Kotas Reviews Doritos Flamas

Every now and again I get a taste for spicy snacks. While it isn't a constant thing, sometimes I just need to make sure my sinuses are empty and my palette is a little scorched, just to bring everything back into focus. Not every spicy snack will do, though. I like my spicy snacks with a really solid flavor and a good amount, but not too much, spice. Lucky for me, there seem to be a ton of options that meet this requirement. Here's one now! Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a look at Doritos Flamas!

This packaging isn't confused at all. No siree.

The gas station is a magical wonderland of weird food. Limited edition stuff, re-releases, and in my local area (and lots of other local areas I've been to) a plethora of snacks from South of the Border. Many of which are super good and/or super weird. In this case, it's Doritos Flamas, a lovely treat that sums up America's view on all snacks Mexican as being "chili lime", which admittedly a LOT of them are flavored with this combo. So, I guess I'm an international critic now? The Mystery Box says yes. OBEY! Ahem, anyway...let's take a gander at these.

Bold, red, and made of terror! And lime! Lime terror?

They are suuuuuper red. Nature's warning color red. Finger staining red. Did I mention they were red? Well, they are. But not a consistent red. The Flavor Dust here is super unreliable in concentration, as the yellow chip shows through randomly on some chips, and "not at all" on others. The scent is incredibly strong with both chili and amazingly chemical-ish lime notes, along with a hint of just "hot", which is totally a scent. I've had similar flavorings before, from a brand called "Taki", which weren't my favorite, but hey, what could it hurt? Let's eat!

Well, these are certainly spicy, but what I can't say is that they have no flavor to go along with that spice. Holy crap, the LIME. It just saturates every bite and, coupled with the chili and a weird chemical taste is just BIZARRE on the tongue. Personally, I find whatever artificial lime flavor they use on tortilla chips to be somewhat unpleasant, and this flavoring is no exception. It's just so fake and chemical tasting! In addition, it almost but not quite COMPLETELY overwhelms any of the other flavors, except of course "hot". There is a chili flavor under all this, but it doesn't stand out. I think though if they had left off the lime part, these would be pretty good! As it stands though, they are not the greatest thing ever. 

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 Frowny Face. They aren't poison in a bag, they simply do not work at all for me. The chemical lime flavor is sour and nasty, but is mitigated by the decent chili and "hot" notes. It did also unclog my sinuses. I finished the (admittedly small) bag, but I won't get these again. However, if you love spicy things AND think the "hint of lime" tortilla chips are the bomb, you will probably love these. To each their own.

Kotas Reviews Doritos BLAZE

Well well, another Superb Owl come and gone. Our household spent the noble affair...not watching the game, as illness has swept through House Kotas. Still, I heard some birds won, and that's good for birds everywhere, right? Right! Still, you ain't here for my pathetic attempts to talk about sports ball. There was, however, a snack brought to prominence by a relatively high budget ad, starting a certain Peter Dinklage of Game of Thrones and Knights of Badassdom fame. So strap on your flame retardant clothing, it's time for us to take a look at Doritos Blaze.

And the dragon comes in the NIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Okay, I sort of love the art on the bag, which I feel would be best served airbrushed onto the side of a van. There is a tortilla chip, coated in red dust, ON FIRE, with vague Steve Ditko background elements that convey...weird. It's weird and I love it. Still, it's not the outside that counts, but what lies within! Let's crack it open.

This is less rad than I thought it would be, given the bag art.

Well, they are definitely the same as on the package. Tortilla chips coated in the angriest looking Mars Red flavor dust I've ever seen. The scent is at once burning, but cloying, with a hint of spicy goodness and various other seasonings I can't place. Let's eat! HOLY JEEZ those are spicy! Now, they aren't nearly as mouth destroying as certain other things I've reviewed, but they will clear the old sinus cavities and the burn lingers a bit. However, they ALSO have an amazing hot salsa type flavor that does exactly what I would hope all really spicy foods do: Hit you hard with the flavor, and THEN let you feel the burn. And what a burn! These chips do not fuck around...but I found myself happily chomping them down. The flavor is intense and the burn is really, really hot. But not unbearably hot. Why, I didn't even need milk after this! Nice job walking that line of flavor to burn ratio Frito-Lay.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 2 Smiley Faces. I certainly wouldn't want them all the time because the consequences of that would be...well, very burny, but if I really want some super spicy flavor filled Doritos, these are my go to pick. If you like really spicy food, you owe yourself a bag of these. If you don't like spicy food though, avoid these, because the name isn't a lie.

Kotas Reviews Wasabi Doritos

Yeah, let's just say that "SPAM Week" isn't gonna be a thing. The reasons for that are many and varied, but mostly "I ain't eatin' Spam for dinner every day". Also my salt levels are higher than a Twitch streamer playing Cuphead. Anywho, it's time to move on to something both familiar and different at the same time. Something much more..fusion-y. Ladies, Gentlemen, Peasants from a Medieval Village, today Kotas Reviews Wasabi Doritos. 

DORITOS GET GAMMA IRRADIATED! DORITOS SMAAAASH!

The hip new food trend from, uh, seven years ago was fusion cuisine. You know, Asian Fusion, Indian Fusion, [INSERT ETHIC FOOD TYPE HERE] Fusion, I could go on forever. Of course, the usual "fusion" is "Generic American" which is how we got cheeseburger tempura rolls down at the local sushi hut. Still, it takes a while for these sorts of things to trickle down into the greater snack world, precisely because a lot of such dishes are extremely hard to translate into a snack food. Enter the humble wasabi pea. Wasabi is, of course, the spicy little dab of green paste one gets on the side of sushi. It is incredibly spicy, like horseradish (which is often used to make 'wasabi paste' and honestly probably the only kind of wasabi I've ever had), but the burn is short lived, and it has a solid flavor on top. The perfect spicy condiment, but not for everyone. I rather like it, but I know others who detest it. Still, it goes great on peas, which are surprisingly snackable despite having incredible levels of sinus clearing heat. I love wasabi peas, but I can only eat small amounts of them...or rather, I SHOULD only eat small amounts of them. Because reasons. Anyway, that's a lot of lead up to the question at hand: Is it any good on a tortilla chip?

Okay, somewhat less green than the bag indicated.

Well, the scent is strikingly similar to wasabi peas, though perhaps not as sharp. The color is exactly what I would expect, though the yellow of the corn chip obviously lightens the overall effect. This Mexican-Japanese fusion dish has all the hallmarks of a classic in the presentation, but how is the flavor? In a word, delicious. It mostly tastes like wasabi peas, only with "corn chip" instead of "dried pea" and it's fantastic. The wasabi flavor is strong and well distributed, and it even has a decent kick, though not as much as I would like from a Wasabi chip. Still, it is amazingly munchable, much moreso than the wasabi peas precisely because the heat isn't quite as strong. Super tasty and would go great with a cucumber roll or three. I personally think it could be a bit spicier without ruining the effect, but that's probably down to a personal preference.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 3 Smiley Faces. It is Exactly What It Says On The Tin, and I want more of them. I even prefer them over my previous spicy Dorito flavor of Spicy Sweet Chili, though I still think Cool Ranch is the Dorito Flavor King. If you like spicy foods, and especially if you like wasabi peas, do yourself a favor and get a bag or eight. I'll come over and help you eat them!

Kotas Reviews the Cool Ranch Dorito Loco Taco

So, Taco Bell is expanding their Dorito Taco line with the ever popular "Cool Ranch" flavor. In a fit of laziness and weakness, on Tuesday I was able to sample this unholy creation.

If you've had the original Dorito Taco, you know mostly what to expect: A taco in a cardboard holder, designed to prevent it from cracking and crumbling too much. Thing is? It is not really needed here. With the nacho cheese flavored version, the shell itself was basically a weird-shaped Dorito, which is to say, not the best option for an edible food container. Thus it would basically shatter and fall apart after the first bite.

The Cool Ranch version is a different sort of beast. Rather than take a Dorito and make a taco shell out of it, they've taken their standard taco shell and just dusted it with Cool Ranch seasoning. Like any meh sequel, it takes the original concept, makes it cheaper, and hopes the audience won't notice. Well, I Noticed. There is an upside though. Standard taco shells at Taco Bell are less prone to cracking these days, and this incarnation didn't shatter at all.

Flavor wise, it's not bad. The Cool Ranch taste comes through a little stronger than the nacho cheese flavor did in the original, but the taco's standard flavor overwhelms it after a few bites. I happen to like the food substance that we call Taco Bell tacos, so this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it certainly makes you question if this "premium" upgrade is worth it.

On a scale of 5 frowny faces to 5 smiley faces (The McLaughlin Scale), I give this 0 faces. It's not terrible, but it seems a little half assed. It also does not solve the problem of its predecessor: The taco flavor negates all lesser flavors.