Kotas Reviews the Lunchables Dirt Cake

Lunchtime has always been a source of wonder, disgust, and terrible food choices since the first human crawled out of his cave and slapped a slice of mammoth loaf on a pottery tray for their kid to eat. The late 80s saw a set of new contenders for the hearts and stomachs of kids and moms appear: The Lunchables. Today we examine a degenerate offshoot of what was once at least something resembling a meal. Let's take a look at the Lunchables Dirt Cake.

HORROR.

Lunchables were conceived of as a vehicle for selling more bologna. No really, that's why they were created, at least according to Wikipedia. The original packages had three things in them: Crackers, something resembling cheese, and slices of bologna, ham, or turkey. These things were ubiquitous at lunch time during the early 90s, but they weren't considered particularly good or bad. To jazz things up, Oscar Meyer began including all sorts of gimmicks: Make Pizza! Make Hot Dogs! Get Candy! Get a Soda! And so on, and so forth until they were called out for basically being almost the unhealthiest thing you could shove in a child's craw apart from a scoopful of beef tallow. They've since scaled it back to slightly less terrifying combinations...and yet, we have today's subject.

Let's talk about gummy candy for a bit: Why in the HELL do people think this tastes good with chocolate? It doesn't. EVER. Gummy candy is pretty tasty, in fact it may be the second most flavorful plastic on the face of the earth (the first being Twizzlers, of course). This does not mean it goes well with cookie crumbs or chocolate pudding! But enough of my ranting, what's in the box?

BEHOLD YOUR NIGHTMARE

Seriously people. Gummy worms are used in dirt cakes as DECORATION and ACCENT. Not as a primary component of the experience! Can no one else see this? Whatever, let's get this over with. This package contains several gummy worms, a splort of what claims to be chocolate marshmallow frosting, and a heap of very small Oreo crumbs. The idea here is to dip the gummy worm in the frosting, then in the cookie crumbs, then eat it yourself. I suppose a child might find this appetizing, but I did not. Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoy a good dirt cake. I may have eaten three heaping bowls of it the last time I was served it, an action I do not regret (much). But this? This was no boating acci...dirt cake. 

I cannot stress enough how making the gummy worms the primary flavor component fucks up the concept of the dirt cake. Gummy and chocolate are not a match made in heaven, it's a match made in Heck. The plastic-y super chemical fruit-ish flavor of the gummy worm catastrophically collides with the chocolate and "something that tries to be marshmallow but totally isn't" flavor of the frosting. The super chewy texture, the WHOLE REASON for gummy candy to exist, clashes with the particulated crunch of the cookie crumbs in an utter failure of taste sensations. On top of it all, it lacks the binding creaminess of a real dirt cake to keep the chocolate and cookie elements in balance. I even tried eating the components separately. The gummy worms were nothing special, though they weren't bad. The frosting was not chocolate nor marshmallow so much as "something chocolate-ish, maybe" and was way too sweet. The crumbs were crumbs, and were stale crumbs on top of everything else. Ugh.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 3 Frowny Faces. You took a bit part and made it the star of a show, and then half-heartedly tossed the other bits onto the stage wily-nilly. I applaud the creativity of the idea, but the execution was a total bomb. Please do better next time, Oscar Meyer. I believed in you, and THIS is how you repay me. For Shame!