Kotas Reviews Bang Rainbow Unicorn Energy Drink

It hasn't been that long since my last review of Bang products, but I had a moment of weakness after a very rough day and needed a serious pick me up. Lo and behold, I found that Bang was there for me. Or, was it? Perhaps it was simply a gateway to strange and twisted vistas, where dark presences lurk and wait for us to blindly stumble past them unaware, disdainfully gazing upon our forms with all the contempt one summons for the insect that buzzes your ear. Or maybe I was just really, really tired. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Bang Rainbow Unicorn.

UUUUUUUUUUNICOOOOOOORN!

Why the fuck is this named Rainbow Unicorn? As I've stated before many energy drinks have odd names that only vaguely relate to what they actually taste like, but this one really pulls out all the stops and just straight up won't tell you what it tastes like. "What flavor is this?" "Mythical Animal". "No really, what flavor is this" *raised middle fingers*. If there was any whimsy that could be injected into this in the name of having something "cute" I could almost understand it, but there's nothing whimsical about this at all. The can isn't even RAINBOW COLORED! What is it about this drink that I am supposed to glean? Eh, fuck it. Let's open it up.

Damn it, Bang. HAVE SOME FUCKING COLOR.

Once again the drink is straight up clear, further emphasizing how far away from anything resembling normal drink this is. A clear medium through which flavors are communicated is the clearest sign of Chemical Magic occurring, and is never something to be taken lightly. Also, where is my GOD DAMN WHIMSY? Ugh, can you lose Sanity from consuming a drink? WELL I GUESS WE'RE ABOUT TO FUCKIN' FIND OUT.

Oh god, it tastes like the blood of Care Bears. So sickeningly sweet and cloying, yet also completely mishmashed as a concept! The primary flavor is "artificial watermelon", but it is cojoined in an awful way with "artificial bubblegum" flavoring. No, not "Watermelon Bubblegum", but "Watermelon AND Bubblegum simultaneously". If you cannot tell the difference, that's probably a good sign, given that I may have been driven to madness by this eldritch drink. I'll say this though, if you can choke it down, it will put a bit of pep in your step. I don't know that it's worth the journey, but the destination could be worse. 

On the Face Rating System, this gets 3 Frownie Faces. If you feasted on the entrails of a Popple, or maybe just ate a Snork whole, this is the flavor of the juice that would drip off your chin. Stay the hell away if you value your taste buds.