Kotas Reviews Burger King Cheesy Tots

Thanksgiving is a time of horrid excess, where one's main objective is eating yourself into some sort of coma so as to avoid your family while still in the same room with them. It's a glorious thing, really and a tribute to the American tendency to do a simple thing in the most convoluted of ways. Also, there's a lot of traveling associated with the holiday, and you know what that means! Fast food on the go! Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at something I found while stopping for a quick snack during the Thanksgiving slog: Burger King's Cheesy Tots.

I never knew they left, let alone came back!

It isn't a secret that I find tater tots to be one of the finest processed potato products that one can consume. There is just something super satisfying about a good tater tot: The crunchy exterior, the soft texture of the minced potato inside, coupled with a solid yet many creviced texture perfectly suitable for salt and sauce accumulation. I like tater tots is what I'm saying. Still, apart from Sonic, you don't often see tots on the menu at a fast food place. Could Burger King be looking for a way to better distinguish itself from its fellow burger slingers? Eh, probably. Tater tots sound tasty, right? As a topping, cheese is alright, so let's give these a whirl!

NOT LIKE THIS!

Well, those are not quite what I expected. They look less like tater tots and more like fried mac and cheese, which you can acquire on a stick at your local state fair. I mean, it resembles no tot I am familiar with, and the smell...the smell is distinctly NOT potato. It's sort of a vague savoriness, like...aerosoled umami, only, you know, shitty. I am highly dubious, but ONWARD!

Well, they taste like Styrofoam particles using gas station nacho sauce as a binder. It's gummy and paste like and only barely does it resemble either cheese or tot, and is certainly NOT a Cheesy Tot. They missed this flavor profile by a country mile and honestly made me question their conception of a "tater tot". Holy Jeez Burger King, these are gross!

On the FACE Rating System, these get 2 Frowny Faces. They taste bad, they look bad, they smell bad and they besmirch the good name of both cheese and tater tots. Whoever came up with these should be shunned from kitchens everywhere. You were warned.