Kotas Reviews Halloween Twinkies

Well, it's that time of year again, when big confectioners trot out "Halloween" versions of the various treats they normally offer year 'round, along with any limited edition things they think the public will buy. I've taken a gander at some of these things before, so I figured I should revisit this theme. Plus, my long suffering wife found these at the grocery store. I am sure many of my tens of readers has seen them as well and wondered just what did they taste like? Fret no more, for I am here to review it so you don't have to. Welcome to Night Vale Kotas Reviews Everything.

The horror. The. Horror.

Hostess is back, folks! As many of you might remember, Hostess was out of business for the torturous eternal nightmare period of maybe 8 months last year before roaring back with their "Sweetest Comeback Ever" campaign. Looks like whatever management team they have is trying out a few new things this year. I mean, look at that box! With those terrifying bat shapes and that moon! The moon that drives one to madness at the unspeakable horrors it illuminates in that sickly yellow light. See the...rather serene expression on Twinkie the Kid, who is completely calm. Well, I suppose it can't all be perfect in packaging. It's not bad, but I think maybe making Twinkie the Kid up there a vampire would have improved it tremendously. Let us examine our acquisition, shall we?

Seems mostly normal from this angle, with only a hint of the sinister.

And yet, underneath lies the festering uneasiness. Blasphemy, or High Fructose Corn Syrup?

Make no mistake, this is totally a Twinkie, but the scent is an almost overpowering sensation of orangeness and wrongness fused into some sort of lurking presence that steals into the nostrils and leaves one breathless. Mostly because it smells like I think an Orange Colored Icing Factory should. My mind reels at the thought of going on, all my senses screaming at me to halt and yet I simply. Must. KNOW.

The unbridled embodiment of all that is malevolent!

Behold the oozing Creme That Should Not Be! It makes the once familiar and safe into something loathsome and horrible! Where once fluffy white expanses would draw one into the mind's center of peace and relaxation now only malign evil intent gushes forth in its eagerness to infest us all with its rank orange corpulence. The flavor is at once profound and...

Well, actually it was a bit of a disappointment. It was indeed orange, that is for sure, but I was really expecting a much more...orange flavor, given it is supposed to be orange flavored. Unlike the Halloween Oreos you see, where the creme is merely colored and otherwise retains its normal taste, this stuff is clearly altered flavor wise, but instead of being orange flavored it comes off as more orange dye flavored than anything else. It is like eating orange icing from a sheet cake, that has merely been colored. The chemical taste is strong and not particularly pleasant. The sponge cake is the same old Twinkie we know and love and yet the creme has transformed it into an object of pity. It's almost sad, really. 

On the FACE Rating System, the Halloween Twinkie gets 1 frowny face. I just expected so much more from this than I actually got. The packaging is not terrible, but Twinkie the Kid's blandness detracts from that. The look of the creme is spot on, but the taste is a total let down. I was expecting an orange cremesicle sort of taste, and instead got week old grocery store cupcake icing. I was not a fan, is what I'm saying.