Kotas Reviews Caramel Apple Twizzlers

Ah, Halloween, when we finally get a holiday that is solely about dressing up in spooky costumes in an effort to extort candy from those we once called "neighbors". How delightfully evil it all is! It is also a season for remembering treats from years gone by, even if you never actually had those treats as a kid. That's why this week is CARAMEL APPLE WEEK!

That's right, the treat that no one ever actually gets at Halloween is this season's Pumpkin Spice, in that I'm seeing Caramel Apple everything popping up. Sure, we had some examples from last year, but this year it has really gotten out of hand. With that in mind, we turn to our first subject, the legendary Caramel Apple Twizzler.

King Size, because you are my fans, and want me to suffer.

It is no secret that my red licorice twist of choice is the humble Twizzler. Only vaguely fruit flavored, it is the finest plastic treat that one can sink one's teeth into. There is just something particularly satisfying about biting into a Twizzler that is hard to explain. Also, if you bite the ends off you can use one as a makeshift straw! A terrible, terrible straw. So...how do these babies hold up?

Kang and Kodos would be proud of these candies. 

Well, they smell vaguely like caramel in some way. The sickly green color is supposed to represent a Granny Smith apple maybe? Or a Sour Apple flavoring? Seriously, was red not good enough here? There is something apple-ish about their odor, so I guess that is on theme. Maybe. Also, the goo inside oozes out a bit when you squeeze the end, which is sort of spooky. Maybe. Let's take a bite.

Oh God, what have I done? Seriously, this is all the worst parts of candy ever conceived and rolled up into terror. There is nothing apple here, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. In fact, if anyone says "Yeah, that's sort of like an apple" they are clearly evil space zombie communist vampire werewolves and need to be driven from their space enclaves. Seriously, fuck this flavor. The so called caramel fairs a little better, in that it is caramel in the same way a Sugar Baby is caramel...if that baby was barfing at the time. WHY IS IT GRITTY? When will manufacturers learn that GRITTY IS NOT A THING? The combination of both of these fucking terrible flavors is as nauseating as it is offensive to the mind. Come on Hershey's (the parent company of Twizzlers). Did someone put you up to this? DID THEY? STOP RUINING THINGS I LIKE. I ate two. I threw the rest out. I NEVER DO THIS.

On the FACE Rating System these get a Damning FOUR frownie faces, because seriously, fuck this shit, fuck the factory it was made it, and to hell with the person who thought this would be a good idea. If I never see another package of this travesty again, it'll be too soon. No one should eat this. DOGS should not eat this. I wouldn't wish these on prisoners. GAAAAAAAAAAH.