Kotas Reviews the Loaded Taco Burrito

Taco Bell is one of those places where every 3 months or so they come out with a "new" product, which is really just a new combination of their standard ingredients. I mean, what is a Double Decker Taco other than just a regular taco with a soft taco coating? The "Triple Double" Crunch Wrap is just a Crunch Wrap with a bigger portion of the same old crap scooped into it. So what happens when Taco Bell has zero fucks left to give? Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at the Loaded Taco Burrito.

They just didn't care. Though, really, what were you expecting? A unicorn?

This is a triumph of either laziness or not giving the least shit about how people perceive them. I mean, it is literally the Taco Burrito. Taco Bell isn't exactly "authentic" Mexican food, but they at least paid lip service to the idea that it was based on real recipes or styles of Mexican food. This? This is "eh, fuck it. Cram a taco into a burrito and call it good". Even the advertisements assume you already thought of this and that Taco Bell is just "crazy" enough to do it. I admit that ordering this made me feel like I was in a "show within a show" or at least in this case, a commercial inside a show. This is something the Simpsons writers from 10 seasons ago would come up with to mock the very idea of stunt food, and yet...here we are. Let's eat!

OM NOM NOM

Well, this is another case of something being "exactly what it says on the tin". This was in fact the contents of a Taco Supreme, along with some "crispy tortilla strips", in a burrito. "Meat", lettuce, cheese, tomato and yes, even a bit of the ol' sour cream, with a bit of crunch in a convenient tortilla wrapper. And you know what? It was actually pretty good! I mean, sure, it's just a Burrito Supreme with a few tortilla strips in it, but it totally worked! They add a bit of body and texture to an otherwise humdrum food experience, and the price was right at $1.49 (at my local location anyway). See? Sometimes good things come from not giving a shit.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets a Smiley Face. It is not my favorite Taco Bell Product but it's a fairly filling item at a good price. If you like Taco Bell food (and yeah, I realize that doesn't apply to a lot of you) definitely pick one up to try. This will not change your opinion on Taco Bell though, so don't expect miracles. It is a testament to how recklessly not caring can result in a good thing. Not a great thing, but good.

Kotas Reviews the Taco Bell Naked Chicken Chalupa

Ah February, the month where we are supposed to focus all of our romantical feelings into a single day that happened on Tuesday. So I guess we're done with that, eh? Well, not quite. You see, occasionally a person will get a hankerin' for something a bit scandalous. A little risque. Perhaps showing off the goods a little more than usual. Or just baring what hasn't been bared before. Then a large corporation tries to resurrect a stunt food product that someone else came up with years ago. Ladies, Gentlemen, Voyeurs of all Appropriate Ages, let's take a long, hungry gaze at...the Taco Bell Naked Chicken Chalupa.

Now, now...no need to be coy. Let's get a bit more comfortable.

Way back in the ancient days of 2010, KFC introduced the tragicomic sandwich known as the Double Down, which is a Double Decker Chicken Bacon Cheese Sandwich, hold the Bun. Seriously, it's two chicken fillets with cheese, bacon, and "secret sauce" (OOOOH MYYYYY) on it. It is a greasy, caloric bomb of a food product, and you bet yer ass I tried it. TL;DR - It was okay, I guess. Nothing special. Still, it was incredibly popular, got a LOT of media attention, and is now a permanent menu item. So clearly it was a success.

I'm sure none of this was on Taco Bell's mind when they came up with this product, right? To be fair, Taco Bell is basically the Stunt Food King right now, with its myriad of taco reshells (ha), Whatevercharitos, and the Doritos Loco Everything, so I guess this makes sense....still, it is a shameless ripoff, er "homage" to what came before it and is a spin on the idea of "what if the bread product was instead a meat product?". Let's take a look at it. And yes, I'm using my Hungry Gaze.

Try not to drool too much folks, you know you love it.

Alright, I have to admit it actually looks pretty much like the advertising pictures. Just a chicken patty, folded up, with taco-ish stuff inside. Said Taco Stuff is basically tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, and some sort of spicy sauce. It comes in a little cardboard holder to keep it together, and also serves as way to hold this thing while eating it and, in theory, not get your hands greasy. Let's sink our teeth in!

Actually, the flavor isn't bad. It's certainly "fast food fried chicken" but the sauce is decent and the toppings add some nice variety to each bite. That said, it's still nothing particularly special. I've had this sauce before, this chicken before, and these toppings before. It's perfectly fine, but it's not "Oh Em Gee Look at this Cray Cray sammie ya'll" kind of stuff. The presentation is solid, though they could have just as easily called this the "naked chicken taco" instead of "chalupa". In fact, I'm pretty sure this resembles a chalupa only in "vague outline" sort of ways. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets Zero Completely Nude Faces. It's fine, I suppose, but I could take it or leave it. If you enjoy stunt food and you enjoy Taco Bell, it's not a bad thing to eat. However, it won't exactly blow you away or anything. It's perfectly fine. And thus perfectly average. Still, I did feel a little naughty eating it, which shows you the power of advertising.

Kotas Reviews Taco Bell's AM Crunchwrap

Good news everyone! Taco Bell has introduced a breakfast menu! At least, Taco Bell assures me this is a good thing, and in no way a culinary abomination sent to punish our digestive systems for the current healthy eating trend. I'm sure it will be fine! I freakin' LOVE breakfast food, and the more ridiculous the concept the more I want to give it a whirl. There is nothing wrong with this plan, and only good things can come of it.

Since I am trying not to completely ruin myself, I narrowed my choices to sample what is probably the second oddest offering available: The AM Crunchwrap. For the uninitiated, the Crunchwrap is a flat hard taco shell, topped with various standard Taco Bell toppings (ground beef like product, something resembling chicken, lettuce, tomatoes, etc) all wrapped in a flour tortilla and grilled shut. It's not bad as far as Taco Bell goes, but can they pull off a breakfast-y version? Let's find out!

This looks...like food. Dig that malformed hexagonal shape!

This one looks like it was assembled with less care.

Well, it certainly smells like breakfast, anyway. From the outside, it is going to resemble any old boring Crunchwrap, but we know its terrible secret. BEHOLD!

The be-steaked HORROR!

The sausage edition is only slightly less horrifying to view.

I went for the steak edition, while my long suffering wife decided the sausage version was more her style. I sampled both...uh...for Science! I do suffer for my work. The steak version was probably the blandest breakfast food I've ever had in my life. It wasn't bad, exactly, but it lacked anything resembling unique and interesting taste, with one exception. The hashbrown steamed a bit inside and was less crunchy than I would have liked. The eggs were standard fast food eggs, and the steak was an almost flavorless chewing exercise. The one bright spot was some sort of Southwestern-esque sauce that had some spice (and salt) in it. Really perked up everything around it, but it was only in a small part of the thing. I tried putting some sort of salsa condiment on it, and while that did add flavor, it was only the flavor of salsa. The salsa itself wasn't bad, but I could have skipped the Crunchwrap and gotten a similar experience.

The one bite of the sausage version was infinitely better, as the sausage was nicely spiced and added some much needed salt to the egg and hashbrown. The sauce on it added a bit of kick and was actually good, as far as fast food breakfasts go. Both items were pretty filling, given it's potatoes, eggs, and meat (or "meat" if you will). I sincerely regret not getting the Waffle Taco instead of this, and hope to someday sample that creation. 

Overall, I'd give the Steak AM Crunchwrap 2 frowny faces on the FACE Rating System. The best thing I can say about it is that it did not taste bad, but only because it didn't really taste like anything and was a crushing disappointment. The Sausage Edition was much, MUCH better, earning a single smiley face, if only because it counteracted the terror of the Steak version. If you are the rare person who loves breakfast AND Taco Bell, give this a whirl...but stick to the Sausage Edition. Or the bacon one. I mean, it's bacon! How bad could it be, right? 

Kotas Reviews the Cool Ranch Dorito Loco Taco

So, Taco Bell is expanding their Dorito Taco line with the ever popular "Cool Ranch" flavor. In a fit of laziness and weakness, on Tuesday I was able to sample this unholy creation.

If you've had the original Dorito Taco, you know mostly what to expect: A taco in a cardboard holder, designed to prevent it from cracking and crumbling too much. Thing is? It is not really needed here. With the nacho cheese flavored version, the shell itself was basically a weird-shaped Dorito, which is to say, not the best option for an edible food container. Thus it would basically shatter and fall apart after the first bite.

The Cool Ranch version is a different sort of beast. Rather than take a Dorito and make a taco shell out of it, they've taken their standard taco shell and just dusted it with Cool Ranch seasoning. Like any meh sequel, it takes the original concept, makes it cheaper, and hopes the audience won't notice. Well, I Noticed. There is an upside though. Standard taco shells at Taco Bell are less prone to cracking these days, and this incarnation didn't shatter at all.

Flavor wise, it's not bad. The Cool Ranch taste comes through a little stronger than the nacho cheese flavor did in the original, but the taco's standard flavor overwhelms it after a few bites. I happen to like the food substance that we call Taco Bell tacos, so this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it certainly makes you question if this "premium" upgrade is worth it.

On a scale of 5 frowny faces to 5 smiley faces (The McLaughlin Scale), I give this 0 faces. It's not terrible, but it seems a little half assed. It also does not solve the problem of its predecessor: The taco flavor negates all lesser flavors.