Kotas Reviews the KFC Firelog

 There is nothing more picturesque on Christmas Morning than stockings hung over a roaring fire in the fireplace. But what if the Yule Log also smelled of fried chicken? Is it the gift you didn't even know you wanted? Or is it a Krampus Miracle? Ladies and Gentlemen, on this very snowy Christmas Morning, let's take a look at the KFC Fire Log.

It Does Exist!

In case you haven't heard, the Marketing Team over at KFC has been huffing some serious paint, because they have had a number of super strange promotions. A computer that warms chicken for you while you play. Edible nail polish. Scented shoes. A full on Lifetime Mini-Movie. A freakin' DATING SIM which also has a DOG as a TEACHER. They have gone full on coo-coo bananas with this thing. Honestly? A scented fire log is probably not as crazy as some of this stuff. I mean, there are pine scented ones at the grocery store. But, lucky for you, my dozens of fans, I had my fireplace cleaned out and made ready for use this year, just in time for the holidays! It's gonna be a delicious kind of Christmas, right? 

Behold the Magnificence!

A very good friend of mine got me this as an early Christmas Gift and I can honestly say it was probably the best surprise of the season. Mostly because there is no way in hell I would have EVER guessed that THIS is what I was getting for Christmas. How does one even start here? Well, let's get through the basics. The KFC Firelog is just an Enviro-Log brand fire log heavily laced with the scent of KFC fried chicken. The box and paper covering are both covered in warnings to Please Do Not Eat, and while it is mostly a hilarious joke warning, the thing REALLY DOES smell exactly like KFC Fried Chicken. Down to the little bits of pepperiness you always smell with their chicken. If you leave it for a while, it does sort of permeate the room, but not overwhelmingly so. 

Burns pretty well, really.

It's an Enviro-Log, so it lights pretty readily, and burns nice and evenly. For a one log fire, it produced a lot of heat. The packaging says that the fried chicken smell will burn off fairly quick and thus not be present during the burning of the log. As the memes say, that was a fucking lie. It's not super strong, but all through the burning of the log I got a steady, pleasant aroma of KFC fried chicken. Honestly, it made me pretty hungry. Whatever chemical engineers they got to extract the KFC essence? They do amazing work. 

I'm not even sure what this resembles.

For all that 2020 has sucked the big fat one, this was a little dose of ridiculousness that I could put in my fireplace and enjoy. Not everything is extra crispy though. For one, the thing looks really weird as it burns. If you care about the aesthetics of the fire in your fireplace, you will be disappointed. Second it only burned for about 2.5 hours, whereas most commercial fire logs burn about 4. Still, stepping outside to take a picture of the snowfall and getting a nice whiff of that sweet chicken-y goodness? That's classic y'all.

All Good Things...

Much like the fire log, this review must come to an end. On the FACE Rating System, this gets a solid 2 Smiley Faces. I rather enjoyed the experience, and the log itself was pretty nice in my fireplace, even if it didn't last as long as I would have liked. My fireplace still smells faintly of fried chicken, though I suspect that will end once I burn another log in there. If you have a fireplace, or firepit, or some other place to burn things, get yourself one of these and have a chicken-y old time. From all of us here at Kotas Reviews Everything, we wish you a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Happy Kwanzaa, a Merry Yule, a Debauched Saturnalia, and a very solemn Life Day. 

Kotas Reviews Gingerbread Oreos....Again

 It's Christmas Eve everyone! What could be more Christmas-y on this night than Milk and Cookies! And what better cookies to leave out for a fat guy in a red suit than Oreos! Like, seriously roughly half their marketing budget goes to convincing children that, rather than hand made cookies filled with love, what Santa really wants is mass market sandwich cookies! And you know what? It's not necessarily wrong, given what a shill Santa is for Coca-Cola. So, let's talk Christmas Flavored Cookies, eh? Ladies and Gentlemen, let's dig into Gingerbread Oreos...Again

These are very different from the "Four Years Ago" edition.

You know, usually when Nabisco reissues an Oreo flavor, it's just the same thing again. Sometimes these reissues turn into regular flavors, such as with the Lemon and Mint Oreos. This is a much rarer re-release, because these gingerbread Oreos are completely unlike the ones from 4 years ago. Those were vanilla Oreos with gingerbread creme. These are gingerbread Oreos with "regular creme with bits". Literally the only thing they share is the name. The package here is much more interesting. The traditional Oreo blue and white, but with a lovely gingerbread house and a picture of the cookie itself. Looks good! But how does it look on the inside? Let's find out.

I always have a soft spot for little pictures on my cookies.

You know what? I like these cookies. They look great with the little "winter" designs on them. The "subtle" messaging continues since they have "Oreos for Santa" on at least one of them, and they smell like a pretty decent commercial gingerbread. Kudos on the look and odor. Still, how do they taste? Well, a lot like a frosted gingerbread cookie. I don't particularly like the "sugar bits" in the creme, because I hate gritty food, but it's not bad. Tastes a lot like commercial gingerbread cookies with icing. Which is pretty decent. A lot better than the last outing Nabsico.

One the FACE Rating System, this gets 2 Smiley Faces. Pretty good, but not something I would want outside of the Christmas Season. Miles beyond their last effort in this space though. If you like gingerbread cookies, go get these and enjoy them! I sure did.

Kotas Reviews Lay's Salted Caramel Chips

 Well, well, well, we're coming down to the end of the longest year in the history of time. There was an election, there's hopefully a vaccine on the way for the pandemic, and I've watched literally every Star Wars movie available. This past year has felt like a decade, and that's roughly how long its been since I wrote in this blog. Consider this my apology, but it's been real hard to be funny in these trying times. Still, the weird shit keeps getting made, and despite a very long lapse, here we are. Ladies and Gentlemen, today we take a look at Lay's Salted Caramel Potato Chips.

The pandemic has clearly driven the flavor makers mad.

You aren't seeing things, we've got an honest to Grinch dessert style potato chip. Now, the Salted Caramel craze has sort of passed us all by sometime..a couple of years ago, but hey, I can state that it is good to see attempts at innovation in the potato chip space beyond "sprinkle a slightly different salt on it". Not since the Cappuccino chips have we had anything close to this. I'm actually excited! Are you excited? Let's rip into 'em!

Well, they could be fancier.

Well, they ain't much to look at honestly. Just Lay's chips with some sort of extra dust on them, but not a lot of it. The smell though is a weird chemical caramel-ish scent that is honestly kind of off putting. Like, Willy Wonka was trying to solve his caramel shortage by making some faux caramel, and THIS is the result. Well, maybe it'll work as a flavor. 

Nope, it does not. This is the flavor of things that purport to have caramel in them, and do have some attempt at caramel, but honestly, it ain't caramel folks. It's tryin', but it's failin'. That said, it's not bad exactly, it's just amazingly not good. Off putting and weird is basically the only emotions eating these pulls from the wizened husk that is my heart. My 7 year old distained them, and my spouse passed on them after a few bites. I did finish the bag, but I would not ever buy these again. 

On the FACE Rating System, these get 2 Frownie Faces. They aren't good, by a country mile, but I can appreciate the attempt. A for Effort, D for Result. If you see this and you MUST try them, don't say I didn't warn ya.

Kotas Reviews Sour Patch Kids Chips Ahoy

Hola Peeps. Been a long while since I rapped at ya, probably around two months or so. It's been quite a time lately hasn't it? Fire, flood, murder hornets, hurricanes, earthquakes, long toilet paper lines, Leo-nard Bern-stein....it's kind of a mess is what I'm trying to say. Still, someone has to try and keep up morale. Unfortunately, they are all occupied with important work, so you've got my stupid food shenanigans. The terrible show should probably not, but still will, go on. Today we take a look at the culinary abomination known as the Sour Patch Kids Chips Ahoy. 

Man's Hubris, Writ as a Cookie

Sweet mother of Crap. Now, don't get me wrong. I love, love, LOVE me some Sour Patch Kids candy. It's basically heroin for sour candy lovers, and the flavors are all just as bold and ridiculous as they need to be to make the experience pleasant. As for Chips Ahoy, they're...fine. I'll eat them, but I really don't go out of my way to ever buy them or other wise acquire them. But what long strange trip was someone on that they felt that a SUPER POTENT SOUR FRUITY GUMMY CANDY was the perfect thing to include in a chocolate chip cookie? Ugh, let's get on with it.

The packaging is fine. It is exactly what I'd expect to see, a Frankenstein-esque mashing of two things that should never be put together. At least both components are properly represented, so props to that? Also, it appears that they at least took out the chocolate. Or maybe they just dyed the chips red for reasons known only to the monster that birthed this terrible, terrible thing. I'm going to guess that person's name was "Lavinia Whately". Let's open this up.

That Wretched Enemy of Life and Flavor

It's even worse than I imagined. The smell is of the worst artificial wax scent mixed with an awful stench that is probably supposed to be some kind of berry, but really just smells like the offspring of essential oils and Scrubbing Bubbles. The taste is "cookie" mixed with wax and chewy rubber, with a hint of citrus. There's an awful chemical flavor of sweetness that just overwhelms the taste buds in a really bad way, and the texture of the cookie clashes with the weird waxiness of the red chip things and the, well, gumminess of the gummy fragments that someone decided to embed in these. Augh. At least there is no lingering aftertaste. My palate clears this out with a quickness. My kid claimed to have liked them, but when offered three as an extra snack she TURNED IT DOWN. Not even the sweet obsessed young 'un went back for more. The real treason here is that there is exactly ZERO SOUR flavor at all. How do you fuck that up? These are Sour Patch Kids! Holy Hell!

On the FACE Rating System, these get 3 Frowny Faces. They aren't as bad as some things I've eaten, but good LORD these are just fucking terrible all around. There is no reason to ever buy this, unless you hate yourself, but I suppose if you are solely going to use them as a prank, they are non-toxic. That is probably the nicest thing I can say about them. Yuck.

Kotas Reviews Twinkies Cereal

Man, I don't know what is up with this new ad campaign from a crap beer is all about, but people are going nuts! Closing schools, shutting down businesses, I'm work from HOME now...I mean, all because of the "Corona, Buy Us" ad campaign? Sure, it's a little over the top but I just don't see why...wait, what? It's not an ad campaign? Virus? Huh.

Well, nevermind! The outside world is a godless hellscape littered with empty toilet paper rolls and empty hand sanitizer bottles, and I'm crouched in what passes for my home office trying to make sure that people can upload documents to a server. Also, Corona Beer still sucks! But we're not here to talk about that today. Today we have something very special for all of you stuck at home craving entertainment and some form of social contact (Which is tough titty for you, because DON'T FUCKIN' LEAVE YOUR HOUSE). Yes, the first official cereal of the apocalypse has arrived, and of course, it's Twinkie based. Ladies, Gentlemen, War Boys and Girls of all ages, let's take a long hard look at Twinkies Cereal.

Rule #1: Cardio

Not since Ice Cream Cones cereal has a product been less suited as a breakfast been placed on our soon to be empty store shelves. I mean, I've not shied away from many an unusual breakfast, such as: pizza, leftover pad thai, half a hamburger, an assortment of scraps from a veggie tray, and so forth, but never in all my days have snack cakes been a part of breakfast...UNTIL NOW.

The packaging basically looks like a Twinkie box, only with a bowl full of Twinkies Cereal (apparently being forcefully injected into the bowl, by the milk splash) the the arc of Post in green above it. That green really clashes with the rest of the aesthetic, in my opinion. Still, it gets the point across. Let's pour us some.

Cereal or packing material? #WhyNotBoth

Yeah, that looks like a bowl full of tiny Twinkies, it does. The smell is "super sweet vanilla and a hint of corn". The taste is...well, it is very very sweet. Like, super sweet. Sickeningly sweet. Very vanilla too, and the cereal pieces themselves are quite crunchy, even after a prolonged dunk in milk. There's just something very...off about the flavor for me. It's not terrible, but I find it off putting. Now, all snack cakes tend to have a bit of chemical-ish flavors to them, but this is that flavor severely ramped up. Maybe I can only taste it because I am now considered an Old? My kid loves the stuff. No accounting for taste, eh?

On the FACE Rating System I give this 1 Frowny Face. It doesn't taste much like a Twinkie, though it gets the "fake chemical" flavor down and ramps it up far more than anything should be. It's sweet enough to choke a unicorn. This may be the cereal for you, but I will fuckin' pass. I just wish I had a different cereal to endure Stephen King's The Sit Down with.

Kotas Reviews Lime and Jalapeno Ruffles

Hello Sports Fans, it's been a while hasn't it? Well, that's just how we roll on in today's cavalcade of flavor options churned out ceaselessly by Corporate Food Companies. Seriously, I can't even keep up with the onslaught of new and varied flavors of things anymore. Every time I go into the grocery store there is something new and different to try. Still, the occasional really interesting thing pops out, and that's what we have for today's experience. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Lime and Jalapeno Ruffles.

I should probably know who Anthony Davis is, but this is the world we live in.

So for decades, athletes have been used for food advertising. For decades they've even had their faces on the packaging. However, this is absolutely the first time in my experience that a flavor was...uh...developed? Approved by? It says "By", so I'm going to assume Mr. Davis here came up with it. The packaging is spot on. Not only does it put the flavor front and center, the image of Anthony Davis is out of the way without being pushed aside. It's a delicate balancing act, but this pulls it off. Good job, Frito-Lay. Now, let's tear open this bag and see what we can see.

It ain't much, but it's honest flavor dust.

Yeah, yeah, this continues the tradition of Jalapeno flavored things generally having an underwhelming appearance. I mean, it's Ruffles with tiny green specks. Shocking, eh? The scent is exactly what you would expect. Fake-ish lime scent with some Jalapeno mixed in. Let's taste! First off, damn these things are spicier than I expected. Second, they are also damn good. Normally I don't like artificial lime flavoring, but either they've used a different one that I've tasted on other chips or the jalapeno essence they used just compliments it really well. Really strong lime flavor, big hit of pepper spice, and it fades fairly quickly if you let it. These are delicious, and the bag did not survive my household long.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 3 Smiley Faces. You really have to be in the mood for spicy lime flavor, but this thing delivers that flavor by the truck load, without being too much in either the lime or spice direction. Bravo Anthony Davis. If that whole basketball thing doesn't work out, perhaps you could be a Flavorgineer? 

Kotas Reviews Hot Cocoa M&Ms

Hello 2020! Looks like we finally made it to the next decade folks (except for you pendants out there who insist the next decade is next year. You can wait a year to party then) and it is NOTHING like what I envisioned. By this point I was sure I would be suffering from cyberpsychosis from too many implants, complaining about how terrible Jaws 19 had been 5 years ago, celebrating the 15th anniversary of the coming of Unicron, or possibly 3 years into the War with Skynet. Boy, aren't I disappointed? Well, there's one sure fire way to soothe my disappointed soul: Candy! And what better candy to ring in the new year than M&Ms! They are basically fat pills, and delicious. Of course, it is winter, so we should jazz it up a bit! THE FUTURE IS NOW! Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Hot Cocoa M&Ms.

Saucy.

So, I love a good hot chocolate. From the Swiss Miss packs of my youth, to full on melted chocolate and heavy cream, hot cocoa is absolutely delicious and incredibly warming to my palate. I don't often get to indulge in this, because it's kind of a pain in the ass even if you take short cuts, but I sure do love it when I get it. Santa must know me pretty well, since I got a whole BAG of these in my stocking this year! That was super thoughtful of him! Let's take a look!

Well, the packaging is on fleek. I think we can all agree that Mars has their marketing for these things down pat. I am a bit concerned about the presence of white chocolate. I'm not a fan of white chocolate, and I find its presence can actively detract from candy. Let's see if it is the case this time.

Well, that's not great

Well, the color palette is kind of okay, except for the weird tan ones. I guess that's supposed to be the hot cocoa diluted with whipped cream? I mean, eh? Whatever, all is forgiven if the candy is good. However, the candy isn't good. White chocolate, with some vaguely artificial marshmallow-esque flavoring, along with a hint of milk chocolate. It's not poison, but it's definitely not Hot Cocoa. The dominant flavor is White Chocolate, and then the other stuff really only comes through in the after taste. I can eat these, but I choose not to.

On the FACE Rating System these get 1 Frowny Face, mostly for disappointment. If you like white chocolate, these might be up your alley, but for me it only holds sadness and a feeling like I was lied to. Kind of like this year, actually.