looks like a Twinkie themed Nutty Buddy. The packaging is spot on with the Twinkie theme though, and that is always something I can appreciate. Opening this took me back to my grade school days when having enough pocket money to purchase a Nutty Buddy from the school cafeteria made those last few days of school extra less terrible. Well, let's rip it open!

That's a lot more yellow than I was expecting, really.
You know, this thing looks kind of odd. The ice cream (and its attendant soft cake...uh, sprinkles? Bits? Cake bits.) is almost perfectly shaped and formed into that "just squeezed from a decorating bag" swoosh. The chemical smell is fairly obvious, way more so than in the pint of Twinkies ice cream. The flavor...well, the flavor is certainly there. The very yellow parts are very sweet, with some of the birthday cake ice cream flavoring as the pint version, but they have an extra...gummy quality that isn't bad, but has a very Not Ice Cream mouth feel. The chemical notes are very pronounced, and the cake bits are larger and way more obvious than in the pint. It's not a bad flavor, but it is a strange one that makes you ask the question "did I accidentally eat some sort of decorative fondant instead of ice cream?" Once you get through that, though, it appears the stuff below it is just Twinkies Ice Cream, which means it is quite good. The cone itself is on par with a Drumstick cone, right down to the tip of the cone being filled with chocolate. All around, pretty tasty. 

On the FACE Rating System, these cones get 1 Smiley Face. As a Frozen Confection, they hold up pretty well, tasting pleasant if a little too artificial and gummy in places. The price of this particular treat keeps it to a "sometimes" food, and I would definitely recommend the straight ice cream over this version any day of the week. Still, I recommend going out and trying them if you like ice cream cones but hate actually putting them together. Welcome to Summer folks, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!