Kotas Reviews A&W Root Beer Pop Tarts

Once in a great while, one comes upon an artifact from yesteryear. Seemingly lost in time, one finds that they appear to have stepped into an age which no longer exists but in the minds of people, and in fact may never have existed. There, one finds an A&W restaurant, and has a mug of root beer from their keg. I wish that is what had happened, but instead, I got Pop Tarts. Today we review A&W Root Beer Pop Tarts

Well, it being in a Pop Tart is new, for sure.

Named for Roy Allen and Frank Wright, A&W Root Beer has been a fixture in American Pop Culture since 1920. One of the first franchised restaurants in the United States to go national, today it is mostly known as a brand of root beer distributed by the Doctor Pepper Snapple Group. Occasionally one will find an A&W restaurant, usually on a secluded bit of highway, and it is often a surreal experience. When was the last time you had a frosted mug at a fast food place? Still, I do wonder at the pairing of root beer and Pop Tarts, of all things. Well, let's have a peek at 'em.

Double your...something something.

I'm not sure why there are sprinkles on this Pop Tart. They mostly serve to make it look dirty. The Pop Tart on the right also had way fewer sprinkles, again for unknown reasons. They smell vaguely like those weird gummy root beer candy things you see in "old timey" bulk candy stores. The crust is also brown, supposedly to resemble root beer. I'm sure it's fine.

Just....fine....

Well, it was not fine. The goo inside looks like...well, it looks awful. It smells like chemicals and fake root beer flavoring, and the taste is like you freebased a root beer gummy, burnt and terribly chemical. The overall experience is like eating warm, mushy ooze on a plain cracker while somewhere someone is burning a root beer gummy and making you smell it. It is freakin' god AWFUL how bad this is. I ate a single Pop Tart. I threw away the second. The remaining Pop Tarts were left on a counter at work to snare the next unsuspecting victim in their unholy clutches. May God Have Mercy on my soul for this one. This is the kind of thing I would feed people I hated and wanted them to suffer. No. Just...no.

On the FACE Rating System, this rates THREE frowny faces. Fuck this Pop Tart, fuck the box it came in, burn the factory it was made in to cleanse the world of its putrescence. Never Eat These. Ever. Don't even THINK about it, or They will get you. Who are They, you ask? Oh dear....THEY KNOW! It's too late for me, but maybe...RUN! Ia, Ia! Cthulthu F'gan! YOG SOTHOTH! IT STILL MOVES!