Kotas Reviews Sour Patch Kids Chips Ahoy

Hola Peeps. Been a long while since I rapped at ya, probably around two months or so. It's been quite a time lately hasn't it? Fire, flood, murder hornets, hurricanes, earthquakes, long toilet paper lines, Leo-nard Bern-stein....it's kind of a mess is what I'm trying to say. Still, someone has to try and keep up morale. Unfortunately, they are all occupied with important work, so you've got my stupid food shenanigans. The terrible show should probably not, but still will, go on. Today we take a look at the culinary abomination known as the Sour Patch Kids Chips Ahoy. 

Man's Hubris, Writ as a Cookie

Sweet mother of Crap. Now, don't get me wrong. I love, love, LOVE me some Sour Patch Kids candy. It's basically heroin for sour candy lovers, and the flavors are all just as bold and ridiculous as they need to be to make the experience pleasant. As for Chips Ahoy, they're...fine. I'll eat them, but I really don't go out of my way to ever buy them or other wise acquire them. But what long strange trip was someone on that they felt that a SUPER POTENT SOUR FRUITY GUMMY CANDY was the perfect thing to include in a chocolate chip cookie? Ugh, let's get on with it.

The packaging is fine. It is exactly what I'd expect to see, a Frankenstein-esque mashing of two things that should never be put together. At least both components are properly represented, so props to that? Also, it appears that they at least took out the chocolate. Or maybe they just dyed the chips red for reasons known only to the monster that birthed this terrible, terrible thing. I'm going to guess that person's name was "Lavinia Whately". Let's open this up.

That Wretched Enemy of Life and Flavor

It's even worse than I imagined. The smell is of the worst artificial wax scent mixed with an awful stench that is probably supposed to be some kind of berry, but really just smells like the offspring of essential oils and Scrubbing Bubbles. The taste is "cookie" mixed with wax and chewy rubber, with a hint of citrus. There's an awful chemical flavor of sweetness that just overwhelms the taste buds in a really bad way, and the texture of the cookie clashes with the weird waxiness of the red chip things and the, well, gumminess of the gummy fragments that someone decided to embed in these. Augh. At least there is no lingering aftertaste. My palate clears this out with a quickness. My kid claimed to have liked them, but when offered three as an extra snack she TURNED IT DOWN. Not even the sweet obsessed young 'un went back for more. The real treason here is that there is exactly ZERO SOUR flavor at all. How do you fuck that up? These are Sour Patch Kids! Holy Hell!

On the FACE Rating System, these get 3 Frowny Faces. They aren't as bad as some things I've eaten, but good LORD these are just fucking terrible all around. There is no reason to ever buy this, unless you hate yourself, but I suppose if you are solely going to use them as a prank, they are non-toxic. That is probably the nicest thing I can say about them. Yuck.