Kotas Reviews Bang Rainbow Unicorn Energy Drink

It hasn't been that long since my last review of Bang products, but I had a moment of weakness after a very rough day and needed a serious pick me up. Lo and behold, I found that Bang was there for me. Or, was it? Perhaps it was simply a gateway to strange and twisted vistas, where dark presences lurk and wait for us to blindly stumble past them unaware, disdainfully gazing upon our forms with all the contempt one summons for the insect that buzzes your ear. Or maybe I was just really, really tired. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Bang Rainbow Unicorn.

UUUUUUUUUUNICOOOOOOORN!

Why the fuck is this named Rainbow Unicorn? As I've stated before many energy drinks have odd names that only vaguely relate to what they actually taste like, but this one really pulls out all the stops and just straight up won't tell you what it tastes like. "What flavor is this?" "Mythical Animal". "No really, what flavor is this" *raised middle fingers*. If there was any whimsy that could be injected into this in the name of having something "cute" I could almost understand it, but there's nothing whimsical about this at all. The can isn't even RAINBOW COLORED! What is it about this drink that I am supposed to glean? Eh, fuck it. Let's open it up.

Damn it, Bang. HAVE SOME FUCKING COLOR.

Once again the drink is straight up clear, further emphasizing how far away from anything resembling normal drink this is. A clear medium through which flavors are communicated is the clearest sign of Chemical Magic occurring, and is never something to be taken lightly. Also, where is my GOD DAMN WHIMSY? Ugh, can you lose Sanity from consuming a drink? WELL I GUESS WE'RE ABOUT TO FUCKIN' FIND OUT.

Oh god, it tastes like the blood of Care Bears. So sickeningly sweet and cloying, yet also completely mishmashed as a concept! The primary flavor is "artificial watermelon", but it is cojoined in an awful way with "artificial bubblegum" flavoring. No, not "Watermelon Bubblegum", but "Watermelon AND Bubblegum simultaneously". If you cannot tell the difference, that's probably a good sign, given that I may have been driven to madness by this eldritch drink. I'll say this though, if you can choke it down, it will put a bit of pep in your step. I don't know that it's worth the journey, but the destination could be worse. 

On the Face Rating System, this gets 3 Frownie Faces. If you feasted on the entrails of a Popple, or maybe just ate a Snork whole, this is the flavor of the juice that would drip off your chin. Stay the hell away if you value your taste buds. 

Kotas Reviews Buffalo Wing Cheez-Its

More and more flavors just keep showing up in random places, and in ways I never expected. If you told me five years ago that I would one day be eating electric potato chips I'd have called you mad. But, here we are in this timeline and not another more different timeline where those chips don't exist. So of course we're gonna look at Cheez-Its now. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a gander at Buffalo Wing Cheez-Its.

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Cheez-Its are one of those snacks that has just always been around. Introduced in 1921 by the Green & Green company, and now a part of Kellogg under its Sunshine Biscuits subsidiary, Cheez Its were always the comfort food of my mother. Growing up they were always around my house, but since I'm not a fan of cheese crackers in general, they aren't something I eat very often. A saltier, slightly greasier variant of the Goldfish, they just never did anything for me. I'd eat a few if I had nothing else to snack on and just couldn't wait, but other then that? Incredibly meh. Like Funyuns. Have you ever seen anyone actually BUY Funyuns who wasn't being affected by a mind altering substance? I haven't, and yet somehow I keep seeing them on the store shelves, and you know, I'll have a few if the bag is there, open, and there isn't anything else there. Suffice it to say, these ain't thrillin' me generally. Let's see what we've got. 

Well, this is certainly a Cheez It box. The art here isn't particularly interesting, but it does communicate the new flavor and has a picture of that flavor on it. The edge of the black square being similar to a Cheez It is also a nice touch. I do wonder at the choice of flavors though. When I think "buffalo wing" I have never really thought of it in the context of cheese, other than blue cheese, and let me tell you, Cheez Its aren't even remotely related to blue cheese, despite the shared idea of cheese. Let's crack it open.

Woo.

Yeah, these aren't terribly exciting out of the box either. The pic above is a little washed out, but they just look like Cheez Its with a slightly redder bit of flavor dust on them. Very hum drum. The flavor though? Well, let's just say I was very surprised. These have a really nice vinegar buffalo wing sauce taste, though without the giant hit of peppery heat that usually accompanies wing sauce. There is a touch of heat, sure, but it isn't the primary component and is more of a "oh, right, this is supposed to be buffalo wing flavor" afterthought. What they don't really taste like is a Cheez It. The cheese base of the cracker is almost completely muted in this particular outing, which is actually a good thing for me, but probably not to Cheez It fans. Definitely a surprise!

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 Smiley Face. If I am ever in the mood for a strongly flavored snacking cracker, these are up there on my list. However, they are still Cheez Its and thus not completely amazing, and a true Cheez It fan won't find much here to recommend unless they are also fans of "not hot, vinegary, buffalo wing sauce". Definitely give them a try, but be warned these aren't really for everyone.

Kotas Reviews Bang Cotton Candy Energy Drink

When I was a younger man, I used to partake of energy drinks on a semi-regular basis. It was never a daily thing, but I would indulge in a Red Bull to get through a long night, and eventually settled on Rockstar as my preferred brand of self punishment. I can understand that some people enjoy the flavor, but none of them have resonated with me as being "good". Still, manufacturers keep trying to do this for a variety of reasons. HOWEVER, when you get asked specifically to review a product by a friend? Oh, this is gonna be a heck of a ride. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Bang Cotton Candy.

More like "Wang" amirite? No? Just me then? Crap.

Honestly, I had never heard of the Bang brand of "brain and body fuel" until last month, when someone said I had to try the Cotton Candy flavored version. They even brought me a can! Well, how can one say no to that sort of prodding? Anyway, I have never found energy drinks to taste "good", but I can appreciate the unique and charming flavor that many seem to have. It's also weird that Bang has a recognizable flavor name, unlike "Zero Silver Ice", "Juiced" and "Recovery Grape". The can is a nice black and pink, with the brand and flavor name front and center. It also has Super Creatine written on it. I'm sure that's fine. Let's open it up.

Kind of anticlimactic really

So, this stuff smells a LOT like cotton candy flavoring, but it has the super chemical overtone of sucralose, which makes sense since this is sweetened with it. The fact that it is clear very much disturbs me, since I figured it would be at least a little pink. This kinda blows my mind, but I've not let common sense dictate my drinking since...a while. Down the fuckin' hatch. Dear lord, this is sickeningly sweet. The cotton candy flavor is definitely front and center, but it also tastes like what I imagine the mop water of a chemical factory tastes like: weird and off putting. There's a bitterness and a "chemical" essence that melds with the cotton candy. If you could spin artificial sweetener into cotton candy, this is exactly how I imagine it would taste. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 1 Frowny Face. It's not poison, and it does resemble what it claims to resemble, but whatever else they put in here (I'm looking at YOU Super Creatine) had to have come from an Erlenmeyer flask to make it this Not Good. Even if you like energy drinks as a flavor, the sickeningly sweet cotton candy + Du Pont notes may put you off. Try it if you must, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Kotas Reviews Sailor Boy Pilot Bread

There are those among my friends and acquaintances who would call me a gourmand. After all, this blog is proof that I go out of my way to sample new and interesting (if not always tasty) foodstuffs. Unfortunately for them, I cannot state that I am. While I might in fact be a foodie, albeit one with a very warped sense of what consists of "food", my palate is about as refined as plywood. So what better way to put all this to the test than to sample some fuckin' hard tack? Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Sailor Boy Pilot Bread.

He's very jaunty, that Sailor Boy.

So, I love crackers. Wheat, oyster, buttered, water, or saltine I am a huge fan of most forms of cracker. This probably stems from my adoration of bread, but I love crackers. One type I've never tried, mostly because why would any sane person desire it, is the humble hard tack biscuit. A very simple product made of flour, salt, and a touch of water, then baked hard to serve as a source of stored calories for soldiers and sailors, hard tack was one of the first formalized forms of rations for various wars in the past. Civil War enthusiasts make it for various reenactments, but since the military switched over to canning it hasn't been too popular. It is noted for its extremely long shelf life, durability, and difficulty in eating. What it is not known for is flavor. Well, occasionally I get interested in "old timey" stuff (curse you Jas Townsend & Sons) and saw a bit about hard tack. Now, I'm a lazy man at heart, so I went looking around for some to buy. Lo and behold, Sailor Boy Pilot Bread came up as one of the only commercially available hard tack esque product around. And hey, it's on Amazon! So I ended up buying a 2 pound box. The artwork is delightfully "retro". I'm sure it's fine. Let's see what they look like!

With peanut butter jar lid for scale.

Well, look at those beauties! These things are quite sizable and thick, much thicker than things I normally consider to be crackers. They are slightly greasy to the touch too, probably because of the palm oil used to make them. Historical side note, oil in hard tack isn't really a thing, but these are not exactly authentic hard tack. Still, they do maintain some of the properties of such, like long shelf life, and durability. However, the real question is: how do they taste? The answer might shock you!

Well, probably not. They taste a lot like unsalted crackers. It's nothing to write home about, but they are decent enough crackers if you like something more substantial than saltines. They go well with soups and stews, and can add body when broken into smaller pieces. Bland, but fairly nourishing, with each cracker weighing in at a hefty 100 calories each. I can see why survival minded folk would like having these around. 

On the FACE Rating System, these get 1 Smiley Face. I do actually like the flavor, but most of that is my rampant bread lust shining through, as these have a much more breadlike flavor than most crackers to me. They aren't anything more than they seem to be, and that suits me just fine. Give 'em a try if you get a chance, but don't go crazy. They will keep a very long time, so they would be great in as part of a flood or tornado kit. Also good for warding away Wendigos, or so I've heard. Anyone else feeling a bit peckish all of a sudden?

Kotas Reviews Simple Truth Natural Turkey Burgers

We live in a modern age full of modern conveniences, especially when it comes to food. Electric powered ovens and stoves help us cook food we store in our refrigerators, or we can simply summon a car with a driver to deliver unto us whatever food we desire (at least so long as they have an UberEats arrangement). Truly, we live in a world where more good food is available than any one person could possibly eat. So let's look at some of that convenience food. Ladies and Gentlemen, we take a look at Simple Truth Natural Turkey Burgers.

It's the Simple Truth, this is a box from my freezer.

It's not exactly a secret that I am not the best at cooking preparation. How I long for the extravagance of having a prep chef available for when I decide I feel like cooking something that involves more than "open bag, add to boiling water, drain and serve". Still, I do enjoy grilling and I also enjoy burgers of many variations. My spouse and I have also had good success using chicken burgers from this same brand, so when we accidentally picked up these instead we figured we would be just fine. 

Simple Truth is the brand name for the Krogers in-house brand of organic grocery products. Yeah, yeah I know "organic" is just a marketing label, but many of their foods are actually fairly tasty, like the aforementioned chicken burgers so we keep some of them in the house. The packaging makes the patty look to be pretty good, though I have no idea what the hell it is supposed to be resting on. Is that pimento cheese? Bleah! Anyway, I cracked the box.

Yeah, those are frozen ground meat patties alright. Into the pan they go! They acted pretty much like any other pre-made frozen meat patty, so I'll skip the details, but they done cooked up right pretty. We also added some Worcestershire sauce for a bit of extra flavor. Let's put it on a bun!

Yeah, that's a burger. With ketchup and mustard no less.

 When I bit into my burger, something was off, but I couldn't quite place it. Was it the texture? No, the patty was nice and well done without being dry. The scent? Well, turkey isn't known for its heavy odor, so that wasn't it. It took me a few more bites, but I finally figured out what was wrong: the patty itself had exactly ZERO flavor. Literally all I could taste was the bun and the smear of condiments I had placed upon it. There was no turkey flavor at all. At first I thought it was me, so I asked my spouse what hers tasted like. She thought for a minute and said "Oh. Nothing. Weird." As a final, somewhat icky test, I found a bit of protein juice that leaked out of the patty and cooked up in the hot pan. On a chicken burger, this stuff has an incredibly strong chicken flavor if you eat it (or so I've heard *cough*). For this patty? It was like chewing paste. No flavor at all. What the ever-loving shit is this trash?

On the FACE Rating System, these get 3 Frowny Faces. How the hell do you fuck up a meat patty? Apparently by draining every iota of taste out of it. If there was a white can just labeled "FOOD", this is how I would expect it to taste. Hardtack has a more nuanced flavor profile than this garbage. Stay the hell away!