So, yesterday I went to Dollywood which I have never been to in all my time of living in East Tennessee. To get there, we drove through Pigeon Forge. Pigeon Forge is a Tourist Trap to end all Tourist Traps, with an aesthetic that vacillates between "tacky" and "really, really tacky". The "redneck stereotype" is also embraced as a source of comedy and/or pride way more than I thought was possible on this Earth. It's like if the Blue Collar Comedy Tour decided to open a series of Outlet Malls.
There were a number of interesting shops and buildings I saw. So interesting/amazing/what-the-fuckery that I nearly drifted out of the lane I was driving in in amazement. The first thing was the World's Largest Knife Emporium. It had a billboard that just said "GET A KNIFE!" Like it was ordering you to get one, and only WLKE would do! Then there was a series of shops with "Kewl" misspellings the most egregious of which was "Sexy Stuf". Not. A. Typo. Next up where the dinner theater places. Dinner Theater is surprisingly common in Pigeon Forge. Think "Medieval Times, with rednecks". Of note: Hatfield & McCoy Feuding Dinner & Show, Feuding Lumberjack Show, and Dixie Stampede. Special hat tip to the Hatfield and McCoy building which looked like two co-joined houses imported from ToonTown. There were lots of places to buy antiques (read: Garbage foisted off on folks), though surprisingly few liquor stores that noticed.
There's a lot of restaurants that advertise "Old Fashioned Southern Cooking". To those who don't know this essentially means "Fried Food with some Vegatable-esque sides rendered unhealthy in a variety of butter-based methods, in large portions." We ate at one of the more subdued places called the Apple Barn, which is near a Winery. The food was actually quite good, though the salad came from the finest of plastic bags and the soup was essentially thrown together. The apple fritters we got instead of the "before dinner bread" were fucking divine, and the country fried steak was excellent. I enjoyed the turnip greens because they were boiled with a very tasty piece of ham, just the way God intended. We could have also supped at a v. small chain of pancake houses called "Flapjacks", but no one else would go with me.
You eventually pass by the "Wilderness at the Smokies Water Resort", which I first mistook for a candy factory, given the number of brightly colored swirling tubes that emerge from it. This is essentially a giant hotel that his half indoor water park. Water parks have become very popular in East Tennessee, including Dollywood Splash Country (or Spalsh Country as our GPS told us). I did not visit here, but someday I'm sure I will. Several other hotels had water themes, with a small water slide or two. One place just had a "many fountains" kind of splash park area.
Ripley's Believe It or Not...uh, company I guess? is a big player in this area with several attractions like a Haunted Museum, Aquarium, and Odditorium (not a typo). These are some of the classier establishments too. Miniature Golf is Very Popular as well, with Ripley's in on that action. But there's Hillbilly Golf, Adventure Golf, some "Indiana Jones-esque" Golf, and so on. There were no less than three "motor sport-ish" areas, the most prominent of which was NASCAR themed. MagiQuest (read: Highly Monetized Kiddie LARP-ish Experience) had a building, along with several places offering a variety of Lazer Tag arenas. I was in fact surprised that I did not see a Paintball place or an AirSoft place, but it is possible I just missed them in all the chaos.
Dollywood may as well be the "Least Diverse Place on Earth". I think I saw 20 non-white people all day. On the other hand, I saw two women in long burka-esque attire and no one blinked or stared or even acknowledged anything was different, so that was neat. Dollywood is a very well laid out amusement park, or at least the parts I saw were. All the large avenues are shaded and where there isn't shade, there are usually fans and/or misters to help keep cool. There are plenty of benches and whatnot to sit on, and shops and snack stands are plentiful. I did have a hard time finding a restroom once or twice, so be sure to keep an eye out for them.
We rode 3 rides and did one "interactive thing" while we were there: 2 full on roller coasters, one indoor coaster attraction, and the Adventure Mountain, which I'll get into later. The first coaster we rode was the new one for 2012: The Wild Eagle. Its claim to fame is that the coaster seats are on the sides of the rail car, rather than on top of the rail (a Wing Coaster, if you will). The line wasn't too long (mostly waiting so they could put a second rail car in circulation), and the coaster itself was pretty dang cool. The initial drop was steeper than I expected, and I came off my seat for a little bit, though of course the safety harness thing wasn't letting me go anywhere. This was also the ride that made me think "I probably shouldn't have worn my glasses" as I was afraid they would fly off a few times.
The second coaster was the "Tennessee Tornado". This is a pretty standard metal coaster, but it has some nice twists and turns and is longer than I expected. One of the drops is pretty impressive, and they take a picture of how stupid you look when you pass by. My picture looked like my face was stuck on "Grimace". I did not buy it, of course. Because it was a weekday, none of the lines were impossibly long or even all that annoying, so that was a positive thing.
The third thing we did was called Adventure Mountain, or as I like to call it, Mass Market Ropes Course. This is an impressive structure that is 3-4 stories high, and has people crawling all over it. The "wait vs. time riding" ratio is very good on this one, though you have to wait and get settled into your harness. My sister-in-law's husband kept trying to put on his harness himself (and he could, as he uses these things every day), but they kept redoing it, presumably for insurance purposes. Once beharnessed, you are attached to your safety line thing, which is then snapped into the "rail system", which allows you nigh on free movement amongst the various courses via a giant metal grid system that ensures you are always attached to the frame at all times, no matter what. There are also guides along the way in case there are any issues whatsoever. There are three different paths to take, but they are all about the same: You get to a platform, and there are 3 to 4 options to get to the next platform, with varying degrees of difficulty ranging from "walk across a bridge" (essentially skipping this section of the ropes course) to "why the hell am I doing this" (single rope, one v. tiny guide rope, and your safety line". As far as ropes courses go it's pretty subdued, with nothing terribly unexpected or amazingly difficult. Highlights include a balance beam over basically nothing but "park patrons", the "rope of unfriendly to short people", and my personal nemesis, the "you are going to get sprayed with water because we fucking hate dry people" area. One section goes over a little fake waterfall, with geysers that look timed. I studied the pattern, and figured I had it down. Once I stepped out onto the rope (which was slippery from the water), the devilish thing sprayed me down but good. I really enjoyed this attraction and highly recommend it to anyone who visits Dollywood.
We decided to get some food. The food at Dollywood is exactly what you'd expect: Greasy, expensive, and requiring a long line to wait in. We elected to have some barbeque, and while it was decent, it was not worth what we paid for it. This is not to say there isn't food worth eating there. Exactly one place, some sort of Mill or something, has what is called Cinnamon Bread. It is a small loaf (think half a loaf of bread, maybe a touch smaller) coated in cinnamon and sugar. It cost $6 and I thought at first it was kind of a ripoff. THen I ate some. Holy Crap this stuff is awesome. I could eat loaves and loaves of it and be super fat all the time and die happy. Well worth the price, which is not something I say lightly. Charlotte and I split a loaf and it was gone in record time. So. Good.
We then stopped to watch the one show of the day that we actually saw: The Bird Show. Dollywood has a bird sanctuary where they take in birds that can't be released into the wild for one reason or another, usually injury or "they were raised by humans". The birds are all trained to do various tricks and take well to flash photography. We saw owls, and a kestrel, and a golden falcon, and of course, a Bald Eagle named America. It was a fun show, and the birds were gorgeous to look at. I recommend seeing this show if you are there.
There is a strong patriotic theme that runs through the whole park, as well as a slightly Christian overtone which should come as no surprise given we're in East TN. There's a chapel (with a Sunday Service), and lots of the gift shops have Christian themed knick-knacks. There are a few shops that pay lip service to "hand-crafted" things and some have demonstrations of iron work and candle making and so forth. None of it was bad per se, but none of it stood out as particularly interesting. Suffice it to say, it was there.
The last ride we rode, and my personal favorite, was the Blazing Fury, which has been at the park since 1978, when the park was known as Silver Dollar City. This makes this ride as old as I am, at 34 years old, which is kind of awesome. It is a full indoor coaster, kind of like a low rent Space Mountain, but fairly slow paced, as befits the area. As you go through the ride, you pass a number of animatronic scenes that were probably state of the art in 1958, and are laughably dated, yet they have a certain rustic charm. Eventually you reach the more impressive areas, which actually have some surprisingly (given this is indoors and dark) long drops and some "decent" (for certain values of decent) special effects. I found this ride to be very, very clever for what it is, and it was probably my favorite ride.
We did not see the vast majority of the park, due to long food lines and just being kind of tired by the end of the day. I really liked it, for what it is, and had a great time. If you are in the area, and you love campy things, Pigeon Forge and Dollywood are right up your alley. I will probably go back at some point.
It receives 3 smiley faces on a scale of 5 frowny faces to 5 smiley faces. Not perfect, but I enjoyed it.
