Kotas Reviews Captain Marvel

Well, it's been a loooong time since I've written about Marvel Movies, hasn't it? To be fair, it's been a long time since I've seen a Marvel Movie when it was actually relevant to the current popular cultural scene. Still, I had to make some time for this one, for reasons that will probably become clear soon enough. Ladies and Gentlemen, children of some ages, let's take a look at Disney's Captain Marvel.

Buy the trade now on Amazon!

Even by Comic Book standards, the history of Captain Marvel is convoluted as hell, even if we keep that history focused solely on Carol Danvers. The original Captain Marvel, the Kree agent turned Protector of the Universe Mar-Vell, was long gone by the time I got sucked into comics as a wee lad. I grew up on the Monica Rambeau version a.k.a. Photon a.k.a. Spectrum. Still, the legacy of Mar-Vell touched a large part of the Marvel Cosmic Mythology and was a direct influence on my personal favorite cosmic hero, Quasar. Who also has a convoluted backstory and weird history for a dude who started off as a Take That version of Hal Jordan. No less than seven different characters have held the title of Captain Marvel, and at least two of them have also been Quasar at one point or another. Carol herself has had 3 previous superhero identities before taking on the mantle of Captain Marvel in the comics: Ms. Marvel, Binary, and Warbird. Her powers have been granted, taken away, super charged, altered entirely, and then melded together. Why, it's almost like comic books are weird! So, knowing all of that weirdness, how can a movie possibly try and reconcile all of that? In short, it doesn't, and that's a good thing. There will be a few spoilers below, so skip to the final paragraph for the FACE Rating and my overall thoughts.

The choice to start with Vers on Hala and then slowly introduce the bits and pieces that eventually make up Carol Danvers ends up being a great storytelling device, but it sure seems a bit disjointed at the beginning. Luckily, once the action shifts to Earth, the character development and chemistry between all the primary cast members really gels, particularly when the movie becomes a buddy cop film between Samuel Jackson's Nick Fury and Brie Larson's Vers. Those two bring a wonderful dynamic to the film that is absolutely a delight to watch. Larson has good chemistry with Lashana Lynch as Maria Rambeau too, which really helps sell some of the more interesting character moments. Larson's confident, no bullshit attitude when it comes to fighting the bad guys is also great, as is the sheer joy she takes in her powers. They aren't a curse, they are a gift and there is little angst to be found about it as she whoops and hollers her way through a bunch of battle cruisers in the climatic space battle. The trademark Marvel comedy is here in spades, and everyone gets in on the act. There is also a cat named Goose and a Fonz lunchbox that both serve similar purposes in the film at one point or another.

As a complete Marvel Nerd, I deeply appreciated all the nods at the many other Captain Marvels in comic history that showed up in this film. The Kree uniform she starts out in is a tribute to the original comic suit of Mar-Vell, Maria Rambeau's pilot handle of "Photon", as well as the fact that her daughter's name is Monica, are both tributes to the Monica Rambeau incarnation. During a sequence where Carol and Monica are updating the look of her costume, several of the rejected outfits reference the other Marvel er, Marvels, and there's even a blink and you'll miss it bit of shade thrown at DC's Captain Marvel/Shazam, as the costume takes on his traditional colors and it is rejected with a "...Naaaaaah". I acknowledge my deep nerdiness here, so just bear with me. Oh, and the CGI that made "Young" Nick Fury is top notch. The CGI on Goose...less so.

Unfortunately there are some parts of this film that do not work super well. As I stated before, the opening is a bit disjointed in the storytelling. The antagonists are the blandest of the bland, such that none of them stand out too much. Talos and Yon-Rogg are about the only aliens of interest on any side, and even they tend to be fairly generic as they toss the Villain Ball back and forth a few times. The Supreme Intelligence is made of dull and is just super meh in my opinion. Mar-Vell, for all five minutes she's in the film, is great but super under utilized. The origin of Danvers' powers makes the Tesseract/Space Stone the Infinity Stone with the most possible users and people affected by it. It really gets around, don't it? 

On the FACE Rating System, I give Captain Marvel 3 Smiley Faces. I love cosmic Marvel stuff and this movie is right up my damn alley, however it definitely follows a formula and has its flaws. When you have villains like the Vulture and Killmonger being so damn interesting, only to follow those up with some bog standard boring ones, it's a little bit of a let down, but the character bits between the good guys more than make up for that. Other people will probably rate this movie lower than I will, but I acknowledge my Carol Danvers bias. Go out and see it!

Kotas Reviews Power Rangers

You know how it is, right? You grow up in a small town, and you got some troubles in your life. Maybe a parent left your life and you are upset about it. Perhaps a close relative is sick or your grades are slipping because you've overloaded yourself. Maybe you just screwed up something socially and now you are some sort of outcast. Then you and 4 of your friends/acquaintances/some randos get superpowers from an alien being who is basically a head in a jar with a wacky robot sidekick. Typical Tuesday really. Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a look at Power Rangers!

Mass Effect has really gotten weird.

I'll be honest, I'm a huge Power Rangers fan. I know it's cheesy and goofy as hell, but as a lifelong kaiju movie and superhero fan, Power Rangers (and its ancestor Super Sentai) hits a lot of the right entertainment notes for me. Plus it has like 24 seasons worth of material, and usually people can find at least one season they really like. Good martial arts action, fun monster and robot designs, crazy weapons, a a touch of charm make Power Rangers into generally an entertaining romp, though not without its missteps (Operation Overdrive is a travesty). That said, how does it hold up on the big screen? There have been two previous Power Ranger theatrical releases and both of them were, at best, "not a complete shit show". It's Morphin' Time! With some spoilers! Skip to the end for a summation and review.

Our movie opens with a Red Ranger crawling through the muck of a battlefield, wherein he retrieves the power coin of a dying Yellow Ranger, who is also an alien. Our Ranger has retrieved all the coins from his fallen comrades and places them, along with his own, in safe keeping, just as he calls down a meteor strike to take out him and his foe, Rita. This is our introduction to Zordon. This happy scene is followed with a sequence of a high school prank gone awry as Jason, our hunky football star lead, is in crippling accident that ruins his chances for ever playing for the NFL during the course of which is a pretty explicit masturbation/bestiality joke. Go go Power Rangers! 

We follow him through is first day of detention, where we meet Kimberly, who's done something vaguely bad that causes her to lose her friendships and cut her hair, Billy, a mildly autistic kid who is picked on by the bullies at school and has a penchant for exploding lunch pails, and...well, that's it. Jason stands up for Billy, who in gratitude offers him use of his van if Jason will come over and help him. In addition, since Jason has an ankle bracelet for his house arrest, Billy can fix that too. Because, you know, science or some shit. This leads to a number of shenanigans that vaguely introduce Trini and Zach, and the whole gang is together when Billy blows up a wall and exposes some "weird ass glass" that they find the Power Coins in. Then there is a wacky chase scene where they bond to outrun a train and...fail horribly. Then they wake up with super powers, and begin to explore both their new powers and their burgeoning relationships to each other. 

Ultimately this is a film about teen drama and finding friendships that happens to have some Power Rangers stuff bolted on top of it. The acting is all pretty solid, with a great cast and some good writing. The Teen Drama isn't so much of the "after school special" variety (compared to say, a 90s TV show), but it does feel like this is a series of television episodes that has a bigger budget...at least until the last 20 minutes of the film or so, which I'll get to in a bit. I liked the characters, and even cared about them, and I wanted to see them succeed. Elisabeth Banks is clearly having a blast chewing all the scenery as Rita, and Malcolm's Dad is kind of weird as a less obviously benevolent Zordon, but it works out. Bill Hader as Alpha 5 did not make me want to punch things, which is always good. 

There are some twists and turns along the path to the epic (I guess) climax. Zordon's main motivation in getting them trained up and morphing is that it will allow him to come back from being just "dude in a wall". The teens have to learn to morph...and they suck at it because it requires the Power of Friendship or the Heart of the Cards or something, and Billy is basically the only one who is really trying at some point. Kimberly is clearly a not nice person who is trying to do the right thing and still occasionally fails. Rita straight up kills a Ranger (Well, along with Super Drowning Skills), which is less of a setback than you might think. Still, when the film is ending, I felt like the team really pulled together to save the day. The film might not have impressive skill, but it's got heart!

Of course, now we get into the more questionable parts of the film. So, Rita kills Billy by throwing him into the water at a dock and maybe zapping him too? Hard to tell, but it mostly seems like he drowned. The other Rangers pull him out, and he eventually is resurrected, but I was like "Dude, at the beginning of the film you held your breath for like, 10 minutes, and you were underwater here for maybe 2 or 3." Goldar looks like absolute garbage. While I mostly liked the individual Zord designs, the stand outs being the T-Rex and the Pteradon ones, the Megazord looked like Optimus Prime forgot to put on clothes and then decided to go be in Pacific Rim. Krispy Kreme must have paid out the fucking nose for its incredibly plot relevant product placement in this film, as LITERALLY the location of the "source of all life" Zeo Crystal. I did laugh when they also failed to move the Megazord right after forming it, but that bit ruined the momentum of the scene. I would have liked to see some more action scenes too. Some of the "for fans" lines were reeeeeeaally shoehorned in awkwardly, particularly "Make my Monster Grow!". The end of the film just rushed through a bunch of stuff to get to the final action sequence.

On the FACE Rating System, this film gets 1 Smiley Face. I rather enjoyed it, and it had some great callbacks to previous Ranger series (and cameos by Amy Jo Johnson and Jason David Frank from the Mighty Morphin' days). The acting was a step above Power Rangers in general, and the script mostly worked within its bounds, even if there were holes the size of Zords in the plot at times. It's a big, not too smart Teen Drama with some Science Fantasy parts tacked on. If you are a Power Rangers fan, you should go see it. Everyone else...maybe wait for the Redbox and a time when your brain won't nitpick some stuff. If you are into CW shows, this should make you happy. Goldar sucks though, and oddly I really wanted a doughnut when I walked out of the theater. May the Power Protect You!

Kotas Reviews Logan

I've been watching X-Men movies since the first one came out in 2000. Admittedly, after the mediocre X-3 and the abysmal Wolverine: Origins movies, I fell out of love with the series. I hear good things about some of the other films though, and I hope to find time to see them eventually. Still, when heard about the premise of Logan I knew I had to see it. Getting to see Hugh Jackman's last turn as the character, along with Patrick Stewart? Yes, please. Saddle up, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

I know that look.
Image Source: https://www.indiewire.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/lohan.jpg

I am going to try and keep any spoilers to a bare minimum, or keep it to stuff revealed in the opening moments of the film. A lot of what I'm going to talk about is in the trailers and such, so it shouldn't be too spoilertastic. Anyway, we open on Logan blearily waking up and stumbling out of the limo he's in, only to discover a pile of gangbangers trying to strip his tires. This goes about as well as you'd expect, though Logan looks like he's been through an inordinate amount of shit as of late. His hair is graying, his clothes, while presentable, are worn, and his wounds heal, but not like they used to. In fact he looks very scarred, which wasn't something you'd ever expect to see on the Wolverine.

Later on, Logan is confronted by a cybered up fellow named Donald Pierce, head of the Reavers. They're looking for someone, and want Logan to call them if he finds that someone. This goes about as well as you'd expect, but Logan doesn't just go apeshit on this guy, and for good reason. He's got bigger problems.

Eventually we get to see Professor Xavier, or Charles, as he's referred to here, and I have to give credit to Sir Stewart here, you feel the age of the guy. He's old, decrepit, and his mind is slipping away. Given that mind is also one of the most powerful weapons on the planet, that thought should scare you. It certainly scares Logan. Still, obligations being what they are, Logan is caring for him, along with a mutant named Caliban who is a mutant tracker and an albino, and thus, doesn't have a lot of career options.

To sum up, mutants are dying out as no new ones have been born in years. Logan is the last of the X-Men, and just trying to make enough money to survive and eventually whisk Charles off to the ocean to get away from everyone. Mostly because Charles has seizures that psychically paralyze everyone around him in incredibly painful ways, and Logan seems to be one of the few that can fight through it to get him his medication. It's...grim, dusty, and filled with emptiness of the soul, but things pick up when Laura shows up, showing off some very familiar claws...

From this point the movie is basically a road trip movie with three people just trying to get through the journey: Charles, Laura, and Logan. The plot isn't too complicated (at least for this part of the film), but the interactions between these three really sell the movie, more than anything else. This is a tightly focused character piece about a man dealing with regret finding some way to muster up the ability to have one final adventure. There is a ton of emotion and meaning conveyed with body language and inflection, which goes to show how skilled the acting is here. Sure, it's not perfect, but damn if it isn't firing on all cylinders at times. Then there are the fight scenes.

The cinematography here is actually really well done. You feel the hurt that Logan is in, and the fights are frenetic, brutal, and gore filled, but not to the ridiculous levels shown in the much more comedic Deadpool. There is a touch of realism and grittiness in the fight scenes that normally isn't present in films about dudes who can pop claws out of their wrists. Every crunch, every stab, every flip is there to be felt and make the audience just cringe in shared empathy, even for the nameless mooks who I'm sure were just two weeks from retirement.

There are some interesting parallels between Logan and Charles I want to touch on. In a lot of ways, Professor X and Wolverine were opposites. One has incredible physical prowess, the other mental. One is nearly feral with rage, the other as calm as a lake in spring time. This movie sort of flips it all on its head. Now Charles is the one nearly mad (at times) due to his age and the ravages of onset mental deterioration. Logan has to be the responsible one, the one who keeps his cool because it wouldn't do to have the bachalorette party in the limo flip out when you accidentally pop claws. On the other hand, both men suffer from a similar malady: Their most powerful weapon is now slowly killing them. The adamantium in Logan's skeleton is finally, after all these years, overwhelming his ability to regenerate and boy howdy does it show. Seeing Charles curse and be incredibly childish while Logan has to take on the more parental role is heartbreaking, but it is just so well done.

There are a lot of feels in this movie, so be prepared for a few (or maybe a lot of) tears. Even something as cheesy as an old western is made pretty damn meaningful, and sometimes the victory isn't pretty or sweet, or happy. Still, it is very fitting, and a good way to send off the character. Whoever wrote the very last bit should get a fucking raise too. It did not end the way I thought I wanted it to, but it ended in a way I think was just right. Even if I didn't know it. This is a Western wrapped in a road trip that throws its superhero trappings on just long enough to remind you where it came from.

On the FACE Rating System, Logan gets 3 Very Sad Smiley Faces. If you don't understand that now, you will after you see the film, because you should see the film if you are a fan of the X-Men, the characters, or even just Hugh Jackman or Patrick Stewart. Damn good film. Oh, it also has boobs in it. So you know, there's that. Man, this film couldn't have been made if Deadpool didn't do so well, but boy am I grateful that it exists. Just go see it!

Kotas Reviews Kubo and the Two Strings

So, we're getting another movie review this summer season, because I've been trying really hard to foist my child off with let my in-laws spend more time with their grandchild. This means I get to see more movies, which is not a bad thing. This go around my spouse and I decided we wanted to see something a little different from the usual explod'em'up blockbuster fair. Plus, I basically had seen one preview like, six months ago and didn't know diddly about the film. Let's talk about Kubo and the Two Strings.

Picture Source: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/jSsZDL4xQBg/maxresdefault.jpg

Normally in my reviews I do a deep dive into the plot of the film, but some people have told me they would prefer NOT to have that sort of content, so I'll try to be more general about this tale of a young boy who goes on a quest to try and stop his grandfather the Moon King from stealing his other eye, accompanied by a talking monkey and a beetle samurai. Oh, and some paper. GOT THAT? Let's begin. 

This movie is, best I can tell, a story told through a unique animation style that blends computer and stop-motion animation into a seamless whole. The director's previous works do not include directing, but serving as an animator and/or producer on such films as Coraline, ParaNorman, and The Boxtrolls. It was my assumption that this story was an old Japanese folk tale or something that was Westernized a bit, since that is how it felt to me, but it turns out that this one is a completely original, which I was not expecting. 

The underlying themes of this film are wonder, discovery, sacrifice, loss and the importance of memory. There are a lot of interesting takes on the usual "Hero's Journey" and "Chosen One" motifs, though nothing too unfamiliar. Harry Potter it ain't, but then again it sort of is. Kubo has a lot of magic at his disposal, and he gets more powerful as the movie goes on, but that's not the focus of the story. The shamisen music that plays such an important role hits the right notes of wondrous and haunting, but also playful and teasing. The origami that is shown is excellent, though perhaps less interesting to true students of the art than to me. 

Yup. That's a wall of text up there.
Picture Source: http://screencrush.com/442/files/2016/04/Kubo-and-the-Two-Strings-final-trailer-image.jpg

Many of the characters are a bit flat (no pun intended), but since they are background characters it doesn't seem out of place. Shout out to George Takai as having a small role and generally being awesome. The main characters of Kubo, Monkey, and Beetle each have distinct, obvious traits, and act in somewhat believable ways. Kubo is basically in shock after the initial encounter with his extended family, though he does shake it off conveniently quickly. 

One of the things I enjoyed most about the film was the sense of wonder that the scenery invoked. This film is just beautiful to look at and there are a lot of traveling scenes and other side bits that just revel in the medium of animation for the sake of moving well, if that makes any sense. However, as much wonder as there is, some of it can be a bit intense for smaller folk. I am glad I didn't take my kid to see it, as I don't think she could handle it at her age. Any kid who can sit through a Harry Potter film should be fine though. The giant skeleton bit is particularly scary, but I really loved that whole scene. 

This is not a perfect film, as I wish that the antagonists had a little more backstory than what is presented, though it is sufficient to understand the motivations. The Moon Sisters are creepy and effectively scary, and the Moon King is appropriately dismissive of our heroes, but I feel as though I'm missing some of their story as it fits into the larger world. Some of the humor goes for a cheap laugh rather than a more refined one, and thus seems a little out of place. The conclusion to the film is extremely bittersweet, but one could call it a happy ending, if a somber one. There may have been a manly tear or two shed. 

On the FACE Rating System, this film gets 3 smiley faces. It is not an exploration of joy and wonder, like many of the films I love, but it has those elements tempered with sadder parts that make the story complete. The animation is in my opinion quite excellent, and I do love the shamisen soundtrack. I do find it somewhat amusing that a chord (ha!) that runs through the whole thing is "the power of rock is awesome". This one is absolutely worth seeing, so get out there, and rock out with your bachi out.

Kotas Reviews Warcraft

Hello folks, it's been a while since we did a movie review hasn't it? About four months ago I reviewed a movie released two months before. This time, we'll be reviewing a movie that only came out less than a month ago. Progress! Now, some might say I would be honored to review a grand story about two mighty forces who, through a lack of understanding and differing cultural values, come to blows with each other. But we're not here to talk about Captain America: Civil War, we're here to talk about a movie that has orcs in it. Let's take a look at Warcraft!

I think this is the right image for this movie.
Picture From: Venturebeat (http://venturebeat.com/2015/08/12/blizzard-will-consider-new-warcraft-rts-after-starcraft-ii/)

Warcraft is a film that is over twenty years in the making, though most people would have expected closer to ten. Suprisingly, this movie will tell the story of the old school Blizzard title Warcraft: Orcs and Humans game, rather than the considerably more well known (and more popular) Warcraft III/World of Warcraft story. I'm sure they are setting up for the sequel. Released in 1994, Warcraft went on to be Blizzard's first real smash hit, and it went on to spawn two sequels, several expansions, and the juggernaut that is World of Warcraft, which basically took over the company for many years. 

I've been a fan of Blizzard games in general since I played the original Diablo, but I didn't really get into Warcraft until the third game, and of course I eventually played World of Warcraft along with every other MMORPG player ever. Solid games with a ton of super confusing lore that mostly I didn't read as I clicked and moused my way through the rich vibrant worlds presented to me in glorious polygonal detail. I get that Thrall is important (since he's a Hero unit), but I don't really care about his backstory outside of the games in which he appears, and it's not even well explained there. And don't tell me it's in some damn book or comic or what have you. That doesn't count. If you want me to care about a character, you sort of have to get me to care inside the medium that you are telling that character's story in. This has always been a problem for Blizzard in a number of its titles, but it seems this trend has bled out into the movie as well. Let's dive in. Oh, and spoilers below the next picture.

None of the people on this poster ever wear face paint. I said there'd be spoilers, didn't I?
Picture From: Nerdist (http://nerdist.com/warcraft-trailer-legendary-universal-blizzard/)

The film opens with a scene from the teaser trailer that has little to do with anything, but by gum they paid for that footage and they are gonna use it. Then the film actually starts. Durotan ProbablyNotMakingItToTheSequel and his wife Draka DefinitelyNotMakingItToTheSequel, discussing their upcoming journey and how she has to conceal her pregnancy for "the crossing". I'll give the movie this, the CGI orcs are pretty darn good, even if they move a little too fluidly for their size. Next, we see the dry, dead plains of Draenor and the cages full of prisoners begging to be set free. Then Gul'Dan shows up, stomping around evilly, and explains that he will use Fel magic to open a gateway to another, richer world to plunder. The initial warband will go as a vanguard, build a portal on that side, and using captives from there open a more permanent portal to allow the full might of the Horde to erupt onto their "new home". Gul'dan then sucks out the souls of like, every prisoner to open the portal, and the vanguard passes through. The stress of this passage causes Draka to go into labor, which Gul'dan disapproves of, but the child is still born. Gul'dan then drains the soul of a deer and infuses the baby with fel magic, turning it green, but bringing it to life. This will be important in the sequel. Oh, and Gul'dan is evil, but you knew that already.

Some time later, the humans get word of "weird shit" going down and are investigating some bodies that were brought back for...well, investigation. Eventually Anduin Lothar looks over it and discovers Khadgar, the sort of bumbling mage who is trespassing to get a good look at the corpses. Turns out, Fel Magic was involved and this is kind of a big deal, so they bring it up to King TotallyFuckinDead who sends them to summon Medivh the Guardian. While there, they convince him to help out and Khadgar steals borrows a weird book that a ghostly apparition leads him to. I'm sure it's fine.

They roam around scouting for a bit, and then are ambushed by a bunch of orcs, including Durotan, his buddy what carries a hammer (probably not important), and some cannon fodder. A bunch of human cannon fodder dies, but Khadgar puts up a really awesome special effect, and Medivh uses another really awesome special effect to burn all the fel in the fel-infested (read: green) orcs so they die horrible. The non-fel (read, brown) orc are like "oh right, maybe fel is bad" and retreat, but poor Garona the Half Orc gets captured by Khadgar. Did we mention she can somehow speak English Common and acts as a translator for the orcs? No? Well, she does. Anyway, there are like, 7 main characters in this film, so I'm really summarizing here. 

Through things and stuff, the Frostwolves and the Alliance meet to discuss totally fucking up Gul'dan's shit because Fel = Bad, m'kay? They meet, but the Gul'Dan Loyalists ambush them and some fighting breaks out. Medivh throws up a big old lightning thing, but some people, including Lothar's kid are stuck on the other side and totally murdered for reasons. Medivh is exhausted so they take him back to his Magic Fountain of Recovery (though not by using a hearthstone, sadly) and Khadgar sees his eyes glow green for a bit. Green being bad and all, he eventually goes to The Floating City of Wizards Called Dalaran to talk to a weird old lady in a box who is apparently important and gives Khadgar Chekov's Catch Phrase. 

God this film is 8 years long. Okay, so after ALL OF THAT, it turns out Medivh is totally possessed by a demon, and is actually helping Gul'dan with his portal business, but before we find that out, he teleports Garona to see Lothar, because love or some shit. The orcs having been capturing humans to use as Portal Fuel ("It's what Gul'dan craves!"), so the King decides it's high time they rescued them, sort of counting on the fact that the Frostwolves are like, totally gonna help out. Sadly for the King, the Orc Chieftain has all most of the Frostwolves murdered, though Ogrimm Doomhammer (name is dropped so awkwardly it might as well have been an anvil) helps Draka and l'il Thrall Go'el escape the slaughter, and frees Durotan.

Instead of "running like the wind" they instead decide to confront Gul'Dan in the ritualized challenge known as Qab jIH nagil Mak'gora, in which two rivals for leadership slug it out without weapons or magic. This goes about as well as you would expect, with Gul'dan, kind of in a hurry as Medivh begins his part of the incantation to open the portal, flat out bear hugs Durotan and sucks out his soul. Big old Cheaty McCheaterson he is. Doomhammer sort of calls him out on being a fuckin' cheater, but Gul'dan just powers up the Warchief with Even More Fel Magic and everyone else just sort of goes with it. Oh yeah, and Orc Moses Go'el is left in a river while his mother sacrifices herself to let him escape. Because sequels.

The King and his forces find Durotan's corpse, and instead of retreating to regroup just sort of go with it. Khadgar frees Lothar from his Crazy Person prison, and they fly off to confront Medivh. Lots of fighting ensues, with the Alliance army using guns and surprise to cut their way to the prisoners, and Khadgar and Lothar using trickery and catch phrases to drive out the demon possessing Medivh (and bust up Chekov's Golem). With his dying breath, Medivh causes the portal to open up to Stormwind, and most of the Alliance escape...but not the King and not Garona. While the other Alliance extras get chewed into hamburger, King Stupid orders Garona to kill him, so she will be welcomed with honor back to the Horde for being a team killing asshole. Reluctantly she does this. Lothar then swoops in to save the day...a lot too late. There's a second ending of the film where he cuts off the Fel Empowered Warchief's taint during another version of Mak'gora, The orcs let him go because honor, even though Gul'dan is super grumpy about it. Garona is welcomed back to the Horde. Lothar and Khadgar are put into positions of power, and somewhere in all of this Doomhammer wanders off to be in the sequel. 

On the FACE Rating System, this film gets one smiley face. It isn't good by any stretch of the imagination, but I did like several things about it. The special effects for magic were superb. The costuming is very pretty, even if it has to hew to the slightly goofy over the top Warcraft art style. There are a number of in jokes that are genuinely funny for a Warcraft fan, and sort of funny for everyone else. The orcs look fantastic, especially in the scenes without other people. Of course, there is a lot to not like too. The plot is both simple and confusing, because the movie has no focus character for us to, well, focus on. There are so many "this will be important in the sequel" moments crammed in that they are tiresome and obnoxious. I often felt like I was missing about 30 pages of backstory that would have made more of this make sense. The (admittedly light) romance subplot felt super tacked on. Half the people in this film do not think things through. 

It's a "fair to middlin'" fantasy film that is certainly not worth full price, but catch it on Netflix or at the $2 theater and you'll be entertained. It is not, however, a flaming trash pile of a film, as many have claimed. It's just mostly average, and that's good enough for an afternoon's light entertainment. Also, FOR THE ALLIANCE!

Kotas Reviews Deadpool

Ah comic book movies. Once maligned as genre fodder for nerds, the comic book movie has risen to be one of the biggest draws to the box office...well, at least the Marvel movies anyway. They can pull off impressive set pieces that revel in their own existence (like the Avengers) as well as quirky off beat movies about people the general public has probably never heard of (like Guardians of the Galaxy). Then it craps out something like Fant4stic (spelling taken from the poster folks) and you realize "Oh wait, only the Marvel Studios movies are generally good right now." Then you get...

The Big Chimichanga

By all rights, this is a film that should never have been made. Deadpool, while very popular in the 90s and still beloved today, is not an iconic character in the mainstream pop culture consciousness. Originally a brooding grimdark anti-hero that exemplified all the problems with the Dork Age of Comics (pretty much the grim and gritty 90s), in 1997 at the hands of Joe Kelly, he got his own series and became an action comedy parody of the Dork Age. Much like John Byrne's Sensational She Hulk run, Deadpool satirizes comics and breaks the fourth wall so much it might as well not exist. The gag is that he knows he's a fictional character and capitalizes on that in humorous ways. So, how in the hell did a movie about THIS get green lit?

Well, this would be Deadpool's second cinematic go around. Ryan Reynolds was cast to play him in Wolverine: X-Men Origins...and, well, they fucked it up. Badly. Also, this is Ryan Reynold's 4th comic book movie appearance, as he was in the aforementioned Wolverine movie as well as Blade: Trinity and (sigh) Green Lantern. Not a proven track record. And this is a studio film! Probably crapped out just so 20th Century Fox can hold onto the movie rights to these characters for just a little bit longer. It's totally gonna suck ass, right? Well...color me surprised.

This is not a complicated movie. It is a simple movie presented in an intentionally complicated way for humorous effect. The story is simple. Bad Ass Wisecracking Asshole For Hire With a Heart of Tarnished Gold (BAWAFHWHTG) Wade Wilson meets girl of his dreams, who shows him up several times, and life is great. Then he gets cancer, like, everywhere. To find a cure, he's offered a shady ass bargain by some shady ass people. They do bad things to him, which cures him and disfigures him. He goes to get revenge. Colossus is there for some reason, but Wade does his thing, and gets a...reasonably happy ending. Ta da! Roll Credits, stay for the obligatory teaser, bing bada boom. 

I certainly never expected this...experience...though. Seriously, Mr. Reynolds was let "off the chain" for this one and embraces a role so thoroughly that it will be hard to imagine anyone else ever putting on those oddly expressive red tights (except maybe in the darkest corners of your twisted dreams). I am really surprised at the range of physical and verbal comedy, as well as just the right dollap of sappy happy that this film needed to pull off its "Boy Meets Girl, Boy Almost Dies and Gets Super Powers, Boy Murders Everyone Until He Gets Girl Back" story. Even people who hate the very idea of Deadpool as a character cannot deny that Ryan Reynolds nailed it to the fucking wall, and then fucked the wall. Because Deadpool. Still...one good character can't carry a movie...can he?

This movie works because we like Wade Wilson and more importantly we can believe that the Wade Wilson as portrayed on screen fits into Wade Wilson's World. Given this base, the rest of the pieces rest easily on top of this (possibly while humping it) and build a scaffold to cinematic joy...assuming you like dick jokes. And masturbation jokes. Testicle humor? Yes. All of it. The sheer volume of scatological verbiage in this film rivals and may even surpass that of South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, and certainly has it beat in magnitude if not volume. I did not think that irreverence on film could surpass the rendition of "Shut Your Fucking Face Uncle Fucker", but ladies and gentlemen, I was wrong. 

I laughed at things that were genuinely amusing, things that were amusingly gross, things disturbingly amusing, things that were just disturbing, but more in that "really uncomfortable so I can only laugh" kind of way, and of course, the fantastic humor of a blind lady assembling IKEA furniture. Also possibly the most disturbingly funny masturbation joke I've ever had the...well, not privilege, but surely something...to have experienced. They hyper violence is SO completely over the top that it enhances the comedy. This is black comedy at its most rainbow blood soaked best. Death to Smoochy, you have been supplanted in that regard. 

Let's talk about the non-Ryan Reynolds stuff for a while. The Girl (Vanessa) is an excellent comedic foil for Reynolds and, while not really developed as a character, does upend the traditional "girl what must be rescued role" a bit and not just for comedy's sake. The Sidekicks (Weasel and later Blind Woman) provide some much needed grounding for Wilson as well as often getting the upper hand in their verbal sparring. Weasel in particular has a lovely monologue about the grotesqueness of Wilson's "post treatment" appearance. The X-Men cameos (and that's what they are, extended cameos) of Colossus and (I shit you not) Negasonic Teenage Warhead (NTW) provide some real zingers at the studio system as well as a couple of the most quotable lines in a film full of quotable lines. I loved the contrast between the old fashioned (and properly Russian) Colossus as the traditional goody two shoes hero, Wacky Amoral Deadpool, and Millennial Not Having Any Of Your Shit NTW. This film has one of the best "credits to set the tone of the film" sequences ever put on celluloid mimicking digital media. Not since Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters has an opening sequence so thoroughly telegraphed the tone of the film. The taxi driver. I want to hug him so much. It is a tribute to Reynolds and more importantly, his costume department that they made the Deadpool mask almost as expressive as the comic book counterpart. Nice SHIELD cameo!

The film is not without its problems though. The villains are as flat as naan bread before it is baked, and have less personality. The origin sequences run for about 20 minutes too long. There are some mean spirited moments with the aforementioned blind lady that are just a little out of place with the rest of the humor. The pacing is really weird, but some of that is because the movie gets that Deadpool as a character is best done in small doses, so the interleaving style of now and flashbacks works pretty well, except when it doesn't. It's hard to explain, but it feels off kilter in places. The "horrible scarring" really isn't quite as hideous as maybe it should be, given everyone's reactions to it. Negasonic Teenage Warhead really probably should have been called Cannonball, but I'm guessing they couldn't get the rights for that character, given that she is completely different in the comics from her on screen depiction. Okay, that last one is a super nitpicky thing, but it deserves mention. Because I'm THAT GUY.

On the FACE Rating System, this film gets a very strong TWO smiley faces. It is not quite up to the spectacle of the Avengers, and it's definitely not the feel good movie of the year, but as a 2 hour gleeful fuck you at the concept of the modern super hero film, it stands above the rest, peeing on them while yodeling. If you can imagine Terminator 2, but with 200% more dick jokes, an extended segue way into a complete mockery of the Studio System, and frankly one of the most iconic comic book (and comedic) performances of the decade, you pretty much get Deadpool. 

Oh, and for those with young teens who might be tempted to take them to a "cool superhero movie". NO. This is as hard an R rating as you can get without full frontal nudity, mostly for linguistic reasons but there are a lot of "adult situations" I did not expect to see on film. So, don't. Seriously! Or you don't get any chimichangas.

Kotas Reviews The Force Awakens

Okay, it's been, what, six weeks now? Plus it was just announced the Blu-Ray release is in April, if the Internet doesn't steer me wrong. I think I can safely talk about this movie now. Though, and you can NEVER EVER EVER say I did not warn you, there are a giant fuckton of spoilers in this one. Do NOT read this until you've seen the movie, or if you have no care to give about spoiling it.

If I had to describe this movie in a few words, it would be: Bold, yet familiar. The plot is basically a retelling of A New Hope, with all the character beats moved around and more than a dash of Empire sprinkled in. A lot of what I'm about to say will echo what others have said. Still, I need to get this out of my head. Bear with me.

The rising power of the Empire First Order threatens to overwhelm the fragile government of the Old New Republic. Their agents have just caught up with Princess Leia Poe Dameron, who has information vital to the cause. As their soldiers close in, the information is hidden in R2D2 BB-8, a plucky astromech who is sent away...I could go on, but you get the idea. This is where I invoke that This is not necessarily a Bad Thing.

At its heart, Star Wars is about entertaining characters who get embroiled in amazing, yet personal circumstances and ultimately save the day. This film has this in excess. And thank goodness for that, after the lifelessness of the Prequels. I also appreciated the nods to, but not slavish aping of, the black and white morality of A New Hope.

Pros:
They gave us more complex characters than in A New Hope, and made us give a giant pile of shits for them. Seriously, I walked out asking the question "Why is the sequel not ready for me to watch, damn it?" You follow these character arcs and you can be attached to them. Let's talk about the new folk first.

All of the new main characters have a thematic throughline of Discovery of One's Place. Fin has basically no idea of his place, only that his originial place as a Stormtrooper was Wrong, and he is afraid yet ready to try and find himself. Poe is the thematic other side of that coin. He knows exactly who he is as the best pilot in the galaxy and has zero doubts and fears, and thus takes the shortest amount of screen time to establish. Ray starts off thinking she knows exactly who she is, and yet discovers there is so much more to explore...and accepts it. Kylo Ren is her thematic twin, in that he thinks he knows exactly who he is, and yet discovers there is so much more...and REJECTS it. Violently. Good maintenance of theme there.

Now for the old! Let's get Luke out of the way. Ran away after his failure with Ben Solo? That actually calls back to Return of the Jedi and his constant "I shouldn't have come, I'm endangering the mission/everyone" refrain. He is the MacGuffin that drives forward most of the plot for the first half of the film. Hamil looked good in the old style robes too, beard and all. Nice callback to Ben Kenobi. Leia is around too, and still a hard ass, which was nice. Chewie makes a great foil to all the characters, even BB-8. Han is kind of a big deal in this film. Some have said it was simply Harrison Ford in the Solo Jacket, but I disagree. I think he was shooting for "beaten down old man going back to his old habits as an attempt to escape a bad part of his life" and he nailed it. The exhaustion of STILL having to wrangle stupid cargos (and let's face it, the horrible snarling tentacle beasts were stupid cargo) AND STILL having to try and talk his way out of other assholes coming to get his head after ALL THIS TIME is palpable.

The most Han like moments are when Ray gets the parsec count on the Kessel run wrong (though, I have my own problems with that...parsecs are a measure of distance, damn it!) and when he is talking to his son. Right before Kylo stabs the SHIT out of him. Bold move Disney, killing off the most popular character from the old series, even if you can see it coming from 3 parsecs away. I wondered up until about 30 seconds before it happened if they were really, really gonna do that or if they would wuss out but the scene is heavily telegraphed. It certainly made Kylo a more interesting character though! Again, we have a thematic Throughline for all of the old main characters, that of Fleeing After Loss to Old Haunts. Luke literally runs off to an isolated planet to hide away. Han goes back to smuggling, though he is clearly weary of it. Leia goes back to being a rebellious politician, to work through her grief.

The lightsaber fights are actually really fun and interesting, because they have TONS and TONS of emotional context feeding into them, and they do not go on forever. The space battles are decent, but they sort of distract from all the really interesting character stuff going on around them. They are very pretty, but not TOO pretty. In fact, keeping the ships mostly in atmosphere served to provide some (ahem) grounding for the ship fights, in all their cheesy sounds in space glory.

I liked the clear indicator of the time limit (in this case, the sun slowly going out), which was another throwback to A New Hope. The look and feel are spot on. Everything about the visuals screams "We're back to Star Wars as it ought to be" and the sound design is top notch. The efficiency of this film is very high, with most scenes doing what they need to do and no more. The establishment of the scavenger society in maybe 15 minutes of screen time? Brillant, and serves as a nice contrast to Tatooine's more agrarian society. The First Order is a tropey villain group, but they are completely humanized via the character of Fin...and they are actually pretty competent compared to the Storm Troopers of the OG trilogy. They might actually be precise shots in this one. The character interactions are believable and sound natural, unlike the prequels. The nonverbal communication in this film is very good, especially the Kylo Ren Temper Tantrums and the many meaningful looks, most of which don't go on too long. Taking out the Starkiller (niiiice reference there) was freakin' hard, and I enjoyed the trench run throwback scene.

Cons: Most of these are minor quibbles, but you didn't come here for a balanced interpretation of stuff, right?. Underutilization is a crime of the Star Trek films, and some of that bleeds through here. Leia is great, but she really needed a bit more to do. Phasma gets to be...a secondary Macguffin, and nothing else. Shame, because that outfit is amazing and with just a few lines of dialogue I want to know MORE about her. CGI Darth Gollum (yes, I stole the joke) is kind of blah as a prime mover. The speed of Ray's power acquisition is amazing, given she JUST FOUND OUT she's into that whole Force thing. Fin is surprisingly competent at lightsaber fighting, though I suppose they do establish that Stormtroopers have good hand to hand training with weapons capable of going toe to toe with a lightsaber AND Kylo Ren was already fucked up from Chewbacca's bowcaster blast.

Really? Another planet destroying super weapon (that is also a planet that ruins suns)? This is, what the third one of those you've tried? Is this REALLY the best use of resources when you could have probably, oh, I don't know, built a GIANT FUCKING FLEET and leveled civilization on those planets instead? Oh, it can hit...many at once? From ridiculous ranges? Sci Fi writers often can't get scaling right, and this is no exception. Why didn't they turn the shields back on after they were shut off? Maybe it didn't matter at that point? I'm a little disappointed that Coruscant actually WASN'T destroyed, because THAT would have been super bold. The rolling saw nightmare monsters were doofy and did not add much to the story. I can probably think of more, if I really put my mind to it.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 3 smiley faces. This was the film it needed to be to bring back the old fans and invigorate this franchise cinematically. If you are a Star Wars fan, you need to see this film, if only to wash the taste of the prequel films out of your brain. Disney, you totally got me with this one. I'm all in. When is the next film coming out? *checks* DAMN IT.

Kotas Reviews The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

As I mentioned in my review of the last Hobbit movie, the Hobbit may be my favorite book of all time. I know I'm about a year late on my review of this film, but time and babies make fools of us all. That said, let's get this review over with, because the third movie is out and I need to catch up. Be warned because thar be spoilers a plenty on the horizon. Skip to the last paragraph for the FACE Rating and final thoughts.

When we last left our intrepid heroes, they had just escaped the dungeons of the Goblin King, and sliced his fat warted ass up for good measure. The last film was considerably more serioused up than the source material, but it was reasonably well done enough that I did not find it went against the spirit of the book. So how do we open? With a flashback sequence to Thorin entering Bree and meeting with Gandalf! Here Thorin's actual plan is laid out: Steal the Arkenstone from Smaug and, holding the symbol of dwarven rulership (Whaaaaaaaat?) unite the dwarves of Middle Earth once more to take back Erebor. Uhhhhhh, okay. Sure. That is at least a much more sensible plan than the one in the book, but WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS IN THE SECOND FILM? This should have been in the first film, and seems essentially like a retcon of the first film. Whatever, back to the story from the previous film.

The Various Dwarves, Bilbo, and Gandalf are seeking shelter from the patrols of Boss Orc the Orc Boss, when the Youngest Dwarf (by appearance, who is not Kili or Fili as it would be should they be following the damned book) spies a "great beast". Gandalf advises them that there is a house to shelter in, but that the occupant will either help them or kill them. Uh....is he talking about Beorn? Because while the dude was pretty unfriendly in the book (at first), he wasn't Chaotic Neutral. Anycrap, the film jump cuts to the party fleeing the ravening beast and managing to lock themselves into a convenient house.The goblins hold off their assault at this time, because Beorn is one scary motherfucker. Then Bilbo is woken up by a giant bee, doesn't freak the fuck out, and Gandalf introduces them to their host, Beorn. Then Beorn gives us his tragic back story info dump about how his people were tortured by the Orcs, and he's the last of his kind, and how he hates dwarves, but he hates orcs more, and here's some stuff, Mirkwood sucks, and this takes all of five minutes of the film.

What the everloving shit. In the book, the Beorn sequence is used as a respite from the previous action sequence, and to show how Gandalf is clever without having to use magic to show us his awesome, along with the dwarves securing a great ally for the troubles ahead. In the movie...it is a glossed over "and then" bit that manages to take Beorn and turn him into the fucking Last of the Really Angry Werebears. It even manages to make it seem like Beorn loses a lot of his control when in bear shape, which was never in the book! This fucking movie, people. After Beorn, they end up in Mirkwood, which has been Even More Serioused Up. Gandalf quits the party to go be in a more interesting movie, and the dwarves get overcome by the illusion of the forest (Whaaaaaat?) and are captured by the spiders. Bilbo is also captured (double whaaaaaat?) but manages, with a tiny itty bitty bit of help from his ring to fight his way free. He also becomes a bit of a show off. Anyway, while wearing the ring he can understand the spiders (not in the book, but hey, it makes sense), cuts the dwarves free, and the chase and fight is on!

The dwarves have weapons of course, so they do quite a bit better than in the book. Bilbo manages to lose his ring briefly, and fights a...worm/spider thing to get it back. I think this sequence is meant to show that the ring is starting to take hold of Bilbo, but it comes off as disjointed and kind of dumb. I mean, yeah, I get it, but it is not framed well. Then Legolas shows up with a shit ton of other elves including Female Legolas, and the dwarves are captured. Okay, why is Legolas in this film? I mean, yes, his dad is totally the King of the Wood Elves but he seems clumsily inserted into this story to show some continuity with the previous story. There is a so-called "hilarious" bit where he asks about one of the dwarves' family and is told "That's Gimli, mah wee lad!" Har dee har har.

The King of the Wood Elves actually susses out Thorin's plan at this point, and offers to assist, with the only price being some gems in the hoard. Thorin tells him to stuff it up his elf hole, we learn the King has fought and been scarred by dragons in the past (Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?) and the dwarves are retained in the elf prisons for a grand total of...maybe 24 hours, during which time Kili starts to lightly romance Female Legolas, who was just told that Regular Legolas would not be allowed to court her, but is "very fond of her". Whaaaaaaaaaat? Anyway, Bilbo finds out there is a party going on, nips the keys, shoves the dwarves into barrels, and sends the whole lot down the hole into the river. This...happens in the book, but it takes a lot longer and shows Bilbo's cleverness in sneaking the dwarves out. In the movie, this is a rip roaring action sequence that would also make a pretty fantastic amusement park ride. The problem? It goes on forever and is even MORE ridiculous than the chase sequence through the Goblin City in the previous film, and that is saying something. There's elves and chasing and orc murder and tossing weapons and Bombur turns into some sort of dervish in a barrel for a little while and...sigh. It just goes on and on forever.

To sum up, dwarves and company escape, and somewhere in all this mess we see a different movie I call "Wizards and Orcs Do Stuff". Gandalf and Radaghast investigate the prison of the Nine and find that they have all broken free and gone to Dol Guldor. Gandalf and Radaghast go there to investigate, and Gandalf decides to break the spell of concealment on the place, sending Radaghast away. Also, Boss Orc the Orc Boss has been recalled there, and sent Bolg to hunt the dwarves instead. Because reasons, I guess. Something about him being the chosen leader? Whatever. Gandalf does a lot of cool magic, fights off some orcs, and then Wizard Fights with Sauron. Gandalf ends up in a cage, again. This movie is cut to several times during the film, but that's pretty much what happens in this better film. Back to the (sigh) dwarves.

They meet Bard, and hire him to smuggle them into Lake Town. Bard is a poor, but honest man of the people, who is trying to help the commoners overcome the hardships brought on by the corrupt government of the Master of the Town, and his toady, uh, Totally Not Wormtongue. Blah blah blah smuggling, blah blah blah, downtrodden, whatever. We also learn that the Black Arrow is not only one of many, but also actually ballistae ammunition (Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?????). Bard finds out that Thorin is Thorin, who has just been captured trying to steal weapons from the armory, after Kili falls on his bum and poisoned leg that he got during the barrel chase. Thorin speaks grandly, Bard yells about how that will just bring the dragon, Thorin tells him to piss off (noticing a theme here), and the Master of the Town welcomes them with open arms. Meanwhile, back with the elves, Legolas and Femgolas find out that Kili is poisoned, and she runs out to save him, with Legolas after. The dwarves set off for the mountain, but Kili, Bofor, Fili, and, uh, Doc all stay behind because Kili is For Reals Sick, and they end up at Bard's house. GOT ALL THAT? Jesus, for a 2.5 hour movie, it sure does rush through shit.

The dwarves manage to climb a very nice set piece to where they think the door is, and then essentially give up after the most minor of setbacks, to the point of just dropping the key. Bilbo tells them to sack up, and manages to figure out that the "last light of Durin's Day" meant "the moonlight". Do I even need to say Whaaaaaaaat? again? The dwarves send Bilbo down to see Smaug, while some orcs sneak into Laketown to kill Kili and Company. There is a wacky fight scene. Back to Bilbo and the actual good part of this film. Down in the depths, he finds the giant huge treasure hoard, and then finds Smaug sleeping under it. He uses his ring for about 20 seconds before just giving up on that shit, because trying to talk to Smaug with the "RingWavy" filter on was too much effort. Smaug is actually pretty damn cool, and I'll be honest, I was kind of rooting for him at this point as one of the few characters that stayed true to the books.

Smaug basically says "I'm a dragon, I'm a Dragooooon, Suck My DIIIIIIIICK, I'M A DRAAAAAGOOOOON!" while Bilbo tries to pick up the Arkenstone. Smaug also susses out Thorin's Actual Make Sense Plan, and tells Bilbo that it's probably not the best of ideas, given the whole dragon thing. Then he tries to kill Bilbo. Bilbo sensibly runs, and meets Thorin, who starts to threaten him for the Arkenstone (shades of Boromir in The Fellowship of the Ring, actually), when Smaug demands all of their attention.

Ugh, this movie is super long, so I'm going to whirlwind through it. Orcs fight in Laketown, Legolas and Femgolas kill most of them, Femgolas heals Kili, who professes feverish love for her. It's...kind of dumb. The rest of the dwarves and Bilbo execute an amazing plan to use molten gold to kill Smaug. This is two things: First, it is totally the "hero" moment for all the dwarves, because in the book their plan is "show up and hope", so I don't mind it as much. Second, it is the single most contrived thing that has ever been shown on screen. Here is what has to happen. The forges need to be lit, so the gold can be melted, which is then sent through channels to a giant mold that resides in the Hall of Kings, and Smaug needs to be in front of it so that the dwarves can crack the mold and dump the gold on him. To get to the forges, the dwarves split up while being chased by Smaug, and taunt him into using his fire breath on them, which lights the forges when they hide behind the slats in a giant metal portcullis. Bombur begins using a giant bellows to fan the fires to melt the gold. Thorin sends Bilbo to pull a lever which will release water that will both put out Smaug's fire temporarily, and also start the waterwheels turning which will move the ore carts and enable some of the channel mechanisms. The dwarves use the ore carts to distract Smaug, while Balin prepares canisters of gunpowder (!!!) to distract and enrage Smaug. Thorin opens the channels to let the molten gold flow, and then throws a wheelbarrow into the gold to ride it to the Hall of Kings, leaving Bilbo to lead Smaug there as well. Smaug tries to kill Bilbo, but Thorin taunts him into approaching the cast, and the mold is broken, leaving a giant golden dwarf standing there ever so briefly before the molten gold splashes over Smaug covering him and the Hall in molten gold. Smaug walks it off, and goes to destroy Laketown. The end.

By any sane account, each of these folks should have died 30 times over executing this long, complex, nigh impossible plan. Look, I've tried on the fly complex plans in combat situations against powerful foes before during my gaming experiences, and usually they devolve into "rush 'em and pray" because even with the most intense planning, they fall apart so very easily. How in the HELL did Thorin know about the statue being "all but cast" and somehow, in the 30 seconds he must have had, spill this plan to the rest of the dwarves and Bilbo, in addition to surviving extremely close encounters with molten gold and dragon fire. It was an incredible action sequence, but it was completely and totally so far over the top as to go back under and go over the top a second time. What the everloving fuck did I just watch?

On the FACE Rating System, this movie gets 3 frowny faces. It had some really impressive visuals, and the action sequences were spectacular, but it suffers from a myriad of pacing problems, wild departures from even what the "moviefied" version of this book should be, several plot cul-de-sacs, a pointless romance set up, a completely unnecessary social commentary about corrupt politicians, and a level of cartoonishness and ridiculousness that is even more outrageous than anything in the original Lord of the Rings Trilogy could throw at us. Holy Shit This Fucking Film. I feel as though I wasted 2.5 hours of my life, and while middle films are often a bit of marking time in film trilogies, this film is the worst aspects of that ten fold. I am incredibly disappointed and you should be too.