Kotas Reviews the Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino

We are in a shining age of food promotion ladies and gentlemen. New exotic flavors of old favorites are being released, limited editions abound in the grocery aisles, and restaurants are feverishly trying to find the Next Big Thing that will bring you into their doors. All in pursuit of that ever shrinking "disposable income" slice of the economic pie. So, this takes us to our new trend. The Time Limited Edition. Let's take a look at that rarest of beverages...the Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino.

Fucking Majestic, right?

Starbucks is not known for its stunt foods. Other than the occasional seasonal offering that gets super popular for no reason (looking at you, Pumpkin Spice, uh, Everything!), Starbucks keeps the menu pretty stable and doesn't try too many "outrageous" promotional things. Until now that is. So, I don't know if you know about it, but "unicorn food" has been a food trend for a year (and since the New York Times is reporting on it, soon to no longer be a trend at all). The idea behind it is to take ordinary boring regular food and make it "magical" by adding an assortment of colorful dyes, marshmallows, sprinkles, or whatever to make it more cheerful or "unicorn-esque" if you will. Yeah, I don't get it either, but whatever. So this is the Conglomocorp Version of such a whimsical online trend, and boy howdy does it look it. 

Sprinklepocalypse!

So all of this leads us to the actual Frappucino itself. Well, it's brightly colored purple and blue, the sprinkles on top are cheerful, and who doesn't love whipped cream? This thing looks like something a unicorn would definitely excrete is what I'm saying. The chemical engineering here is incredible, and the visual is absolutely amazing. It is popular too, since I had to go to two different Starbucks to track one down. The closest Starbucks to my house ran out in a unicorn-based frenzy of purchases. Lucky for me, there's like 2 more Starbucks within 5 minutes of the first one I tried. At the second one, one of the baristas expressed disbelief in having a store run out of the things. She then proceeded to show me the box the various mixes came in. I left a good tip for her. Still, on with the show. Let's have a taste!
My initial sip was sort of meh. I was all "this is what people are raving about"? It was generically sweet, but it didn't have much flavor at all, which is NOT what I want from my purple-blue-besprinkled hallucination drink. So I gave it a tiny stir. Well howdy flavor, there you are! It tastes like a liquefied Sweet Tart, though occasional periods of "more sweet" and "more sour" occur as you drink it. I am given to understand it is made with a mango syrup at some point, but I tasted no hint of mango. There was a vaguely "berry-ish" overtone to both the sweet and sour portions, much more so with the sour, but it's the kind of fake flavor you get with "berry" flavored gummy snacks. The sprinkles on top are delightfully Warhead sour, for those of you familiar with the candy, and I enjoyed them very much. Once the drink blended a bit better, I enjoyed the heck out of it. I love sweet and sour candy and this hits all those marks effortlessly.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 2 Smiley Faces. It's a stunt food that basically manages to pull off the effect it is going for, and what it is going for is something I dig. I couldn't help but grin ear to ear when I was buying this because it looks so completely insane, and the flavor, while not insane, is unusual and delicious, if completely artificial. I rather liked this drink, and I may pick up another one before its time runs out. Only available until April 23, 2017, so get out there and get one before they are gone. Unless you hate Sweet Tarts, then totally skip this one. Still, I predict that if this is popular, it will be like the McRib. Something you only see periodically through the year, and something completely fabricated in a chemical plant.