Kotas Reviews Hardee's Froot Loops Doughnuts

As the father of a 1st grader, fast food restaurants feature prominently in our regular "going out to eat" rotation. I'm not proud of that fact, but my child genuinely enjoys going to various fast food joints to eat mass produced culinary crimes against humanity. To be fair, so do I as my regular reader can tell you. Thus whenever a new "gimmicky" thing comes about, I do my best to give it a whirl. Especially the desserts. Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a look at Hardee's Froot Loop Doughnuts.

Gloriously colored!

It's no secret that I love doughnuts. This blog has a number of doughnut related entries over the...7 years I've been writing here. Further, I also love a good bowl of cereal, enjoyed as a dinner experience as often as it is breakfast. So when Hardees announced they were putting these two things together, I rushed right out and...totally missed the first time this was offered. In August of 2018, this item hit the streets and I...didn't. I couldn't tell you why I didn't immediately seek it out, since I happen to enjoy Froot Loops, but it didn't happen. Luckily for me, one of my friends tipped me off that it was headed back to stores and lo and behold, I was finally able to find it again! My gain is your...gain? I guess? Whatever, onto the review!

A less flattering arrangement.

Sadly, my local Hardees did not put these in the special box that were advertised, but I'll be honest, it is precisely the kind of box you'd expect Froot Loops doughnuts to come in. Opening this inferior yet still serviceable box I was immediately struck with the overwhelming scent of Froot Loops cereal. Boy howdy did they get that right. The flavor of each doughnut, while they look like they should be different ones, is exactly like a doughnut laced with Froot Loops flavoring. Each color tasted the same as every other color, just like real Froot Loops. I mean, it is truly amazing how they distilled that flavor into doughnut form. However, the doughnut portion of this is where it kinda falls apart. For it does taste of Froot Loops, but it tastes of STALE Froot Loops. I don't know if it is endemic to the whole line or just my particular serving, but these were not soft and delightful doughnuts. They were instead stale, crumbly doughnuts that also carried a perfect Froot Loop flavor. The mouth feel is of eating stale bread, and not great, despite the overwhelming sweetness of the Froot Loop essence. They were, at best, "okay". 

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 Frowny Face. Kudos to Hardees for being able to absolutely replicate the smell and flavor of Froot Loops for a doughnut, but 50 DKP minus for the doughnut itself being completely sub par. I think that if these were fresh, they would be much, MUCH better. If you think your particular outlet of Hardees/Carl Jr's would have them fresh, definitely try them. If, like me, you have no confidence in this fact, don't bother. Just go eat a box of Froot Loops and weep for what could have been. 

Kotas Reviews Jelly Donut Oreos

National Doughnut Day has come and gone. Ostensibly a holiday to celebrate the glory of the humble doughnut, it's really just a marketing scheme cooked up to push delicious fried dough treats into your food hole by several corporate entities who seek to make a profit off of doughnut awareness. What better way to celebrate than a corporate entity producing a shameless cash in variant of its signature product? Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Jelly Donut Oreos.

Sure, why the fuck not.

Honestly? I'm not a huge fan of jelly doughnuts. This is not to say that filled doughnuts aren't enjoyable, but the jelly filling used in most commercial doughnuts is less like jelly and more like a robot's version of what it think jelly should taste like, soullessly extruded from various nozzles to satisfy its cruel human masters. They are okay, is what I'm saying. Still, I can honestly say I've never felt the need for a cookie version of this, even if my beloved Oreos are so desperately trying to make me love them by including a doughnut flavor. I mean, their Cinnamon Bun Oreos were pretty tasty, so maybe pastry lightning can strike twice? Let's find out!

That's lookin' real good there Lou.

The packaging is nice, though I wonder at the efficacy of specifically pointing out the "jelly flavored center", when it is plainly obvious what it is supposed to be. The scent is vaguely chemically flavored sugar-ish, with an unrecognizable yet still "berry-ish" overtone. Honestly, I'm not that impressed with the look of these things. I don't know what they were going for, but what they got was "Golden Oreo that someone used to stop the bleeding from a shaving cut", and that's not super appetizing. Seriously, this is some lazy ass shit right here. Take Golden Oreo, drip a few drops of "jelly essence" into it, and bam, charge $2 extra for the privilege.

The flavor is a forsaken wasteland of "meh". Basically, it tastes like it looks: Like a Golden Oreo that someone dripped a melted Jolly Rancher on, and oh man is this flavor not good. It's not poison, and I didn't gag. It's not even "okay". The package sits untouched by me or my spouse for over a week. Even my kid has only asked for one, though it may just be she forgets they are there. I don't care for Golden Oreos much anyway, because the "vanilla" cookie just doesn't have the same robustness of the chocolate, and the vanilla creme really needs a contrast, not a compliment to work. This is all of that with some shitty jelly-esque nonsense on top. What a waste of everyone's time.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 2 Frownie faces. A meh cookie with a lazy gimmick that sucks leads to much disappointment. There is nothing doughnut like about it anyway. Unless you feel like eating someone's mistake, stay the hell away from these and get some actual good cookies.

Kotas Reviews Summer Seasonal Doughnuts

Last Friday, in honor of National Doughnut Day I went to Dunkin Doughnuts and bought a dozen to share with Charlotte and my in-laws. They did not have my favorite doughnut from Dunkin (Chocolate Glazed), but they did have a couple of "Flavors of the Month": Key Lime Pie and Lemonade, two similar takes on the concept of the filled doughnut. I sampled both. Here is my review.

The Key Lime Doughnut is their standard filled doughnut base, with a lightly lime flavored thick glaze, sprinkled with graham cracker bits, and filled with what I assume is supposed to be key lime filling. The lime glaze is actually quite tasty, with the graham cracker bits taking just a bit of the edge off the sweetness. The rest of the doughnut is okay, and the filling tastes a lot like artificial key lime flavoring. I give it one smiley face. I'd eat it again, but it will not become a regularly indulged in item.

The Lemonade Doughnut is similar in appearance, but falls down in execution. It is their standard lemon-filled doughnut, with a thick vanilla glaze (if it was supposed to be lemon flavored, it failed) topped with what can only be described as "crunchy lemon-flavored bits". The "bits" were chalky and tasted only vaguely of lemon, while the vanilla and lemon flavors clashed when taken as a whole. The filling was their standard lemon filling and due to the extreme sweetness of the glaze ends up being very bland. I give it one frowny face because it is really hard to fuck up a doughnut,, and while it isn't god awful, it took a perfectly fine doughnut type and made it meh.