Kotas Reviews Trader Joe's Pumpkin Tortilla Chips

Well, it's definitely Fall for real now. Its coming was heralded by brisk mornings, having to dig out your jacket, and pumpkin spice flavored everything. It also leads to more gatherings where you can sit outside in comfortable clothes and nice weather. In fact, it was one such party which is directly responsible for the review you are about to read. A co-worker's spouse noted I had a blog, and a few days later I was presented with today's subject, courtesy of that lovely person. I am certainly not one to refuse such a humble request, and this item intrigued me. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Trader Joe's Pumpkin Tortilla Chips.

Trader Joe has been hitting some weird shit lately.

Ah, Trader Joe's. They are the little gourmet grocery store that sort of can, since they carry a lot of what I would term 'quirky' foods and not very many mass market name brands. Still, I do love to get food from there is generally tasty. Fun fact, they are owned by Aldi's, which has been making some strides into my local area. Small world, eh? Whatever. Trader Joe's is known for its many many MANY self branded foods many of which have quirky names: Trader Joe Ohs being the name of their cereal brand. They also carry Charles Shaw wine, or "Two Buck Chuck" which is a cheap way to get wine drunk, even if it's more than two bucks these days. That brings us to today's offering.

The packaging is fairly plain, as is common for Trader Joe's stuff. Got the name of the store, the name of the product, and a photo of the actual product on the bag. Nothing too fancy, but I like honesty in packaging. These look like heavily spiced chips, and I predict they are sweet. Let's open it up!

Well, they aren't much to look at.

I'm not sure why tortilla chips needed ground pumpkin seeds added to the flour, or why it needed cinnamon and nutmeg spicing, but here we are in all our confusing glory. The scent upon opening the bag is distinctly Not Sweet, though there a touch of nutmeg and cinnamon in it. I guess they aren't meant to be sweet? The flavor is pretty much "corn chip", but with some extra nuttiness from the pumpkin seeds used and a subtle bit of nutmeg and cinnamon. There is zero sweetness here, but that's okay, it's mostly just a corn chip. The flavor isn't bad, it's just not particularly good either? It just sort of is. Corn chip with accent, if you will. I did like that on a few of the chips you can see fairly large pieces of pumpkin seed, so it's got that going for it.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 0 Faces. They are, in a word, chips. Eat them plain or with salsa if you like tortilla chips, avoid if you don't. The cinnamon and nutmeg flavors are there, but not really strong enough to make an impact. Much the same can be said for the pumpkin seed portion. It's there, but it's not spectacular, it's merely okay. Try them, or don't. 

Kotas Reviews Zone Perfect Pumpkin Spice Bars

They say that breakfast is the most important part of the day. My question is "who are they, and why do they promote breakfast with such single minded efficiency?" But we're not here to talk about that. Nope, the yearly Pumpkin Spice blight is upon us and all that entails. We've touched upon it many times on this blog, and today will shall do so again. Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a good old fashioned gander at Zone Perfect Pumpkin Spice Bars.

Now with flavor!

Zone Perfect has been a staple in my pantry for a number of years. They tend to be relatively inexpensive (for a meal replacement bar), go on sale regularly, and have a handful of decent to good flavors (though nothing particularly outstanding). So of course they had to come out with a Pumpkin Spice flavor, because if you have a lot of flavors, almost no one can resist the urge to give this one a go. The box art is okay. I like the little leaf designs, but the picture of the actual product below is highly uninspiring. Also, it cleaves to the tradition of "pumpkin spice" being represented by cinnamon and brown sugar on box art. Whatever, let's rip it open.

Looks like someone got really excited by the prospect of pumpkin spice.

Well, it looks pretty unappetizing, mostly resembling a granola bar that an overenthusiastic child glopped over with icing. It's not very attractive to the eye, is what I'm saying. Still, most people don't give three turkeys about the look, but want to know more about the flavor. Good thing I'm here to sum up: It's alright. It's not awful, but it doesn't really taste like pumpkin anything. It mostly tastes like a granola bar covered in stale icing. Why stale? It has this weird waxy...essence that makes it taste not good at all. It's tolerable, and I will finish the box, but I would never eat these again.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets a single Frowny Face. It's not good, but it isn't poison or pointless. It's just not well done. If you take all your flavor queues from competitors with shitty flavorings, your flavorings will taste bad too. Give these a hard pass. I don't care how into pumpkin spice you are. I think I can safely say at this point that Starbucks got it right, and everyone else has utterly failed to recapture that magic. Let's maybe move on to other things, okay?

Kotas Reviews Lindt Lindor Pumpkin Spice Milk Chocolate Truffles

Well friends, we are coming to the close of another Pumpkin Spice season. It still reigns supreme in the Fall Flavors Smackdown despite some serious competitors. But that doesn't mean this old dog of a taste can learn some new tricks. And some "almost fancy" ones at that. Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a gander at Lindt Lindor Pumpkin Spice Milk Chocolate Truffles.

Is it Lindt or Lindor? Does anyone know? Oh wait, that's the PRODUCT...

Lindt is a Swiss Chocolate maker and they mostly sell individually wrapped truffles. They come in a wide variety of flavors and are no stranger to Limited Edition ones depending on the season. I tend to think they are good, but not great. Other chocolate makers make better truffles, but most of the better ones don't come in easy to share pre-wrapped versions, so you know, these are a staple of my holiday gifting and consumption. I guess they decided it was time to break into that lucrative "Fall Candy" market by coming out with these Pumpkin Spice editions.

The packaging is pretty distinctive. Each flavor in the Lindor line gets a specific color, so it's not a surprise that Orange would be for the pumpkin spice version. I also really like the leaf motif that accents the bag. This is also one of the few "fancy candies" to have a clear bit so you can see a visible measure of your shame. Moving on!

A vicious murder, observed by a bystander.

Yep, it's a chocolate truffle all right. Lindt chocolate has always had a very waxy feel to it and these somehow feel even waxier to the touch. The scent has some hints of pumpkin and nutmeg, but otherwise is just milk chocolate. Slicing it open reveals chocolate truffle filling that is surprisingly NOT orange, but definitely smells like it's been flavored. The taste is pretty good, a little waxy, but very smooth chocolate with some notes of pumpkin and "spice". Mostly, I taste chocolate but you can definitely tell that it has a flavor and that they tried. Nice work, really.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets a single Smiley Face. While they may not be my favorite chocolate, Lindt Lindor Truffles are nigh ubiquitous and this flavor does justice to the concept of Pumpkin Spice. It's not cloying or overwhelming, but it makes itself known on the tongue. If you like Lindt truffles, give these a try and you will probably like them. If you hate pumpkin spice and all things flavored with it, these will not change your opinion.

Kotas Reviews Apple Pie Oreos

We're deep into fall now my hearties! At least, I THOUGHT we were, until this touch of summer came back to haunt us. Damn it, Summer. Let Autumn have its turn! Still, the progress of food products continues, as we enter that most dreaded of flavor seasons, Pumpkin Spice. So screw that, let's have a pie! Or at least, something resembling pie? Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time we looked at Apple Pie Oreos.

As American as...uh, itself. I guess.

It's no secret that I love pie, and a well made apple pie is truly one of the pinnacles of piecraft. Still, apple is one of those flavors that, even when it's kinda bad, it's still pretty good. Plus, it hasn't really been "done" as a flavor much, with the more popular Green Apple and Caramel Apple flavors having their day in the sun. I like most any apple pie, though I concede it is often very difficult to eat in a convenient way if you are "sans flatware". If only there was some sort of way to get all that flavor into a small, portable package you could eat with just your hands! Oh wait...

Well, the packaging is pretty good. I would have expected the base color to be yellow, but the nice big ol' slice of apple pie stands out nicely from the blue. The little ribbon design stating these are Graham cookies (WHERE IS MY KEY LIME OREO NABISCO? WHERE?) calls back to pie contests and the cookie image...is there. Let's open it up.

Well, it's very..beige.

This is not the best color I've seen on a cookie. It's okay, but beige makes me think of "house about to be sold so any personality has to be covered by blandness". The scent is apple-graham-ish, which you know, makes sense. I guess the graham part is supposed to be a graham cracker crust, but apple pies aren't generally known for their graham cracker crust (KEY LIME PIE OREO! IT SCREAMS AT YOU NABISCO!). It is a better choice than the standard "vanilla" cookie, so let's just give them the benefit of the doubt here. How does it taste?

It does taste like apple pie, just not the apple pie you'd expect. So, a McDonald's apple pie is loosely a pie, and more a turnover. It also has a distinct "fake flavor" chemical taste along with the hyper sugarized apple taste. That is exactly what these cookies remind me of, so I guess mission accomplished? Is this actually what I wanted? I don't know, better eat a couple more. Also, my kid likes them, which is always a plus.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 0 Smiley Faces. They are in fact Apple Pie Cookies, though I don't think this is exactly what I had in mind when I envisioned an apple pie in cookie form. They are sweet, and different, but I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to get them, except maybe for a fall themed party or something like that. I've eaten a few, and I really see no need to eat any more, but they are different and who knows? Maybe you will love them.

Kotas Reviews the Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino

We are in a shining age of food promotion ladies and gentlemen. New exotic flavors of old favorites are being released, limited editions abound in the grocery aisles, and restaurants are feverishly trying to find the Next Big Thing that will bring you into their doors. All in pursuit of that ever shrinking "disposable income" slice of the economic pie. So, this takes us to our new trend. The Time Limited Edition. Let's take a look at that rarest of beverages...the Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino.

Fucking Majestic, right?

Starbucks is not known for its stunt foods. Other than the occasional seasonal offering that gets super popular for no reason (looking at you, Pumpkin Spice, uh, Everything!), Starbucks keeps the menu pretty stable and doesn't try too many "outrageous" promotional things. Until now that is. So, I don't know if you know about it, but "unicorn food" has been a food trend for a year (and since the New York Times is reporting on it, soon to no longer be a trend at all). The idea behind it is to take ordinary boring regular food and make it "magical" by adding an assortment of colorful dyes, marshmallows, sprinkles, or whatever to make it more cheerful or "unicorn-esque" if you will. Yeah, I don't get it either, but whatever. So this is the Conglomocorp Version of such a whimsical online trend, and boy howdy does it look it. 

Sprinklepocalypse!

So all of this leads us to the actual Frappucino itself. Well, it's brightly colored purple and blue, the sprinkles on top are cheerful, and who doesn't love whipped cream? This thing looks like something a unicorn would definitely excrete is what I'm saying. The chemical engineering here is incredible, and the visual is absolutely amazing. It is popular too, since I had to go to two different Starbucks to track one down. The closest Starbucks to my house ran out in a unicorn-based frenzy of purchases. Lucky for me, there's like 2 more Starbucks within 5 minutes of the first one I tried. At the second one, one of the baristas expressed disbelief in having a store run out of the things. She then proceeded to show me the box the various mixes came in. I left a good tip for her. Still, on with the show. Let's have a taste!
My initial sip was sort of meh. I was all "this is what people are raving about"? It was generically sweet, but it didn't have much flavor at all, which is NOT what I want from my purple-blue-besprinkled hallucination drink. So I gave it a tiny stir. Well howdy flavor, there you are! It tastes like a liquefied Sweet Tart, though occasional periods of "more sweet" and "more sour" occur as you drink it. I am given to understand it is made with a mango syrup at some point, but I tasted no hint of mango. There was a vaguely "berry-ish" overtone to both the sweet and sour portions, much more so with the sour, but it's the kind of fake flavor you get with "berry" flavored gummy snacks. The sprinkles on top are delightfully Warhead sour, for those of you familiar with the candy, and I enjoyed them very much. Once the drink blended a bit better, I enjoyed the heck out of it. I love sweet and sour candy and this hits all those marks effortlessly.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 2 Smiley Faces. It's a stunt food that basically manages to pull off the effect it is going for, and what it is going for is something I dig. I couldn't help but grin ear to ear when I was buying this because it looks so completely insane, and the flavor, while not insane, is unusual and delicious, if completely artificial. I rather liked this drink, and I may pick up another one before its time runs out. Only available until April 23, 2017, so get out there and get one before they are gone. Unless you hate Sweet Tarts, then totally skip this one. Still, I predict that if this is popular, it will be like the McRib. Something you only see periodically through the year, and something completely fabricated in a chemical plant.

Kotas Reviews Caramel Apple Oreos

Welcome to the end of our exploration of our Caramel Apple Week Series! I know the schedule's been a little irregular, but a lot of stuff has been going on, so I hope you will all cut me some slack. Still, to close out this exploration of Caramel Apple, we get the one you've all been waiting for, nay, expecting! Today we look at Caramel Apple Oreos.

Dun dun DUUUUUUN!

Well, that's some imagery right there, isn't it? Big, bold, and in your face, the packaging for these Oreos makes no bones about what you are getting. Also, we are definitely getting a sour apple variant this go around. At least, I think we are. Look at that green filling! I am not terribly impressed with the combination of "neon green and light brown" as colors here, but I suppose they get the point across. Of note is that this package, unlike every other package of limited edition Oreos, does not have the inviso-seal flap. I had to open this one the old fashioned way. Let's take a look inside.

And I thought they smelled good, on the outside!

I just don't particularly like the color scheme here, with the light brown. It's not very appetizing in a dessert, unlike in a more savory offering. I do know why they went with a vanilla cookie though, as chocolate might clash a bit. These cookies do smell amazingly like caramel and apple though, so that's a good sign. How do they taste?

They taste almost but not quite like caramel apple cookies, that's for sure. There is definitely a good fake sour apple flavor, and that is reflected in just eating the bright green filling by itself. Where this falls down though is with the caramel side. The light brown cream is "vaguely" caramel-ish, but not exactly and its generic sweetness kind of overshadows any distinct flavoring, in contrast to the bright green filling. The vanilla cookie offers nothing but a base flavor that doesn't mesh with either of these flavors, though it is ultimately non-offensive. It's an okay apple cookie that is overly sweet and has a strong scent of caramel and apple, but the flavor falls way short of the odor. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets zero faces. It's not a bad cookie, but it is definitely in the category of "A for effort, C in execution". If you are an Oreo fanatic, or have a fondness for the rarely found apple flavored cookie, you might go out and try these. Otherwise I would stick to the "if offered, give it a taste, but don't spend money on it" line of thinking.

Well, that's the end of Caramel Apple...something. I hope you've enjoyed this romp through disappointment and (in some cases) crushing tragedy. I think Pumpkin Spice is safe as the top flavor pairing of Fall for a long time to come. Maybe if some of these companies put some, you know, actual effort into their products (Nabisco excluded) they might have turned out better.

Kotas Reviews the Caramel Apple Milky Way

Welcome to a much delayed Day 2 of Caramel Apple Week! Once again we delve into the dark mysteries of the up and coming flavor challenger to the venerable and beloved Pumpkin Spice. Will it survive the marketing push that it is under? Nobody knows, but candy is a good place to get your caramel apple on since for a lot of candy you just have to add apple flavoring. Today we look at one such example: The Caramel Apple Milky Way.

Schmancy!

As a child one of my absolute favorite candy bars was the Milky Way (or Mars Bar as it's known everywhere else in the world). I was going through my "I don't like any kind of nut in any of my candy" phase and the Milky Way provided a nice, peanut free alternative to the otherwise ubiquitous Snickers bar. I have never lost my affection for them, but they tend to be a "fall back" candy when I want something comforting and familiar and not necessarily interesting. How does this one shape up?

The packaging is certainly a step up from the "brown and more brown" of the traditional Milky Way. Red stands out from other candy wrappers in this category nicely, and there's some pleasing art of caramel and apples, together. Let's see how these things look!

More like UnFun Size, amirite?

Yeah, pretty much what I expected. As an aside, why are these tiny bits of candy called "Fun Size"? Was "miniature" not entertaining enough? And seriously, wouldn't it be more fun if it was bigger? In fact, if your goal is to reduce waste these bits are a total failure, probably adding 3 times the wrapper for the same amount of candy as in a regular Milky Way. You know what? I'm rambling. Let's eat them! NOW!

That feeling right there? That's "underwhelming" in a nutshell.

Well...it is definitely a Milky Way. The nougat is a little lighter than in normal Milky Ways, but the flavor is mostly the same, except for a hint of "apple-ish something" that seems very tacked on. It never really gels with the caramel OR the nougat, sort of showing up in the aftertaste more than anything as a reminder that "Oh yeah, these are caramel apple and not regular Milky Ways". It's not bad, but it is nothing particularly special. I wanted to like these, but ultimately I doubt I would notice they were different from regular Milky Ways until after I had eaten some. I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to eat one.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 0 Faces. It's a Milky Way with an apple reference and different packaging. Unless you are a candy wrapper art aficionado, don't bother with this one. However, if you are offered one, there is no reason to turn it down. Unless you hate Milky Ways, of course. 

Kotas Reviews Caramel Apple Twizzlers

Ah, Halloween, when we finally get a holiday that is solely about dressing up in spooky costumes in an effort to extort candy from those we once called "neighbors". How delightfully evil it all is! It is also a season for remembering treats from years gone by, even if you never actually had those treats as a kid. That's why this week is CARAMEL APPLE WEEK!

That's right, the treat that no one ever actually gets at Halloween is this season's Pumpkin Spice, in that I'm seeing Caramel Apple everything popping up. Sure, we had some examples from last year, but this year it has really gotten out of hand. With that in mind, we turn to our first subject, the legendary Caramel Apple Twizzler.

King Size, because you are my fans, and want me to suffer.

It is no secret that my red licorice twist of choice is the humble Twizzler. Only vaguely fruit flavored, it is the finest plastic treat that one can sink one's teeth into. There is just something particularly satisfying about biting into a Twizzler that is hard to explain. Also, if you bite the ends off you can use one as a makeshift straw! A terrible, terrible straw. So...how do these babies hold up?

Kang and Kodos would be proud of these candies. 

Well, they smell vaguely like caramel in some way. The sickly green color is supposed to represent a Granny Smith apple maybe? Or a Sour Apple flavoring? Seriously, was red not good enough here? There is something apple-ish about their odor, so I guess that is on theme. Maybe. Also, the goo inside oozes out a bit when you squeeze the end, which is sort of spooky. Maybe. Let's take a bite.

Oh God, what have I done? Seriously, this is all the worst parts of candy ever conceived and rolled up into terror. There is nothing apple here, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. In fact, if anyone says "Yeah, that's sort of like an apple" they are clearly evil space zombie communist vampire werewolves and need to be driven from their space enclaves. Seriously, fuck this flavor. The so called caramel fairs a little better, in that it is caramel in the same way a Sugar Baby is caramel...if that baby was barfing at the time. WHY IS IT GRITTY? When will manufacturers learn that GRITTY IS NOT A THING? The combination of both of these fucking terrible flavors is as nauseating as it is offensive to the mind. Come on Hershey's (the parent company of Twizzlers). Did someone put you up to this? DID THEY? STOP RUINING THINGS I LIKE. I ate two. I threw the rest out. I NEVER DO THIS.

On the FACE Rating System these get a Damning FOUR frownie faces, because seriously, fuck this shit, fuck the factory it was made it, and to hell with the person who thought this would be a good idea. If I never see another package of this travesty again, it'll be too soon. No one should eat this. DOGS should not eat this. I wouldn't wish these on prisoners. GAAAAAAAAAAH.

Kotas Reviews George Dickel Rye

I've been reviewing a lot of Pumpkin Spice things as of late, and to be frank, it's getting kind of old hat. Still, it is Fall and I should do something Fall-ish...maybe. Well, it is the harvest season, and that means lots of grain has to be stored. What is the most efficient way to store grain for transport? Booze, of course! Today we review George Dickel Rye.

The American Classic!

I know it is trendy,but I like rye quite a bit. It was the first whisky I'd had that I actually liked, though to be fair to whisky I hadn't much exposure past Jack Daniels or Col. Kwik-E-Mart's Kentucky Bourbon. Still, I have very much enjoyed my time with rye, and it's perfect weather for a glass to take off the chill. Anyway, the George Dickel Rye I have here is a 95% rye mash, which is pretty high. Hrm, that reminds me of Bulleit Rye, which was also 95% rye. Odd, isn't it? Well, not really. You see, both of these ryes are basically the same rye out of Midwest Grain Products (formerly Lawrenceburg Distillers Indiana). Bulleit simply bottles it as is, while George Dickel here subjects it to their charcoal filter process that they use on their normal whisky.

Distilled in Lawrenceburg, Bottled by George Dickel. Kudos for honesty on the label!

The reason I bring this up is that there has been some controversy in the whisky world about a number of American brands not disclosing that the whiskey inside the bottle was simply purchased in bulk, blended, and bottled, rather than being distilled by the company on the label. Dickel has chosen not to hide anything. There's a good article on the topic over at The Whiskey Jug if you want to know more. What does all this mean to you, the drinker? Very little, since whisky blends are a perfectly fine thing to drink, though I personally feel that "not being lied to" by a company is a good thing. So, kudos to Dickel for that. Now, onto the drink itself!

In the traditional tumbler that is not at all a used jam jar.

I tried it neat first, because yes. This rye is a definite contrast to other ryes I've drunk. While it still has that characteristic rye pepperiness, it is much smoother overall. It tickles the nose properly, but is just a nice clean drink. Definitely some fruitiness to the flavor that I greatly enjoyed, as well as some nice vanilla underflavors. Very different from the Bulleit Rye, though I like them both. I guess that charcoal filtering does something after all! I also tried it on the rocks, and it's pretty good that way too.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 3 smiley faces. I may have found a new "daily drinker" rye to throw into my rotation, and that makes me happy. I am most happy at the price. $22 for the bottle, and worth every penny. If you like whisky, and more importantly, if you like rye, you should give this a shot. It is not the finest rye you can buy, but it may be one of the best you can buy for under $25.

Kotas Reviews Pumpkin Spice Twinkies

So it has come to this. I knew this day would come, I just didn't expect it to be this soon. Hostess has joined Nabisco in evolving the flavor of its signature product to try and catch the spark of the viral flavor sensation in hopes of garnering ever more market share. An empty pursuit? Perhaps in the long term, but in the real of the now, it can only lead to glory...or infamy. Let's turn to today's subject: The Pumpkin Spice Twinkie.

My name is Ozymandias, king of kings....

Everyone's getting into the limited edition flavor train, and let's hope it hasn't already gone off the rails. Did anyone anywhere ask for this, outside of an executive board room? I can picture it now "Uh, sir, what new flavor do you think we should invest in for the fall? Apple perhaps? Oh, maybe revamp the Halloween Twinkie from last..." "Naw, I gots it! Pumpkin Spice is the hot new flavor, right?" "Uh, maybe from 3 years ago." "Right! Perfect. Ship it." "But.." "SHIP IT." I will say the box art is pretty much spot on. The product is front and center, surrounded with images of what the product should taste like. Or at least, remind us of other, less artificial tastes, right? I pity the poor flavor engineers that were tasked with this one, but hey, let's see how they did.

Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'

Well, they are Twinkies all right. No real changes to the sponge cake in this one, so the glory is all in the filling. The filling itself is pretty much "dirty fluff" in appearance, with a very strong "spice" component to the scent. There is a lot of cinnamon to be found, but hints at nutmeg and clove. Very, very little pumpkin though. The flavor is pretty much the same. Very heavy on the spice, not so much on the pumpkin but it is there, if only just. The sponge cake does not pair particularly well with this, but it also does not detract. It's not bad, though I doubt I would seek it out again. All in all, a fairly pedestrian cash in on a flavor trend that was on its way out anyway. I kind of expected to either love or hate these, but it gets a resounding "meh".

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 0 Faces. Nothing special, but I wouldn't turn it down if offered. If you like Twinkies, you will most likely enjoy trying them, but if you hate cinnamon stay the hell away from these. Good try, Hostess, but c'mon. You can do better. 

Kotas Reviews Pumpkin Spice Frosted Mini-Wheats

I have a bit of an obsession with breakfast cereal. I'm not exactly sure when it started, but ever since I've been able to mostly choose my own meals unfettered by society's expectations (read: college), I rejoined the breakfast cereal community with a gusto. While my first love will always be the sugary desserts as breakfast cereals of my tender youth, I occasionally foray into adult-oriented cereals that try and be "hip and cool" to appeal to a younger generation. Today's subject is one such cereal, with a seasonal twist. Let's explore the world of Pumpkin Spice Frosted Mini-Wheats.

Super classy. You can tell by the lack of cartoon anthropomorphic cereal.

Shredded Wheat is not a cereal that kids will clamor for, really. In it's purest form (I believe only sold by Post these days) it generally resembles a hay bale, neatly crimped, that sits in your bowl. It is of a fairly large size, with 2 bales filling the average bowl. While the novelty of "giant cereal pieces" is intriguing at first, it quickly fades given the flavor of the cereal, which is decidedly "meh". Corn Flakes have more flavor, is what I'm saying. Kellogg's, after some interesting patent litigation, came out with a more kid-friendly variety, the Frosted Mini-Wheat, which touts much smaller cereal pieces, frosting, which is always a good sign, and some vague notion of being "more healthy" than the usual honey blasted sugar bombs that most kids oriented cereal consists of. Take a look!

Shhhh...it can sense fear.

Well, it is certainly cereal. I've always been a fan of Frosted Mini-Wheats as a concept, though I tend to get sick of them faster than other, more comforting cereals. How does this particular variety stack up? Well, it certainly has something "spice-ish" and "vaguely pumpkin-ish" about its scent. The frosting also has orange highlights, which is a nice touch for the presentation, but really, this stuff is always going to look like tiny hay bales to me. The taste is "wheat and frosting, but with added....something". It is a really vague flavor that kind of hints at maybe having been exposed to pumpkin like elements at some point in the manufacturing process, along with something that maybe is a spice accidentally added to the batch. The cereal pieces are uncommonly dry without milk, so much so that I do not really recommend eating this dry, but with milk they taste pretty good, but it's not really pumpkin spice so much as "not standard frosting". It is a mystery wrapped in wheat fibers coated with known unknowns. 

On the FACE Rating System, I give this 0 faces. It's not bad, and the flavor is pretty decent, but it is so confusing trying to figure out exactly what that flavor is beyond "sweet mystery". If you like Frosted Mini-Wheats, you might give it a try, but as a first Mini-Wheat endeavor I simply cannot recommend it. Without a frame of reference, one may just end up even more confused than I was.

Kotas Reviews Pumpkin Spice Creme Oreos

Fall is soundly upon us. Seriously, it hit us like a ton of damp leaves off of an oak. Or maybe I'm just projecting my experience to the universal. Anyway, pumpkin spice abounds in the world, with special signs pointing out the variety of gourd based concoctions bubbling forth from the cauldrons of the nation's food purveyors. Lucky for me, I rather like that particular flavor...most of the time. Let's see how Nabisco takes it on as we dive into Pumpkin Spice Creme Oreos!

Well, it had to happen sometime, didn't it?

Oreo flavors are now a staple of this blog, and who am I to shy away from a product that is clearly little more than a trend-following cash grab of a cookie, especially if it is an Oreo? Kotas, that's who. The package art is pretty simple. Pumpkin, check. Spice (in this case represented by cinnamon), check. Oreo (golden), check. Wickedly orange creme filling...check! This is pretty much what I expected to see from a Pumpkin Spice Oreo, and it works, though I do not particularly care for the idea that "spice" is wholly represented by cinnamon. What about nutmeg and clove, eh? Let's crack open these cookies and see what's what.

Uh...well, it's kind of orange.

 The smell is pretty fake smelling pumpkin with a hint of cinnamon and some other fall spice. The color though...I was expecting a brighter orange than "burnt umber" really. It's more of an orange-brown and is not particularly appetizing. Passes the twist off test with flying colors though, even if that color is "Jersey Boardwalk Spray Tan". 

The taste is much, MUCH better than I was expecting. In fact, it is about exactly what I would expect if I were eating a pumpkin pie flavored cookie. Sure, it's somewhat artificial, but that's to be expected when essence of pumpkin pie has to be crammed between two vanilla flavored wafers as a creme. Even without the cookie, the creme tastes pretty good, if a bit strong when not mellowed by the wafer's flavor and texture. Most surprising is that it's still good even with milk, the creaminess of the milk adding whipped cream like notes to the pumpkin pie flavorings. I'm sort of shocked at how good these are, really.

On the FACE Rating System, these get a solid 1 smiley face. I would not seek them out as a staple, but they certainly fill the role of "man, I want some pumpkin pie, but I'm not willing to cook one." and as an occasional holiday treat. If you are an Oreo fan or a not too discerning pumpkin pie fan, give them a whirl.

Kotas Reviews Brach's Pumpkin Spice Candy Corn

Ah, Fall. Probably my favorite season of the year. The weather is cooling, but not freezing. The leaves on the trees are pretty colors. I can wear long pants without dying in the sweltering heat. Fall also contains two of my favorite food based holidays: Halloween and Thanksgiving. There is, however, a more sinister side to Fall, and that is the Oncoming Storm of Pumpkin Spice. Yes, the flavor that cravers love to savor is back and in full force once again. Let's see how it handles another fall favorite. Today we look at Brach's Pumpkin Spice Candy Corn.

May Glob have mercy on our souls.

I admit that I am a candy corn aficionado. Candy corn was always a staple in my house while I was growing up and though I was not a huge fan at first, I came to enjoy the subtle waxy sweetness that a good candy corn can bring, along with its cousins the mallow pumpkin and the "autumn mix". Candy corn is definitely an acquired taste and is certainly not for everyone, though they've tried broadening the market with such things as chocolate candy corn, "reindeer corn" which is just candy corn in red, green, and white, and other seasonal varieties. My preferences run toward "traditional" candy corn, because most variants are not very good or just recolors of the traditional. Not so with today's offering. Let's dive in!

Yep. It looks like candy corn. Candy corn has always had a very distinctive odor associated with it, but this stuff smells more like a Yankee Candle in the Pumpkin Spice scent. The colors are fine, being the traditional orange, white, and yellow, so it would be indistinguishable from ordinary candy corn in a bowl. Clearly, that is how they get you. But appearances aren't everything, how does it taste? 

I actually like Pumpkin Spice in myriad forms. The Starbucks Latte variety is delicious, and pumpkin doughnuts are always a treat. Pumpkin pie is one of my staple fall desserts, and who doesn't love a hint of gourdly goodness in their muffins now and again? So, as you can see, I am certainly predisposed to like these two flavors. But...how do they pair?

Have you ever smelled a candle and thought "man, that smells delicious. I wonder how it would taste?" Yeah, well, eating this so called food is exactly like what I imagine eating a pumpkin spice candle would taste like. I mean, yeah, candy corn has a bit of waxiness to it, but for Crap's Sake, this is the waxiest thing I've ever put in my mouth, and I've tried Wax Lips candy...which is real wax! The terror is exacerbated by the most nauseatingly fake pumpkin flavor imaginable, marching over the taste buds in horribly malignant saraband. There is something resembling artificial "spice", but what spice it could be I could scarcely comprehend.   I really hated this stuff, as did my long suffering mother who is also a candy corn connoisseur. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 3 Frownie Faces. It is just fucking awful and we would all be better off if this abomination had never escaped the lab to threaten us in our homes. Run as far as you can from this nightmare concoction and don't turn back, like I did. You may never recover from your experience. Don't wait for me, it's too late. Save yourself!

Kotas Reviews So Delicious Dairy Free Nog Coconut Milk

Welcome to Day 5 of Eggnog Week! One type of product that has always kind of weirded me out is the faux-dairy product. I know a lot of people can't drink milk and such, but soy milk, coconut milk, almond milk, and a whole host of other milks that come from "not cows" to readily seem like they are trying much too hard to be "milk" and not "milk substitute". A black bean burger can be delicious, but if it tries to be too much like a meat burger instead of its own thing, it ends up being a crushing disappointment. With all that in mind, let's look at today's subject.

Hang on folks. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

So Delicious Dairy Free makes a wide variety of coconut and almond milk products that I'm sure you've seen in your local green grocers. This is one of their "holiday" flavors, along with Mint Chocolate and (sigh) Pumpkin Spice. I am not a huge fan of coconut flavor in general, but I do occasionally indulge in an Almond Joy or Samoa here and there. This particular incarnation claims to be "Nog" flavored. This is actually a ready concession to the fact that artificial eggnog tastes a lot like...well, nog, whatever that magical substance may be. But how well will it pair with coconut milk? 

Dun, dun, DUUUUUUUUUUN.

Well, it looks a lot like eggnog to me. Smells faintly of coconut and noggishness, but how bad could it really be? Well, I'll tell you, it can be pretty freakin' terrible. This is drinking coconut milk laced with something almost but not quite entirely unlike eggnog. If you've ever entered a room where all the furniture was moved 1 inch to the left but you didn't know about it, that vague and growing sense of "wrongness" is exactly what I am talking about. It's pretty thin in consistency, but it really doesn't taste like eggnog or even just nog. It tastes like you'd expect vertigo to taste like. Off putting and strange, but not undrinkable I suppose. Coconut milk lovers will be much more inclined to like this, but the weird "faux-faux-nog" flavor is still unsettling.

Because of Science, I threw some rum into this because really, that could only improve the flavor, right? The pina colada is a classic for a reason, right? WRONG. The flavor of the coconut milk, coupled with their version of "nog" completely cancels out the rum flavoring leaving you with a glass of creamy alcoholic nothing. Seriously, it has no flavor at all other than the vagueish hint at generic sweetness. This was even MORE off putting and strange than the stuff by itself! Also, adding booze made it even more awful. How is that even a thing? 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets a well deserved 2 frowny faces. It is drinkable, but it is something I would want to do as fast as possible so I could move on to actual good drinks. If you like coconut milk you might be more inclined to enjoy this, but their particular spin on "nog" is just wrong enough compared to normal nog as to push me off my game. If you've never had eggnog before and like coconut milk, you might like this, but everyone else? No. Just, no.

Kotas Reviews Hershey's Pumpkin Spice Kisses and the Russell Stover Dark Chocolate Red Velvet Pumpkin

Hello everyone! I've been taking a bit of a break recently due to a variety of reasons, but now we're back with...more Halloween stuff. Yeah, I know, Halloween was weeks ago, but the plethora of leftover candy has kept me in a bit of a candy coma for a while. Still, I'm back now, and boy do we have some treats for you. First up, Hershey's Pumpkin Spice Kisses.

Ain't she a beaut?

Hershey's Kisses are one of the best ways to enjoy their rather uniquely American take on chocolate, being big enough to be satisfying, yet small enough not to feel like you are gorging yourself. This combines to let you look wistfully into the empty bag and wonder what exactly just happened. Still, I am generally dubious of anything that goes outside the usual parameter of "chocolate, and nothing else". Let's have a look see!

Very underwhelming, really.

These look less like a traditional Hershey Kiss, and more like the inferior white chocolate cousin, the Hershey Hug. Hugs are, at best, something to eat when you want some candy, but have nothing better. I do not particularly care for white chocolate, and Hugs get no love from me. Then again, maybe this one will be the flavored candy that alters my opinion.

A box without hinges, key or lid, yet inside whitish goo is hid!

Well, they certainly smell pumpkin spicey. Much more spice than pumpkin, yet there is a hint of it. Instead of being a solid candy all the way through, this one is a very soft center coated in a durable waxy shell. The Kiss doesn't lend itself well to this sort of thing usually but in this case, it seems to be fairly well done. The flavor is like eating a bit of heavily spiced gingerbread wax filled with some sort of creamy...something. It is incredibly artificial tasting, but it's not bad if you like nutmeg and gingerbread. There might be the barest hint of pumpkin flavor, but I couldn't find it.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 frowny face. They really aren't terrible or anything, but I would describe them as a good presentation of a terrible recipe. The flavor is not pumpkin, but it is spice...gingerbread spice. The mouth feel is waxy and unappealing. I did enjoy the foil though, and the little paper flag is of the highest quality. Not really recommended except for that rare breed of Hershey Kiss Completionist.

Next up from the bargain bin we have the Russell Stover Red Velvet Dark Chocolate Pumpkin. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? There are a large, LARGE number of different flavored candy pumpkins that Russell Stover produces each year, and this one comes from the veritable wall that my local drug store had for sale.

Look at that face! It just screams "legitimate pumpkin candy".

Russell Stover is what I call a "low tier" chocolate maker. They put out a huge variety of average quality chocolates, along with a cornucopia of themed sweets. They are at their best when you want a lot of different kinds of chocolate confections in one box, for cheap, but their theme items are only fair to middlin' in flavor. Great on price though! Let's see what mysteries await us!

That's not very pumpkin-y. It could just as easily be an ornament shape.

Now it is even less pumpkin than before!

Well, I can't say I'm excited to see this. I am not sure what I was expecting, but this is really just a candy disk with a nub at one end. It could be almost anything, so I suppose pumpkin is as likely as any other vaguely round object with a distinctive appendage. It smells of dark chocolate and...maybe devil's food cake. This is actually an encouragement, since Red Velvet cake is just Devil's Food cake with some food coloring and a good marketing department.

The flavor is, in a phrase "fucking terrible". The chocolate makes a bold attempt at being something worth eating, but it has too much of that cheap, artificial flavor to pull it off. The filling tastes like sand mixed with sugar, paste and suffering. The thing actually crunches as I chew it, as if I were consuming aquarium gravel or possibly ground glass. I managed to choke down half of the thing, and gave the other half to my long suffering wife. She boldly consumed as much as I did, and for that, I owe her. I did not gag though, so I suppose that's a plus.

On the FACE Rating System, this travesty gets 3 frowny faces. Stay the hell away from it, unless you hate yourself. Wash it down with  Bud Light Chelada for that authentic taste of misery and despair. Leftover candy is not all it is cracked up to be, that is for sure!

Kotas Reviews the Spiced Pumpkin Pie Clif Bar

We are in the depths of pumpkin spice mania and just when I think it can't get any crazier, I am proven wrong. I mean, I have nothing against pumpkin spice but I'm not sure if I want my entire range of snackables and other assorted goodies to be saturated in the nutmeg and cinnamon tide. Today we question whether the world is even ready for one such product. I present to you, the Spiced Pumpkin Pie Clif Bar.

So, why is he climbing a snowy mountain? Because it is there!

Clif Bars are my go to breakfast these days. They are fortified with various nutrients, convenient to haul around, come in durable packaging, and don't mind being crushed under the weight of 40 pounds of trail gear when you get right down to it. One thing they aren't is particularly tasty. I am rather fond of them, but it is an acquired taste. I must admit I do like the packaging here, with the change to a "winter" theme. I suppose Pumpkin Pie spans both Fall and Winter, really, but it seemed a non-traditional aesthetic choice. Let's rip this bad boy open.

Stripes are totally in this year.

Well, it looks sort of like a mashed up slab of granola paste, and that is pretty much what a Clif Bar is. This one, however, has stripes of icing. Why? No idea, some of their bars do, and some do not. The scent is very heavily spiced, full of nutmeg and cinnamon and something pumpkin related, if not full on pumpkin. It smells an awful lot like potpourri, or a very sweet incense. The flavor reflects the scent accurately, though it is much less potpourri-ish and much more gingerbread-ish. Very heavily spiced, some pumpkin notes, mostly spice. It's not the worst thing I've ever eaten, but it is certainly not the best. It does kind of grow on you as you eat it though, and it's a nice change of pace if you tend to stick to your "usual" flavors like I do.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 0 faces. I feel neither good nor bad about it, but I enjoy trying new things. The flavors are very strong, but it leans too heavily on the "Spice" portion  of the equation rather than taking a more balanced approach by including a heavier pumpkin element. Give it a whirl if you are curious, or just can't get enough pumpkin spice in your life. Pie lovers will have to look elsewhere though.

Kotas Reviews the Arbys Pumpkin Spice Milkshake

Ah, fall. Possibly my favorite season of the year, it contains several things I love: A holiday about dressing up in costumes to go beg for candy, a holiday about gorging on food until you fall asleep on the couch while watching television, and of course, temperatures that don't make me want to go hide in a freezer for 4 months. It also is the season of one of my favorite yet most despised flavors: Pumpkin Spice! 

I love pumpkin pie, and when something is "pumpkin spice" it is generally supposed to taste similar to pumpkin pie. So that is good. Sadly, artificial pumpkin pie flavoring is often terrible, and for whatever reason a whole host of things emerges at this time of year heralding Peak Pumpkin Spice. I mean, we have your Pumpkin Spice Lattes and your Pumpkin Spice Doughnuts, which are pretty good. Then you have things like Pumpkin Spice Oreos and Pumpkin Spice M&Ms, which I don't think I understand. The whole point of pumpkin spice is that it is "not chocolate", right? RIGHT? Whatever. Today we tackle Arby's bandwagon jumping seasonal shake: The Pumpkin Spice Milkshake!

What wonders await beneath this plastic lid?

Any time Arbys goes outside their usual flavors for milkshakes can be a mixed bag. I rather liked the Caramel Apple shake, but the Creme Brulee shake was...well, I reviewed both. Go hit my archives. The point is, their flavors can get a little crazy, and this shake is no exception. I can honestly say that at no time in my life was I ever drinking a milkshake and said to myself "You know what would really be awesome? Pumpkin spice as a flavored partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverage!" Still, one must be brave when one is a reviewer. Let's pop the top!

My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

You order this thing, and you know you are going to get something pumpkin spicy. Just look at that light orange color! Honestly, it's mildly terrifying to view, but it has a faint odor of sweetness and something pumpkin-related. The flavor is what my wife and I decided was a lot like eating the whipped topping off of the top of a piece of pumpkin pie. There is a lot of nutmeg, creaminess, sweetness, but only a bit of anything pumpkin. It's not bad, really, but it is much more Spice than Pumpkin. It is definitely drinkable and the flavor doesn't overwhelm, but also doesn't particularly thrill. 

On the FACE Rating System, this shake gets 0 faces. It's not bad, but it's not particularly good. It is Pumpkin Spice, but much heavier on the Spice than Pumpkin and nutmeg alone does not carry the day in standard pumpkin spice offerings. I would not go out of my way to get it, but if you are a huge fan of all things nutmeg, I would recommend you give it a whirl. Everyone else? Take it or leave it, it's your decision.