Science fiction is experiencing a minor resurgence at the box office. There have been a fair number of new original intellectual properties emerge on the scene this year: After Earth, Oblivion, the upcoming Elysium, and today’s subject: Pacific Rim. What is Pacific Rim? Well, Guillermo del Toro (Hellboy, Planet Terror) really, REALLY wanted to make an old fashioned kaiju movie in homage to the kaiju films of his youth that inspired him to make movies. What is a kaiju film? Ever watch a cheesy Godzilla movie? Yeah, that’s the stuff. Giant monsters brawling it out in Tokyo, occasionally with human intervention. That’s kaiju, in a nutshell. So, how does Pacific Rim stack up? Let’s find out! Warning: I will be giving out tons o’ the spoilers. Scroll to the bottom for the TL;DR version and FACE rating.
The opening sequence sets up the basic plotline for this movie: At some point in the near future, giant monsters named kaiju (Japanese for “Giant Monster”) start appearing from a portal under the sea to menace humanity. In order to combat these creatures more effectively, humanity has developed equally large and impressive giant robots named Jaegers (German for “Hunter”). With the Jaegers, humanity is able to curb the attacks, and the Jaegers become the equivalent of rock stars, movie stars, and sports stars. Jaegers, for “reasons”, require two pilots to synchronize and share memories. Why giant robots? Why two pilots? Why not just “lots of big ass guns on ships, planes and tanks? Shit son, what kind of movie you think this is? Now sit your ass back down and pay attention.
Enter our hero, Raleigh, and his older brother OhSoFuckingDead. They are the pilots of the Jaeger named “Gypsy Danger”, who is voiced by GLaDOS. Yes, I am serious. The two brothers are some of the best, but are known for going outside of orders if the situation demands it. Also for being good at fighting. A kaiju named “Knifehead” appears, and these two go out in Gypsy Danger to meet it, to some really kick ass theme music. There is a fight. It is god damn amazing. Our hero and his brother appear to win, but in a surprise to exactly no one except the characters in the film, the kaiju is “not quite dead” and in the ensuing rematch DeadMeat is killed, but Raleigh manages to not only finish the fight but also to walk his ass back to shore solo. This kind of fucks him up.
5 years later Idris Alba (yeah, he has a name, but you don’t care it’s fucking IDRIS ALBA), the commander of the Jaeger program is being chewed out by the Council of Vaguely Different National Leaders. Seems that the kaiju are coming faster and furiouser, and the Jaegers are taking a beating. Clearly, the solution here is to shut down the program and build a big fucking wall, the poorly named “Wall of LIfe”. He’s given 8 months to fix shit in Hong Kong, and then he’s done.
Raleigh is working on the Wall of LIfe, when news comes of a kaiju attack in Sydney, Austrailia which a) busts through their edition of the Wall of Life and b) is effortlessly stopped by the Jaeger “Striker Eureka”. Uh, neat? Alba shows up to pick up Raleigh and gather the remaining Jaegers and their crews. This is done. We meet the Japanese girl from the trailer. Her name is Mako. Because of course it is. She might have a tragic past where her family is killed by giant monsters and now she has trained all her life to get revenge. We meet the quirky scientist crazy guy, his very British Odd Couple counterpart scientist, and Ice Man, from Top Gun, as an Australian. Also, his dad. Why? They FIGHT CRIME, er, MONSTERS as the pilots of Striker Eureka. There are two other Jaegers: The Giant Russian One and the Chinese One. They have crews. That’s pretty much the end of their characterization, but damn do they look bad ass.
British Scientist predicts that a) the monsters will show up faster and b) they will start coming two at a time, and then three. Gypsy Danger is refitted with stuff, including a second nuclear core. Because one is just not enough. There are tryouts for the co-pilot position. Make wins, Flawless Victory. Crazy Scientist figures out how to neural link with a kaiju’s brain fragment. It goes...surprisingly well, but as expected for these types of films. He is shuffled off to the B Plot, which involves going into Hong Kong and tracking down a dealer in “kaiju parts”, which is apparently a thing. Long story short, he runs into Fucking Ron Perlman, who chews the scenery and steals every scene he’s in. He is awesome.
During the test run for Gypsy Danger, there is a nice GLaDOS reference mixed into a scene where Mako gets lost in her memories and starts re-living the monster attack that inspired her to be a pilot. She might also have accidentally turned on Gypsy Danger’s GIANT GODDAMN PLASMA CANNON. Raleigh talks her down, but she and Maverick, er Raleigh are now grounded until further notice. Also, Idris Alba is Mako’s adopted father. He also piloted one of the early Jaegers. This has apparently given him cancer or something, because getting into a Jaeger again will absolutely kill him. Everyone got that? Good. Anyway, his current plan is to strap a nuclear bomb to Striker Eureka, have the other Jaegers run interference, and shove it through the portal to Kaiju World while it is stabilized to let in multiple kaiju. Where did they get the bomb? The Russians can get anything. TruFax.
Two kaiju show up, looking for Crazy Guy because “neural links are two way”. Three of the four Jaegers are dispatched to deal with them. After putting up a showy fight, the Russian Jaeger and the Chinese Jaeger are destroyed in various unexpected ways, as the kaiju are considerably bigger than any before and also especially well equipped to deal with Jaegers, targeting the cockpits and spitting acid at them. When Striker Eureka joins the fray, one of the beasties pops out an EMP gland and shuts the whole mess down. Gypsy Danger, by virtue of being “nuclear” and “analog” (say WHAT?) is still operational, so it is sent out. Australian Ice Man and his dad, in their now crippled Jaeger, decide to do something really stupid to keep the monsters’ attention on them for as long as possible: they get out of their robot and shoot them with flare guns.
Suddenly, a New Challenger Appears! Gypsy Danger shows up and there is a fight scene. It is goddamn amazing. EMP Beast is wrecked, and Acid Beast gets smacked around with a battleship. Acid Beast has enough of that shit, grows wings, and flies our hero into the sky. That’s when Make turns on the sword. That’s right! It has a sword, and they cut that motherfucker in half. Ultimately, everyone survives. Except the Russians and the Chinese. Poor bastards.
Crazy Scientist and Fucking Ron Perlman are out to harvest the brain of Acid Beast. It’s damaged, but turns out Acid Beast was a MILTRSITF. A Mom I’d Like To Run Screaming In Terror From. Acid Beast Baby emerges, and it’s gross. It dies because it’s not developed enough. Fucking Ron Perlman stabs it in the face. Then it eats him, and dies again. Crazy Scientist and British Scientist are gonna neural link with the brain of Acid Beast Baby. Why will this work? Kaiju apparently have a “hive mind”. While they set this up, the two remaining Jaegers are going to travel to the portal with the nuke. However, in an astounding twist, Idris Alba has to take over for Australian Ice Man’s dad, who was injured in the previous fight. He gives a rousing speech too.
The two Jaegers walk to where the portal is. They meet up with 2 kaiju. There is a fight scene that is pretty cool. Uh oh, Striker encounters a 3rd kaiju, this one bigger than any they’ve ever seen by a large margin. Gypsy Danger is assaulted by a kaiju, and heavily damaged in the fight. The other two converge on Striker Eureka. Since Gypsy Danger is “nuclear”, Idris Alba tells Make that she’s great and then, with Australian Ice Man’s consent, they blow the nuke, taking out the two kaiju and allowing Gypsy Danger to throw itself into the portal to blow up. Crazy Guy and British Guy inform them that the portal will open only for kaiju, so they are gonna use a carcass to fool it. But oh shit, ROUND 2 MOTHERFUCKER. Here comes Mega Kaiju! Gypsy Danger tackles it into the portal, burns it to death, and then explodes in Kaiju World after the pilots eject. It looks like Raleigh isn’t going to make it, but then he does. The End! Oh wait, Fucking Ron Perlman! The Really For True End!
This film is an unabashed love letter to giant robot anime and the kaiju films of old. The story is simple, but told very effectively. The tone throughout the film is maintained, and all the proper beats are hit to move the story along. There is nothing truly unexpected about this film (with the exception of pretty much anything to do with Fucking Ron Perlman), but it is told well. The characters are archetypal in just about every way. If you have seen any giant robot anime, they are all there: the Grizzled Commander, the Young Hotshot out for Revenge, The Arrogant Yet Skilled Rival, The Hero with the Tragic Backstory, the Comic Relief. However it is done in a way that says “inspired by” rather than “completely ripped off from”. All the standard tropes are here, but it is okay because it knows what kind of film it is and never strays from that message: If we all work together, we can make GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS to fight HUGE FREAKY MONSTERS and save the world.
The visuals are simply astounding. The soundtrack is bad ass. The comedy is not completely odious, and even actually amusing. Fucking Ron Perlman. For the anime fan, there are a few nice callbacks. One of the “cameo’ed” Jaeger designs resembles one of the robots from Neon Genesis Evangelion (Unit 02 in D-Type equipment). One of Gypsy Danger’s weapons is the “Rocket Elbow”, which is an homage both to the “ROCKET PUNCH” of several Super Robot shows and to the series Big O. The kaiju themselves have a fairly consistent yet unique look about them, with blue glowy bits that resemble the glow that Godzilla would often have, and thus remember their roots.
Overall, for me, Pacific Rim hits all the right notes in a super summer blockbuster about giant robots fighting giant monsters. On a scale of 5 frowny faces to 5 smiley faces, I give it 3 smileys. If I were not such a huge anime or giant robot fan, I might knock off a smiley. It ain’t high cinema, but I knows what I likes.
Showing posts with label Science Fiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Science Fiction. Show all posts
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Friday, June 15, 2012
Kotas Reviews Prometheus
Last night, at the urgings of one of my friends, my wife and I went and saw Prometheus. Having avoided just about every trailer and review ever, except for a few offhand remarks that ranged from "I love this movie!" to "Why does this piece of shit even exist?", I walked in with the following expectation: That it would be better than Aliens: Resurrection. Given that expectation, the movie performed as expected. HOWEVER...
This is not a good movie. I know, I know, I'll be annoying folks with that statement, but hear me out. This movie commits a cardinal sin of horror movies: It is boring as shit. This is an hour long tale that was stretched to fill two, and the movie suffers horribly for it. The basic story is not engaging enough to make me care about anything, so it feels twice as long as it should. A lesser sin that this film commits: It's not scary. Sure, there are a couple of jump scares, and some of the effects are neat and gross, but it's not scary so much as icky. There is build up to scary, and it COULD have been scary, but it's just not. It is just icky, and that is why this movie is not good. Now that I've said that, be warned thar be spoilers ahead!
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Okay, let's break this shit down. The opening credit sequence is lots of long shots of beautiful landscapes meant to evoke a "raw, untamed world" sort of feel. Then a creepy albino dude drinks a thing that does awful stuff to him, falls into a lake, and disintigrates into black dust that fades away. Others have stated this is meant to represent the alien beings seeding the Earth with the primordial soup that eventually results in the stupid apes known as human beings, but I would argue that any plan that involves "drink some weird shit and be dissolved" is a terrible plan. Consider my suspension of disbelief stretched a bit. This is also the first of many scenes that could be excised from the film with no loss to the story.
Next up is a quick scene that sets the plot for the film: Archeologist Couple finds evidence that People from Space (I call them Space Idiots) have been visiting our world for thousands of years and have left a clue to where they came from in the form of a "star chart that primative people couldn't possibly know about". Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, something about the Pyramids being impossible to build w/o spaceships...until someone figured out how to do it. Eh, whatever, neat premise, I'm hooked.
The next 10 or so minutes is actually a really really good characterization scene with the character David. David is a creepy, creepy android and maaaan does it show here. This scene calls back to the long shots of people doing normal, everyday stuff on the ship in 2001 and sets the mood of the film. Brooding, slow, and thoughtful. I liked this part immensely, and the actor (whose name I can't remember and am too lazy to look up) does a lovely job here and throughout the film. The acting in this film is actually pretty good, even if the story being told is padded as all get out.
Then we get the requisite "people out of hypersleep" scene that establishes Cherlize Theron's character as not only a bitch, but a hardass bitch. I enjoyed this character, and sort of wished she had been more developed. This is a problem we'll see throughout a lot of this film: Characters not developed enough for me to give a shit when terrible things happen around them or to them. Anyway, time to introduce our characters! The bright eyed-scientist dude (who I don't really care about), the bright-eyed scientist chick (who got ever so slightly more backstory, so I kind of care about her), The Mean Guy (dead as a doorknob), the Nice Awkard Guy (Dead too! Probably paired up with the Mean Guy), The Captain (Heimdall from Thor, also given a bit more development than the others, and probably the best overall character in the film), The Captain's Two Sidekicks (1 dimensional characters who end up being fun), and Random Nameless Extras We Don't Care About And Are Fodder.
Then we get the briefing scene that explains to us everything we already know that the crew of the ship doesn't know, and introduces another character that is obstensibly the driving force behind this but doesn't play a huge role in the film: Mr. Weyland, the Decrept Old Rich Guy Seeking Answers. Now that we have our players, it's time for a bit more development and some atmospheric shots that are well done. They also point out several Chekov's Guns (or Flamethrowers, or Lifepods, or RoboMedicalBays, or..). The first up close views of the Alien Complex are pretty cool, and the tech on display is pretty awesome. Truly the Future. Then they discover alien bodies, THe Mean Guy flips out and leaves, the Nice Guy goes with him, and everyone else gets science-y while David The Paranoid Android does Shady Things...For Science maybe?.
Blah blah contrived action scene. Then we're back to the ship for the revelation that Mean Guy and Nice Guy "got lost on the way back". This is really where I went "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa WHOA. You mean to tell me that with those awesome 3-D mapping robot things that TRANSMITTED A FULL 3-D MAP to the ship, AND have obvious locator beacons and CAMERA feeds...that these two idiots got LOST? My..ASS." Eh, fuck it, they are clearly fodder, because hey, gotta have somethign gross happen in a "No really it's not Alien...but it's Totally Alien" movie! Some science people do stupid science things, the Android does Horrible Thing to Bright Eyed Science Dude, and after a lot of boring stuff, the two Guys are eaten by a Space Cobras in a gratuitous death scene that is slightly squicky, but still kind of dull, because you totally see it coming a mile away. Oh, and the Captain and Cherlize Theron get it on off camera, thus leaving the death of the two Guys unwitnessed, because they don't have DVRs in the Future. /eyeroll
Next day it's time to go get the two Guys, Bright Eyed Science Dude (BESD for short) has an eye leech from the goo that David slipped him in a drink, and he's all "oh man, I'm freakin' out...but I'll wait until we discover the bodies first". They discover the Space Cobra, everyone freaks out, and Cherlize Theron flamethrowers BESD before he reenters the ship because "Holy shit, infected persons maybe shouldn't be let on board." This is supposed to show she is heartless, but I prefer to think of her as "smart" instead. Meanwhile, David the Paranoid Android has discovered that at least one more alien is in Space Hypersleep, and runs home to tell his "Mysterious yet Totally Not Mysterious at all" boss.
Time for pointless body horror! So, Bright-Eyed Science Chick (Or Liz as she is named in the movie) ends up lying on a medbay bed after watch BESD burn to death for being horribly infected. This is clearly traumatic, so David the Paranoid Bastard Android quizzes her about her sex life, and then lets her know she's 3 months pregnant with Horrible Alien Baby, all because she totally did it with BESD right after he was infected, ya know, last night. David's plan is "put her in cryosleep", which as we all know is a terrible plan. Then some nameless extras show up to prep her for the cryo bed, she beats them up...somehow, and runs to Chekov's BioBed to have a Space Cesarian. BioBed is like "LOL only dudes LOL", and is totally trolling her, but she does some Science Stuff and it all works out, even if it is horribly disgusting in every possible way. It is played for tension, but I just...didn't care? I mean, yeah, she's a total badass for walking around after MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY, but there is tension because...Horrible Tentacle Baby is angry at being pulled out. It's icky, but not scary...and merely sets up Chekov's Horrible Tentacle Baby for later. Oh, and Mean Guy comes back as a horrible creature for a pointless action scene.
For some reason, after going through HORRIBLE TRAUMA, she confronts Mr. Weyland (oh yeah, he was totally on board the whole time), and he reveals he's gonna go talk to the one alien left alive. Uh...kay. David will translate (they established how he could do that earlier, so it's cool). Long story short, that doesn't go well, Albino Alien is Not Happy, rips off David's head, beats Mr. Weyland to death with it, and then Cherlize Theron says "fuck this, we're out of here" while Albino Alien gets ready to leave. Somehow, Lizzy figures out he's going to Earth and not Going Home to Let Everyone Know "Hey guys, our horrible plan turned out horribly", and as the alien ship (oh yeah, it was a ship. NO FUCKING SHIT) takes off, the Captain and his Buddies get all Self-Sacrifice-y while Cherlize Theron ejects along with the LifePod. The ship crashes into other ship, which falls out of the sky...and then I just started laughing.
This completely dumb action sequence is the epitome of "fucking retarded". The ship falls out of the sky and lands on an edge...and starts rolling towards Liz and Cherlize. Who then RUN AWAY FROM IT IN A STRAIGHT LINE. I just started laughing, it was ridiculous. Anyway, Liz lives, Cherlize is crushed by the Rolling Ship of Murder, and just as Liz makes it to the lifepod (where she discovers Chekov's Horrible Tentacle Baby is now All Grown Up), David's Head informs her that Albino Dude is coming to kill her...because he totally knows where she is somehow. Seconds later, he bursts into the Lifepod and Liz sics her Babby on him and then flees. Horrible Tentacle Baby then proceeds to do exactly what you'd expect it to do in this film and Face Huggers the whole alien to death. Then the film doesn't end and I got sad.
So, Liz is now upset (and really, who wouldn't be). David's Head calls her and says "Oh, by the way, there are other ships on this planet. Uh, I can totally help you fly one." Liz then leaves, headed to find the Albino Guys and ask them "What the Fuck, yo?" Then the film doesn't end again, and I got sad.
So, back to Horrible Tentacle Baby and Albino Dude. Albino dude twitches slighly, and then (of COURSE) out of his body bursts a proto-Alien. Said proto-Alien was also way too big to fit inside Albino DUde without distorting the corpse, but really, at this point I was just glad to see the credits roll.
This is not a good film. It looks pretty. The acting is good (and in some ways, brilliant). The script is bullshit. It goes for some pretty heavy themes, but it ruins them with lots and lots and LOTS of padding and pointless grossness. There is so much of this film that could be cut and not change the story at ALL. The opening "seeding the earth" sequence. The ENTIRE sequence of Mean Guy and Nice Guy getting eaten by Space Cobras or turning into horrible monsters. The entirety of Chekov's Horrible Tentacle Alien Baby and the aftermath of it. This film is heavily padded and is full of "setup that did not deliver" sequences, ESPECIALLY regarding the Space Jockeys. It posed some really neat ideas, but failed to deliver them in a meaningful way. The character development was bad for all but a small handful of characters, and even most of those got the shaft. This film could have been great, but it collapses under the weight of its own hubris. On the other hand, the acting is excellent. The sets are awe inspiring at times. The special effects are pretty good (nice to see less CGI than usual), and I did think there were some deep themes. It was just presented poorly.
I give this film 1 frowny face on a scale of 5 frowny faces to 5 smiley faces, mostly on the strength of the David character, and the fact that the Captain played a squeezebox. It commits the twin sins of being boring and not scary, and that makes it a bad horror film AND a bad Sci-Fi film too.
This is not a good movie. I know, I know, I'll be annoying folks with that statement, but hear me out. This movie commits a cardinal sin of horror movies: It is boring as shit. This is an hour long tale that was stretched to fill two, and the movie suffers horribly for it. The basic story is not engaging enough to make me care about anything, so it feels twice as long as it should. A lesser sin that this film commits: It's not scary. Sure, there are a couple of jump scares, and some of the effects are neat and gross, but it's not scary so much as icky. There is build up to scary, and it COULD have been scary, but it's just not. It is just icky, and that is why this movie is not good. Now that I've said that, be warned thar be spoilers ahead!
...
...
Okay, let's break this shit down. The opening credit sequence is lots of long shots of beautiful landscapes meant to evoke a "raw, untamed world" sort of feel. Then a creepy albino dude drinks a thing that does awful stuff to him, falls into a lake, and disintigrates into black dust that fades away. Others have stated this is meant to represent the alien beings seeding the Earth with the primordial soup that eventually results in the stupid apes known as human beings, but I would argue that any plan that involves "drink some weird shit and be dissolved" is a terrible plan. Consider my suspension of disbelief stretched a bit. This is also the first of many scenes that could be excised from the film with no loss to the story.
Next up is a quick scene that sets the plot for the film: Archeologist Couple finds evidence that People from Space (I call them Space Idiots) have been visiting our world for thousands of years and have left a clue to where they came from in the form of a "star chart that primative people couldn't possibly know about". Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, something about the Pyramids being impossible to build w/o spaceships...until someone figured out how to do it. Eh, whatever, neat premise, I'm hooked.
The next 10 or so minutes is actually a really really good characterization scene with the character David. David is a creepy, creepy android and maaaan does it show here. This scene calls back to the long shots of people doing normal, everyday stuff on the ship in 2001 and sets the mood of the film. Brooding, slow, and thoughtful. I liked this part immensely, and the actor (whose name I can't remember and am too lazy to look up) does a lovely job here and throughout the film. The acting in this film is actually pretty good, even if the story being told is padded as all get out.
Then we get the requisite "people out of hypersleep" scene that establishes Cherlize Theron's character as not only a bitch, but a hardass bitch. I enjoyed this character, and sort of wished she had been more developed. This is a problem we'll see throughout a lot of this film: Characters not developed enough for me to give a shit when terrible things happen around them or to them. Anyway, time to introduce our characters! The bright eyed-scientist dude (who I don't really care about), the bright-eyed scientist chick (who got ever so slightly more backstory, so I kind of care about her), The Mean Guy (dead as a doorknob), the Nice Awkard Guy (Dead too! Probably paired up with the Mean Guy), The Captain (Heimdall from Thor, also given a bit more development than the others, and probably the best overall character in the film), The Captain's Two Sidekicks (1 dimensional characters who end up being fun), and Random Nameless Extras We Don't Care About And Are Fodder.
Then we get the briefing scene that explains to us everything we already know that the crew of the ship doesn't know, and introduces another character that is obstensibly the driving force behind this but doesn't play a huge role in the film: Mr. Weyland, the Decrept Old Rich Guy Seeking Answers. Now that we have our players, it's time for a bit more development and some atmospheric shots that are well done. They also point out several Chekov's Guns (or Flamethrowers, or Lifepods, or RoboMedicalBays, or..). The first up close views of the Alien Complex are pretty cool, and the tech on display is pretty awesome. Truly the Future. Then they discover alien bodies, THe Mean Guy flips out and leaves, the Nice Guy goes with him, and everyone else gets science-y while David The Paranoid Android does Shady Things...For Science maybe?.
Blah blah contrived action scene. Then we're back to the ship for the revelation that Mean Guy and Nice Guy "got lost on the way back". This is really where I went "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa WHOA. You mean to tell me that with those awesome 3-D mapping robot things that TRANSMITTED A FULL 3-D MAP to the ship, AND have obvious locator beacons and CAMERA feeds...that these two idiots got LOST? My..ASS." Eh, fuck it, they are clearly fodder, because hey, gotta have somethign gross happen in a "No really it's not Alien...but it's Totally Alien" movie! Some science people do stupid science things, the Android does Horrible Thing to Bright Eyed Science Dude, and after a lot of boring stuff, the two Guys are eaten by a Space Cobras in a gratuitous death scene that is slightly squicky, but still kind of dull, because you totally see it coming a mile away. Oh, and the Captain and Cherlize Theron get it on off camera, thus leaving the death of the two Guys unwitnessed, because they don't have DVRs in the Future. /eyeroll
Next day it's time to go get the two Guys, Bright Eyed Science Dude (BESD for short) has an eye leech from the goo that David slipped him in a drink, and he's all "oh man, I'm freakin' out...but I'll wait until we discover the bodies first". They discover the Space Cobra, everyone freaks out, and Cherlize Theron flamethrowers BESD before he reenters the ship because "Holy shit, infected persons maybe shouldn't be let on board." This is supposed to show she is heartless, but I prefer to think of her as "smart" instead. Meanwhile, David the Paranoid Android has discovered that at least one more alien is in Space Hypersleep, and runs home to tell his "Mysterious yet Totally Not Mysterious at all" boss.
Time for pointless body horror! So, Bright-Eyed Science Chick (Or Liz as she is named in the movie) ends up lying on a medbay bed after watch BESD burn to death for being horribly infected. This is clearly traumatic, so David the Paranoid Bastard Android quizzes her about her sex life, and then lets her know she's 3 months pregnant with Horrible Alien Baby, all because she totally did it with BESD right after he was infected, ya know, last night. David's plan is "put her in cryosleep", which as we all know is a terrible plan. Then some nameless extras show up to prep her for the cryo bed, she beats them up...somehow, and runs to Chekov's BioBed to have a Space Cesarian. BioBed is like "LOL only dudes LOL", and is totally trolling her, but she does some Science Stuff and it all works out, even if it is horribly disgusting in every possible way. It is played for tension, but I just...didn't care? I mean, yeah, she's a total badass for walking around after MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY, but there is tension because...Horrible Tentacle Baby is angry at being pulled out. It's icky, but not scary...and merely sets up Chekov's Horrible Tentacle Baby for later. Oh, and Mean Guy comes back as a horrible creature for a pointless action scene.
For some reason, after going through HORRIBLE TRAUMA, she confronts Mr. Weyland (oh yeah, he was totally on board the whole time), and he reveals he's gonna go talk to the one alien left alive. Uh...kay. David will translate (they established how he could do that earlier, so it's cool). Long story short, that doesn't go well, Albino Alien is Not Happy, rips off David's head, beats Mr. Weyland to death with it, and then Cherlize Theron says "fuck this, we're out of here" while Albino Alien gets ready to leave. Somehow, Lizzy figures out he's going to Earth and not Going Home to Let Everyone Know "Hey guys, our horrible plan turned out horribly", and as the alien ship (oh yeah, it was a ship. NO FUCKING SHIT) takes off, the Captain and his Buddies get all Self-Sacrifice-y while Cherlize Theron ejects along with the LifePod. The ship crashes into other ship, which falls out of the sky...and then I just started laughing.
This completely dumb action sequence is the epitome of "fucking retarded". The ship falls out of the sky and lands on an edge...and starts rolling towards Liz and Cherlize. Who then RUN AWAY FROM IT IN A STRAIGHT LINE. I just started laughing, it was ridiculous. Anyway, Liz lives, Cherlize is crushed by the Rolling Ship of Murder, and just as Liz makes it to the lifepod (where she discovers Chekov's Horrible Tentacle Baby is now All Grown Up), David's Head informs her that Albino Dude is coming to kill her...because he totally knows where she is somehow. Seconds later, he bursts into the Lifepod and Liz sics her Babby on him and then flees. Horrible Tentacle Baby then proceeds to do exactly what you'd expect it to do in this film and Face Huggers the whole alien to death. Then the film doesn't end and I got sad.
So, Liz is now upset (and really, who wouldn't be). David's Head calls her and says "Oh, by the way, there are other ships on this planet. Uh, I can totally help you fly one." Liz then leaves, headed to find the Albino Guys and ask them "What the Fuck, yo?" Then the film doesn't end again, and I got sad.
So, back to Horrible Tentacle Baby and Albino Dude. Albino dude twitches slighly, and then (of COURSE) out of his body bursts a proto-Alien. Said proto-Alien was also way too big to fit inside Albino DUde without distorting the corpse, but really, at this point I was just glad to see the credits roll.
This is not a good film. It looks pretty. The acting is good (and in some ways, brilliant). The script is bullshit. It goes for some pretty heavy themes, but it ruins them with lots and lots and LOTS of padding and pointless grossness. There is so much of this film that could be cut and not change the story at ALL. The opening "seeding the earth" sequence. The ENTIRE sequence of Mean Guy and Nice Guy getting eaten by Space Cobras or turning into horrible monsters. The entirety of Chekov's Horrible Tentacle Alien Baby and the aftermath of it. This film is heavily padded and is full of "setup that did not deliver" sequences, ESPECIALLY regarding the Space Jockeys. It posed some really neat ideas, but failed to deliver them in a meaningful way. The character development was bad for all but a small handful of characters, and even most of those got the shaft. This film could have been great, but it collapses under the weight of its own hubris. On the other hand, the acting is excellent. The sets are awe inspiring at times. The special effects are pretty good (nice to see less CGI than usual), and I did think there were some deep themes. It was just presented poorly.
I give this film 1 frowny face on a scale of 5 frowny faces to 5 smiley faces, mostly on the strength of the David character, and the fact that the Captain played a squeezebox. It commits the twin sins of being boring and not scary, and that makes it a bad horror film AND a bad Sci-Fi film too.
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