Kotas Reviews Twinkies Cereal

Man, I don't know what is up with this new ad campaign from a crap beer is all about, but people are going nuts! Closing schools, shutting down businesses, I'm work from HOME now...I mean, all because of the "Corona, Buy Us" ad campaign? Sure, it's a little over the top but I just don't see why...wait, what? It's not an ad campaign? Virus? Huh.

Well, nevermind! The outside world is a godless hellscape littered with empty toilet paper rolls and empty hand sanitizer bottles, and I'm crouched in what passes for my home office trying to make sure that people can upload documents to a server. Also, Corona Beer still sucks! But we're not here to talk about that today. Today we have something very special for all of you stuck at home craving entertainment and some form of social contact (Which is tough titty for you, because DON'T FUCKIN' LEAVE YOUR HOUSE). Yes, the first official cereal of the apocalypse has arrived, and of course, it's Twinkie based. Ladies, Gentlemen, War Boys and Girls of all ages, let's take a long hard look at Twinkies Cereal.

Rule #1: Cardio

Not since Ice Cream Cones cereal has a product been less suited as a breakfast been placed on our soon to be empty store shelves. I mean, I've not shied away from many an unusual breakfast, such as: pizza, leftover pad thai, half a hamburger, an assortment of scraps from a veggie tray, and so forth, but never in all my days have snack cakes been a part of breakfast...UNTIL NOW.

The packaging basically looks like a Twinkie box, only with a bowl full of Twinkies Cereal (apparently being forcefully injected into the bowl, by the milk splash) the the arc of Post in green above it. That green really clashes with the rest of the aesthetic, in my opinion. Still, it gets the point across. Let's pour us some.

Cereal or packing material? #WhyNotBoth

Yeah, that looks like a bowl full of tiny Twinkies, it does. The smell is "super sweet vanilla and a hint of corn". The taste is...well, it is very very sweet. Like, super sweet. Sickeningly sweet. Very vanilla too, and the cereal pieces themselves are quite crunchy, even after a prolonged dunk in milk. There's just something very...off about the flavor for me. It's not terrible, but I find it off putting. Now, all snack cakes tend to have a bit of chemical-ish flavors to them, but this is that flavor severely ramped up. Maybe I can only taste it because I am now considered an Old? My kid loves the stuff. No accounting for taste, eh?

On the FACE Rating System I give this 1 Frowny Face. It doesn't taste much like a Twinkie, though it gets the "fake chemical" flavor down and ramps it up far more than anything should be. It's sweet enough to choke a unicorn. This may be the cereal for you, but I will fuckin' pass. I just wish I had a different cereal to endure Stephen King's The Sit Down with.

Kotas Reviews LucioOhs

It is a new golden age of cereal production, I think. There are literally hundreds of brands of cereal, and almost every type now has at least two or three variations of it. There are 15 types of Cheerios alone...no, wait, 16. Blueberry just got released it seems. Anyway, what is generally lacking is a vast assortment of licensed cereal properties. Oh sure, the occasional Limited Edition run of something like Star Wars will pop up for a few weeks when the movies are released, but Ralston cereals were on the shelves for YEARS, only changing the packaging as things were released. So imagine my surprise when I saw a new cereal on the shelves...and watched it remain for months, rather than weeks. Ladies and Gentlemen, today we look at LucioOhs.

Let's BREAK IT DOOOOWN!

Oh, Overwatch. Since its release in 2016, Overwatch has become a global phenomenon in the video game world. It brought a polish to the team shooter not seen since Valve was still making video games and has ridden a wave of success ever since. It's got a huge eSports scene (funded heavily by Blizzard Activision), brings in loads of cash with its loot box system (which it popularized), and has inspired a particularly ridiculous amount of pornographic fan art. Now it's also a cereal I guess?

Well, the box art is on point for sure. This is some classic early 90s style promotional cereal artwork right there. Lucio is one of my favorite characters from Overwatch, so I'm glad to see him get some spotlight. I do have to question the actual name of the cereal. Lucio-Ohs? Really? That's like a parody name, what with the double O construction. Luci-Ohs would have been cleaner. But who cares about that, let's get to the cereal!

I'm honestly surprised they didn't go with a chocolate flavor. It's for the best, really.

The cereal itself looks a lot like Froot Loops. It smells heavily of vanilla, and that is also reflected in the taste. The coloring is just for looks, being Lucio's primary skin theme of green and yellow. It's very sweet, but not tooth hurtingly sweet. The vanilla and corn flavors go quite well together. Hey, this is pretty good! You really don't see too many takes on the vanilla flavored cereal, so it is nice that this does it well. I think I like this. Huh!

On the FACE Rating System, I give this one 2 Smiley Faces. You might even say that this is my jam, at least some of the time. I even picked up a second box, and since my kid loves it, probably a third. If you like vanilla, and really want it in a sweetened cereal unmarred by other flavors, this is the cereal for you. Just don't expect it to help you actually be good at Overwatch.

Kotas Reviews Cap'n Crunch's Chocolatey Berry Crunch

Well, February rolls on with a number of semi-observed holidays like President's Day, Umbrella Day, and Public Sleeping Day, which is of course a fully recognized holiday that I didn't just make up. So what better way to vaguely celebrate such holidays than with a vaguely themed cereal that just so happens to be available in February? Right, let's get on with this and look at Cap'n Crunch's Chocolatey Berry Crunch.

That look says "I retire in 3 months, fuck it!"

Good old Cap'n Crunch. Lacerator of mouths, vehicle for sweetened corn, devestator of health and a truly delicious treat from my childhood. I gotta admit though, it ain't like it used to be. It's less sweet and far less slicey on the old palate than it was back in my childhood. Still, it brings fond memories and my child has an appreciate for their 'Berry version, particularly the "Oops, All Berries" type. Ah, youth. I always did wonder what it would be like in a chocolate version, and well, here it is fully formed before my eyes. The box art is in the category of "Fine". It does what it needs to do, but it's nothing special. Onward!

Yup. Looks like the output of a rock tumbler all right.

The smell is that vague chocolate smell you get when opening a box of Cocoa Puffs, though fainter, coupled with the artificial 'berry' scent of usual Crunchberries, with that generic sweetened corn cereal odor as your backstop. It's not bad, but again, it ain't anything you haven't smelled before. The taste however is kind of a disappointment. This is just Crunchberry cereal, with a tiny hint of some sort of chocolate that you only get in the aftertaste. If you poured a bowl of Cocoa Krispies, drained off the milk, and then poured Crunchberry cereal into that bowl and ate it you'd have an idea of the flavor profile here. The generic sweetened corn flavor dominates here as in most of the Cap'n's creations, so it's fine, but it does not wow me. True love's first cereal this ain't.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 0 Faces. It's fine, but there is nothing here you can't get with regular Crunchberry cereal followed by a cup of chocolate milk. Hell, that might even have more chocolate punch. It's not bad, but it is ever so meh. Pass it by unless you are some sort of flavor completionist or blog writer.

Kotas Reviews Lucky Charms Frosted Flakes

Well hello there everyone! Been a long time since I last stepped into this space isn't it? Yeah, well, I had a bunch of stuff go down that ate a bunch of my time up. But that's not why we're here today is it? No, it's the very best month of the year for folk like me: The Season of the Snack is upon us! Halloween, where the holiday is all about costumes and candy and being scared. Welcome one and all to Spooktober! First on our Spooktober Spectacular, we have a hideous abomination stitched together from parts dredged up from the floor of a factory and shoved in a box as hideous as it is colorful. That's right, let's take a look at Lucky Charms Frosted Flakes.

Don't let the smile fool you. He'll cut you but good!

Well, it finally happened. Someone at the General Mills factory fucked up and dumped a container of Lucky Charms marbits into a container of Frosted Flakes instead of the usual oat pieces. Legend has it that rather than take a loss on this disaster, the owners of the place simply ordered up some new box art and this malfeasance filled atrocity was given life. The box art cheerfully informs us of this Kitchen Nightmare, though I admit it was probably a good choice to just use Lucky the Leprechaun as the sole mascot. Though perhaps a half tiger version would play better this month. Anyway, let's open it up.

The first ingredient may be whole grain, but the second one is murder.

Alas, I am disappointed. I must give credit for being exactly what it says on the tin box, but it has suffered from Excessive Marbit Sorting, where in some cereal shapes are not conducive to keeping a good marbit mixture. As shown above, the number of marshmallows in this bowl was criminally low, though subsequent bowls had progressively more and more of them. But you know what? I like Lucky Charms. I like Frosted Flakes. How is this travesty going to stand up?

My word, if all travesties were this tasty, we'd need a different, more marketable word for them. This tastes pretty dang good, actually, if you like Frosted Flakes. The additional sweetness of the marbits is more of an enhancement than a detriment. It is extremely sweet, but it carefully treads that line between very sweet and far too sweet. Nice job, General Mills.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets a solid 2 Smiley Faces. It tastes good and it looks decent, even though it probably isn't on shelves anymore. If you get a chance to try it, it's pretty good, and you can probably simulate it by buying a bag of marbits off of Amazon and dumping it into a box of Frosted Flakes. On the Trick or Treat scale, this is definitely a Treat.

Kotas Reviews Thin Mints Cereal

Girl Scout Cookies are an icon of American food pop culture. Every spring, dozens of impromptu cookie stands blossom from store fronts, pending boxes of cookies you basically just can't get at any time of the year. Sure, there are near enoughs and look alikes galore, but none of them can match the true essence of the Girl Scout Cookie. Or can they? And can they make it a breakfast cereal? Ladies and gentlemen, let's dive into Thin Mints Cereal.

What a racket, eh?

The Girl Scouts have been selling cookies since 1917, and Thin Mints since 1956. While similar to the Keebler Grasshopper, the Thin Mint manages to outdo even that venerable snack in the field of mint chocolate cookies. The perfect amount of crunch coupled with a solid mint flavoring and a chocolate coating that accents rather than overwhelms, the Thin Mint has been a favorite around the Kotas Household for over a decade. Of course, the transition to cereal format has been the death of other flavors over the years. Still, I'm a known cereal advocate and the thought of a cereal version of one of my favorite cookies held lots of appeal. Let's take a look!

Well, it looks like the stuff on the box. Not sure it's Thin Mint material though.

The scent coming off these things is basically the mint from Thin Mints, along with a hint of chocolate. It's not exactly like smelling Thin Mints, but it's pretty darn close so points for that. The cereal pieces themselves look a lot like...well, flattened Cocoa Puffs. They hold up well in milk, but...well, that ain't all there is to this is there? To sum up in the words of the Internet: 

The flavor is decent on the mint side of the equation, but there is hardly any chocolate to back it up. The first crunch has an "okay" amount of chocolate to go with the mint, but it vanishes extremely quickly leaving you with mint, milk, and generic cereal flavor. You know two flavors that don't necessarily go well together? Mint and Milk. Chocolate would give it contrast and mute the creaminess of the milk that really makes the mint taste weird, but thems the breaks. Shame, I had high hopes for this one.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 Frowny Face, mostly for disappointment. I was hoping for something truly interesting, and I have to admit that they tried to make a faithful version of the Thin Mint. Still, how you can screw up the chocolate part and expect me to accept a "mint cereal"? Oh well, perhaps they did a better job on the other Girl Scout Cookie cereal. Still, expectations are low. If you really want mint to go with sub par Cocoa Puffs, these are right up your alley. For anyone else? Pass.

Kotas Reviews (Homemade) Batman vs. Superman Cereal

Last month I took a look at Batman and Superman cereals. Why? Because that's sort of my thing, finding ridiculous things and reviewing them so you don't have to waste your time trying to figure out if it is a thing you should bother with. I SUFFER FOR YOOOOOOU!

Ahem, anyway, I had lots of cereal left over, so I did the only logical thing. It's Batman vs. Superman the movie, right? So why not a CEREAL? Ladies and Gentlemen, children of...appropriate ages! Let's take a gander at my own cereal abomination: Batman vs. Superman Cereal!

The inevitable conflict...or maybe team up...I'm not sure really.

Yeah, I pretty much just took a cup each of the cereals, dumped them in a bowl, and mixed it all up. The pieces even look good together in the bowl, though the bat shape is infinitely more recognizable as an actual shape and not just  random cereal piece. You can make it yourself, if you so choose, because this is literally the plot of so many sitcom "dad left all alone and needs to make food" jokes. What a life I lead, eh? Still, how bad could it be?

Well damned if it ain't good. The weird strawberry hints of the Batman cereal are completely subsumed into chocolate and caramel. The flavors actually mesh really well and this is a fine chocolate and caramel cereal. I thought the flavors would clash, but instead they seem to have joined forces. What gets me is how thoroughly the strawberry hints are eliminated by the mixture. It could be the cereal was just a little stale, but given that the flavor was still as strong as ever when it was by itself, I don't think that was it. Huh, for the first time like ever has a team up between Batman and Superman resulted in Batman becoming less fruity. Er, what? Nuthin'...

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 2 smileys. It's a chocolate version of the Superman caramel goodness, and it tastes pretty dang good. I wouldn't get both of these just to team them together though. That seems like a little too much effort for the sake of a joke review, but if you already have them, you might as well let them fight it out and then team up. They oughtta make a movie!

Kotas Reviews Superman Cereal

Well, we've covered one half of the summer's biggest superhero throw down, time to look at the other side of that coin. Let me level with you, I've always felt that Superman works best as a part of an ensemble because he serves as the powerhouse AND the moral compass. It his own stories, it is how those around him act and react that adds interest, because this kind of character is easy to make boring or stupid (or kind of a dick). Of course, we're not here to examine Superman as a character, but as a breakfast...

Look! Up in the Sky! It's a Bird! It's a Plane! No, it's...a cereal?

Again, they don't list the hero's name on the front of the box, but that big red S is reeeeeally hard to miss. It is also very very shiny, which it turns out the Batman box was too, but since it is BLACK it doesn't stand out nearly as much. Super fancy, General Mills! I applaud your best efforts here. So, how does it look in the bowl? 

Like, well, cereal. I expected it to be fancier...

So, this is listed as Caramel Crunch cereal. Frankly, I am surprised at this. When it comes to flavors, Caramel does not scream "Last Son of Krypton's breakfast" to me, but hey, what do I know about alien physiology? The scent is straight corn and fakey caramel. Smells pretty good actually. The look of the pieces is...well, it sucks. It is the OUTLINE of the traditional Superman symbol. With the Batman cereal, it's pretty obviously Batman (or at least, bat) themed, but this? It's pretty damn generic and bland. Which, come to think of it, is a criticism leveled at Superman from time to time. Huh. Anyway...

The taste is pretty amazing. Super, even. Nice caramel flavoring, with a hearty corn crunch to back it up. It's like Corn Pops, but instead of Honey you get Caramel instead. It's not particularly thematic, but sometimes what you want is something that just tastes good from start to finish and doesn't ask much of you. It isn't the cereal we deserve, but the cereal we need. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 2 smileys. It may not be particularly thematic, but it's damn tasty and the theme doesn't detract from it. Reliable, good, not particularly fancy...kind of like the hero it represents. If you like sugary cereal, give this one a whirl!

Kotas Reviews Batman Cereal

Well, I can finally talk about this! The greatest showdown ever depicted on screen or on page was of course gonna be a superhero brawl. It is just the sort of thing that lends itself to spectacle, really, and this year we've got some good ones! Maybe we will be treated to a couple of heroes who, due to a few poor choices and misunderstandings, find themselves at odds over fundamental questions of authority and freedom...or maybe we'll just have an illegal alien and a whiny rich orphan beating the shit out of each other for reasons. With all that in mind, I present to you the REAL showdown of the century! Batman (Cereal) vs. Superman (Cereal)!

Because actually putting the name of the hero on the box is so last year.

This first review will focus on that fan favorite, Batman! I did not read Batman comics growing up. In fact, the first real Batman comic story I read IN a comic was "Batman vs. The Hulk", because I was much more a Marvel fan during my comic collecting days. Still, then as now, DC was rocking the animated adaptations like a boss, and My Batman is the "Batman: The Animated Series" Batman. Even though I was slowly exiting my "afternoon cartoons" phase, I made a place for Batman, because Batman. It didn't hurt that the movie came out and sort of wiped away a lot of the campy, 1960s TV show public consciousness about Batman either. Sorry Adam West, you are no Kevin Conroy.

Of course, today's Batman is most informed by that of Christopher Nolan's masterful "Dark Knight" trilogy, and this cereal is only a touch removed form that. Look at that box! It's all broody and dark, and doesn't even have the name of the hero on the front! Pity the one dude who doesn't know who Batman is, am I right?

Uhhhh...I think you forgot to tell us who this is?

Chocolate Strawberry Cereal? What the ever loving crap. That doesn't make a ton of sense. Does it?

The back of the box is only slightly better..

Anyway, for a dark, brooding, adult themed movie, they sure are hawking the cereal like whoa. Most "movie tie-in" cereals tend to follow a pattern: Generic sweetened corn cereal with marshmallow pieces that may or may not resemble things from the movie. I have to hand it to General Mills, this is TOTALLY not that at all. I mean, LOOK!

It's almost like a real breakfast!

Bold move, making a Chocolate Strawberry Batman cereal. I mean, how is that even a theme? Dark and brooding on the outside, sweet and fruity on the inside? Wait...you know what, never mind. Let's just take a look at the shape: Okay, it's a bat. Very clearly a bat. Covered in cocoa. The scent is of fakey fake strawberry heavily coated in cocoa powder, which is a very distinct scent apart from just chocolate. This is why Cocoa Puffs smell different from Cocoa Krispies (which is hardly Cocoa at all). Anyway, it certainly looks like a Batman Cereal. On to the taste!

It tastes like Cocoa Puffs and Frankenberry had a brooding angsty love child before they both got shot exiting a theater. It is just BIZARRE how these flavors blend. Mix Strawberry and Chocolate Quik together and you will get some semblance of this flavor. The cocoa portion is almost overwhelming, and yet the strawberry manages to punch its way through to your taste buds. The fact that the cocoa flavor seems to be delivered by copious amounts of cocoa dust only adds to the Quik-ish experience. It's not a bad flavor really, it is just so unlike anything I was expecting from a goddamn Batman cereal. 

On the FACE Rating System, I give this 1 smiley face. I don't love it, but I find myself enjoying the novelty of the flavor and mouth feel, even if it isn't particularly "nice". It's just unlike any other cereal I've ever had, and that intrigues me to no end. It is vengeance! It is the Night! IT! IS! BATMAN CEREAL! 

Next time, we look at the (in theory) brighter, shinier counterpart...

Kotas Reviews Pumpkin Spice Frosted Mini-Wheats

I have a bit of an obsession with breakfast cereal. I'm not exactly sure when it started, but ever since I've been able to mostly choose my own meals unfettered by society's expectations (read: college), I rejoined the breakfast cereal community with a gusto. While my first love will always be the sugary desserts as breakfast cereals of my tender youth, I occasionally foray into adult-oriented cereals that try and be "hip and cool" to appeal to a younger generation. Today's subject is one such cereal, with a seasonal twist. Let's explore the world of Pumpkin Spice Frosted Mini-Wheats.

Super classy. You can tell by the lack of cartoon anthropomorphic cereal.

Shredded Wheat is not a cereal that kids will clamor for, really. In it's purest form (I believe only sold by Post these days) it generally resembles a hay bale, neatly crimped, that sits in your bowl. It is of a fairly large size, with 2 bales filling the average bowl. While the novelty of "giant cereal pieces" is intriguing at first, it quickly fades given the flavor of the cereal, which is decidedly "meh". Corn Flakes have more flavor, is what I'm saying. Kellogg's, after some interesting patent litigation, came out with a more kid-friendly variety, the Frosted Mini-Wheat, which touts much smaller cereal pieces, frosting, which is always a good sign, and some vague notion of being "more healthy" than the usual honey blasted sugar bombs that most kids oriented cereal consists of. Take a look!

Shhhh...it can sense fear.

Well, it is certainly cereal. I've always been a fan of Frosted Mini-Wheats as a concept, though I tend to get sick of them faster than other, more comforting cereals. How does this particular variety stack up? Well, it certainly has something "spice-ish" and "vaguely pumpkin-ish" about its scent. The frosting also has orange highlights, which is a nice touch for the presentation, but really, this stuff is always going to look like tiny hay bales to me. The taste is "wheat and frosting, but with added....something". It is a really vague flavor that kind of hints at maybe having been exposed to pumpkin like elements at some point in the manufacturing process, along with something that maybe is a spice accidentally added to the batch. The cereal pieces are uncommonly dry without milk, so much so that I do not really recommend eating this dry, but with milk they taste pretty good, but it's not really pumpkin spice so much as "not standard frosting". It is a mystery wrapped in wheat fibers coated with known unknowns. 

On the FACE Rating System, I give this 0 faces. It's not bad, and the flavor is pretty decent, but it is so confusing trying to figure out exactly what that flavor is beyond "sweet mystery". If you like Frosted Mini-Wheats, you might give it a try, but as a first Mini-Wheat endeavor I simply cannot recommend it. Without a frame of reference, one may just end up even more confused than I was.

Kotas Reviews Star Wars Cereal

A long time ago, in a breakfast far, far away...

Oh happy was the day that Disney decided to further consolidate our childhoods by snapping up the rights to Star Wars. It is my sincerest wish that they will end the Lucas tradition of reworking  mangling ruining revising the original trilogy and will release a digitally remastered version of the original theatrical releases...but I get ahead of myself. We're here to talk about breakfast cereal. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Star Wars the Cereal.

The Force is strong with this one...well, maybe. I mean, come on, those marshmallows can't be that heavy.

This is actually the fourth incarnation of Star Wars related cereal products. The first was the much beloved C3POs from 1984, after which was a long, long drought of Star Wars related breakfast options. In 2002, Episode II cereal was launched. Presumably, Episode I cereal was just "bran flake sweepin's" from the floor of the factory and was not released. 2005 brought us Episode III cereal, and now, we have...well, today's offering. The packaging is a "Limited Edition Box", though I'm guessing the cereal isn't maybe? This is the Darth Vader box, though there is a Yoda themed one. All of this is mildly amusing, given neither of those characters could POSSIBLY appear in Episode VII, am I right? Hey-ooooooh! Er, um, spoilers I guess? Let's see how it looks.

Your taste buds can't repeal flavor of that magnitude!

Well, those certainly are cereal pieces. I think the cereal bits are supposed to be the Millennium Falcon, an X-Wing, and a TIE Fighter, but it could also be a bear, a cow head, and a bow tie. Cereal piece art is often left to interpretation by the consumer, after all. The marbits are, in theory, two different lightsabers, R2D2, Yoda's head, a Stormtrooper helmet, and a "Jedi Starfighter", which might just be a recolored "Blue Diamond" from Lucky Charms. But how does it look in the bowl?

You ate from that thing? You're braver than I thought.

The cereal piece to marbit ratio is not my preferred "all the marbits ever, and maybe some cereal", but most cereals aren't like that so, you know, it's fine. The flavor is purported to be "fruity" and the scent is vaguely fruity, to be sure. The taste? Well, let's see. Have you ever eaten Trix? It's a lot like Trix that stopped trying halfway through its audition and said "Fuck it, have some marbits, I can't be bothered to flavor today." There is a vague artificial "fruit" flavoring, but it is not very strong and does not mesh very well with the cereal's underlying corn flavor. The marbits are simple marbits. Dry, this cereal is meh. With milk, this cereal is meh. The milk isn't even flavored much when you drink it afterward. Seems to me like this cereal was recycled from 2005, and it tastes like it too. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets One Frowning Grand Moff Tarkin face. This is a rather below average cereal, though I don't know why I expected more from it. Perhaps the box art cheered me? I don't have high expectations from media tie in cereals, but this one just seems so half hearted. Don't bother, even if you are a fan of Star Wars. Disappointment only, you will find.

Kotas Reviews French Toast Crunch

Ah, nostalgia. It currently is all the rage for thirty-somethings like myself. Recapturing our childhoods has never been easier! Transformers have been back for eight years now, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have seen several revivals and incarnations in the same time frame, including a new "live action" movie, and retro gaming is practically a genre at this point. What's not to love? Well, there is always the risk of things going to far, which brings us to today's subject: French Toast Crunch.

It is most definitely back, though I did not ask for it.

Originally released in 1995, this cereal was actually on the market as late as 2006 in the United States, and it never LEFT the market in Canada. The original release had the cereal pieces shaped like little pieces of toast (and it has always been that way for the Canucks), but later was changed too look like its sister cereal, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, with little generic cereal squares. It was resurrected in December of 2014 "due to popular demand" in its original 1995 incarnation, bread shaped cereal pieces and all. 

I do remember them, actually. I LIVED IT, MAN!

I never had any experience with this cereal, as by 1995 my breakfast tastes had moved away from such things, and of course, I never really noticed it when I was out shopping for food during the decade that followed. It vanished from store shelves with nary a peep out of anyone that I knew, and I have to say, it is hard to feel any real nostalgia for a product that was discontinued 9 years ago but claims to be "from the 90s". In any case, I go into this with few preconceived notions about what it should taste like, and will only judge it on its current merits as a sweetened cereal marketed at kids and hipsters. 

Best served during winter storm watches!

Well, I'll be damned if it ain't exactly what it says on the tin. It really does look like miniature french toast. The scent is heavily of sweetened corn and maple syrup-ish overtones. Popping a few pieces into your mouth leads to a satisfying crunch, and it has the flavor of, well, Cap'n Crunch lightly drizzled with artificial maple syrup, only without the mouth-cutting sharpness of that cereal. Very pleasant for snacking. In milk, the flavor remains exactly the same, and the cereal pieces hold up nicely, not turning to complete mush by the end of the bowl. The milk gains a nice maple syrup taste and on the whole it is quite good. Color me amazed, but I think I like this.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 2 smiley faces. I was honestly surprised that such a naked nostalgic cash grab, of a BREAKFAST CEREAL no less, would actually taste pretty damn good. It's about as french toasty as a cereal can get and a tasty treat to munch on when one is huddled up sick or trapped inside due to blizzard conditions. If you like sweetened cereals, give it a whirl. If you like French Toast, give it a whirl! If you prefer pancakes...well, you might be out of luck, but I thought it was good.

Kotas Reviews Fruity Yummy Mummy

Welcome to Day 5 of Monster Cereals Week! Today we unwrap the mystery of the final Monster Cereal, the mysterious and yet still incredibly silly Fruity Yummy Mummy! Fruity Yummy Mummy is the latecomer to the Monster Cereal party, debuting in 1988 and being discontinued in 1993. It was General Mills' second attempted at a generic "fruit flavored" cereal and replaced Frute Brute in the line up, if only briefly. Again, this is one I missed out on as a kid, usually because my cereal tastes by that point were growing up, as was I. It was originally a fruit-flavored cereal with vanilla marshmallows, but the current incarnation is the surprising choice of orange creme flavored. Will it curse us for disturbing its rest? Let's find out!

What's wrong with your faaaaaaaace?

Clearly, Ancient Fruity Egypt did not have much of a dental plan. Look at that thing! I've never seen a mono-tooth before. And check out the shoddy workmanship on the wrappings of the forehead! Coming loose like that is unacceptable! Anyway, the mascot isn't terrible. It's a cartoon mummy with multicolored wrappings and pretty much is what I imagined when I heard the phrase "Fruity Yummy Mummy". He's also the only Cereal Monster able to function at full capacity in sunlight, which explains why it is dawn on his box. Artificial Orange Cream Flavor is not what I would have chosen for my cereal, but I don't have a Fungineering degree. 

50 (well, 5) Shades of Reddish Colors!

The cereal pieces are a lot brighter than I was expecting after the Boo Berry debacle. They are red and orange, rather than the red and yellow of Frute Brute. The marbits are a bit boring in shape, with all of them either the generic "monster head" or just formless blobs, but the colors of orange and yellow are a welcome sight. The marbit density appears to be much higher than in any of the other fruit flavored Monster Cereals. Maybe this was just the lucky box! The cereal definitely smells of artificial orange cream, but the scent is not as strong as on Frute Brute. 

It's like a marker factory exploded into food

This was certainly an orange cream flavored cereal. It actually tastes like that, even if it is the fakey flavor you get from, well, every orange cream flavored thing ever. It is not a super strong flavor, but it is distinct and the marbits give a shock of flavor similar to Boo Berry. The difference is that it actually works in the cereal's favor. The Dry Run isn't bad, about on par with Frankenberry, but the Gold Standard? Wow, that orange cream flavor is very noticeable but not overwhelmingly so. The high marbit density means that each bite tastes pretty darn good, rather than a wasteland of awful punctuated by berry-ish "not badness". The cereal does degrade faster in milk than Count Chocula or Frankenberry, but gosh darn it, I still like it. The Aftermath is still a bit disappointing, though the milk was at least orange cream scented this time. I think I actually like this!

On the FACE Rating Scale I'd give this 2 smiley faces. It actually accomplishes what it set out to do in making an orange cream flavored cereal. Now, if you don't like orange cream (and I get that not everyone does) this is totally not the cereal for you, but if you do like it, give it a whirl. 

Thus concludes the glory of Monster Cereals Week! Hopefully I'll be able to do more Theme Weeks in the future, as I had a lot of fun with this, despite the boxes of leftover cereal. I have to say, Count Chocula still stands above the rest as my favorite of the five, but Fruity Yummy Mummy comes in as my next favorite. Frankenberry is probably better for people crazy about strawberry flavoring. The worst of them is probably Boo Berry, simply because it was all around awful, which I think is due to the current formulation. Frute Brute was just a shocking failure in the flavor department, even though it looked and smelled so good, which summoned the Twin Dragons of Disappointment: Excitement and Expectation. See ya'll next time!

Kotas Reviews Boo Berry

Welcome to Day 4 of Monster Cereals Week! Today we explore the world of the only incorporeal cereal mascot around, the groundbreaking Boo Berry! Boo Berry was released shortly after Count Chocula and Frankenberry made their debut, and was the third Monster Cereal. It was also the world's first blueberry flavored cereal, and I think it may be the only blueberry flavored cereal that's still around...if it's still flavored like blueberries. I remember this being fairly decent...if you like blueberries of course...when I was a kid. Let's take a peek into this spooky world of revisionism!

His eyebrows will haunt you forever

This mascot is definitely the hipster of the bunch, I mean, look at that HAT! And who wears a tie anymore? Does he have to go to the ghost formal? Is there a ghost office job where he files ghost paperwork and downs three ghost martini lunches? OH MAN. HE'S THE GHOST OF DON DRAPER! THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH! Still, he's got a certain style about him, definitely the most fashionable of the Cereal Monsters. Like Frute Brute, this is "Artificial Berry Flavor Frosted Cereal"...which means it probably tastes nothing like blueberries, because "berry" is a very generic term. I mean, it's not something completely made up like "Sharkleberry" or "Purplesaurus Rex", but it never actually tastes like anything nature produced.

I've got...only a tiny amount of the bluuuuuuues...

The cereal pieces are a deep, dark purple-ish color that is pretty much Not The Blue I was Expecting, and the marbits are the same colors as in Frankenberry. Same shapes too. Way to be a copycat, Boo Berry. Couldn't even use a proper shade of blue, had to go with "ugly purple" eh? Well, I guess we all have to make compromises in these tough times. The smell is definitely artificial berry-ish, though it is not very strongly scented, which is surprising. How does it taste?

It's not really all that appealing looking as something to eat

Well, it tastes stronger than Frute Brute, I'll give it that, though it is not exactly a high bar to leap over. The Dry Run was okay, I guess. It doesn't really taste like blueberries, but it does have a berry-ish flavor for the cereal pieces and the marbits. Where the surprises came in with this one was during the Gold Standard. I don't know what the deal is, but milk changes the flavor profile a LOT. It dampens the flavor of the cereal bits (though not to nothing), but it makes the marbits' taste much more acute. The effect is to give a mild berry flavor punctuated by little bursts of stronger flavor. I suppose the effect is kind of like eating blueberries in other, better cereals. That may be too much thought into it. The odd thing is...after some time in milk, where the other cereals (even FRUTE BRUTE to the degree that it has flavor) had their pieces stay crunchy and somewhat flavored, this stuff? Not so much. The pieces become soggy and lose a LOT of their flavor. I thought this might make the Aftermath better, and while it does have a hint of berry scent, the milk is pretty much flavorless. Odd.

Overall, on the FACE Rating System, I give Boo Berry 1 frownie. I've never had a particular desire to seek out a blueberry (or just "berry") flavored cereal, but if I did, this would not satisfy. It does have more flavor (at least until it sits in milk for a while) than Frute Brute, but the lack of visual appeal and oh so sad milk sturdiness leave it behind the other, better executed cereals. I'm gonna say it: I think it was better when I was a kid.

Kotas Reviews Frute Brute

Welcome to Day 3 of Monster Cereals Week! Today we examine a beast that hasn't been seen in over three decades, the mysterious Frute Brute! Some fun facts about Frute Brute. First, it was originally called Fruit Brute when it was first released, and purported to be "fruit flavored cereal with key lime marshmallows". The current incarnation changes the spelling, presumably to conform to whatever regulations there are about naming something "Fruit" when that something contains little to no actual fruit. It also changes the flavorings. This is a "cherry flavored cereal with spooky-fun marshmallows". How does it stack up? Well, let's take a look!

Is it just me, or does he sport an Elvis style this go around?

The mascot himself is...uh...kind of uninspired. He's pretty much any old generic cartoon werewolf with some green overalls on. I liked the original incarnation with the jaunty hat much better. Still, he's on theme and the art work IS well done. Huh, I just noticed that the same damn castle is on each of the boxes. I guess that is where they all live? Why would a werewolf live in a castle? Oh, and this is "Artificial Cherry Flavor Frosted Cereal". That does not inspire confidence. I don't know much about how this tasted when I was a kid, because they stopped making it before I had any say in what I ate for breakfast. I'm told that Knoxville favorite son Quentin Tarantino is a HUGE fan of it though.

No monochromatic color schemes in sight!

It's nice to finally see some risks being taken with this cereal. We have double the number of colors for the cereal pieces and marbits in purple, pink, and orange! The red ghost pieces are a "more different red" than the Frankenberry ones, and the yellow ones are a nice contrast. Not pictured is the rare "orange" piece that I found after these pictures were taken, clearly the result of dye cross contamination. The marbits were all in the "monster head" shape (or maybe just blob shaped) so that was a bit of a step back. This stuff has a very, VERY strong smell of artificial cherry flavoring, what in my youth I would call "red flavor". Let's see how it tastes!

Will it live up to the hype? You make the call!

Spoilers!

NO.

Sadly, the visual and olfactory portions of the experience are the best part of this giant bowl of disappointment. I didn't expect it to blow me away, but it was simply amazing how little flavor there was, especially after the smell was so strong. The Dry Run was like eating vaguely cherry-ish flavored sugar coated packing peanuts, sprinkled with marbits that tasted like any other "generic" marbit. Not even a hint of cherry flavoring to be had in them thar marbits, let me tell you. The Gold Standard was a little better, with the milk releasing a bit more flavor. That flavor was a very generic fruit-like flavor though, and only sort of resembled the artificial cherry flavors that the smell tantalized us with. Not awful, but certainly not up to the standards of Frankenberry's distinct strawberry taste. The Aftermath left us with very good smelling, but very weak tasting cherry-esque milk. You let me down, Frute Brute. You let Tarantino down. You let all the fans out there in Internet Land down. 

On the FACE Rating System, I give this 1 frownie face. It would have been lower, but the cereal looks great and it was nice to see a bit more visual variety in this incarnation. Too bad the taste couldn't keep up with the sight and the smell. I mean, if it's called Frute Brute, I expect the flavor to hit me in the taste like, well, like a Brute. Let's hope your predecessor Boo Berry can do better!

Kotas Reviews Frankenberry

Welcome to the second day of Monster Cereals week! Yesterday we took a gander at the snazziest breakfast vampire to ever hawk cereal. Today, we look at his oft-misunderstood counterpart, Frankenberry!

Made with Whole Grains! And LIGHTNING!

As a wee lad, I never appreciated Frankenberry as much as Count Chocula. Most fruit-flavored cereals of my day focused on multiple fruits (Froot Loops, Fruity Pebbles, Fruity Marshmallow Krispies, etc.), so a "single fruit" cereal was somewhat rare. Also, I wasn't that big into "pink" for the color of my breakfast. As time passed I came to appreciate this stuff a bit more, especially the design for good old Frank. I mean, look at him! Built in goggles, a random gauge on his head, a whistle...could Frankenberry be the first Steampunk mascot?

Frankenberry was always portrayed in the commercials as the more fun loving of the Cereal Monsters, up for any old shenanigans so long as he got to deliver his cereal to kids. Huh, it sounds a lot creepier when you put it that way. Anyway, it's claim to fame cereal-wise was that it was a SHOCKING color of pink. The original pink coloration was some pretty nasty stuff, being nigh indigestible for a lot of kids and leading to some worried calls to doctors before they switched recipes. Let's look at the modern incarnation.

Yeah, not very pink is it? I left out a marbit that IS pink, but other than that? Not much pink to be hand in this strawberry cereal. The ghost pieces are more a dark red, and the marbits come in purple, white, blue, and pink. They are shaped like ghosts, bats, and "monster heads" maybe. It carries an unmistakable "totally fake strawberry" scent that you usually only smell when eating really cheap strawberry-ish candy. I will say that it is unlike any other fruit flavored cereal I've eaten.

No pink to be found in this sad lie of a bowl

Unlike Count Chocula, the cereal pieces do not have a strong strawberry flavor. It's there, but it sort of shares the spotlight with that generic corn cereal taste. The marbits on the other hand are incredibly strongly flavored of artificial strawberry. Did you ever get a Strawberry Crunch Good Humor bar? Yeah, it tastes almost exactly like the strawberry ice cream you find in those. 

The Dry Run of this cereal is decent. The flavor is not nearly as strong as with Count Chocula, though the marbits are certainly more noticeable in the mix. It retains the milk-defying properties of the Count, so the Gold Standard tastes pretty good. The milk adds a nice dairy contrast to the fake strawberry taste, and again, the Aftermath is a crushing disappointment. Where Count Chocula at least had a bit of chocolate flavor, this has almost none. Frankenberry is not one to easily give up its secrets, even to the awesome power of 2% milk!

On the FACE Rating System, this one gets 1 smiley face. I like it as a change of pace from Count Chocula, but it will never be my "go to" Monster Cereal. I do like the mascot though, and think he adds some interest to the marketing. Tomorrow we have a Howling Good Time with our recently returned buddy...FRUTE BRUTE!

Kotas Reviews Count Chocula

Hey everyone, it's the middle of October! Do you know what that means? It means the MONSTER CEREALS ARE BACK! What's that? You don't know what the Monster Cereals are? Let me tell you! So, years and years ago (1971 to be exact, thanks Wikipedia!), General Mills decided that a series of monster themed breakfast cereals might be a big hit. They were right, mostly. Very, VERY loosely based on the Classic Universal Monsters, the Cereal Monsters are (in order of appearance): Count Chocula, Frankenberry, Boo Berry, Fruit (or Frute in the modern incarnation) Brute, and Fruity Yummy Mummy. They are some of the most processed, sugary, terrible for you cereals known to human kind. And I love them So. Very. Much!

Today's review will be the first in a series as I eat my way through all five current incarnations of our lovable teeth rotting monstrosities who want nothing more than for you to enjoy their delightfully artificial cereal products. Part of a balanced breakfast...if that breakfast consists of a head of lettuce and maybe a piece of fruit.

The first victim entry is the one with the most longevity: Count Chocula. He was one of the very first Monster Cereals (along with Frankenberry) to emerge from their devilish slumber and was the last one to still be available all the year round (until 2010, when all the Cereals went seasonal). Let us examine our subject!

I vant to be in marketing!

As you can see, the current box art is pretty snazzy, even if it does go with that "way to close to the camera" perspective so popular with Hollywood these days. He's creepy and he's cooky, but not particularly terrifying. Which is probably pretty good considering you want your kids to BUY your vampire themed cereal. He also does not sparkle in sunlight, which is a plus.

When I was a kid, Count Chocula was always my favorite, as I absolutely loved chocolate flavored cereal. I also happen to be a fan of tiny marshmallows (or marbits as the cereal aficionados call them). In the olden days, the cereal pieces were round wheel shaped things, and the marbits were just little TicTac looking things. But now? BEHOLD.

LOVE ME.

The cereal pieces are spooky ghosts! And the marbits? Well, they are uh...I think that's a bat...and that might be a spooky ghost..thing. And a blob. Or maybe another ghost? Whatever, they are certainly bigger than in the old days. "Spooky-fun Marshmallows" indeed. This stuff smells like Lucky the Leprechaun and Sonny the Cuckoo Bird crammed their respective cereals together and THIS is the result.

Part of this balanced...uh...you know what? Screw it.

It's pretty attractive in the bowl, with good visual appeal. The old stuff was sort of generic looking breakfast cereal, but with the current shapes it actually feels like a MONSTER cereal, or at least a Halloween themed one. The cereal pieces taste a lot like Cocoa Puffs, but coated in this sugary substance that adds a bit of extra sweetness (and durability in milk). The marbits taste vaguely chocolatey, but otherwise like any other marbit from a cereal.

There are three stages to sugary kids cereal tasting: The Dry Run, where you eat the cereal without milk, The Gold Standard, which is cereal and milk together, and the Aftermath, which is how the leftover milk tastes when you are done. The Dry Run of Count Chocula is pretty tasty, and I would (and do) totally eat this stuff as a snack or dessert sans dairy.

Unlike a lot of kids cereals (The Pebbles line is particularly notorious), it does not completely disintegrate in milk, so the first bite is only a bit drier than the final bite during the Gold Standard experience. The Aftermath however, is a mild disappointment. You see, I'm used to cereals like Cocoa Puffs and Cocoa Rice Krispies, which turn your milk into a yummy after breakfast treat. This? Well, the milk DID pick up some cocoa flavor, but it was really weak and kind of sad. I suspect the sugary stuff that coats the pieces prevents flavor leeching, so I suppose it is an okay trade off.

Overall, I give this 2 Smileys on the FACE Rating System. It is probably one of my top cereal brands of all time, though it isn't good enough to rate number one. The Count himself is one of the most personable mascots ever, in that fun-loving spooky (but not really scary) kind of way. Tomorrow, we examine his direct counterpart, Frankenberry!