Monday, October 31, 2016

Kotas Reviews the Paqui Carolina Reaper Chip

Happy Halloween, my lovelies! Today is a holiday celebrated around the world in service to the acquisition of sweet treats by deception and/or extortion. You might know it as Trick or Treating, but I know the terrible truth! That said, for tonight's entertainment, we have a very special meal for you all. Well, really for me. For tonight, we dine with death. Ladies and Gentleghouls, tonight we taste the Carolina Reaper.

*OMINOUS THUNDERCRACK*
I was first introduced to the Caroline Reaper chip by the tremendous marketing engine of Paqui, the parent company. There was a countdown clock until October, when the chip would finally be released, the very iconic imagery of the "grim reaper of chips", and to top it off, they issued a challenge to record yourself eating the chip for like, a free bag of chips. Woo hoo? No. Still, I had to admit that as soon as they were available I scoured my local area to purchase one. Best or worst $5 I ever spent? Let's find out!

Homemade Hell? I think not. You were manufactured by a large corporation! Homemade Hell my ASS.
This chip's claim to fame is to have been made with the legendary Carolina Reaper pepper, the hottest pepper in the world. According to Wikipedia, it has on average a bit over 1.5 million Scoville Heat Units, with the highest individual measure topping out at 2.2 million Scoville Heat Units. I've eaten spicy nonsense in the past, but this one really takes the cake with the marketing campaign. I mean, I have to admit it was effective, drawing me into its stupid hot flame like a moth to a more different flame, but at the same time...$5 for a chip that I probably won't even like? I must be insane to eat this thing. Well, let's open her up, shall we?

Pictured with milk, because I'm stupid, not crazy.
I actually put on gloves to open the package, Stories of spice gone wrong from others has said that this is definitely a flavor dust you don't want in sensitive areas, such as the eyes, mucus membranes, or the uvula. Two out of three ain't bad, I guess. It smells like...burning and smokiness. This is in no way a "good" chip, because I've seen its like before. Hot for the sake of hot, presented as some sort of challenge. Well Paqui, ya roped me in. Now let's destroy our insides!

SWEET MOTHER OF SHIT! Okay, at first it had something vaguely resembling the flavor of "stale corn chip" mixed with "something that might have once been pepper flavored" but all of that was completely overwhelmed by the intense burning sensation that rocks through your nerve endings and plays a discordant melody on your pain receptors. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. This chip certainly lives up to its promise of "Deathly Hot", and yet I feel...sad and oddly, angry as hell. Not just because I'm gargling milk trying not to have my insides prolapse in terror, but because I expected more from this. There should have at least been a rush of actual flavors preceding the crescendo of agony that is the legacy of the Carolina Reaper in this chip. Instead, I got a shitty fucking corn chip laced with pain for the sake of pain and nothing else of value. In short, I was fucking scammed. This isn't a "unique taste experience that only the most robust of individuals ought to try". Instead, it's a trick to get you to punch yourself in the face (well, taste buds) after spending FIVE. HAUNTINGLY DAMNED. DOLLARS. on a Single. GODDAMN. CHIP. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets Four Flaming Frowny Faces. Fantastic Marketing that's sole purpose is to trick you into selling your tastebuds' souls to the Reaper Man and get nothing but pain for pain's sake, while Paqui laughs all the way to their hellish back account. Well, you got me good Paqui. I hope you choke to death on your next marketing stunt. Stay the fuck away from these things, they are a waste of time, effort, and money. At least I had ice cream afterwards. Don't fear the Reaper, punch him right in the dick while yelling "BOO, MOTHERFUCKER!"