Kotas Reviews Caramel Apple Pop Tarts

Well, looks like Caramel Apple has joined the general pool of fall seasonal flavors. Hooray I guess? It was the new hot flavor of 2015, and now it's just another mainstream regular. So clearly we had to have it crammed into a Pop Tart. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a gander at Caramel Apple Pop Tarts.

Does this really need "Limited Edition"? No. It does not.

Honestly, I've never seen the big damn deal about Caramel Apples. They are kind of messy, annoying to eat, and the proportion of caramel to apple is never proper unless you serve it up sliced, and slicing one of these things up (as opposed to dipping apple slices in caramel sauce, which is the proper way to do this) is a pain in the ass. But well, here we are. I'll say, they made a bold choice in using a green apple for the decoration, since in food flavor land those are generally considered to be...significantly more tart than a standard red apple. The packaging is otherwise meh, and I don't know why it kind of looks like there is a hint of snowflakes or whatever in the swirly designs. Did you recycle this from your gingerbread Pop Tarts? Le sigh, let's get on with it.

Brown and green. The perfect color for a tasty pastry.

You know, these look mildly unappetizing, what with the toxic waste green drizzle on it. Still, it smells kind of like apples and maybe caramel. Let's crack one open and peer into the drippy, gooey insides!

Oozing is a fair description here.

This is another "flavor striped" version of a Pop Tart, much like their S'mores offering. There's a stripe of obviously "apple" filling and then some beige goo that is clearly supposed to be caramel flavoring. Honestly, the flavor is reasonable for this sort of thing. There is an apple component that is recognizable, but the caramel is weak enough that it's just sort of sugary without context. It mutes the apple-ness, which I think is a problem. These would be a lot better if the whole filling was the apple stuff, and let the caramel notes come from the frosted parts. As it stands it's kind of a muddle in the mouth.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 0 Faces. They are, at best, okay. I will finish the box, but I would probably never pick these over a more standard flavor, even if I was in the mood for something else. Give them a try, because hey, at least they aren't any more expensive than any other Pop Tart.

Kotas Reviews Dunkin' Donuts Chocolate Mocha Pop Tarts

When I was a kid, I can honestly say I never thought that cross branding would be a thing. If you had told me when I was 8 that there would some day exist Swedish Fish Oreos or Peeps Strawberry Milk, I'd have laughed at you and told you that you were crazy, and yet...this is the world we live in. Also, I suppose Pop Tarts are a good vehicle for that sort of treatment. Let's take a long hard look at Dunkin' Donuts Chocolate Mocha Pop Tarts.

Limited Edition, which is always a symbol of quality.

Well, there it is. It's no Baconated Grapefruit, but hey, what is in this wild workaday world? So, let's talk packaging. It's fine. The Dunkin' Donuts logo is front and center, along with a small yet tasteful picture of a drink served in no Dunkin' Donuts ever. Oh, and I guess the Tart itself is prominent. There has been a trend with these specialty Pop Tarts to put a decorative swirl on the frosting, and I have to admit the pictured one looks pretty good. Then again, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice... Let's open this puppy up.

Double Helix? What does it Mean?! Mediocrity, probably.

Well, this looks mostly like the package, which is usually a good sign. The smell is mostly chocolatey, with a hint of something coffee-ish to go along with it. The filling looks like their standard chocolate filling like that used in the S'more flavored Pop Tarts. Let's eat!

The flavor is very chocolate in nature, with some vanilla or cream flavoring from the frosting. It is very sweet, but not overpoweringly sweet, which is a nice change of pace. The "mocha" side of this, by which I mean coffee, is mostly non-existent in the taste. There is almost a hint of it in a bite or two, but it doesn't linger and isn't really noteworthy. If I didn't know these were supposed to be Chocolate Mocha, I probably would have just called them Chocolate Cream Pop Tarts or something along those lines.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 0 Faces. They taste fine, but they aren't worth seeking out, and they basically fail to live up to half of their flavor name. Try them, if you are in the mood for a sweet, but not too sweet, Pop Tart experience, but don't expect to get Mocha'ed in the face or anything. It's just not there.

Kotas Reviews A&W Root Beer Pop Tarts

Once in a great while, one comes upon an artifact from yesteryear. Seemingly lost in time, one finds that they appear to have stepped into an age which no longer exists but in the minds of people, and in fact may never have existed. There, one finds an A&W restaurant, and has a mug of root beer from their keg. I wish that is what had happened, but instead, I got Pop Tarts. Today we review A&W Root Beer Pop Tarts

Well, it being in a Pop Tart is new, for sure.

Named for Roy Allen and Frank Wright, A&W Root Beer has been a fixture in American Pop Culture since 1920. One of the first franchised restaurants in the United States to go national, today it is mostly known as a brand of root beer distributed by the Doctor Pepper Snapple Group. Occasionally one will find an A&W restaurant, usually on a secluded bit of highway, and it is often a surreal experience. When was the last time you had a frosted mug at a fast food place? Still, I do wonder at the pairing of root beer and Pop Tarts, of all things. Well, let's have a peek at 'em.

Double your...something something.

I'm not sure why there are sprinkles on this Pop Tart. They mostly serve to make it look dirty. The Pop Tart on the right also had way fewer sprinkles, again for unknown reasons. They smell vaguely like those weird gummy root beer candy things you see in "old timey" bulk candy stores. The crust is also brown, supposedly to resemble root beer. I'm sure it's fine.

Just....fine....

Well, it was not fine. The goo inside looks like...well, it looks awful. It smells like chemicals and fake root beer flavoring, and the taste is like you freebased a root beer gummy, burnt and terribly chemical. The overall experience is like eating warm, mushy ooze on a plain cracker while somewhere someone is burning a root beer gummy and making you smell it. It is freakin' god AWFUL how bad this is. I ate a single Pop Tart. I threw away the second. The remaining Pop Tarts were left on a counter at work to snare the next unsuspecting victim in their unholy clutches. May God Have Mercy on my soul for this one. This is the kind of thing I would feed people I hated and wanted them to suffer. No. Just...no.

On the FACE Rating System, this rates THREE frowny faces. Fuck this Pop Tart, fuck the box it came in, burn the factory it was made in to cleanse the world of its putrescence. Never Eat These. Ever. Don't even THINK about it, or They will get you. Who are They, you ask? Oh dear....THEY KNOW! It's too late for me, but maybe...RUN! Ia, Ia! Cthulthu F'gan! YOG SOTHOTH! IT STILL MOVES! 

Kotas Reviews Orange Crush Pop Tarts

Orange soda is one of those cultural touchstones you don't actually hear about much. Growing up, it was not the soda of choice but it was always there, lurking in the cabinet at the gas station, patiently waiting for you to get tired of the same old choices. There have been a lot of orange soda choices in the world, but only two have really made a pop cultural splash: Fanta (Don't ya wanna...have a Fanta) and Crush. One is associated with a singing group of women dressed in very bright colors. The other is associated with a defoliant and an alternative rock band. So, clearly, we have to combine this sentiment with Pop Tarts. Let's take a look at...Orange Crush Pop Tarts

I've got my spine. I've got my Orange Crush.

Sweet Monkey Jebus, LOOK AT THIS. My eyes are going to burst from this visual assault upon them. I don't even know where to begin with this insanity, but I guess at the top. It does a good job of keeping the branding front and center for both products, but that background is just so damn...orange! The pastry itself is depicted as a whirling insanity of orange and white, presumably for any VOLS fans out there (Go Big Diabetic Orange!), and I do like the little spiral design. Just...maybe tone it down a bit. Anyway, will the actual product hold up?

Collar Me, Don't Collar Me. Comin' in Fast...Over Me.

Well, I suppose not every artistic design translates well to the Pop Tart canvas, now does it? The filling is an appropriately intense orange color, but the frosting pattern is very...smushed. It's almost as if the vast industrial machinery required for modern packaged pastry production isn't suited to subtle artistic flourishes. Imagine that! Still, we don't eat Pop Tarts for their looks, do we? NO. We eat them for the sugar rush that accompanies them! Let's eat!

Well, that was a raging disappointment. It's not bad. In fact, it's pretty decent. What it isn't is particularly good. The filling is both super sweet and super sour. It's like eating a sugar cube that's been wrapped with orange zest by itself and is mouth puckering in the contrast. However, eating it with the rest of pastry tones down the bitterness very nicely...maybe a bit too much, since the orange flavor is now much more muted. It's very strange, actually. You'd think this would be a sugary flavor explosion of orangishness in your mouth, but it's more like "sweet with some vague hints of orange". Like eating orange sherbet that's not particularly orange-y, or a creamsicle that has way too much vanilla. I had high hopes for these.

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 1 frowny face. It's not awful, and I am finishing the box, but I certainly won't get them again. This is yet another in a long line of foods that promise "crazy super flavor intensity" on the box, and utterly fail to live up to that promise. Eat them if you are offered them, because they are still Pop Tarts, but don't bother buying them. Go listen to R.E.M. and think of better foods instead. 

Kotas Reviews Cinnamon Roll Pop Tarts

I've waxed nostalgic about cinnamon rolls in the past, and I still stand by those words. The Cinnamon Roll is my go to baked good of choice. It straddles the realms of doughnuts and cakes, and yet is a unique spin on both. Ah, how I love thee, Cinnamon Roll. If only there was a good way to encapsulate your wonders in a toastable food product. Oh wait, I guess we have Pop Tarts. Let's get on with this.

I suppose it is at least trying

I like Pop Tarts. They are basically a comfort food, and there were a couple of weeks in grad school where I ate almost nothing but Pop Tarts for dinner, because they had a yuuuuuuuge sale. They also have a stupid amount of flavors from the humble Frosted Cherry to, uh, more unique offerings. Me, I'm a traditionalist. I like me some Cherry, Strawberry, and that's usually about it. Most other flavors are meh, and some are just...why are we calling them breakfast when they are more like dessert? Anyway, this one looks alright. It's Frosted, but not in a ridiculous sort of way, and the filling looks like yummy nummy cinnamon roll filling! Let's see how it goes!

It done broke weird.

The smell off of these things is almost but not quite unlike a cinnamon...something. Not a cinnamon roll, you understand, but definitely something with cinnamon. They look alright, as Pop Tarts should, but with the unique characteristics of the filling. Sadly, the flavor just isn't there. It's sorta cinnamon-ish, maybe, but it is not very strong and is really more brown sugar flavored more than anything. The "frosting" seems to clash with that flavor rather than compliment or enhance it. It's almost as if they focused more on the look than the taste. It sets expectations that it simply cannot meet. I wouldn't call it an abject failure, but it certainly does not live up to its claims of being "cinnamon roll" flavored. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets a single Frowny Face. There are worse flavors of Pop Tarts, but this one sets up enough expectations that when it fails to achieve them it leaves a (pardon the pun) bad taste in the mouth. Someone with lower standards might give this a pass, but I do not. I really wouldn't bother with these, though if someone puts on in your hand its not gonna kill ya to take a bite. Unless you are allergic to disappointment, I guess.

Kotas Reviews Gingerbread Pop Tarts

I have a special fondness for convenience breakfast foods. Toaster Strudel and microwave pancakes were a staple for several years during my childhood, and who doesn't love a nice Egg McMuffin from time to time? Well, hold onto your butts folks, for today we visit something old and comforting, yet new and strange. Today we examine the Gingerbread Pop Tart.

Printed Fun may be Best Fun.

This is some seriously busy packaging. Pop Tarts are something I have enjoyed since I was a wee tot, because they are easy, quick, and most importantly jammed full of sugar. Clearly the perfect breakfast for a kid like me. As an adult, I have retained a fondness for them, though my go to flavor is "uniced strawberry" so that they aren't quite as sweet as the frosted sugar bombs of my youth. These do not have icing, but they purport to have some sort of festive imagery emblazoned on them. Let's see how they did.

Well, that certainly is some sort of...something.

I am...not very impressed by these images. Sure, I'm not expecting haute stuff from a box of Pop Tarts, but they should at least be recognizable. On the left we have a...pirate? Octopus? Pirate Octopus? Random blob? On the right, is either someone jumping or an angry sea serpent. Or a snake horse. Angry parrot? Whatever, how does it taste? 

Dear Kellogg's Pop Tart Engineers, I appreciate the fact that you have produced a number of fine confections over the  years. Your Iced Cherry Pop Tarts are particularly tasty. But seriously folks, eat some gingerbread and then eat these and go back to the drawing board. I am not sure what you were going for here, but these are NOT at all like gingerbread. More like snickerdoodles made with something vaguely gingerish. The icing is also sweetish, but does not compliment the other flavors very well. Overall, it is not bad, but it is not particularly good either. Very disappointing.

On the FACE Rating System, these suckers get 1 frowny face. I appreciate the effort, I suppose, and they weren't terrible, but they were not very good either, and the sub-par artwork did not add to their appeal.