Kotas Reviews Ritz Crackers Cheese Sandwiches

It's Christmas time again! Time for toys and time for cheer. We've been...well, not good exactly, but we've not been bad! So clearly it is time to dip back into the Mystery Box for some holiday shenanigans! This go around, I at least have some idea of what the food is supposed to be. Today we look at Ritz Crackers Cheese Sandwiches with...Something.

Now with...I don't even know.

Well, other than the language and the mysterious red objects that I believe are supposed to be the flavoring used, this is a pretty ordinary snack package of Ritz Cheese Crackers. Nothing fancy in the package, just the product, a bit of flair, and the name of the filling in a language I can't understand. I'm sure it's fine. Let's open it up!

Can you feel the Christmas Cheer just radiating from these snacks? No. No you can't.

Yeah, looks like a Ritz Cracker Cheese Sandwich all right. The filling smells mostly of something like processed cheese spread with vaguely fishy overtones. It also has little red flecks in it. The crackers look like Ritz Crackers to no one's surprise. I'm not terribly impressed by any of the visuals of this snack. Perhaps the taste will finally rouse my holiday spirit.

The short answer is, no. It did not. The long answer is that these are definitely cheese crackers with a vague fishy flavor. The cheese filling tastes exactly what I would expect from a generic processed cheese spread, with the strange fish flavors added. It's not super strong, but definitely noticeable to me. It's not bad I guess. Bah Humbug. This just tastes like cheap processed cheese that's been left near some fish too long. Yuck.

On the Holiday FACE Rating System, this gets 1 Frowning Ebeneezer Scrooge. It's a cheese cracker sandwich, with an odd to my palette flavor and not a lot to love. I suppose if you LOVE processed cheese spread AND love fish flavor, you might consider eating these. I'll stick to plain old Ritz, instead. 

Kotas Reviews Genghis Khan Caramel

Well everyone, with Thanksgiving fast approaching, it's time to completely ignore that fact and dive back into the Mystery Box. I mean, why not, right? Besides, I've not looked into it in a good while because life has been super busy. So, let's eat what I think is candy. Today we explore...Genghis Khan Caramel!

Is that...meat? Why is it on the box cover? It's the "Hokkaido Original" though, so maybe they know.

Seriously, this packaging. I have no idea what they are trying to say, but "delicious candy inside" is Not It. It looks like a plate of some unidentified meat, possibly over rice, and almost but not entirely unlike anything resembling a caramel as I know them. Maybe it has a caramel sauce, but why in the world would you ever put that over MEAT? I just don't know, folks. I just don't know. Anycrap, let's see what's inside!

You lied to me, box.

Okay, well, I guess the actual product DOES resemble caramels as I know them, though they don't seem very Genghis Khan-ish to me. More like "a slightly lighter Kraft caramel" in wax paper. I was expecting more I guess? Pretty yawn-tacular. Eh, but how do they taste? 

They certainly are a variety of caramel. Much more milky than the caramels I'm used to, more creamy and less sweet, though still pretty darn sweet. They have a kind of chalky feel in the mouth that a bit of chewing resolves, sort of like a slightly softer Starburst, but not as soft as other taffy. It's fine, I guess. It certainly didn't conquer the majority of my flavor palette and reshape that palette for generations to come, that's for sure. Not really living up to your name there, Genghis Khan Caramel.

On the FACE Rating System, these get 0 Faces. They are okay, false advertising on the packaging notwithstanding, but definitely NOT worth going out of your way to acquire. There are much easier to acquire adequate caramels for you to enjoy without having to go to Hokkido to get them.  

Kotas Reviews Calbee

Today we dip back into the Mystery Box for spooky treats from beyond the pale...or at least treats we don't really have in this part of the world. Seems the world over loves crunchy snacks, and this one purports to be...well, why don't we just get started with Calbee...whatever the hell this is.

Canadian Bacon and Asparagus, the Snacking Duo I Never Expected!

Yeah, I don't know what this is. It has a little giraffe person on it that seems cute enough. Honestly, at first I thought this might be some form of instant noodle soup, but then I noticed the picture of the vaguely "hot fry" looking things and dared open it. I tried to glean information from the lid, but to no avail for I am an ignorant soul.

Well, I did learn that I shouldn't microwave it.

Every culture has a different flavor profile for snack food that is generally tailored to either an every day flavor or an exotic one. Of course, such things vary and in this case...ham and asparagus. Not really a flavor I look for when snacking, but hey, I suppose it fits the exotic category for everyone. Let's open this thing up!

Vastly underwhelming.

I can honestly say I was not expecting it to look like someone took Andy's Hot Fries, stripped off the "hot" and replaced it with random flecks of green and red. Still, I am a fan of potato stick type snacks, so how bad could it be? Well let me tell you how bad it can be. First, a positive. These things have tremendous amounts of crunch. Now for the rest of it. These things do, in fact, vaguely taste like asparagus and ham. Old nasty dried up asparagus and slightly off, shriveled up ham. It's not "spit out bad", unlike some other things I've tried, but it isn't the most pleasant of flavors. Thankfully both flavors are pretty muted compared with the overwhelming taste of whatever these things are mostly made of. Corn maybe? It isn't much like other corn snacks. It's not much of anything, yet somehow this overwhelming non-flavor mutes the other flavors so that you don't taste much of them. 
On the FACE Rating System, these get 2 Frowny Faces. I find the mix of flavors to be less than enchanting, but the odd anti-flavor that the sticks themselves have is off putting. Visually, they aren't very appealing, and while they are super duper crunchy, I think I can find a better flavor combination than this sad sack of fail. Not recommended unless you REALLY like old asparagus and ham bits, I guess. Bleah. The good Mystery Box Giveth, the good Mystery Box Taketh Away.

Kotas Reviews Frito-Lay I Have No Idea (Takoyaki-Tei)

Today we return to the Mystery Box for additional snack treats! There is a glorious habit of anthropomorphic food icons to sell us various treats. From the talking M&Ms to the crazy zaniness of McDonaldLand, walking, talking food has been trying to sell itself to us for consumption for ages and ages. Occasionally a product takes it to a whole new level. Today we look at...I have no freakin' idea.

Soy Fritter Ball Things? Adipose gone horribly wrong? I wish I could read Japanese.

Whatever the heck these things are, they are ADORABLE. Look at 'em, with their big smiles and stumpy limbs only good for the suggestion of motility! Clearly they are supposed to be living incarnations of the fried sauce covered things to the right of the packaging, and the potentially female one has a BOW in what passes for hair. And big eyelashes for some reason. Anyway, I love this packaging. It makes me want a plushie version of these things. SO CUTE! I wonder what is on the back?

Aw, they have a lovely family. Wait, are they eating their own kind? THE TERROR OF IT ALL!

The back of the package is no help determining what these things are, but it shows a preciously snuggly family settling down to eat a meal of themselves, like the horrible cannibals that they apparently are. So much for cute and cuddly, eh? It's always the cute ones you have to watch out for. Let's open it up and see what we have.

Heh heh. BALLS.

Well, they smell like onion and soy sauce, and they are basically corn puff balls with flavor dust on them, much like I expected. By Akira's Ghost these things are darn tasty though! It's like someone took an unflavored corn puff, dipped it in soy sauce, coated it lightly in onion powder, and let it dry. Savory, tangy, and excellently munchable, I ate almost the whole bag of these. My daughter however rejected them outright with "Yuck!", but she's a three year old and thus her opinion on the matter doesn't count. I now understand what drives these cheerful mascots to greedily devour their own kind. They are delicious! So, what the heck are these supposed to be? Well, according to the Internet, they are a snack food distillation of a takoyaki: fried octopus ball with sauce. I can honestly say that is not what I was expecting.

On the FACE Rating System, these get an easy 2 Smiley Faces. They are om nom nom good, but I wouldn't want them every day. Damn tasty though, and if you can get your hands on them, you should pop them in your food hole. Unless you hate soy sauce, probably. And you know what? I don't care if they are cannibalistic, I still want a plush version of their mascot.

Kotas Reviews Suppaiman! Snacks

Oh, we're in for a real treat in the upcoming weeks. So, one day recently I was getting my mail and I found a package on my doorstep. Since I hadn't ordered anything online recently, particularly anything from JAPAN of all places, my curiosity was piqued. After confirming with my spouse that she hadn't ordered anything, I examined the box. The customs label had the word "gift" written on it, but other then that there was no way of identifying the sender. What was inside this mysterious package? Why, a ton of really weird looking Japanese snack foods. Hold onto your butts, we're in for a bumpy ride. Many thank yous to the anonymous soul who sent me these lovely items. This review is for you! And the rest of you. First up, we have...I don't even know. Welcome to Mystery Box Madness!

Why is there a flower on his chest? Why is anything about this?

Well, from the packaging, I think this is whatever was leftover after a superhero of questionable fashion sense punched a cloud. Or possibly some sort of snack food. My goodness is this thing full of wonder. The mascot (I guess?) is appropriately detailed in a mix of art styles both West and East. I have no idea what most of the text says, but "Suppaiman!" is at least something I can parse, so we're gonna go with that being the title of these snacks. I could be way wrong, given the placement of the word as sort of arcing around the more prominent picture. It is quite striking, that's for sure. 

I have no idea what is in these at all

The only thing I know about this is that it has some sort of snack food inside, in little hollow cylinders. Opening these up hits you with a very strong scent of what I think is corn, but might be wrong, and some other scent I simply cannot identify, but is very strong. Almost vinegary in initial impression, it has lots of something else too. I am baffled.

To me it says "prototype Froot Loops", at least visually.

Well damn if these aren't interesting. The flavor is sweet and sour, with some vinegar and tomato elements. It's actually pretty tasty, and if I had to name the flavor I would say "Ketchup". It's got a bit of zing to it, but not too much, and the corn undertones meld nicely with it, though I think it might be an acquired taste. Maybe not though, since my 3 year old ate two without any issue. Given she's really not into most flavored snacks, that's a pretty solid recommendation. I don't know exactly how you fight crime, Suppaiman, but your snack food is pretty tasty, if weird. 

On the FACE Rating System, Suppaiman! gets 1 smiley face. The packaging is loud and obnoxious, the artwork makes little sense, the snack itself is a little oversized, and the flavor combination is not something I would have picked out, and yet somehow the whole thing hangs together pretty well. If you can ever find these, definitely try them, unless you hate any of the following: corn, ketchup, Anime style artwork. This is gonna be a fun romp!