Kotas Reviews the Arby's Brown Sugar BLT

Bacon. The very word can inspire salivation and anticipation, or unbridled rage at the thought of how trendy it has become to throw it on everything. A fatty, greasy salt bomb of pork flavor, bacon may be one of the most symbolically American foods. As you probably figured out, I like bacon, though I feel that people can take anything too far. Still, the bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich is an American institution. So, what happens when a fast food chain tries to horn in on a craze that's on its way out by resurrecting a sandwich not seen on many menus for a generation. Today we tackle the Arby's Brown Sugar Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato sandwich. 

She don't look like much kid...

Brown Sugar Bacon is simply bacon that's been lightly candied with brown sugar. I know you are all shocked at this marvelous revelation. I first heard about it on Epic Meal Time, who tend to use candied bacon in more recipes than you'd think. I've never had it myself, but I thought, "Hey, for 'MURICA and such." So, here I am. Let's crack this puppy open and see what it done brung us.

But she's got it where it counts.

Well, it most certainly is a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. My first worry was that they would skimp on the bacon and make this sandwich kind of "meh" on that alone, but I need not have worried. Arby's, despite having some nihilistic outlooks on occasion, tends to be somewhat generous in their meat quantity, at least on their specialty sandwiches. I rather like the King's Hawaiian bun they slapped it all between too. And, it makes a pretty enough sandwich I suppose. Frankly, it SHOULD be pretty. This thing cost $5.50 for the sandwich alone, making it one of the pricier options in fast food. I've gotten value meals that cost less than this sandwich. Heck, my local McDonald's is running a special: 10 piece McNugget combo: $4.50. Is it worth it?

I tried to get its good side.

I isolated a piece of the bacon to try by itself. It's actually pretty good. It's got a sugary sweetness that melds nicely with the smoky salty porkness of the bacon, which is a lot better that I expect from fast food bacon. The sandwich itself is pretty tasty as well. The lettuce is nothing to write home about, but it does the job of providing some texture variation and some bitterness. The tomato...could be better, really. Not a lot of actual flavor there, which is par for a fast food tomato slice. Of course, it has mayonnaise, because PATRIOTISM and tradition. The mayonnaise is fine. All in all an interesting flavorful sandwich.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 1 smiley face. I am not going to order this all the time, but when I get that rare hankering for a BLT, I would totally pick this up. It's nice to have something offbeat in my fast food experiences, and this fits the bill nicely, though the price can be off putting. If you are willing to pay a premium for the sake of novelty, and/or you are a bacon lover, give this sucker a try. Because FREEDOM.

Kotas Reviews the BBQ Pulled Pork Cheese Fries

The person who invented the concept of the chili cheese fry will go down as a demented culinary genius, along with the person who came up with the taco salad, and the inventor of the deep fried candy bar. These are foods that are the gustatory equivalent of building a house of stonework and vinyl siding. It shouldn't work at all and yet...look at it! Will today's offering hold up, or will it engender a fail cascade of epic proportions? Let's find out as today Kotas Reviews The Rest of the Weekend Meal.

My Temple Shall Be Glorious!

I'm actually not a huge fan of slathering fries with all manner of stews and sauces. I gravitate more toward the pure potato fry experience, with but a hint of salt for flavoring and accent. Even I enjoy a bit of ketchup now and again though, and this takes it to the next level. Welcome to BBQ Pulled Pork Cheese Fries. That picture up there? Actually looks pretty good. The fries form a nice base and the toppings blend well visually. Then again, that is the ad. Let's find out what it really looks like.

My Temple Is NOT Glorious. Not Glorious at all!

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what Pride Before Fail looks like. "Just slap that fucker together in a plastic trough and let the public sup upon it with their wriggling jowls, the cads". That is what I imagine Wendy's Corporate Overlords said when they authorized this heap of shame, anyway. And this comes from a man who shamelessly orders his Waffle House Hash Browns "All The Way"! I honestly wanted to like this. I enjoyed the burger from yesterday, and I hoped this would be another feather in Wendy's cap. Boy was I wrong. 
I've kvetched about my disappointment in Wendy's "new" fries before, and this is an example of why they do not work. Too. Much. Salt. You see, the old fries were big and chunky and needed a fair bit of salt because there was a LOT of potato flavor to accent. When they changed fries, they did not change the salt dispensing items in a lot of places, leading to oversalting. At THIS particular chain though, it was even saltier then THAT. The BBQ sauce was "Sweet", and it was decent. Not fantastic, but not bad. The BBQ pork was also decent. Both were able to counteract the saltiness to some degree. The cheese sauce? A train wreck through and through. 

A good fast food cheese sauce is one of life's guiltiest of guilty pleasures. You KNOW it is essentially liquefied plastic that has something resembling cheese flavoring, but you eat it anyway because it tastes good, if artificial. This stuff tastes like they scraped out the leftover sauce from a truck stop nacho dispenser after one too many days sitting in the warmer. It was greasy, gooey, and sour to the tongue, leaving a horrible candle wax sensation in the mouth after swallowing. I did not enjoy it is what I am saying. It got much more pronounced as I ate my way through. The pulled pork did its best to blunt the force of terrible sauce, but in the end it was overwhelmed. Just a bad experience for everyone (read: me) involved.

On the FACE Rating System, this dreck gets 2 frowny faces. I've had worse food in my life (sadly), and I wasn't expecting much from a fast food joint, and yet...look at it. LOOK AT IT, DAMN YOU. It is only saved from a lower rating because the pulled pork manages to mask the horror for several bites and my first impressions were more positive. But do not delve too deep, or you will unleash terror. One caveat: It is possible another franchise will have better sauce and less salted fries. This would greatly improve the rating, really, but consume at your peril.

Kotas Reviews the BBQ Pulled Pork Cheeseburger

Well, they've finally done it. Taco Bell started doing breakfast in the most ridiculous fashion possible. Now other chains are starting to increase the strangeness quotient in their products, usually by taking things that are usually separate and combining them in terrifying and unique ways. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present today's wonder: The BBQ Pulled Pork Cheeseburger, from Wendy's. 

The glorious Fantasy of the Advertisement.

I can't say it is a bad idea. I mean, it is kind of like putting bacon on a burger, right? Of course, it is not like Wendy's is known for the quality, or even the previous existence of, its pulled pork products. Also, they make a bold choice in topping a hamburger with not only pulled pork but with cole slaw, especially given the reputation of fast food cole slaw. I admit I was somewhat dubious of this meal. Still, this was a request from a reader and I feel it is a worthy topic. Besides, wouldn't you rather I eat this first? Onward!

Wendy's was my go to fast food burger joint for a long time. Over the years my love for them has waned, mostly due to their switch to a different type of french fry. Some of their innovations in the fast food burger world have been pretty good, such as the Pretzel Bun, but I still can't get over that fry switch so I'm a bit soured on the chain. They do have pretty advertisements though. Let's order one of these bad boys and see if Reality matches Fantasy.

Eh, kinda sorta maybe?

I'll give them credit, it actually somewhat resembles the fancy picture, which is a rarity in fast food since forever. The bun is a bit different from their standard one, a little stiffer and chewier. It does a good job of holding the burger together, which is great since Wendy's burgers are often the messiest of the bunch if you get it with all the standard toppings. The first bite is heavy on the cheeseburger, as I chose to start with that left side up there, but after that each bite had roughly equal measures of cheeseburger, pulled pork, bun, and cole slaw. The cole slaw isn't as sweet as most fast food cole slaws. It is a more vinegar-y take on it, and I believe they are using broccoli slaw at this particular franchise. 

I gotta admit, the flavors are pretty good. The BBQ sauce is one of three choices: Sweet, Smokey, and Spicy. I went with Smokey, and it's got a nice taste, generally better than standard fast food BBQ sauce. The cole slaw, rather than detracting from the experience, adds some crunch and veggie flavor that helps the pulled pork stand out from the beef and cheese better. The pulled pork itself is essentially decent. Nothing special, but far above what I thought I would be getting at a Wendy's. I rather liked this burger.

On the FACE Rating System, I'll give this one 2 smiley faces. The flavors, while seemingly contrasting, worked pretty well together and the barbecue sauce added the right amount of tanginess. It was a little messy, but that's a Wendy's Burger for you. I would totally get this again. If you like pulled pork and you like cheeseburgers, but you just don't have time to make it yourself, give it a whirl. The cole slaw is probably more hit or miss, but I thought it complimented the sandwich well.

Oh, and don't worry. There was the OTHER part of this meal that I will be reviewing later. Stay tuned!

Kotas Reviews the Arbys Pumpkin Spice Milkshake

Ah, fall. Possibly my favorite season of the year, it contains several things I love: A holiday about dressing up in costumes to go beg for candy, a holiday about gorging on food until you fall asleep on the couch while watching television, and of course, temperatures that don't make me want to go hide in a freezer for 4 months. It also is the season of one of my favorite yet most despised flavors: Pumpkin Spice! 

I love pumpkin pie, and when something is "pumpkin spice" it is generally supposed to taste similar to pumpkin pie. So that is good. Sadly, artificial pumpkin pie flavoring is often terrible, and for whatever reason a whole host of things emerges at this time of year heralding Peak Pumpkin Spice. I mean, we have your Pumpkin Spice Lattes and your Pumpkin Spice Doughnuts, which are pretty good. Then you have things like Pumpkin Spice Oreos and Pumpkin Spice M&Ms, which I don't think I understand. The whole point of pumpkin spice is that it is "not chocolate", right? RIGHT? Whatever. Today we tackle Arby's bandwagon jumping seasonal shake: The Pumpkin Spice Milkshake!

What wonders await beneath this plastic lid?

Any time Arbys goes outside their usual flavors for milkshakes can be a mixed bag. I rather liked the Caramel Apple shake, but the Creme Brulee shake was...well, I reviewed both. Go hit my archives. The point is, their flavors can get a little crazy, and this shake is no exception. I can honestly say that at no time in my life was I ever drinking a milkshake and said to myself "You know what would really be awesome? Pumpkin spice as a flavored partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverage!" Still, one must be brave when one is a reviewer. Let's pop the top!

My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

You order this thing, and you know you are going to get something pumpkin spicy. Just look at that light orange color! Honestly, it's mildly terrifying to view, but it has a faint odor of sweetness and something pumpkin-related. The flavor is what my wife and I decided was a lot like eating the whipped topping off of the top of a piece of pumpkin pie. There is a lot of nutmeg, creaminess, sweetness, but only a bit of anything pumpkin. It's not bad, really, but it is much more Spice than Pumpkin. It is definitely drinkable and the flavor doesn't overwhelm, but also doesn't particularly thrill. 

On the FACE Rating System, this shake gets 0 faces. It's not bad, but it's not particularly good. It is Pumpkin Spice, but much heavier on the Spice than Pumpkin and nutmeg alone does not carry the day in standard pumpkin spice offerings. I would not go out of my way to get it, but if you are a huge fan of all things nutmeg, I would recommend you give it a whirl. Everyone else? Take it or leave it, it's your decision.

Kotas Reviews Arby's Creme Brulee Milkshake

We're back with another milkshake review. Why? Because I like milkshakes, mostly and it's a new month of flavors at the local establishment! I'm sure we'll get around to their other milkshake flavor soon enough. Meanwhile let's look at today's offering: The Creme Brulee milkshake.

It's so...stripey!

In the dessert world, few concoctions are as bourgeois as creme brulee. French for "burnt cream", creme brulee is the go to sweet when you want something fancy dancy yet still wish to cook with a blowtorch. I happen to like creme brulee because it is sweet custard that involves caramel and fire, two of my favorite things. How does this shake stand up to my not-too-fancy palate? Let's find out!

Oh look, sprinkles! I'm sure that is fine.

Holy Jeez DAT FLAVOR. Wait, let me start over. First, the look. This thing only comes in one gut-busting size of 20oz, probably because that is the only size the see through cup comes in. It certainly looks fairly refined, what with the nice swirl of caramel and the little sprinkles on top of the now almost standard whipped cream on top. The flavor is...how best to explain it. I know, metaphor! Imagine if you will that this shake is an angry leprechaun made of sugar that has bounded into your mouth, seeks out your taste buds, punches them in what passes for their faces and screams at the top of his little angry lungs "BOO YEAH! I'm a SHAKE, MUTHAF@#KA!", then kicks over a bucket of caramel for good measure. 

It is like drinking a liquid version of a Lucky Charms marshmallow with the occasional chuck of sludge-like caramel style sauce working its way up the straw. The sweetness is mercilessly overpowering and the caramel is somehow extra sweet even for caramel sauce. I actually had to take breaks and drink water to give my mouth a break from this onslaught of supposed faux bruleeness. The sprinkles? They are hard crunchy caramel-ish bits that do nothing but make you go "well, I guess they put themed sprinkles in it, but why would someone assume I want my drink to be crunchy?". 

You know what it doesn't taste anything like though? Creme freakin' brulee. In that respect, this shake is an utter and complete failure. I wanted to like this shake. I really, really did. In theory, I should LOVE this shake, even if it doesn't taste like creme brulee, I love Lucky Charms and I love caramel, so this should be great, right? WRONG. It's just way, way too much sweetness. I actually got a bit of a stomach ache after drinking it as a final insult.

On the FACE Rating System, I give this shake one frowny face. It tastes exactly nothing like what creme brulee tastes like and the almost nausea inducing sweetness combines with that to make this a not quite pleasant shake experience. At least the swirl looked nice though, and someone who has a higher tolerance for sweetness and lack of authentic creme brulee flavor might like it better.

Kotas Reviews the Arbys Caramel Apple Milkshake

Arbys has been trying out a few new things lately, such as their current "We have the Meats" promotion, and the horror of the "Meat Mountain" sandwich. Arbys has always been the "quirky" member of the fast food family, with their surprisingly addictive roast beef sandwiches and their curly fries and potato cakes and so forth. In my youth, they were also the only fast food restaurant to offer more than the holy trinity of milkshake flavors (chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry) with their Jamocha option. Recently, the Arbys near my house has been doing a "flavor of the month" advertising campaign, which intrigued me enough to stop by and pick up this month's star. Welcome, to the Caramel Apple Milkshake.

Dun, dun, duuuuuuuun.

I've always liked Arbys myself. The food is different enough from the usual hamburger fare to let it stand out, but the trappings are familiar enough that I don't avoid it simply because it is different. My unabashed love of potato cakes doesn't hurt either. Still, not every milkshake flavor can be a crowd pleaser. Let's see what it looks like!

Just screams deliciousness, doesn't it?

It smells a lot like caramel, with a few apple-ish overtones to remind you of the apple portion of the caramel apple label. The color is essentially a slightly..uh...browner version of the Jamocha shake, but you ain't ordering a milkshake for its aesthetic qualities at an Arbys now are you? The taste is almost exactly like what I think you should get if you pureed a Russell Stover Caramel Apple candy sans chocolate.  The flavor is very strong, if not as apple-y as I would like, and not overwhelmingly sweet, which is nice. I really like this flavor, actually, but if you do not like caramel, stay the heck away. It also is not something I would want in a large portion, as the flavor overwhelms the taste buds after a bit.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets a solid 2 smiley faces. It is delicious, but it is not an every day flavor. It is a fantastic seasonal flavor and if you like caramel and apple, give it a whirl.

Kotas Reviews Summer Seasonal Doughnuts

Last Friday, in honor of National Doughnut Day I went to Dunkin Doughnuts and bought a dozen to share with Charlotte and my in-laws. They did not have my favorite doughnut from Dunkin (Chocolate Glazed), but they did have a couple of "Flavors of the Month": Key Lime Pie and Lemonade, two similar takes on the concept of the filled doughnut. I sampled both. Here is my review.

The Key Lime Doughnut is their standard filled doughnut base, with a lightly lime flavored thick glaze, sprinkled with graham cracker bits, and filled with what I assume is supposed to be key lime filling. The lime glaze is actually quite tasty, with the graham cracker bits taking just a bit of the edge off the sweetness. The rest of the doughnut is okay, and the filling tastes a lot like artificial key lime flavoring. I give it one smiley face. I'd eat it again, but it will not become a regularly indulged in item.

The Lemonade Doughnut is similar in appearance, but falls down in execution. It is their standard lemon-filled doughnut, with a thick vanilla glaze (if it was supposed to be lemon flavored, it failed) topped with what can only be described as "crunchy lemon-flavored bits". The "bits" were chalky and tasted only vaguely of lemon, while the vanilla and lemon flavors clashed when taken as a whole. The filling was their standard lemon filling and due to the extreme sweetness of the glaze ends up being very bland. I give it one frowny face because it is really hard to fuck up a doughnut,, and while it isn't god awful, it took a perfectly fine doughnut type and made it meh.

Kotas Reviews the Cool Ranch Dorito Loco Taco

So, Taco Bell is expanding their Dorito Taco line with the ever popular "Cool Ranch" flavor. In a fit of laziness and weakness, on Tuesday I was able to sample this unholy creation.

If you've had the original Dorito Taco, you know mostly what to expect: A taco in a cardboard holder, designed to prevent it from cracking and crumbling too much. Thing is? It is not really needed here. With the nacho cheese flavored version, the shell itself was basically a weird-shaped Dorito, which is to say, not the best option for an edible food container. Thus it would basically shatter and fall apart after the first bite.

The Cool Ranch version is a different sort of beast. Rather than take a Dorito and make a taco shell out of it, they've taken their standard taco shell and just dusted it with Cool Ranch seasoning. Like any meh sequel, it takes the original concept, makes it cheaper, and hopes the audience won't notice. Well, I Noticed. There is an upside though. Standard taco shells at Taco Bell are less prone to cracking these days, and this incarnation didn't shatter at all.

Flavor wise, it's not bad. The Cool Ranch taste comes through a little stronger than the nacho cheese flavor did in the original, but the taco's standard flavor overwhelms it after a few bites. I happen to like the food substance that we call Taco Bell tacos, so this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it certainly makes you question if this "premium" upgrade is worth it.

On a scale of 5 frowny faces to 5 smiley faces (The McLaughlin Scale), I give this 0 faces. It's not terrible, but it seems a little half assed. It also does not solve the problem of its predecessor: The taco flavor negates all lesser flavors.