Everything ever is being flavored with various things these days, though really that tradition goes back to the mists of time when Ug and Nug decided that their nightly raw meat would probably taste a bit better if they smeared it with mashed caterpillars. Milk appears to not really be much of a vehicle for flavors though, with the vast exception of "chocolate" flavor. Despite many attempts, the only flavors that have stuck are chocolate and, to a much lesser degree, strawberry. So why wouldn't Peeps give this a whirl? Today we look at Peeps Strawberry Creme Flavored Milk. Because I hate myself.
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| Yeah, this can't even. |
Come on Prairie Farms, what sort of substance were you on when you thought this one up? "So, let's take Peeps and mix them with milk!" "Strawberry Peeps?" "Sure, why the hell not. SHIP IT. *puff puff*". This is the stuff my dorm mates would come up with in that post exam haze that somehow mysteriously permeated their room, and yet...here it is. In a carton and on my counter top. What the actual shit. Let's crack it open. SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT!
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| DISQUALIFIED! |
Well, that was a resounding disappointment. I was expecting something, you know, more artificially pink in my glass, not "slightly pinkish milk". In my head, I saw it as basically a glass of Pepto-Bismol and what I got was...a glass of milk, I'm not even a fan of milk, unless it's chocolate. It does smell fake strawberry-ish, but how exactly is this Peep related? Peeps are marshmallows squashed into a vague "chick" shape and then covered in crystallized sugar. They never taste like anything beyond that and chemicals. Ever. Why was this chosen to go with milk again? Can anyone anywhere answer that? Eh, fuck it. Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everyone's gonna die. Let's drink.
Well, that was unexpected. It's...strawberry milk. Very Strawberry Quik-ish in flavor, if not color. It's just so...pedestrian. Where's the zany? I should be tasting the fakest, brightest pink (yes, pink, not strawberry or anything that passes for strawberry) flavor ever as I drink my neon pink unicorn piss, but instead, I'm drinking strawberry flavored, ever so lightly pink colored milk. This is like that time at the carnival when we got to see the two headed dog with only one head.
On the FACE Rating System, this gets 1 frowny face. It's certainly drinkable, but it promises way more than it delivers. You promised me the fucking moon Prairie Farms, and you got me a cheap t-shirt. Well, I'm gonna get my own strawberry milk! With...blackjack! And hookers! Eh, forget the whole damn thing.
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