Kotas Reviews Bang Black Cherry Vanilla

Well, it's been a loooong while since I posted something, because of a wide variety of things that have impeded my time. Still, it is my fondest hope that it is all behind me and I can start anew! So of course I had to have an energy drink for all of this. Lo and behold, Bang once again rears its chemical head. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's have a gander at Bang Black Cherry Vanilla.

The color scheme is on point at least.

Who would have ever thought a product most certainly not named after a They Might Be Giants song would warrant three separate reviews, eh? Not this little reviewer, that's for sure. Still, I bought multiple cans initially and they all had to get used at some point. Might as well be now. After the last review of Bang's products, this one is pretty mundane. Logo prominently placed, color scheme isn't jarring. The flavor name is actually a flavor that can be identified. This whole thing is a big step up from Rainbow Unicorn. Let's crack it open.

Still clear for reasons I cannot understand

Well, not much to say here. The beverage is still clear as glass. I get it was probably never envisioned as being consumed outside the can, but even Red Bull has SOME color to it when you pour it out. The fact that it is clear just bugs me on some sort of fundamental level. The scent is super artificial cherry with some vanilla extract overtones, and the taste itself backs that play with a vengeance. Further, the aftertaste is that bizarre chemical flavor that almost all 'energy drinks" have at least some of, but man is it strong. It is much more tart than many "cherry" flavored drinks, and it has some sort of awful artificial sweetener in it. I'll give it this though, it tastes mostly like what it says it tastes like. It will still give your body a kick in the teeth and wake you up, but not in a good way. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 1 Frowny Face. It's not good exactly, but it is pretty much what it says it is. If I were desperate to wake up, pounding down one of these isn't the worst way to pep yourself up, but I would probably pick something else if I could. If you are curious, pick one up, but it's not worth going out of your way for.

Kotas Reviews Bang Rainbow Unicorn Energy Drink

It hasn't been that long since my last review of Bang products, but I had a moment of weakness after a very rough day and needed a serious pick me up. Lo and behold, I found that Bang was there for me. Or, was it? Perhaps it was simply a gateway to strange and twisted vistas, where dark presences lurk and wait for us to blindly stumble past them unaware, disdainfully gazing upon our forms with all the contempt one summons for the insect that buzzes your ear. Or maybe I was just really, really tired. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Bang Rainbow Unicorn.

UUUUUUUUUUNICOOOOOOORN!

Why the fuck is this named Rainbow Unicorn? As I've stated before many energy drinks have odd names that only vaguely relate to what they actually taste like, but this one really pulls out all the stops and just straight up won't tell you what it tastes like. "What flavor is this?" "Mythical Animal". "No really, what flavor is this" *raised middle fingers*. If there was any whimsy that could be injected into this in the name of having something "cute" I could almost understand it, but there's nothing whimsical about this at all. The can isn't even RAINBOW COLORED! What is it about this drink that I am supposed to glean? Eh, fuck it. Let's open it up.

Damn it, Bang. HAVE SOME FUCKING COLOR.

Once again the drink is straight up clear, further emphasizing how far away from anything resembling normal drink this is. A clear medium through which flavors are communicated is the clearest sign of Chemical Magic occurring, and is never something to be taken lightly. Also, where is my GOD DAMN WHIMSY? Ugh, can you lose Sanity from consuming a drink? WELL I GUESS WE'RE ABOUT TO FUCKIN' FIND OUT.

Oh god, it tastes like the blood of Care Bears. So sickeningly sweet and cloying, yet also completely mishmashed as a concept! The primary flavor is "artificial watermelon", but it is cojoined in an awful way with "artificial bubblegum" flavoring. No, not "Watermelon Bubblegum", but "Watermelon AND Bubblegum simultaneously". If you cannot tell the difference, that's probably a good sign, given that I may have been driven to madness by this eldritch drink. I'll say this though, if you can choke it down, it will put a bit of pep in your step. I don't know that it's worth the journey, but the destination could be worse. 

On the Face Rating System, this gets 3 Frownie Faces. If you feasted on the entrails of a Popple, or maybe just ate a Snork whole, this is the flavor of the juice that would drip off your chin. Stay the hell away if you value your taste buds. 

Kotas Reviews Bang Cotton Candy Energy Drink

When I was a younger man, I used to partake of energy drinks on a semi-regular basis. It was never a daily thing, but I would indulge in a Red Bull to get through a long night, and eventually settled on Rockstar as my preferred brand of self punishment. I can understand that some people enjoy the flavor, but none of them have resonated with me as being "good". Still, manufacturers keep trying to do this for a variety of reasons. HOWEVER, when you get asked specifically to review a product by a friend? Oh, this is gonna be a heck of a ride. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Bang Cotton Candy.

More like "Wang" amirite? No? Just me then? Crap.

Honestly, I had never heard of the Bang brand of "brain and body fuel" until last month, when someone said I had to try the Cotton Candy flavored version. They even brought me a can! Well, how can one say no to that sort of prodding? Anyway, I have never found energy drinks to taste "good", but I can appreciate the unique and charming flavor that many seem to have. It's also weird that Bang has a recognizable flavor name, unlike "Zero Silver Ice", "Juiced" and "Recovery Grape". The can is a nice black and pink, with the brand and flavor name front and center. It also has Super Creatine written on it. I'm sure that's fine. Let's open it up.

Kind of anticlimactic really

So, this stuff smells a LOT like cotton candy flavoring, but it has the super chemical overtone of sucralose, which makes sense since this is sweetened with it. The fact that it is clear very much disturbs me, since I figured it would be at least a little pink. This kinda blows my mind, but I've not let common sense dictate my drinking since...a while. Down the fuckin' hatch. Dear lord, this is sickeningly sweet. The cotton candy flavor is definitely front and center, but it also tastes like what I imagine the mop water of a chemical factory tastes like: weird and off putting. There's a bitterness and a "chemical" essence that melds with the cotton candy. If you could spin artificial sweetener into cotton candy, this is exactly how I imagine it would taste. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 1 Frowny Face. It's not poison, and it does resemble what it claims to resemble, but whatever else they put in here (I'm looking at YOU Super Creatine) had to have come from an Erlenmeyer flask to make it this Not Good. Even if you like energy drinks as a flavor, the sickeningly sweet cotton candy + Du Pont notes may put you off. Try it if you must, but don't say I didn't warn you.