Kotas Reviews Dark Shadows

I took my parents to see Dark Shadows for their anniversary, because that is what they wanted. Bear in mind, I originally suggested we go see the Avengers, but they apparently "already done that".

So, what can I say about this film? A FUCKING LOT it turns out. First off, I did not hate it. No, really! I thought that some of the scenes were actually very well done, and there were even parts where I laughed. I can safely say that while I somewhat regret spending actual money on this film, I was at least entertained occasionally. Is it a GOOD movie? Hell no.

I won't go into the back story, because you either already know it, or you don't care. Suffice it to say, there were lots of nods to the original series and affectionate pokes at the culture of 1972. My parents really enjoyed a lot of the cultural dressing, because that was "their time". I think if I grew up in the era when this show was on, I would have gotten a lot more out of it. Anyway, the short, short setup is: Vampire Soap Opera Before It Was A Thing, from the 1970s.

Johnny Depp gives a remarkably entertaining performance as Barnabas Collins. The dialog he is given to work with ranges from awesomely retro to tiresomely predictable, but he always gives it the old college try and I did not feel like he phoned this in. Bella Heathcote as the Romantic Interest is sort of bland, but only because her character arc is utterly unnecessary to the plot of the story, but she tries her best.

Michelle Pfeiffer and Eva Green, as the Strong Female Semi-Protagonist and the Main Antagonist respectively, give decent performances. Nothing stood out as spectacular, but Eva seemed to be enjoying chewing the scenery with Depp in their lover's spats, and she can rock a red sequined dress with the best of them. The same cannot be said for the other Tim Burton Alumni Helena Bonham Carter, who plays Doctor Only In This To Set Up A Possible Sequel. No, I didn't ruin anything by saying that, but her performance was really, really weak in my opinion, and her side story added very little to the film, other than as setup to a few jokes that weren't that funny.

The other characters served only as one to two dimensional foils for a scene or two, and otherwise were nothing but walking pratfalls, sight gags, or exposition. The best of the lot is the cameo by Christopher Lee as a Grizzled Sea Captain, who is on screen for 5 minutes and delivers his silly, silly lines with gravitas that says "I was fucking Sauruman, and a better Dracula than YOU pretty boy!". Musical guest star Alice Cooper puts on a good show as well (though again, it has little to do with the plot and seems to only be there for the shit of it). The Hippie Brigade was also sort of fun, if only for one very special scene. Spoiler: They Smoke Weed.

Let's talk about the story. It's a soap opera that doesn't seem to know if it wants to play it straight or play it silly, or try to mix the two. The tone of the film is not very consistent, with many scenes that start off fairly lighthearted but take either a very DARK turn, or just go nowhere. The first time it happened was actually sort of interesting, as I thought it might mean the film was done screwing around and was gonna get really Gothic. Yeah, not so much. The main plot is pretty much as simple as it gets, but I just don't give a damn. Never at any point in the film am I concerned about the success or failure of any of the characters, good, bad, or indifferent. It's little more than a string of excuses for semi-supernatural hi-jinks or "oh, he's from the past, LOL" bullcrap. The "climax" of the film has some nice moments, but there's a LOT of odd things that get revealed and just come completely out of left field, presumably because it was based on a soap opera and that shit happens all the time in those. I had to ask myself WHY? Why was all this extra stuff shoved awkwardly in at the end? Was it for a very unfunny joke that was delivered? The payoff for something that was set up the whole film but ultimately lame as shit? Just for the hell of it? It's almost as if they left out a good 15 to 20 minutes of story, just so they could wrap the damn movie up. The ending is a non-ending, since you never actually find out what happens to any of the characters except Barnabas and the Love Interest, and the retarded sequel tie in (which is SO not gonna happen, ever).

Ultimately, I would say "watch this if you don't have to pay much money for it". It gets one smiley face on a scale of 5 frowny faces to 5 smiley faces, if only because I DID actually laugh a few times (very few times), I enjoyed a lot of the sets and costumes, and I've always liked Johnny Depp As Gothic Weirdo (See, Edward Scissorhands and Sleepy Hollow).