Kotas Reviews the Arby's Rib Sandwich

 Uuuuuh...hi. Been a long time since I poked around in here. Honestly, it's been a pretty rough couple of years for me. Between well, EVERYTHING, and my own personal hardships, my mental state has been less than optimal. In June of this year, my father, disabled for many years due to a stroke, passed away. Dealing with that has taken a toll. All that said, there is daylight at the end of this long, stupid tunnel, and perhaps this blog post is one of the first steps out. Or maybe I was just SO FUCKING OFFENDED by a sandwich that I had to talk about it. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's dive into the Arby's Rib Sandwich.

This is from the Arby's website. Not representative of real life.

There have been a lot of food trends that have passed me by. The Age of Flavor is upon us still, despite all the insanity, and I must commend Arby's for trying to stand out from the crowd with something rarely offered: Ribs. We're still recovering from the Great Chicken Sandwich Wars of the 2020s, but Arby's just keeps on trying to keep our spirits up with its ridiculous concoctions. So let's talk ribs!

I'm a big fan of barbeque, and I'm a big fan of ribs. Rib-oriented food joints don't tend to do well (R.I.P. Smokey Bones...at least in my area) without also providing a fuller barbeque experience. Still, the only rib sandwiches I'd had previously were from weird hole in the wall barbeque joints that serve it surly and with a side of sass. Boy that shit is good. Sure, McDonald's has the "McRib", but it's more of a "rib inspired pork sandwich" than a real rib sandwich, right? This appears to be much more like the real deal. Let's eat!

It is a sad day indeed when I bite into a huge chunk of rib meat and realize that it Has. No. Flavor. Like, the meat is chewy nothing. There's texture, sure. It's even the texture of well cooked rib meat. But the flavor is just...absent. All I can taste is the barbeque sauce (which is fine) and the mayonnaise. The cheese might as well not even be there. The onion toppers are fairly good though, so kudos on Arbys for that. What a fucking huge disappointment this is, because the sandwich LOOKS amazing. Like a real rib sandwich. There is just NO FUCKING FLAVOR at all. What a waste of space this thing is.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 2 Frowny Faces. It didn't poison me, but I never want to eat it again, and neither should you. To simulate the flavor, get a bun, slather it with mayo and BBQ sauce, then put some onion rings on it, and finally, tofu bits. Now you know exactly how this thing tastes. (Not that tofu is bad, just that without other flavors it adds nothing but texture.). DO NOT buy this. 

Kotas Reviews Gingerbread Oreos....Again

 It's Christmas Eve everyone! What could be more Christmas-y on this night than Milk and Cookies! And what better cookies to leave out for a fat guy in a red suit than Oreos! Like, seriously roughly half their marketing budget goes to convincing children that, rather than hand made cookies filled with love, what Santa really wants is mass market sandwich cookies! And you know what? It's not necessarily wrong, given what a shill Santa is for Coca-Cola. So, let's talk Christmas Flavored Cookies, eh? Ladies and Gentlemen, let's dig into Gingerbread Oreos...Again

These are very different from the "Four Years Ago" edition.

You know, usually when Nabisco reissues an Oreo flavor, it's just the same thing again. Sometimes these reissues turn into regular flavors, such as with the Lemon and Mint Oreos. This is a much rarer re-release, because these gingerbread Oreos are completely unlike the ones from 4 years ago. Those were vanilla Oreos with gingerbread creme. These are gingerbread Oreos with "regular creme with bits". Literally the only thing they share is the name. The package here is much more interesting. The traditional Oreo blue and white, but with a lovely gingerbread house and a picture of the cookie itself. Looks good! But how does it look on the inside? Let's find out.

I always have a soft spot for little pictures on my cookies.

You know what? I like these cookies. They look great with the little "winter" designs on them. The "subtle" messaging continues since they have "Oreos for Santa" on at least one of them, and they smell like a pretty decent commercial gingerbread. Kudos on the look and odor. Still, how do they taste? Well, a lot like a frosted gingerbread cookie. I don't particularly like the "sugar bits" in the creme, because I hate gritty food, but it's not bad. Tastes a lot like commercial gingerbread cookies with icing. Which is pretty decent. A lot better than the last outing Nabsico.

One the FACE Rating System, this gets 2 Smiley Faces. Pretty good, but not something I would want outside of the Christmas Season. Miles beyond their last effort in this space though. If you like gingerbread cookies, go get these and enjoy them! I sure did.

Kotas Reviews Lay's Salted Caramel Chips

 Well, well, well, we're coming down to the end of the longest year in the history of time. There was an election, there's hopefully a vaccine on the way for the pandemic, and I've watched literally every Star Wars movie available. This past year has felt like a decade, and that's roughly how long its been since I wrote in this blog. Consider this my apology, but it's been real hard to be funny in these trying times. Still, the weird shit keeps getting made, and despite a very long lapse, here we are. Ladies and Gentlemen, today we take a look at Lay's Salted Caramel Potato Chips.

The pandemic has clearly driven the flavor makers mad.

You aren't seeing things, we've got an honest to Grinch dessert style potato chip. Now, the Salted Caramel craze has sort of passed us all by sometime..a couple of years ago, but hey, I can state that it is good to see attempts at innovation in the potato chip space beyond "sprinkle a slightly different salt on it". Not since the Cappuccino chips have we had anything close to this. I'm actually excited! Are you excited? Let's rip into 'em!

Well, they could be fancier.

Well, they ain't much to look at honestly. Just Lay's chips with some sort of extra dust on them, but not a lot of it. The smell though is a weird chemical caramel-ish scent that is honestly kind of off putting. Like, Willy Wonka was trying to solve his caramel shortage by making some faux caramel, and THIS is the result. Well, maybe it'll work as a flavor. 

Nope, it does not. This is the flavor of things that purport to have caramel in them, and do have some attempt at caramel, but honestly, it ain't caramel folks. It's tryin', but it's failin'. That said, it's not bad exactly, it's just amazingly not good. Off putting and weird is basically the only emotions eating these pulls from the wizened husk that is my heart. My 7 year old distained them, and my spouse passed on them after a few bites. I did finish the bag, but I would not ever buy these again. 

On the FACE Rating System, these get 2 Frownie Faces. They aren't good, by a country mile, but I can appreciate the attempt. A for Effort, D for Result. If you see this and you MUST try them, don't say I didn't warn ya.

Kotas Reviews Sour Patch Kids Chips Ahoy

Hola Peeps. Been a long while since I rapped at ya, probably around two months or so. It's been quite a time lately hasn't it? Fire, flood, murder hornets, hurricanes, earthquakes, long toilet paper lines, Leo-nard Bern-stein....it's kind of a mess is what I'm trying to say. Still, someone has to try and keep up morale. Unfortunately, they are all occupied with important work, so you've got my stupid food shenanigans. The terrible show should probably not, but still will, go on. Today we take a look at the culinary abomination known as the Sour Patch Kids Chips Ahoy. 

Man's Hubris, Writ as a Cookie

Sweet mother of Crap. Now, don't get me wrong. I love, love, LOVE me some Sour Patch Kids candy. It's basically heroin for sour candy lovers, and the flavors are all just as bold and ridiculous as they need to be to make the experience pleasant. As for Chips Ahoy, they're...fine. I'll eat them, but I really don't go out of my way to ever buy them or other wise acquire them. But what long strange trip was someone on that they felt that a SUPER POTENT SOUR FRUITY GUMMY CANDY was the perfect thing to include in a chocolate chip cookie? Ugh, let's get on with it.

The packaging is fine. It is exactly what I'd expect to see, a Frankenstein-esque mashing of two things that should never be put together. At least both components are properly represented, so props to that? Also, it appears that they at least took out the chocolate. Or maybe they just dyed the chips red for reasons known only to the monster that birthed this terrible, terrible thing. I'm going to guess that person's name was "Lavinia Whately". Let's open this up.

That Wretched Enemy of Life and Flavor

It's even worse than I imagined. The smell is of the worst artificial wax scent mixed with an awful stench that is probably supposed to be some kind of berry, but really just smells like the offspring of essential oils and Scrubbing Bubbles. The taste is "cookie" mixed with wax and chewy rubber, with a hint of citrus. There's an awful chemical flavor of sweetness that just overwhelms the taste buds in a really bad way, and the texture of the cookie clashes with the weird waxiness of the red chip things and the, well, gumminess of the gummy fragments that someone decided to embed in these. Augh. At least there is no lingering aftertaste. My palate clears this out with a quickness. My kid claimed to have liked them, but when offered three as an extra snack she TURNED IT DOWN. Not even the sweet obsessed young 'un went back for more. The real treason here is that there is exactly ZERO SOUR flavor at all. How do you fuck that up? These are Sour Patch Kids! Holy Hell!

On the FACE Rating System, these get 3 Frowny Faces. They aren't as bad as some things I've eaten, but good LORD these are just fucking terrible all around. There is no reason to ever buy this, unless you hate yourself, but I suppose if you are solely going to use them as a prank, they are non-toxic. That is probably the nicest thing I can say about them. Yuck.

Kotas Reviews Twinkies Cereal

Man, I don't know what is up with this new ad campaign from a crap beer is all about, but people are going nuts! Closing schools, shutting down businesses, I'm work from HOME now...I mean, all because of the "Corona, Buy Us" ad campaign? Sure, it's a little over the top but I just don't see why...wait, what? It's not an ad campaign? Virus? Huh.

Well, nevermind! The outside world is a godless hellscape littered with empty toilet paper rolls and empty hand sanitizer bottles, and I'm crouched in what passes for my home office trying to make sure that people can upload documents to a server. Also, Corona Beer still sucks! But we're not here to talk about that today. Today we have something very special for all of you stuck at home craving entertainment and some form of social contact (Which is tough titty for you, because DON'T FUCKIN' LEAVE YOUR HOUSE). Yes, the first official cereal of the apocalypse has arrived, and of course, it's Twinkie based. Ladies, Gentlemen, War Boys and Girls of all ages, let's take a long hard look at Twinkies Cereal.

Rule #1: Cardio

Not since Ice Cream Cones cereal has a product been less suited as a breakfast been placed on our soon to be empty store shelves. I mean, I've not shied away from many an unusual breakfast, such as: pizza, leftover pad thai, half a hamburger, an assortment of scraps from a veggie tray, and so forth, but never in all my days have snack cakes been a part of breakfast...UNTIL NOW.

The packaging basically looks like a Twinkie box, only with a bowl full of Twinkies Cereal (apparently being forcefully injected into the bowl, by the milk splash) the the arc of Post in green above it. That green really clashes with the rest of the aesthetic, in my opinion. Still, it gets the point across. Let's pour us some.

Cereal or packing material? #WhyNotBoth

Yeah, that looks like a bowl full of tiny Twinkies, it does. The smell is "super sweet vanilla and a hint of corn". The taste is...well, it is very very sweet. Like, super sweet. Sickeningly sweet. Very vanilla too, and the cereal pieces themselves are quite crunchy, even after a prolonged dunk in milk. There's just something very...off about the flavor for me. It's not terrible, but I find it off putting. Now, all snack cakes tend to have a bit of chemical-ish flavors to them, but this is that flavor severely ramped up. Maybe I can only taste it because I am now considered an Old? My kid loves the stuff. No accounting for taste, eh?

On the FACE Rating System I give this 1 Frowny Face. It doesn't taste much like a Twinkie, though it gets the "fake chemical" flavor down and ramps it up far more than anything should be. It's sweet enough to choke a unicorn. This may be the cereal for you, but I will fuckin' pass. I just wish I had a different cereal to endure Stephen King's The Sit Down with.

Kotas Reviews Lime and Jalapeno Ruffles

Hello Sports Fans, it's been a while hasn't it? Well, that's just how we roll on in today's cavalcade of flavor options churned out ceaselessly by Corporate Food Companies. Seriously, I can't even keep up with the onslaught of new and varied flavors of things anymore. Every time I go into the grocery store there is something new and different to try. Still, the occasional really interesting thing pops out, and that's what we have for today's experience. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Lime and Jalapeno Ruffles.

I should probably know who Anthony Davis is, but this is the world we live in.

So for decades, athletes have been used for food advertising. For decades they've even had their faces on the packaging. However, this is absolutely the first time in my experience that a flavor was...uh...developed? Approved by? It says "By", so I'm going to assume Mr. Davis here came up with it. The packaging is spot on. Not only does it put the flavor front and center, the image of Anthony Davis is out of the way without being pushed aside. It's a delicate balancing act, but this pulls it off. Good job, Frito-Lay. Now, let's tear open this bag and see what we can see.

It ain't much, but it's honest flavor dust.

Yeah, yeah, this continues the tradition of Jalapeno flavored things generally having an underwhelming appearance. I mean, it's Ruffles with tiny green specks. Shocking, eh? The scent is exactly what you would expect. Fake-ish lime scent with some Jalapeno mixed in. Let's taste! First off, damn these things are spicier than I expected. Second, they are also damn good. Normally I don't like artificial lime flavoring, but either they've used a different one that I've tasted on other chips or the jalapeno essence they used just compliments it really well. Really strong lime flavor, big hit of pepper spice, and it fades fairly quickly if you let it. These are delicious, and the bag did not survive my household long.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 3 Smiley Faces. You really have to be in the mood for spicy lime flavor, but this thing delivers that flavor by the truck load, without being too much in either the lime or spice direction. Bravo Anthony Davis. If that whole basketball thing doesn't work out, perhaps you could be a Flavorgineer? 

Kotas Reviews Hot Cocoa M&Ms

Hello 2020! Looks like we finally made it to the next decade folks (except for you pendants out there who insist the next decade is next year. You can wait a year to party then) and it is NOTHING like what I envisioned. By this point I was sure I would be suffering from cyberpsychosis from too many implants, complaining about how terrible Jaws 19 had been 5 years ago, celebrating the 15th anniversary of the coming of Unicron, or possibly 3 years into the War with Skynet. Boy, aren't I disappointed? Well, there's one sure fire way to soothe my disappointed soul: Candy! And what better candy to ring in the new year than M&Ms! They are basically fat pills, and delicious. Of course, it is winter, so we should jazz it up a bit! THE FUTURE IS NOW! Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Hot Cocoa M&Ms.

Saucy.

So, I love a good hot chocolate. From the Swiss Miss packs of my youth, to full on melted chocolate and heavy cream, hot cocoa is absolutely delicious and incredibly warming to my palate. I don't often get to indulge in this, because it's kind of a pain in the ass even if you take short cuts, but I sure do love it when I get it. Santa must know me pretty well, since I got a whole BAG of these in my stocking this year! That was super thoughtful of him! Let's take a look!

Well, the packaging is on fleek. I think we can all agree that Mars has their marketing for these things down pat. I am a bit concerned about the presence of white chocolate. I'm not a fan of white chocolate, and I find its presence can actively detract from candy. Let's see if it is the case this time.

Well, that's not great

Well, the color palette is kind of okay, except for the weird tan ones. I guess that's supposed to be the hot cocoa diluted with whipped cream? I mean, eh? Whatever, all is forgiven if the candy is good. However, the candy isn't good. White chocolate, with some vaguely artificial marshmallow-esque flavoring, along with a hint of milk chocolate. It's not poison, but it's definitely not Hot Cocoa. The dominant flavor is White Chocolate, and then the other stuff really only comes through in the after taste. I can eat these, but I choose not to.

On the FACE Rating System these get 1 Frowny Face, mostly for disappointment. If you like white chocolate, these might be up your alley, but for me it only holds sadness and a feeling like I was lied to. Kind of like this year, actually.

Kotas Reviews Roasted Turkey Pringles

Just hear those sleigh bells ringing and jing-jing-jingling toooooo. Come on it's lovely weather for a really weird snack food revieeeeeeew! Happy Holidays everyone! We (well, I, but humor me) here at Kotas Reviews Everything recognize that things have been a lot quieter around these parts this year than usual. Part of that has been a step up in things that have taken time away from this fine vocation, and another part of it has been a lack of inspiration. It's one thing to be hilarious about food when "weird food" wasn't common, but nowadays? It's hard to come up with truly hilarious commentary when it seems every brand now has some variety of "wacky" flavor that is generally just bad. The (admittedly somewhat niche) market is also becoming a bit saturated as well, with YouTubers known for other things getting in on this action. Still, when I have a particularly good insight, I'll chime in with my thoughts and I do try to review everything my readers request. Mostly. But you ain't here to listen to me complain about getting old and fat are ya? Nope, let's have a peek at Roasted Turkey Pringles.

Every Day we move farther away from Colonel Sanders.

Well, it's finally happened. Someone FINALLY iterated on the poultry flavored snack food beyond "chicken" and "chicken-adjacent" flavors. My beloved spouse brought these home from a trip to the local Food Store(tm) and I immediately knew I had to say something about them. It's not like savory flavored chips haven't existed before, but much like the glorious Steak and Onion chips, these purport to inflict the consumer with a full on main course experience. Willy Wonka would be so proud! The artwork is basically perfect. Pringles logo and name prominently on the front, background is super on theme with the homey checker tablecloth and a big ol' roasted bird up front. On fleek, Kellogg. On fleek indeed. Let's pop and hopefully be able to stop!

Saaaaad trom-boooooone.

Well, I can't deny that I'm super disappointed in the presentation. There's nothing in the way of flavor dust to make these look like "special" Pringles. The scent is basically on point. Smelling like cafeteria roasted turkey. You know the smell, right? It's not super strong, but it is definitely there. The flavor is also fairly balanced. There's some potato flavor, and it takes a backseat to a rather disturbingly accurate roasted turkey flavor. Salty, savory, turkey with Pringles is what was promised, and exactly what was delivered. However, I don't know that it is a flavor I particularly enjoy. It's not bad, and lord knows the "poultry snack" market could use a good shaking up, but I don't think it is something I would ever ask for again. I wouldn't turn it down though.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 Smiley Face. They certainly deliver what was promised by the can, but like so many things in the world I don't think that is what I actually wanted. I'd eat them again certainly, but I wouldn't buy them. If you are super into Chicken-in-a-Biscuit, these will blow your freakin' mind though, and you should get them. This year, give the gift of Turkey! In Chip Format!

Kotas Reviews Trader Joe's Pumpkin Tortilla Chips

Well, it's definitely Fall for real now. Its coming was heralded by brisk mornings, having to dig out your jacket, and pumpkin spice flavored everything. It also leads to more gatherings where you can sit outside in comfortable clothes and nice weather. In fact, it was one such party which is directly responsible for the review you are about to read. A co-worker's spouse noted I had a blog, and a few days later I was presented with today's subject, courtesy of that lovely person. I am certainly not one to refuse such a humble request, and this item intrigued me. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Trader Joe's Pumpkin Tortilla Chips.

Trader Joe has been hitting some weird shit lately.

Ah, Trader Joe's. They are the little gourmet grocery store that sort of can, since they carry a lot of what I would term 'quirky' foods and not very many mass market name brands. Still, I do love to get food from there is generally tasty. Fun fact, they are owned by Aldi's, which has been making some strides into my local area. Small world, eh? Whatever. Trader Joe's is known for its many many MANY self branded foods many of which have quirky names: Trader Joe Ohs being the name of their cereal brand. They also carry Charles Shaw wine, or "Two Buck Chuck" which is a cheap way to get wine drunk, even if it's more than two bucks these days. That brings us to today's offering.

The packaging is fairly plain, as is common for Trader Joe's stuff. Got the name of the store, the name of the product, and a photo of the actual product on the bag. Nothing too fancy, but I like honesty in packaging. These look like heavily spiced chips, and I predict they are sweet. Let's open it up!

Well, they aren't much to look at.

I'm not sure why tortilla chips needed ground pumpkin seeds added to the flour, or why it needed cinnamon and nutmeg spicing, but here we are in all our confusing glory. The scent upon opening the bag is distinctly Not Sweet, though there a touch of nutmeg and cinnamon in it. I guess they aren't meant to be sweet? The flavor is pretty much "corn chip", but with some extra nuttiness from the pumpkin seeds used and a subtle bit of nutmeg and cinnamon. There is zero sweetness here, but that's okay, it's mostly just a corn chip. The flavor isn't bad, it's just not particularly good either? It just sort of is. Corn chip with accent, if you will. I did like that on a few of the chips you can see fairly large pieces of pumpkin seed, so it's got that going for it.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 0 Faces. They are, in a word, chips. Eat them plain or with salsa if you like tortilla chips, avoid if you don't. The cinnamon and nutmeg flavors are there, but not really strong enough to make an impact. Much the same can be said for the pumpkin seed portion. It's there, but it's not spectacular, it's merely okay. Try them, or don't. 

Kotas Reviews the Impossible Whopper

Hello Everybody! It's been a while since I wrote here about stuff, but work's been a bear and the things I am reviewing are taking a lot longer to properly consume. Still, I did find some time for something interesting. In fact, I know a lot of people who are banking on this being the hot new trend. But, you know, we'll see, won't we? Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a big ol' bite out of the Impossible Whopper.

Two all beef patties special sauce wait a sec...

Burger King was never my favorite fast food place growing up. Sure, they had the better quality food products, but as a wee lad I was more about the toy that came with the meal than the meal itself. As I got older, I came to appreciate the Whopper as a much better alternative to the Big Mac, but apart from their onion rings, Burger King's other offerings were "okay" at best. These days, the idea of 'flame grilled' sounds better than it used to, though I do not often indulge because Burger King is inconvenient to me. So how did I end up looking at this burger?

Road trips are not uncommon for me, and ever since Wendy's changed their fry supplier, I've been looking for better road trip food. This most recent trip my buddy convinced me this would not only be a good idea, but a fantastic idea. I admit that the whole concept of the Impossible Burger intrigued me, so I agreed to the meal. 

Impossible Foods was founded in 2011, and the Impossible Burger was initially rolled out to relatively upscale restaurants starting in 2016. In 2018, it started selling at White Castle, and the big push now is with Burger King, and the Impossible Whopper. Then there's little ol' me, picking up a Whopper just to see what it is like. Let's find out.

Yup. Looks like a Whopper all right.

Well, upon unwrapping the burger, it definitely looks like a standard Whopper. It mostly smells like one too, though there's a hint of nuttiness that is different. The taste? Well, on one hand, it's a Whopper. It's decent, as far as fast food burgers go, but it ain't fine dining. On the other hand...oh man, it tastes like a burger. Now, it doesn't taste exactly the same as a Whopper, but if this had been wrapped in a regular Whopper wrapper, the only thought that would have crossed my mind is "Huh, I guess they changed the seasoning or something." I even tried a bit of the burger by itself with nothing on it. It IS different from the beef patty in a Whopper, but not by a lot. It's a Whopper, and the quality ceiling on a Whopper isn't high, but damn if this basically fulfills that space. 

On the FACE Rating System, I give this Two Smiley Faces. Not so much because it is a Whopper (which is a decent yet unexciting fast food burger) but because this meatless Whopper very closely resembles the meat-ful Whopper. If every fast food joint suddenly switched to these type of patties, I bet most people wouldn't care. Damn fine job Impossible Foods. Now, figure out how to make me a steak and we'll be in business!

Kotas Reviews LucioOhs

It is a new golden age of cereal production, I think. There are literally hundreds of brands of cereal, and almost every type now has at least two or three variations of it. There are 15 types of Cheerios alone...no, wait, 16. Blueberry just got released it seems. Anyway, what is generally lacking is a vast assortment of licensed cereal properties. Oh sure, the occasional Limited Edition run of something like Star Wars will pop up for a few weeks when the movies are released, but Ralston cereals were on the shelves for YEARS, only changing the packaging as things were released. So imagine my surprise when I saw a new cereal on the shelves...and watched it remain for months, rather than weeks. Ladies and Gentlemen, today we look at LucioOhs.

Let's BREAK IT DOOOOWN!

Oh, Overwatch. Since its release in 2016, Overwatch has become a global phenomenon in the video game world. It brought a polish to the team shooter not seen since Valve was still making video games and has ridden a wave of success ever since. It's got a huge eSports scene (funded heavily by Blizzard Activision), brings in loads of cash with its loot box system (which it popularized), and has inspired a particularly ridiculous amount of pornographic fan art. Now it's also a cereal I guess?

Well, the box art is on point for sure. This is some classic early 90s style promotional cereal artwork right there. Lucio is one of my favorite characters from Overwatch, so I'm glad to see him get some spotlight. I do have to question the actual name of the cereal. Lucio-Ohs? Really? That's like a parody name, what with the double O construction. Luci-Ohs would have been cleaner. But who cares about that, let's get to the cereal!

I'm honestly surprised they didn't go with a chocolate flavor. It's for the best, really.

The cereal itself looks a lot like Froot Loops. It smells heavily of vanilla, and that is also reflected in the taste. The coloring is just for looks, being Lucio's primary skin theme of green and yellow. It's very sweet, but not tooth hurtingly sweet. The vanilla and corn flavors go quite well together. Hey, this is pretty good! You really don't see too many takes on the vanilla flavored cereal, so it is nice that this does it well. I think I like this. Huh!

On the FACE Rating System, I give this one 2 Smiley Faces. You might even say that this is my jam, at least some of the time. I even picked up a second box, and since my kid loves it, probably a third. If you like vanilla, and really want it in a sweetened cereal unmarred by other flavors, this is the cereal for you. Just don't expect it to help you actually be good at Overwatch.

Kotas Reviews Hardee's Froot Loops Doughnuts

As the father of a 1st grader, fast food restaurants feature prominently in our regular "going out to eat" rotation. I'm not proud of that fact, but my child genuinely enjoys going to various fast food joints to eat mass produced culinary crimes against humanity. To be fair, so do I as my regular reader can tell you. Thus whenever a new "gimmicky" thing comes about, I do my best to give it a whirl. Especially the desserts. Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a look at Hardee's Froot Loop Doughnuts.

Gloriously colored!

It's no secret that I love doughnuts. This blog has a number of doughnut related entries over the...7 years I've been writing here. Further, I also love a good bowl of cereal, enjoyed as a dinner experience as often as it is breakfast. So when Hardees announced they were putting these two things together, I rushed right out and...totally missed the first time this was offered. In August of 2018, this item hit the streets and I...didn't. I couldn't tell you why I didn't immediately seek it out, since I happen to enjoy Froot Loops, but it didn't happen. Luckily for me, one of my friends tipped me off that it was headed back to stores and lo and behold, I was finally able to find it again! My gain is your...gain? I guess? Whatever, onto the review!

A less flattering arrangement.

Sadly, my local Hardees did not put these in the special box that were advertised, but I'll be honest, it is precisely the kind of box you'd expect Froot Loops doughnuts to come in. Opening this inferior yet still serviceable box I was immediately struck with the overwhelming scent of Froot Loops cereal. Boy howdy did they get that right. The flavor of each doughnut, while they look like they should be different ones, is exactly like a doughnut laced with Froot Loops flavoring. Each color tasted the same as every other color, just like real Froot Loops. I mean, it is truly amazing how they distilled that flavor into doughnut form. However, the doughnut portion of this is where it kinda falls apart. For it does taste of Froot Loops, but it tastes of STALE Froot Loops. I don't know if it is endemic to the whole line or just my particular serving, but these were not soft and delightful doughnuts. They were instead stale, crumbly doughnuts that also carried a perfect Froot Loop flavor. The mouth feel is of eating stale bread, and not great, despite the overwhelming sweetness of the Froot Loop essence. They were, at best, "okay". 

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 Frowny Face. Kudos to Hardees for being able to absolutely replicate the smell and flavor of Froot Loops for a doughnut, but 50 DKP minus for the doughnut itself being completely sub par. I think that if these were fresh, they would be much, MUCH better. If you think your particular outlet of Hardees/Carl Jr's would have them fresh, definitely try them. If, like me, you have no confidence in this fact, don't bother. Just go eat a box of Froot Loops and weep for what could have been. 

Kotas Reviews Lowrey's Bacon Curls MIcrowave Pork Rinds

Ugh, I'm still recovering from my month long birthday and office move hangover, and thus I haven't reviewed anything in weeks. That's okay though, I knew it was gonna be a tough month. Of course, when I'm hung over there are few things more comforting and less healthy for you than gas station pork rinds, am I right? But how can I get that feeling without even leaving home? Ladies and Gentlemen, today we review Lowrey's Bacon Curls Microwave Pork Rinds

You know damn right!

Not gonna lie, I actually really like pork rinds. They are basically bacon chips and my favorite flavor is barbecue, but I ain't that picky. They are also (relatively) low in calories, though all of those calories are fat. They have a bad rep in foodie circles, but I still like them occasionally. Still, I've certainly never said to myself "You know, these are great, but wouldn't they be better if I prepared them at home?" So it came as quite the surprise when a giant fuckin' box appeared on my doorstep shortly after my birthday and had THESE inside! 

I can honestly say that it never even occurred to me that such a thing could exist, let alone be sold in a giant multi-pack like these. Lowrey's is a sub-brand of the Oberto Beef Jerky folk, and they have been around since at least 2009, according to one taste test I found online after a quick search. Who knew, right? Anyway, the instructions are basically "Put it in the microwave for around a minute, stopping it when the bag finishes expanding." Naturally, I did exactly that. It has a disturbing sizzle during the cooking process and the bag does inflate. The odor of cooking isn't "fish in the microwave" bad, but it's not amazing either. Let's rip it open!

Yup, those are pork rinds

 Straight from the bag, these are most definitely pork rinds. The vast majority were nice and warm and airy, though a few were denser, and a couple which I figure are the pork rind equivalent of unpopped kernels of popcorn were small, dense, and mostly inedible. The taste is that of a pork rind, vaguely bacony pork flavor, with a nice hot spice applied to it and some vaguely Cajun-esque spices to go with the heat. They ain't bad, is what I'm saying. Still, for such a weird product they are essentially just pork rinds and not particularly fine ones at that. Tasty, but nothing special.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 Smiley Face. The novelty of their preparation falls away quickly, leaving them to stand on their mostly average flavor. If you like pork rinds in general, you will probably like these, but unless novel cooking methods fascinate you, you can safely skip these. I will finish the box though!

Kotas Reviews Mexican Jalepeno Peanut M&Ms

I suppose some people never learn a lesson. No matter how much you try and teach them a thing, all you get is a vague nod and then six months later they do the exact same thing wrong, again. One can only shake one's head at it, and either give up, or try again, hoping for a different outcome. Well call me stupid, because here I go again. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's dive in to Mexican Jalepeno M&Ms.

Thanks, I hate it.

This is not the first time Mars has come out with a spicy peanut M&M, but I guess it's been three years and they needed something as filler for their latest promotion, which is "International" flavors. Now, jalepenos make sense here, because they are widely grown in Mexico, and can be used in a lot of traditional Mexican cuisine. But...really? Just Yellow holding a bunch of peppers in a sombrero? Where's the Mexican flag? The package is green, sure, I get it, but...this is it? The art is very disappointing is what I'm saying. I don't even get the color scheme they went with: red and green for the peppers, sure. But...why yellow? Because it is the 'famous' peanut M&M? White would have been MUCH better to really hammer home the International theme as those would be the colors of the Mexican flag. This just screams of laziness. Oh well, maybe it'll taste good. 

This is just sad.

Well, it looks like M&Ms. So that's cool, I guess. Why the hell are we using Peanut M&Ms for this? The flavor is just like it was with the Chili Nut M&Ms: Peanut M&M, then hot. I thought I maybe got the barest hint of jalepeno-esque flavor at one point, but I think I can chalk that up to wishful thinking. There's nothing Jalepeno about this, it's just the same old crap repackaged in slapdash "international" packaging. I don't really see the appeal of mass produced chocolate and "burning", but I guess I don't understand marketing.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 Frowny Face. I don't get why these needed to exist, but I gather they needed something for their dumb ass promotion and slapped this together in about 3 days. Don't buy these, don't bother with these. If you really need spicy chocolate and nuts, sprinkle some cayanne pepper on a Mr. Goodbar and save yourself some trouble. They ain't paying me enough for this job.

Kotas Reviews Buffalo Wing Cheez-Its

More and more flavors just keep showing up in random places, and in ways I never expected. If you told me five years ago that I would one day be eating electric potato chips I'd have called you mad. But, here we are in this timeline and not another more different timeline where those chips don't exist. So of course we're gonna look at Cheez-Its now. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a gander at Buffalo Wing Cheez-Its.

100% Real Advertising

Cheez-Its are one of those snacks that has just always been around. Introduced in 1921 by the Green & Green company, and now a part of Kellogg under its Sunshine Biscuits subsidiary, Cheez Its were always the comfort food of my mother. Growing up they were always around my house, but since I'm not a fan of cheese crackers in general, they aren't something I eat very often. A saltier, slightly greasier variant of the Goldfish, they just never did anything for me. I'd eat a few if I had nothing else to snack on and just couldn't wait, but other then that? Incredibly meh. Like Funyuns. Have you ever seen anyone actually BUY Funyuns who wasn't being affected by a mind altering substance? I haven't, and yet somehow I keep seeing them on the store shelves, and you know, I'll have a few if the bag is there, open, and there isn't anything else there. Suffice it to say, these ain't thrillin' me generally. Let's see what we've got. 

Well, this is certainly a Cheez It box. The art here isn't particularly interesting, but it does communicate the new flavor and has a picture of that flavor on it. The edge of the black square being similar to a Cheez It is also a nice touch. I do wonder at the choice of flavors though. When I think "buffalo wing" I have never really thought of it in the context of cheese, other than blue cheese, and let me tell you, Cheez Its aren't even remotely related to blue cheese, despite the shared idea of cheese. Let's crack it open.

Woo.

Yeah, these aren't terribly exciting out of the box either. The pic above is a little washed out, but they just look like Cheez Its with a slightly redder bit of flavor dust on them. Very hum drum. The flavor though? Well, let's just say I was very surprised. These have a really nice vinegar buffalo wing sauce taste, though without the giant hit of peppery heat that usually accompanies wing sauce. There is a touch of heat, sure, but it isn't the primary component and is more of a "oh, right, this is supposed to be buffalo wing flavor" afterthought. What they don't really taste like is a Cheez It. The cheese base of the cracker is almost completely muted in this particular outing, which is actually a good thing for me, but probably not to Cheez It fans. Definitely a surprise!

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 Smiley Face. If I am ever in the mood for a strongly flavored snacking cracker, these are up there on my list. However, they are still Cheez Its and thus not completely amazing, and a true Cheez It fan won't find much here to recommend unless they are also fans of "not hot, vinegary, buffalo wing sauce". Definitely give them a try, but be warned these aren't really for everyone.

Kotas Reviews Sailor Boy Pilot Bread

There are those among my friends and acquaintances who would call me a gourmand. After all, this blog is proof that I go out of my way to sample new and interesting (if not always tasty) foodstuffs. Unfortunately for them, I cannot state that I am. While I might in fact be a foodie, albeit one with a very warped sense of what consists of "food", my palate is about as refined as plywood. So what better way to put all this to the test than to sample some fuckin' hard tack? Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Sailor Boy Pilot Bread.

He's very jaunty, that Sailor Boy.

So, I love crackers. Wheat, oyster, buttered, water, or saltine I am a huge fan of most forms of cracker. This probably stems from my adoration of bread, but I love crackers. One type I've never tried, mostly because why would any sane person desire it, is the humble hard tack biscuit. A very simple product made of flour, salt, and a touch of water, then baked hard to serve as a source of stored calories for soldiers and sailors, hard tack was one of the first formalized forms of rations for various wars in the past. Civil War enthusiasts make it for various reenactments, but since the military switched over to canning it hasn't been too popular. It is noted for its extremely long shelf life, durability, and difficulty in eating. What it is not known for is flavor. Well, occasionally I get interested in "old timey" stuff (curse you Jas Townsend & Sons) and saw a bit about hard tack. Now, I'm a lazy man at heart, so I went looking around for some to buy. Lo and behold, Sailor Boy Pilot Bread came up as one of the only commercially available hard tack esque product around. And hey, it's on Amazon! So I ended up buying a 2 pound box. The artwork is delightfully "retro". I'm sure it's fine. Let's see what they look like!

With peanut butter jar lid for scale.

Well, look at those beauties! These things are quite sizable and thick, much thicker than things I normally consider to be crackers. They are slightly greasy to the touch too, probably because of the palm oil used to make them. Historical side note, oil in hard tack isn't really a thing, but these are not exactly authentic hard tack. Still, they do maintain some of the properties of such, like long shelf life, and durability. However, the real question is: how do they taste? The answer might shock you!

Well, probably not. They taste a lot like unsalted crackers. It's nothing to write home about, but they are decent enough crackers if you like something more substantial than saltines. They go well with soups and stews, and can add body when broken into smaller pieces. Bland, but fairly nourishing, with each cracker weighing in at a hefty 100 calories each. I can see why survival minded folk would like having these around. 

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 Smiley Face. I do actually like the flavor, but most of that is my rampant bread lust shining through, as these have a much more breadlike flavor than most crackers to me. They aren't anything more than they seem to be, and that suits me just fine. Give 'em a try if you get a chance, but don't go crazy. They will keep a very long time, so they would be great in as part of a flood or tornado kit. Also good for warding away Wendigos, or so I've heard. Anyone else feeling a bit peckish all of a sudden?

Kotas Reviews Simple Truth Natural Turkey Burgers

We live in a modern age full of modern conveniences, especially when it comes to food. Electric powered ovens and stoves help us cook food we store in our refrigerators, or we can simply summon a car with a driver to deliver unto us whatever food we desire (at least so long as they have an UberEats arrangement). Truly, we live in a world where more good food is available than any one person could possibly eat. So let's look at some of that convenience food. Ladies and Gentlemen, we take a look at Simple Truth Natural Turkey Burgers.

It's the Simple Truth, this is a box from my freezer.

It's not exactly a secret that I am not the best at cooking preparation. How I long for the extravagance of having a prep chef available for when I decide I feel like cooking something that involves more than "open bag, add to boiling water, drain and serve". Still, I do enjoy grilling and I also enjoy burgers of many variations. My spouse and I have also had good success using chicken burgers from this same brand, so when we accidentally picked up these instead we figured we would be just fine. 

Simple Truth is the brand name for the Krogers in-house brand of organic grocery products. Yeah, yeah I know "organic" is just a marketing label, but many of their foods are actually fairly tasty, like the aforementioned chicken burgers so we keep some of them in the house. The packaging makes the patty look to be pretty good, though I have no idea what the hell it is supposed to be resting on. Is that pimento cheese? Bleah! Anyway, I cracked the box.

Yeah, those are frozen ground meat patties alright. Into the pan they go! They acted pretty much like any other pre-made frozen meat patty, so I'll skip the details, but they done cooked up right pretty. We also added some Worcestershire sauce for a bit of extra flavor. Let's put it on a bun!

Yeah, that's a burger. With ketchup and mustard no less.

 When I bit into my burger, something was off, but I couldn't quite place it. Was it the texture? No, the patty was nice and well done without being dry. The scent? Well, turkey isn't known for its heavy odor, so that wasn't it. It took me a few more bites, but I finally figured out what was wrong: the patty itself had exactly ZERO flavor. Literally all I could taste was the bun and the smear of condiments I had placed upon it. There was no turkey flavor at all. At first I thought it was me, so I asked my spouse what hers tasted like. She thought for a minute and said "Oh. Nothing. Weird." As a final, somewhat icky test, I found a bit of protein juice that leaked out of the patty and cooked up in the hot pan. On a chicken burger, this stuff has an incredibly strong chicken flavor if you eat it (or so I've heard *cough*). For this patty? It was like chewing paste. No flavor at all. What the ever-loving shit is this trash?

On the FACE Rating System, these get 3 Frowny Faces. How the hell do you fuck up a meat patty? Apparently by draining every iota of taste out of it. If there was a white can just labeled "FOOD", this is how I would expect it to taste. Hardtack has a more nuanced flavor profile than this garbage. Stay the hell away!

Kotas Reviews Flamin' Hot Dill Pickle Remix Lay's

This job hobby glorious sideshow that I call a blog has brought me to lots of strange places over the years. From float tanks to plays about abstract art, my desire for tens of fans has presented me with numerous unusual situations. Though, if I'm honest, most of those experiences have been in the grocery store picking out weird ass food flavors. Today is not going to be an exception, and hoo boy, the folks down at Lay's are really smokin' up lately. Ladies and Gentleman, today we dig into Flamin' Hot Dill Pickle Remix Lay's.

What is even happening now?

Man, this bag looks like the late 80s exploded all over it. Hot neon pink highlights, ridiculous font choices that vary between words, use of the word "remix" in a non-musical context, this packaging has it all. It even has accurate pictures of both the flavor items AND the final product! Rad I tell you! Now, if you are a regular reader of this blog, as I know both of you are, you will know that when it comes to spicy snacks, I want more than just heat. There has to be flavor too. The "Flamin' Hot" sub-brand is very hit or miss when it comes to these, but the addition of dill pickle seems...very strange. It's not like Dill Pickle is a flavor that most people want to eat. I mean, I do, but I a damn Internet Weirdo so I don't think I am representative of most people. Still, they keep makin' 'em so someone's gotta be eatin' 'em. I must admit I am dubious of the validity of this flavor combination, but here we are. Let's eat.

Flavor Dust Storms are a real problem on Planet Novelty

Yeah, the chips are just reddish, as is expected from something labeled "Flamin' Hot". It is however not quite as red I as I would expect. The scent is heavy on the dill and 'spice' notes, that sends little burning sensations up the nostrils. I'm sure it's fine. They taste like Dill Pickle chips with a lot of heat added to them. The combination works surprisingly well really. The dill pickle flavor is strong but not overwhelming and the spice is heavy but does not subsume the dill pickle. The potato flavor is there too, though much muted compared to the other two strong flavors. I wouldn't have thought that "spicy dill pickle" would be a chip flavor I would enjoy but once again Food Science has humbled me.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 2 Smiley Faces. They aren't amazingly good, but they are a fine chip to have when you want something spicy and savory. The dill pickle/heat combo is excellent, but it isn't something I would want to eat all the time. If you like dill pickle chips and spicy snacks, treat yourself to these before they are out of stores. However if you dislike either of those, this combination will only have you sad and burning.

Kotas Reviews Electric Lime and Sea Salt Lays

Ah, it's Spring. The time of hay fever, 30 degree temperature swings over the course of 8 hours, and whatever new flavor monstrosities that Lay's has cooked up for us over the winter. We're reaching the long tail of this phase of flavor expansions though, as you'll see. I've seen this before, when a company has run through innumerable flavor combinations and just starts jamming together crap and slapping a weird name on it. I saw it with Kool-Aid, I saw it with Oreo, and I'm seeing it again with Lay's. But ya'll ain't here for a history lesson, so let's get to it. Today we review Lay's Electric Lime and Sea Salt chips.

Wavy, because shut up!

Here we go again down the rabbit hole of chip flavors that the Lord Himself never intended. I do appreciate a willingness to experiment, but at this point I think the R&D folk are just snorting flavor dust and randomly assigning things. Eh, let's get on with it. The bag is actually kinda cool, with a shiny foil edging, but the main picture, while well staged, is just sorta...meh? If it's so damn electric why aren't there lightning bolts or something around the lime and sea salt? No, it looks like an unfinished art installation. Still, it's not terrible and a meh package often conceals a taste sensation. Shall we open it? WE SHALL!

I bless the green flakes on my WAAAAAVY CHIIIIIIIPS! (with apologies to Toto)

They ain't much to look at, are they? They sort of resemble sour cream and onion chips, and have a similar looking flavor dust: white with green specks. What makes these electric again? I guess there is only one way to find out! Well, that wasn't what I expected, but I guess you could call it electric. The tang of citric acid is incredibly strong on these chips, almost overwhelming the lime flavor, but not quite. Additionally, the potato flavor is also incredibly strong, which doesn't mesh well with citric acid. You know what is really weird though? There is almost NO salt flavor! That's right, a chip whose two claims to fame are Lime and Sea Salt, only managed to get one of them even on the chip. Now, it's not a terrible flavor. I did not spit it out, and I will finish the bag eventually. It's just incredibly weird and disappointing. I think the lime part may have had a sweetness to it that somehow cancelled out the salt flavor, because these are potato chips so OF COURSE they have salt on them. It is just a really baffling flavor.

On the FACE Rating System, these chips get 1 Frowny Face. I can appreciate creativity and novelty as much as the next person, but this is just something that happened when a few of the people down in the Flavor Lab got high and started hallucinating. If you really love citric acid, and also think that it would go great with potato, I suppose these are the chips for you. For me however, I will move on to other, hopefully actually decent flavors.