So, it's the first of May. Clearly, that means I have to review the hot new game of "So You Are Going To Have A Baby Right Goddamn Now". Warning: This is not a spoiler free review.
The game starts you off at 3am, fast asleep. Then your spouse (Charlotte played in co-op with me) will bolt up out of bed, and tell you that her water is broken. You get points for getting dressed and totally not freaking out, but I'm told that you lose points for urinating on yourself and screaming incoherently. I avoided those pitfalls, but dude, this was totally a stereotypical intro. I mean, COME ON. This is SO cliche.
Once you get to the hospital, there are two paths you can take. However, you don't get to choose them, which is sort of disenfranchising. The randomized stats (which you only find out once you get there) indicated a breech birth, which means we took the C-section path to success, since the water was already broken. This is a shorter path than the Standard Labor path, but it is a lot faster. I haven't played enough to see that path, but people tell me it is a bit of a slog.
Charlotte zipped through this part like a trooper, though the clothing customization is kind of bullshit. The only options are "surgical scrubs", and they are the newb scrubs, which look flat, plastic and disposable. The second player doesn't have a ton to do at first, but once the baby is born, they have to really step up their game and "hold baby without falling over like an idiot". I managed to squeak through this part with a minimum of fuss. I enjoyed the fact that both players had radically different, yet complimentary roles to get to the end of the level.
From there the two players go off to perform their own sidequests like "photograph baby in the nursery", "take a giant fucking pile of pain medication", and my personal favorite "Get the fuck out so the other person can sleep". I did the optional side missions of "get the bag you should have packed 2 weeks ago, you asshole" and "take a goddamn shower", though it did mean I missed out on "pumping milk for the baby", which turned out to be required for this particular playthrough.
We had an odd result with our baby. She got the attributes of "mostly healthy" coupled with "having a little trouble breathing, because way to be an overacheiver and pop out 5 weeks early, girl!", which I'm told is a rare combo. Lucky us? This combo nets you a trip to the Children's Hospital, which is a bonus level of some sort I'm about to give a run.
There's lots of DLC coming for this game, with such wonderful missions as "Oh God We Have Nothing Because Holy Crap Baby Is 5 Weeks Early", "Try not to have a Level 8 freakout", and "Why didn't we already set up a college fund like yesterday?" There's even a dating add-on, but that won't be released for another 14 or so years.
On a scale of 5 frowny faces to 5 smiley faces, this nets a solid 5 smileys. It might have its flaws, but this game is pretty rewarding, and there's a ton of content for it with more on the way.
Serious Note For Serious People: Yeah, we had our baby 5 weeks early, for reals. Her name is Sylvia and she's a cutie pie. Thanks for putting up with my method of coping with the surprise.
