Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Kotas Reviews Blueberry Pie Oreos

I wish I could quit you Nabisco. You've done me some bad turns in the past, and you think that simply by coming out with new flavors you can win me back? Well, I'm not falling for it this time! I know your tricks! You took away my beloved Easy Open package, and you've constantly reduced the size of the Limited Edition packages in a naked grab for more money. Not this time! A Line Must Be Drawn! Wait, you did Blueberry Pie? I knew you'd changed! Let's take a look at...Blueberry Pie Oreos!

You DO Care!
Well, you all knew this was gonna happen. As soon as they come out with something reasonably interesting, all the sins of the past are forgotten. I've always loved pie, in its myriad of forms both savory and sweet, portable and plate worthy. I suppose that pie flavors were inevitable really, though I wonder what separates these from simple Blueberry Oreos. The packaging though is fantastic, with a big succulent pie just letting it all hang out for you. I guess there is also a picture of the cookie. Let's open this sucker up!

Definitely blueberry colored.
Not a lot of surprises here. I still shake a fist at the loss of my easy open packaging (which weirdly returned a few flavors ago but is gone again, like my dreams of wearing size 38 pants), but the cookies themselves? Solid. The cookie itself is the vanilla type, and the creame inside is nicely purplish blue, almost like an actual blueberry was smashed in there. Passes the twist off test with flying colors. But how about that taste test?

Ya know? It's pretty darn good! Nice artificial blueberry flavor, and the vanilla cookie pairs well with it. Pretty nom worthy if you like blueberry stuff that is made in a factory. It's not very pie-like, but I suppose we do what we can. 

On the FACE Rating System, these get one Smiley face. Tasty if you like artificial blueberry, but I'm not going out of my way to buy them in bulk, not at that price. A lot of these limited edition cookies just aren't good enough to justify their price, even if they are pretty tasty. Definitely try, but only stock up if you catch them on sale. Or if you don't mind a lack of pie in your blueberry pie cookie.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Kotas Reviews Alouette Wasabi Cheddar

Occasionally my long suffering wife decides to bring me home a "surprise" from the grocery store, because she a) wants to try it and b) wants me to try it if it is bad. Plus, I can usually get a review out of it. Less often is the surprise actually something surprising, because I can kind of predict when something wacky is up my alley. Other times, I am just baffled. Today is that kind of day. Let's take a look at...this.

Seriously, when did "unique flavorings" boil down to "cram things together that shouldn't be crammed"? I have NEVER in my life thought that cheddar cheese fans, let alone spreadable cheddar cheese fans, would pair their cheese of choice with WASABI of all things. Still, spicy and cheese pair well together, though maybe not cheddar? I don't know. Still, it's cheese, and not only that, it's spreadable cheese! Which is but a step or two away from "food product" being added at the end. Let's take a peek.

With pretzel thin for scale
Well, it's certainly green. Usually when I open cheese, green is a bad color, but I suppose if we're going with the wasabi theme, the light green is fine. The scent it gives off is vaguely wasabi-esque, without much cheese odor, and literally nothing that says to my nose "cheddar". Oh well, at least it's green I guess? I will note, I did taste this with pretzel thins, so you may get a slightly different flavor profile for your own tastings.

It is way less spicy than I expected it to be. The fake wasabi at sushi bars is way, WAY spicier than this stuff, though it does have a slight tingle after multiple bites. It's a decent flavor, but the cheddar part is very mild. This could be any old spreadable cheese and I wouldn't know better. It has little kick, but you DO taste the wasabi bits even without much burn. Not bad, but not good. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 0 faces. It's fine, but I would probably pass over this on subsequent grocery trips. I absolutely wouldn't call it "Bold", other than maybe the fact that it exists at all. Try it if you like, or don't. It's very "meh".

Monday, June 20, 2016

Kotas Reviews Kola Champagne Soda

Ah, Summer. A time when cool refreshing beverages are the weapon of choice to combat dehydration and soul crushing grind of yard work. Now, we in the good old U.S. of A. love our sugary sodas and other completely unnecessarily calorie laden drinks, but sometimes ya gotta see how the rest of the world lives. Ladies and gentleman, let's take a look at...Kola.

It must be good, it says so on the can!
Well, that's a very colorful can. This particular edition hails from...I have no idea, but it is popular in Puerto Rico and Jamaica, so that would explain the little palm tree icon. The artwork is very much on the kitsch side of the equation, in stark contrast to the mostly "single color with details" themes that most domestic soda brands sport. Also, the sugar. This little 12 ouncer packs 250 calories into it. Contrast that with Coca-Cola, which clocks in at 130 for 12 ounces, and I think my pancreas is trying to escape my abdomen in fear. Let's crack it open!

Beware the Jabberwock my son. Or maybe just this soda.
Well, it looks like a soda, but it smells like a Bubble Yum factory exploded next to a cotton candy storage warehouse. Ye gods this is sickly sweet smelling, and the taste...my goodness the taste is like eating 15 pieces of Hubba Bubba that have been melted down in a spoon over a Zippo flame. It is syrupy and cloying, overwhelmingly bubblegum-esque and nauseatingly sugary. Once your tongue numbs out to some of the sweetness it becomes sorta drinkable, but it is gag worthy on that initial hit, and the lingering aftertaste has you belching up Bubble Tape essence all day. 

On the FACE Rating System, this rates at 3 frowny faces. It is just simply awful, and even if you LIKE bubblegum flavoring, this is far, FAR too much. Stay away, unless you are the type of person who has to drink the Beverly at the Coke Museum "because". Sadly, I am one of those people. Let my suffering serve as a warning to others.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Kotas Reviews Coffee Nut Peanut M&Ms

Hola peeps. Been a while since I rapped at ya. I fell on some tough (well, mildly inconvenient) times recently, but we're back in the saddle and raring to go! Just in time for the summer! Is it Fall yet? Let's get this over with, here's our look at Coffee Nut Peanut M&Ms.

Why the hell does this exist?
Coffee and Chocolate go together like mocha and latte. They compliment each other very well, and each brings something to the table that accentuates subdued elements in the other without overwhelming the good parts of each. I often think of it as the best of both worlds, really. So why the fuck would I want to throw a peanut in there? And really, "Coffee Nut"? It's coffee berry or coffee bean, not coffee nut. This is just bizarre to me. Were you really running that thin on "nut" flavors? Ugh. Let's rip it open.

Brown, More Different Brown, and "Cream". Fan-fucking-tastic.
This color palette is almost as bad as the Honey Nut one. At least it stays mostly on theme. Coffee simply doesn't have that many ranges of color, so I'll forgive them...sort of. Let's eat a few and be disappointed.

You know, I'm a stubborn man, but I can admit when I was wrong. These are actually fairly tasty, to my surprise. The coffee adds a bit to the chocolate and the peanut, while there, doesn't get in the way too much. Not bad, Mars, not bad at all! Not great, but not bad. Of course, I love coffee, so I am more inclined to eat these than others might be. 

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 smiley face. I like them a bit better than regular Peanut M&Ms, but I am not going out of my way to get them over non-Peanut M&Ms. Give 'em a whirl if you love Peanut M&Ms and Coffee. Not the pairing I would have chosen, but it does work fairly well.