Sunday, December 29, 2024

Kotas Reviews Lay's IHOP Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Fruity Potato Chips

 As the Season of Giving slowly comes to a close, it is a time to reflect on the things we cherish. Family, friends, incredibly weird food items, and of course, reviews! Occasionally in this line of work, I have requests from people. These requests are either verbal, via text, or in some very special cases, gifted via mail! Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look at Lay's IHOP Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Fruity potato chips.

It does exist!

Okay, I have a long history with The International House of Pancakes, colloquially known as IHOP. It was one of those places my mother used to love to go to for...whatever reason, and frankly, I was there for it. Sure, it's a slightly gussied up greasy spoon, but I love me some damn pancakes and all the breakfast that surrounds it. In fact, after quitting a job, I once drove to IHOP for all you can eat pancakes to soothe my soul. It worked! Anyway, why the hell is it now coming to me in chip form? Frito Lay, my dudes, y'all be smokin' the good stuff I fear. Never in the history of ever has anyone outside of the Frito Lay Flavor Lab thought that this was a GOOD idea. Still, it is one of those long shots where, IF you can pull it off, you will win the people's acclaim and fame forever. Let's open it up.

It's what I imagine the surface of Mars looks like, if it was made of potato chips.

I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting, but "lightly dusted with red flavor dust chips" is certainly what I should have expected. The bag proclaims it is "Strawberry Topped Pancakes with Syrup and Bacon" along with "A taste of breakfast anytime." And, you know? The Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Fruity was the go to order for my old Physics teacher back in high school, because he would have meetings of the Physics club at IHOP. Weird times. 

We here at Kotas Reviews are no stranger to dessert potato chips. Some are "fine", some are bad, and some are, well, still just "fine" I guess. Sugar and potatoes go together in strange ways. These are gonna be syrupy, strawberry, bacon flavored. Uh, down the fuckin' hatch I guess. 

Boy, that is certainly a flavor. The freeze dried strawberry flavor is what hits you, with a surprisingly sour initial note that fades into a sweeter version, then some maple-ish sweetness. The aftertaste is where you get a hint of something almost but not entirely unlike bacon and/or liquid smoke. The predominant flavor is that weird strawberry (which is definitely just freeze dried strawberries ground up into dust) sweet/sour hit, followed closely by just "potato". The more you eat of them, the less sour each bite becomes as you acclimate to this utterly bizarre flavor. It's not good. At all. But it is also not terrible. Mostly it is confusing as hell. I don't understand why you exist, chips. 

On the FACE Rating System, this gets 1 Frowny Face. You were pushed out into a world that never asked for you, and you performed as poorly as expected. But you weren't poison, so I guess that's something. 




Monday, December 23, 2024

Kotas Reviews I Believe In Santa Milk & Cookies Stout

 Hola Peeps. Been a while since I rapped at ya. Roughly 3 years, really. I'll tell ya, the last 5 years have been rough on the ol' Kotas Household down here in ReviewTown. Not been feelin' very funny for a long while, but maybe, maybe it's time for my triumphant comeback. Or maybe I just wanna get drunk. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's dive into I Believe In Santa Milk & Cookies Stout.

Santa's seen some shit.

I fucking love Christmas. However, it's also the hardest time of year for me these days because two years ago, my ever patient mother passed away, just a year and half after my father's passing, and that hit me really hard for a good while. The Depression Hole may be one of the hardest holes to climb out of, and while I'm not completely out of it, I'm in a much better place than I've been. So I got that goin' on. But enough about my troubles, let's talk about the beer.

Brewed by I Believe Brewing out of my old home town of Nashville, TN (with the world's most barebones website at ibelievebrewing.com), this is a hearty ho ho ho of a stout at 7% alcohol. I gotta say, the branding is on point with this one. It has that "college design project" styling with barebones, okay but not great artwork that lets you know that while they don't believe in using graphic designers, they still know how to have fun! Seriously though, it's got a simple charm about it that I kinda like, even if it ain't exactly the Mona Lisa of beer can art. Let's see what's inside!

I mean, yeah, that's a stout.

Yep, it sure is a stout alright. The aroma is malt with a hint of sweetness. Perhaps that is the "cookies" part of this milk & cookies stout? Let's give 'er a sip. Yep, that sure is a milk stout alright. It's pretty good overall, but definitely not my favorite. It's hard to go wrong with a milk stout, and I Believe In having drinkable beer, which this is. Taste is good, but not great. It's lacking some of that velvety smoothness like you would find in Left Hand's Milk Stout, and there's no cookie notes to speak of, so it's more like a Milk & LIES stout. Still, I'd drink it down without issue, and at 7% I might very well start believing in Santa before the six pack is done. 

On the FACE Rating System, I give it 1 Smiley Face. Better than fine, but not amazing by any standard. Solid. Dependable. Reliable. Like an elf dentist, or a reindeer who is ostracized for his differences before everyone embraces him again after he proves to his capitalist master that he can be Really Useful. I really gotta watch more Christmas Specials than Rudolph.